Assertive vs aggressive boundary defending.

[Searcher]

How does one make people aware of their preferences or boundaries without coming off as aggressive and rude?

Take an example of smoking near your face.
Or maybe not removing shoes when they enter your place.

Ex -
You - Take off your shoes.
You - Smoke somewhere else man.


English isn't my first language so I do sometimes feel I am coming off as aggressive in my wordings.
Because the ones I gave examples off seem like demands more than stating your boundaries.

What is your opinion?

 

[topcat]

You - Take off your shoes.

*point to shoes* hey no shoes in the house *closed smile, warm calm tone, warm but direct eye contact*

You - Smoke somewhere else man.

Not in my face please *direct tone*.

———————

The first time you address something like this, give them the benefit of the doubt. Treat it as a faux pas, and use polite firmness to get your point accross.

Second time more firm, but again give “escape routes” without inciting confrontation.

Third, shoe person leaves the house. Smoking person you move away from them/cease talking/end conversation.