Answering the "are you sleeping with other girls?" question

[john.chetcuti]

I tried doing a search to see if it was asked already before posting. I'm currently seeing 2 girls, albeit one of them I'm much more into and see more regularly. This has been going on for around 4 months. We have never been direct with each other about whether we are sleeping with other girls (boys in her case), though we had some discussions about monogamy, about whether humans are made to partner for life, etc.

I'm assuming at one point she will ask me this direct question. I would like to keep her around as I do like her. Based on past experience, answering this question with a direct "yes" usually gets her to slowly disappear. I find direct lying with a "no" to be pretty sleazy too. I find that girls usually don't mind too much if they think you "might" be sleeping with other girls. However, if I definitely tell her "yes" that I am, that tends to put them off.

Any suggestions on alternatives to how you can answer this question in a way which increases the chances that she still stays around?

 

[Velasco]

if she has accepted the fact that you not a monogamous guy (this is why I share a lot of sex stories early on in relationships...1) turns her on and 2) very clearly shows, it will be very difficult for her to make me choose monogamy (girls like a challenge), and knows that you will sleep around with other girls. Then I'd say, yes. But with them I always use condoms (assuming you don't with this girl...good for contrasting) and they are one night stands only. I know a lot of people are capable of having feelings for more than one person, but I'm not like that"= she feels special and safe knowing you are using protection (whether you do or not is up to you tho).

I would also show her this video:

I watched this video together with my fb who has a lot of feelings for me, and it does a good job with regards to framing how what you two guys have is really special. Despite not being in a traditional monogamous relationship.

 

[john.chetcuti]

I have hinted that I'm not monogamous, as we've talked about monogamy and my thoughts on it before. However as mentioned, I've never explicitly told her that I'm seeing other girls. About the condoms part, you got that right - I always use condoms with others, but most of the time don't with her. Thanks for your advice, i'll try to use something on that lines if she ever asks that question.

My idea was to reply something on the lines of "Not regularly, no". Implying that she's the only one i see very regularly, but that there are other's on the side. I can then use your condoms explanation to try to make it seem more special. Which in a way, whatever our relationship is feels more special than the other girls - just I'm not willing to commit to monogamy for now, or foreseeable future.

 

[Zoro]

If she persists, I think a good answer would be something like this, “I am not comfotable going into detail about that, just know I don't expect more of you than I expect of myself, which is responsibility and consideration of each other." Basically like I'm not going around fucking hoes in alleys, I have standards to the girls I sleep with, and I have consideration of your feelings. (but to have consideration of her feelings, you have to be honest with yourself about whether she can handle being one of two/three, if that's what you;re doing.

The thing is, the answer kind of depends on how serious you are with this girl. If you're just FBs, you can kind of laugh it off and tell her not to be so nosy, or she might not care and you can chat about sex adventures together.

If she's more serious, than something like the first answer is probably better. I honestly don't have too much experience with this kind of thing, despite being in an open relationship.

When I started my current open relationship, we basically both clearly started on the second date our desire for non-monogamy. I had it easy.

I will say, I used to tell her everything, and she used to tell me everything. Now we have agreed to keep it to ourselves little more. She can't really handle the jealousy as well as she thinks when it's explicit, and I don't like hearing her complain about guys lol. It was actually very enlightening and useful to hear her stories, a lot of guys just don't do well with non-monagamy even if it's the girl who wants it.

Btw, I also made the mistake of treating a FB too casually and losing her. I liked her a lot and she definitely was a girl who earned a more serious place in my life, she was hot and very compatible. It's good to think on it. Chase ,not surprisingly, has a good article on it somewhere (at least I think it was his) about knowing where you're going in a relationship, and where you want it to end up.

Open relationships can be a doozy, but they can also be fucking awesome. There really isn't enough good stuff on the subject in my opinion, but GC is one of the sources that I'd trust on it.

 

[reeax]

An interesting thing to know would be how she feels about you and why she's asking this question. If she's just attracted, she might like to know if she can screw other guys besides you and she'll settle for a "Yes". If she has deeper feelings, anything other than a clear "No" (i.e. an evasive philosophical answer) will break the relationship sooner or later, because... she's not dumb.

In my opinion, you should always assume your choices and tell the truth to other people (including girls) instead of trying to deceive them. If not this one, there are probably a lot of other girls who are comfortable with the idea of seeing other people. Of course, as J Wick said above, "a lot of guys aren't comfortable with non-monogamy, even if the girl wants it" and she'll probably have a lot more choices than you do.

 

[Velasco]

If she has deeper feelings, anything other than a clear "No" (i.e. an evasive philosophical answer) will break the relationship sooner or later, because... she's not dumb.

lol ok rookie.

 

[reeax]

Hey Velasco, I might not have invested the same amount of time into this board as you (and probably will never have), but however I've already had a few TRUE relationships and this is how it goes in my experience. Now you are entitled to your opinion based on your experience, and you may of course disagree with me, but patronizing doesn't make you look smart. Take note that "later" may be years later or even more.

 

[Velasco]

I've already had a few TRUE relationships and this is how it goes in my experience.

So?

Take note that "later" may be years later or even more.

Good point. The girl (who is anything but "dumb") I was talking about in my first message and I have only been together for 3 years. I gotta be careful.

 

[reeax]

@Velasco So ... I had several relationships that lasted more than a few years. As I have always been in the same position as @john.chetcuti (I've tried to make this "let's both see other people" mindset work), in my experience giving evasive answers is not enough in the long run with a girl who really loves you and does not clearly agree with that from the beginning. My point is why try to play it smart-ass with sophisticated answers (the kind John is looking for) if she fully understands that ANYTHING that isn't "No, I'm not seeing anyone else" means "Yes, I screw other girls"?

Why not just play it straight and see where it goes? If she doesn't want to play that game, then everything John says is doomed to fail (sooner or later). I'll quote myself: "If it's not this one, there are probably a lot of other girls who are comfortable with the idea of seeing other people."

Just because your girlfriend puts up with it doesn't mean another girl won't tell you to fuck off the same moment you tell her you're polygamous.

 

[Skills]

I tried doing a search to see if it was asked already before posting. I'm currently seeing 2 girls, albeit one of them I'm much more into and see more regularly. This has been going on for around 4 months. We have never been direct with each other about whether we are sleeping with other girls (boys in her case), though we had some discussions about monogamy, about whether humans are made to partner for life, etc.

I'm assuming at one point she will ask me this direct question. I would like to keep her around as I do like her. Based on past experience, answering this question with a direct "yes" usually gets her to slowly disappear. I find direct lying with a "no" to be pretty sleazy too. I find that girls usually don't mind too much if they think you "might" be sleeping with other girls. However, if I definitely tell her "yes" that I am, that tends to put them off.

Any suggestions on alternatives to how you can answer this question in a way which increases the chances that she still stays around?

I date, it takes 6 months to a year to get to know somebody or longer, I am not opposed to Exclusivity wit the right person, but I will not rush or be pressure to a decision.

If she complains and talks shit ask her to give you her phone. SHE WON'T and done

 

[Velasco]

My point is why try to play it smart-ass with sophisticated answers (the kind John is looking for) if she fully understands that ANYTHING that isn't "No, I'm not seeing anyone else" means "Yes, I screw other girls"?

its the emotions behind "no I'm not seeing other girls" "yes I am seeing other girls"

what does "no I'm not seeing anyone else" tell her? You are special. You're my baby. No one compares to you.
what does "yeah I'm seeing other girls" tell her? You just another bitch on my roster.

Now that you understand this, look at my response. One will have you being deceitful as you sneak around. The other is more honest and allows you to keep doing you.

Just because your girlfriend puts up with it doesn't mean another girl won't tell you to fuck off the same moment you tell her you're polygamous.

this girl was married for a couple years. And has never been in a relationship of this nature (just fuck+feelings, no dating) with anyone before. Another girl who has been in many guys, will only be more compliant with this frame.