Attracting People Around Me

[Lover]

It's been a while since I wanted to post here. This time around, I will be focusing on developing socially in order to attract people on the long term. I will get back with a backstory another time.

What do I want?
Short answer is I want to improve my social life. How?

The articles that will help me improve are these:

1. https://www.girlschase.com/content/archive-ultimate-social-calibration-stop-climbing-social-ladder

2. https://www.girlschase.com/content/faux-pas-sociaux-nouveaux

3. https://www.girlschase.com/content/guy-talk-heres-how-kick-butt-talking-other-men

I will start with article 1. I will grade the bullets between 1-3, 1 being not at all, 2 being somewhat, 3 being a lot.

From the first article:

Someone who is uncalibrated may:

Talk about negative topics frequently and in inappropriate situations - 2
Try to tie unrelated jokes or humor into the conversation - 2
Belittle others or try to make them look bad - 1
Butt into others’ conversations - 2
Not know when to leave - 3
Try to force rapport - 2
Brag or showboat - 1

Meanwhile, someone who is socially calibrated will:

Build up others - 2
Ignore minor faux pas - 3
Keep conversations upbeat - 1 or 2, not sure
Allow conversation to progress naturally - 1 or 2, not sure
Enter and exit gracefully from conversation - 2
Use humor that stems from the conversation - 2

Regarding the conversational part, I will begin by not trying to force rapport, but let conversation progress naturally. Right now I don't have the time to think about the details or anything, but I will be aware of it in between lectures tomorrow and generally when meeting people.

 

[Lover]

Update

Someone who is uncalibrated may:

Talk about negative topics frequently and in inappropriate situations - 1
Try to tie unrelated jokes or humor into the conversation - 1
Belittle others or try to make them look bad - 1
Butt into others’ conversations - (didn't have the chance lol)
Not know when to leave - 2
Try to force rapport - 1
Brag or showboat - 1

Meanwhile, someone who is socially calibrated will:

Build up others - (didn't have the chance)
Ignore minor faux pas - 3
Keep conversations upbeat - 1 or 2, not sure
Allow conversation to progress naturally - 2
Enter and exit gracefully from conversation - 2
Use humor that stems from the conversation - 2

Progressing the conversation naturally and not forcing rapport definitely make the conversations feel more natural and chill. Like it's just right. I will continue this goal for another week.

I also noticed that I try to leave a conversation on a high note, but it's hard to make it happen all the time.

There are some cases where I would like tools to enter a conversation more gracefully. This mostly depends on if I want to enter a conversation between others already, or when I'm starting a new conversation with someone. This will most likely be the next goal to master.

 

[Lover]

Update December

Someone who is uncalibrated may:

Talk about negative topics frequently and in inappropriate situations - 1
Try to tie unrelated jokes or humor into the conversation - 1
Belittle others or try to make them look bad - 1
Butt into others’ conversations - (didn't have the chance)
Not know when to leave - 2
Try to force rapport - 1
Brag or showboat - 1

Meanwhile, someone who is socially calibrated will:

Build up others - 1
Ignore minor faux pas - 3
Keep conversations upbeat - 2
Allow conversation to progress naturally - 2 --> 3
Enter and exit gracefully from conversation - 2
Use humor that stems from the conversation - 2 --> 3

So I definitely let conversation progress naturally these days. But I have a hard time adding value to small talk sometimes because the topics are out of my zone. I find it better to just sit around and not contribute if I don't have anything valuable to say. Maybe adding value to a conversation less is better than contributing all the time (law of least effort-kind of thing).

Using humor relating to the conversation is also going way better. Need to tone the frequency down to not come across as a joker.

Next goal will be focusing on how to enter conversations

 

[Lover]

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I sometimes make unfiltered statements and don't consider the context or relationship to other people.

1) Like how I worked in the hospital the other night and heard one of the young nurses snore in front of her computer watching a tv series (it was 4 in the morning, I don't blame her!). 10 minutes later or so, she has awaken, and the other nurse is asking how she manages to sit/lay in that exact position. I don't remember her response, but I teased her that she felt asleep and snored. I don't recall that she replied. Although I was joking, I don't get the feeling she took it that way. Maybe I didn't come across as funny as I thought? Thus, I take this joke as me teasing her at her expense. Not good. I'm relatively new in the this department I work in, and I have never met this particular nurse before.

This is a case study to show a retaining problem; me expressing a certain behavior to a person with whom I have a relationship where the behavior is not expected or "granted", so to say. Of course, it's always good to just state your mind. But if that makes people around you feel bad, what's it really worth? You can say I used humor that stemmed from the conversation, but it was on her expense, which I should really try to leave behind with people a) I don't know, and b) generally in conversation with more people. Instead, just shut up, or try to make people look better instead. Right now, I'm ranked 1 out of 3 in "building others up" anyway. Instead of stating the fact that she was snoring, maybe something along the lines of "You were taking a power nap, sounded like you were in heaven!" or simply "You were in heaven" ? Perhaps ask myself "How can I make this person look good in the light of this?" would be a great help.


2) I would say "Try to force rapport" has moved up from 1 out of 3 to 2 out of 3. It happens sometimes, and I think it stems from wanting to bond with people more than ever. But that wanting creates outcome dependence in regards to making friends, acquaintances and network. Not good.

Even though I have always been an outsider, I think it will be necessary to my future well-being that I know how to fit in in the initial states of meeting people (just like showing your sexy value when attracting girls) and letting them gradually see my outsider traits later on - depending on the relationship of course. But I wonder if this will cost me with other people who, like me, just shows what they are made of? No trying to look good for others, but simply be your best self.

This is a question that has bothered me from time to time, and Varoon, in his recent article, confirmed for me what I can't stop thinking myself (if you do what others do, you get what others get). And I'm not sure I want that..

I think what I really want when it comes to my social life is befriending like-minded people. People who just state their minds, people with big goals in life, big dreams.. all that jazz. And will I find them if I try to fit in from the beginning? I seriously doubt that. But I still have to know how to add value to a group such as in the work place. Building up others genuinely, whether I'm going to befriend them or not, will serve as a great tool for that. And not forcing connection is important to remember as well.

I've never been one for a big network, keeping up appearances or following norms of society. And this is a crucial time to make a decision whether I want to do one or the other. Why? I will graduate next year, and I think fairly few people try to make new friends as they age - unless you provide the exact kind of value they look for in friends. I don't think I want to live my life to accustom my behavior to the kind of value other people look for in friends. It just doesn't make sense to me. I want to meet winners, and then I have to be a winner myself, either through high status behavior, conversation topics and achievements.

I think I will have to begin using social media for good when it comes to networking. Although it's a pain in the ass since I've deleted two former Facebook accounts! Meh... but people don't care anyway =)

So, to sum up:

- Think "how can I make people look good?" instead of joking at other people's expense, especially at work
- Don't force rapport. Let conversations happen naturally.
- Be the kind of person I want to befriend - a winner. Because that is my genuine persona, that's the kind of value I want to provide and get back as well
- Do network, but use platforms like Facebook, Linkedin etc. for that purpose.

 

[Lover]

It's been a while. But my handicap with meeting new people still comes up from time to time, and sometimes on autopilot.

One thing I'm not certain why I'm still doing, is forcing rapport.I also talked about it in my previous post.

I was introduced to a new internship recently, and some of the new guys knew each other already. For whatever reason, and this is one of the autopilot moments, I acted like I was already part of their group. Laughed when they did, joined their conversation when "uninvited" etc. Considering their perspective, it was probably weird of me to do so because we didn't know each other. I had to take a step back instead and just let things develop naturally. I guess I'm just attracted to great vibes, but people will still be people, and group dynamics will go on the same way for the next million of years. You can't just force your way into a group of people. Of course, there is no guarantee I would get into the group if I had taken things a bit slower, gotten to know the people first and let them include me. But odds would be vastly improved.

Every time I have experiences like this, I can feel the urge rising to become a more socializing human being. I have relied too much on myself my whole life, and I can't keep doing that. Have to tone things down a notch. I CAN DO THIS! =)

The grading this time around:

Uncalibrated behavior:

Talk about negative topics frequently and in inappropriate situations - 1
Try to tie unrelated jokes or humor into the conversation - 1
Belittle others or try to make them look bad - 1
Butt into others’ conversations - --> 2
Not know when to leave - 2
Try to force rapport - 1 --> 2
Brag or showboat - 1

Calibrated behavior:

Build up others - 1
Ignore minor faux pas - 3
Keep conversations upbeat - 2 --> 1
Allow conversation to progress naturally 3 --> 2
Enter and exit gracefully from conversation - 2 --> 1
Use humor that stems from the conversation - 3