Actions and Feelings: Chicken and Egg?

[TomGray]

I have had my spirit broken over this past winter with approaching girls. My anxiety and ruminating thoughts have run wild and I’ve been spending a lot of time learning how to deal with them properly. One of the things that I’ve discovered is actually a remembrance of an epiphany I had some months ago.

Recently, I was cursing myself for not being able to feel the way I used to about things. I used to be very driven and confident about doing things, like approaching women, but that has tapered off. I was angry at myself that I couldn’t have the same feelings that I used to because these feelings of proactiveness helped me to be adventurous and get out there and learn from my mistakes. Then I realized that maybe I didn’t do those things because I had the feelings. Maybe I had the feelings because I did those things. It makes sense. Forcing myself to feel a certain way almost never worked but forcing myself to act a certain way had a higher chance of success. I guess that’s what Chase means when he says to go out even when you don’t feel like it. Eventually, you will get the feeling back. I think that’s also what my self-help book means when it says that what you feel doesn’t matter, it’s what you do that counts.

What do you guys think about this?

 

[PinotNoir]

I think it's pretty wise and true.

However, if you 100% didn't have the desire to approach/improve anymore, you wouldn't still be here, and you definitely wouldn't be posting here. There's still a shred of you, maybe deep down, that does desire it.

I think what you probably hit is a plateau. There are many plateaus along the way of success. At first, approaching is crazy and causes anxiety. Then, after approaching a lot, it gets dull, and you wish girls would just say "yes" to giving out their numbers. Then, as you work on your fundamentals and conversational abilities more, eventually getting numbers is easy, and you think, "Well, all of this work for getting good at numbers" and how now it's just normal and boring. Then, you work more on kissing every girl on every date. And so on... It can get draining.

Plateaus can be the hardest things when learning anything: chess, language, weight-lifting, etc. You then have to experiment and get out of your comfort zone and try new things to excite yourself again and get off of the plateau. Bored of approaches/opening? Try a different location or a girl within a mixed group of guys/girls or a completely off-the-wall line just for fun. Not getting successful number-closes? Re-study fundamentals; persist past your comfort zone; try a statement vs a question; etc.

Also, I felt a similar way around winter actually, but I think it was due to less and less girls out. I thought I was terrible in December, but then, looking back on it, I went out about the same, but there were just less girls out, and I didn't push past it. In January, it was still freezing, so I tried out different places than I usually would (e.g., college library) and did meet more girls than in December.

Reading GC articles and other members' FRs can also be inspiring. Also, thinking about your successes (no matter how trivial, even if just approached a girl) can be uplifting and inspiring.

But, ultimately, your statement is right. You just have to do, and let motivation catch up to you later.

Best of luck