20 Year Old Dime

[lettuceprey]

Background: I've been seeing a girl for about 4 months who I am really into. When we met she had a boyfriend of a year. She was planning on leaving him anyway but I was the catalyst. I'm 28, she's 20. I live in LA, she lives in San Diego. We see each other a couple times a month and have a great time, amazing sex, I've opened up her world, gave her her first orgasm via penetration, new places and positions, etc. She's a natural. Since we live in different cities we made the rule that we could do whatever/whoever we want during the week, but just be safe and don't tell each-other about it. I have been abusing the fuck out of that rule, seeing as I live in Hollywood and can more or less bring home a different girl any night I go out, and nights I stay in, one of the chicks from my unicorn stable usually hits me up for a booty call. She doesn't seem like the type to sleep around, I'm the third person she's slept with, but I wouldn't be shocked if she does. After all, she did cheat on her boyfriend with me and she's a dime with a constant barrage of men trying to get at her.

Anyway, deal is I really like this chick, like a lot. I'm in no rush, but I would put a ring on it. I think she likes me too but I'm not sure she's ready for any type of commitment considering her age and the fact that she just got out of a relationship. I'm considering asking her if she sees a future for us.

1. Should I be the one to bring up this kind of topic first?
2. Should I end it if she says no (I have feelings and want to protect myself)?
3. Any advice on how to finesse this conversation?

Cheers.

 

[MisterX]

Those kind of talks are never easy and there is no right or wrong way to do it.

The only thing that's important is to go for it. If you don't try you'll never know. And if you wait too long she might sleep with some other guy and fall for him and get in a relationship with him.


What I don't understand is how you can have feelings for a girl and want to marry her and still sleep around and tell her it's okay for her to sleep around. I mean is this the kind of marriage you want to have?


And one thing I know for sure is that you should not:

- tell her you've slept with any other girls
- ask if she's slept with any guys


Nothing good will come out of it trust me.


But the biggest thing is that you need to consider which one of you if going to move. Cause you can't have a relationship and marry each other and live in different places.


to your questions:
1 - Yes you should be the one to bring it up. She might want the same thing but she might be scared to bring it up.
2 - Yes you should end it if she say she no and you have feelings for her. Trust me you'll get hurt a lot cause your feeling will only get stronger and you'll be wasting your time.
3 - be casual. Don't make it sound as you've thought about it for weeks and rehearsed it. Say sth like "have you thought what it might be if we become exclusive/ get in a relationship?" or "what do you thing about us trying to be in a relationship".

Don't make it sound as s huge deal and some big commitment. You want the vibe why not give the relationship a try and just see what happens, no big expectations


And definitely do not mention marriage at first.

There are some things you need to do before you start talking about marriage:
- get in a committed relationship
- live together (in the same house/apartment) for about 6-12 months - so you see if you can live together and if the love is still there
- if the love is there after 6-12 months of living together and you both want to marry each other then go for it.



The biggest mistake people make is marrying during the honey moon stages of a relationship without having lived together for a year.

Thrust me I live in a country with small divorse rate. Cause we don't take marriage lightly. Here people marry only after being in a relationship for 2-3-4 years and living together for at least 2 years

 

[lettuceprey]

Thanks for the reply, man. Sounds like solid advice.

The reason we have an open relationship now is because we are not official and the distance. Just being realistic.

I'm not in any rush to get married, I just think this is the type of girl I would like to do that with if it all works out. Dating for a couple years and living together is definitely part of the plan. Again, solid advice.

Where are you from?

 

[Chase]

What makes this rather difficult is that you're in different cities.

Normally I'd differ with X here and say, "No, don't bring it up, just gradually give her permission to spend more and more time with you - you leave the door open, and let her take the initiative to drive the relationship forward."

However, you can't just have her come over, then tell her she can just leave her stuff there and come back over later again tonight (signaling she'll spend two nights in a row with you, if she chooses to). Because when she leaves, she's going to a different town.

Man... there's not even a way you can partial it. You can ease your way into this; it's basically all or nothing. Either she uproots her life and comes and moves in with you, or she doesn't. Tough, tough call.

If you're certain you want her there, and she's not giving up school or a really good job and you're not potentially wrecking her life if it doesn't work out, you could always throw it out there one weekend when she's visiting and say, "Maybe one of these days you should just come up here and then not go back," and see what she says to that. If she's like, "Huh? What?" then you can, "Never mind," it and tell her to forget you said anything, then change the topic. But if she gets wide-eyed and says, "Really?" then you say, "Yeah, it might be cool. You can think about it," then just play it real cool and nonchalant and leave it in her hands if she wants to drive it forward or not. You'll get your answer (yes or no) pretty soon thereafter... women who want progress don't mess around with windows like that.

Whatever you do, keep making it no big deal. If she says she's going to move in, then, "Cool. I'll clear some space in the closet for you so we don't end up with dresses and suits all mixed in together." That sort of vibe.

Chase

 

[lettuceprey]

Thanks for the words of wisdom, Chase.

I am certain I want her here but she is building a life for herself in SD. She goes to school, has a good job that could lead to a career and is planning on buying a house with her brother. Is it irresponsible of me to ask her to leave that? Should I just remain the Hollywood Romance until SHE pushes for more?

The other side of the coin and part of the reason I want to push is because long-distance is exhausting, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I'm an artist for a living and this situation is distracting me from my work. Part of me thinks I should put her aside for now and hope we will re-connect in the future; realizing it's unlikely.

If I non-chalantly bring up the idea of her moving in and it doesn't get a positive response, should I end it/how should I go about ending it? I could continue fucking her whenever she's in town and eventually it will fizzle or one of us will meet someone new; or I could end it on a high note and say it's been great but isn't going anywhere. The latter sounds less painful.

Am I missing any angles? What's your advice?


Cheers.