Awakened Casanova

[Casanova]

MGMT - Electric Feel
I was not expecting to have this name. Thought someone would have taken it so just to check I put it in and said fuck it and boom.

This whole year has been a huge change in my life for me. The goals, the ambitions, the clubs, sports bars, fuck man all at 28 well at least most people think I look like I'm in my mid or early 20s. I should've moved out years ago... Twice it has happened, I chatted with a girl online and on voice in discord and wish I could take the conversation into interesting locations, hell I wonder if pulling hearts from overseas is plausible.

Chris Brown - Questions
These two incidents just began to push the part of me to finally get up and get the girl I want, I want two actually, haha. I remember reading a comment on reddit saying somewhere along the lines of,
how are you going to get the girl you want if you don't have the skills or weapons in your arsenal to show them, take their hearts away.
That piece of information burned into my memory for a good while before going to Girls Chase

Sex wasn't really a priority but don't doubt its amazing. Just wanna find that one girl(s). I have read some articles but not all simply because I need to put it into practice in order for it to stick. Friends have said to "just find someone", one felt that I would end up finding a girl that had a kid already or just don't want kids. Weird comment but I was like, sure if you say so.

At the start I was nervous I just became comfortable with my environment, the clubs that is. Did nothing just took it in. Haven't talked to a girl there because what if I bump into that person again? I asked myself, "You know you're going to shrug them of or if they say something you'd talk shit back if needed" which is true. I'm going to get used to it just like how I'm used to the horrible smells of the hospital or disfigured patients.

I don't know how to come up with jokes, only with friends but I guess I need more exposure to different styles of humor in order to experiment.

I am stepping into the world of BDSM with rope in case some girls are into that sort of thing.

Where I work is right next to college campus or half hour drive from my place. And have been practicing on asking people you know, Who They Are.

SO a house party is taking place at...my place, friend is DJ'ing and I'm handling the lights and smoke machine. He hints there will be a lot of honey's to which I just smirk cause I don't think none of them will be what I'm looking for, I'm picky with looks, but doesn't mean I won't practice.
I will be going to Brooklyn the week after for another event but we'll see how it goes. I'm not sure if I can go out that night. I'll make time for day game, maybe night game so far its been miss one month go next month. Oh yea right the bars at the campus gotcha snaps fingers

Romeo Santos - Odio Feat. Drake
It kinda makes me feel bad, that those two girls I mentioned earlier may be bested by the girls here. Maybe not. I don't know I don't like the idea of ignoring a girl because she is not "worthy", doesn't meet my standards... I love all my girls.We shall see I have my pencil and paper on deck.

My masters I'm ready...ready to lose.

 

[Casanova]

First things first, conversation. I've always listened and never really spoke. Growing up only topics like games and anime/tv shows would be the spark that allowed me to expand the conversation, and then expand again.
I heard a conversation about a co-worker who felt like getting a new place and sell his car, that he just wanted to have more time to do fun things for himself. 40 hour work week was enough for him, 80 hours is just really pushing it.

Pretty much nailed somethings I would say but didn't know what to add even though I knew I could add some more. What he wanted to do? For example, what was his idea of fun?
I talked to a student as well, about before, asking about what I did exactly. I realized I was on auto-pilot cause I knew where to go with any question she asked or as the convo moved but I wasn't sure where to "open her up"... I could have at anytime it looks like, it redirects to another fresh topic no? mm

I'm writing these down too, to see if I can derive from it. What question do I ask that I can get insight about who he/she is, likes, enjoys, hates, jokes. Kinda like what I do with writing what does this character want, his goals or pursue or chase. On text, chats, It is easier I'd say. I'm at ease and can go through the convo no problem, I guess I have to gain callous from speaking verbally.

My fear isn't rejection it is simply that I don't know what to do. I remember pull one of the nurses aside cause I wasn't sure if she had a thing for me or not. I actually pulled her out of the ER and outside. Heart was racing, tunnel vision cause I only had one goal was to tell her. After that *cringe* ugggh I pull her aside again after just to apologize, heart was beating hard as hell. I could tell how uncomfortable she felt looking back saying her bf was in security...he is a nurse too. This was 2-3 years ago I think. The recent one was when I was having a good time with this other nurse and drank her coffee even though she told me I could have it. There was a bake sale so in return I got her a velvet muffin, my heart was calm but the moment I got a few feet closer it took a huge pump. I told myself to snap out of it she is going to take it, if she doesn't she looks like the mean one.

Part 2 of that was when I was asking if she hang out after work, she mentioned she went for school still. I just asked how long and how hard it is. Yes or no questions now that I think about it. I brought about my weekend how I went to AC and had recorded some of our stupidity, had video didn't show. Even then I noticed that I was talking to much about myself and drinking. I then used my hands to gesture "well aren't you going to saying" and she said "not really, nah" I asked what was wrong with going out? You have friends right? She then said she was married to which I believe the conversation got cut short or just died there can't remember. Should've said something like "You think you're on a leash now? Oh under lock and key"

I wasn't really looking out for chicks to date but since reading the articles I started to try somethings out. I'm pretty quiet and before that most of the nurses know me already so I can fool around a little bit.There are only a few nurses that I flirt with who are cool about it. Sometimes they say things that I can't throw back to them which I feel I should, in a way have a last word.

 

[Casanova]

Nothing much just practicing some stuff. Trying to speak up, talk, intervene into the conversations. I was just thinking about what every one was doing for Halloween a few moments later a co-worker asked to see the schedule on the board and joked "what are you going to go trick or treating?" Every one have a good laugh about that, finally. I asked what he really was doing? He said it was a wedding he was going. I asked if he was best man or just going to be in the crowd. Just in the crowd. That he was going to be best man at another wedding and how he didn't want to give a speech. I drew a blank as to what to say to continue. Moments past again and asked if it was going to be Halloween themed, like people dressed in costumes, a quick smile he said that'd be cool. Again on my part blanked.

I tried to address a girl from my department since I tend to make jokes that hit not just at her but when I'm with others, no attraction but, when it was just us we did small talk but I blanked at talking more about herself. I already asked basic questions about what she wanted to do? Doctor. How hard is it the curriculum? Pretty hard but striving when she was new. The convo went about how the hospital paying tuition was a joke if they couldn't even make room for two days. She was forced to work par diem instead of PT. Again blanked just saw her flipping through her snapchat and asked about it. "Why are you so nosy, haha" "What do you mean it right there in front of me can't see it" "just an old vid I'm sending to my aunt" "ah,ok"
Should've asked about if she was going to transfer out soon or leave the hospital, about the snap idk uhhhh does she like her family members, do they party a lot?

Earlier he and another co-worker were talking about getting sleep, how she just doesn't watch TV, just wants to read and have silence, whereas the other one he needed TV to go to sleep otherwise he would wander in his head about what he was doing with his life, asking questions. I didn't pick it up then but now I should have asked about what he worries about but thinking about it, it sounds personal.... but if it was a girl I wouldn't have a problem huh weird. I just could say stuff like "yea, I know" lol I couldn't really "dive" just affirm that I was listening.

*side note* I noticed the female would look in my direction to see if I was listening whereas the other guy would keep eye contact with her, she's old enough to be our mom haha but eh idk what may add but found it interesting. Another one would be when the 3rd person came into another convo and I tried to add something but blanked again but saw him turn to me to listen, I guess that confirms that we're cool.

Headphone Activist - Haiku
I don't have the oneitis... I think *you do* but, in a way I have been doing this for her. Idk how to talk to her though. In the beginning it was a few pictures, text, then came on to voice chat I ignored these damn feelings once twice but she kept catching my attention. I keep telling myself that this is as close as I can get, this is a ruse. I've tried saying we are different, but in conversations she keeps nailing a lot of beliefs, strengths of mine and of a girl. Giving good reasons to... huh even the music she plays, almost all of these new songs, 99%, I'm liking and even if they're not it is something to listen too. She has complemented on how I like doing things 100% on the count of if you ask something of me that is what you will get. Even on a story that I'm writing she thought it was pretty interesting. Ugh I feel like a teen again.

"been telling him to leave and yet he doesn't want to, idiot is in love with someone else online *chuckle* "

Yea, I've fallen for this chick, only thing now is to wait that this is all an act. It'll make me callous in return.

I've always leaned toward my reasonable, "logical" self, never let my emotions be steered but this is the second time in a long time. I'm just going to ride it now.

"Get more girls" I will, I will. I do tell myself to just relinquish that attraction, every compliment just to see how much I can fade out........ then I'm not helping..........I'm.. enabling myself, am I. As I wrote in my journal it is because "we haven't succumb to the constant ups and downs of a relationship or other women in general, that this still feels very new to us."

 

[Casanova]

Struggling to open anyone up, I don't know I felt it being very personal to ask someone of themselves, strange even though it works on me mm. In doing so I saw that I was doing it already unintentionally when new workers came into the department asking what they're doing for college, classes, and the job. Those same people also got along well with me and others. It became more clearer what my cousin had mentioned months ago about talking to people/getting to know them. She had a list of questions, same thing I wrote above about knowing where the conversation was going with talking with the student. I guess its the wording that I have to work on so it doesn't come out as weird of course.

I bumped into a nurse who moved out of the ER and was coming to check in on our department for our TB tests. Small talk with working around the hospital compared to the ER but if she liked the pace of it or liked a more calm workplace. Sounded like she didn't mind one or the other and I blanked, ugh. A co-worker had rock playing and I was going to try to talk a little about the song in order to find something to ask her about rock, which I should've said "you like rock?" But I guess I asked a question that got him to go a bit more into the topic. DIdn't know how to pull away or pull the brakes a little bit. Just ended saying goodbye cause my break ended as well.

 

[Casanova]

Holy shit... we did it, we made a hole in this barrier.
Gotta keep it up some parts have expanded to seal the openings.

I'm still here, just needed a little more help. Will try to post a bit more.
Giving in is soooo easy, very tempting, argh but that's not the kind of person I am.

 

[Casanova]

Slurping my energy drink Monster as I turn off the car it's 8:45p? I got an hour. Wanted to go for it next time but I know how I can be when I do that, it'll turn into procrastination, not good. I want to turn my life around as quickly as possible, ever since I moved out. Although I had a few other encounters at work with approach these are the ones that just helped me get through those barriers and stay pass them.


1. Boy did I bomb hard and bail cause I knew I was just a wreck.
Studied fashion, I say "I see, since you have your boots on" she says "what's wrong wit my boots?" "nothing its good" she brings up sowing I ask about her sewing the shirt she is wearing, jump back into how does she like to learn stuff jump in or take her time. This whole damn time I'm fucking anxious cause I never had this kind of interaction. Can't tell which beats my heart is pumping as to being nervous or just the damn monster drink. I run out of shit to say and leave "welp I messed up bye" "thanks!" "bye no problem" as I walk away.

2. Keeping it very friendly, better than the first. I was just jumping topic to topic but didn't get the number.
She was the manager, with some cool jacket with zippers, nice boots like a goth but very cute and very welcoming to my ramblings. The conversation went well but started off bad if I wanted her number.

3. Just a pick on this girl that was using her makeup for eyelashes, didn't want to do it but I was like "what the hell".
said some cringy shit like "your allowed to use that {makeup]" ugggh I didn't want to just pass by her and then get the feeling of being "safe". Afraid of what Chase mentioned about those that got girlfriends just sunk back into being nervous to approach again. I didn't want that to be me.

4. Asian Girl waiting on her ride better convo we hit it off pretty well, she asks for my number.
5-10 minutes away she guess, we talked about how cold it was, 38 degrees, and I'm here comfy in my hoodie, she's going for being pharmacist I light up because we are both in the medical care field now so I can relate big time. She actually worked there and just quit today. She liked my 3rd strike Daigo Parry hoodie, no experiences in fighting games though. I don't know I just saw her by herself and decided to go for it just cause, didn't see her face but I really liked her personality. When she couldn't understand the Japanese text on my hoodie "where are you from South Korea?" "nooooo I'm from Jersey YO! I'm Jersey" hahaha.

5. I get blocked by a guy who says "no thanks, we're good" I just tell him back "Dude I'm not drunk??!" but he says it anyway and I walk away kinda makes sense it was about quarter past midnight.

I realized that I was talking in "safe spaces" where I work I have no problem speaking, sometimes I do, I just don't know what to say but I can adjust way better to ease my way out of it.
Doing it in the mall however was not my safe space it was very difficult. The idea of other people's opinions started to come in but, like, I couldn't understand that I can say something back or ignore them. Of course I had to beat it in my head not to give a fuck,gotta learn this shit. It took a whole while forcing myself to get out there, even though coach never mentioned such things. Back and forth between my lazyness and stagnant self wan't to just be, whereas I the other side saying "fuck that, that's crazy, we'll never get that hot chick or THE ONE in this state and it is better we learn all this now than later when we are older."

The monster did work though to help me push through. Although I was freaking out on approach 1 and 2 I sounded pretty calm for the conversation, inside my head it was all "HOLY SHIT WE ARE TALKING TO RANDOM PEOPLE". Yea.....it is nice to have conversations with random people and totally turn into a good one......

Gotta keep learning how to hunt though.

 

[Casanova]

Car accident

Either the tire blew or I went over black ice, still that car was going over the curb and into a ditch. Maaaaan this shit is going to cost me money haha FUCK! Welp, its Friday we are still going to go out and crash at our folks home. I still stayed quiet with my alcohol at one club but went over to a Hispanic restaurant that becomes a "club" for latin music. I had some lessons from my friend to teach me how to dance bachata and salsa. Hated hanging around the group of guys lined up like they were going to get executed. This night I tricked myself to think "we are just here to practice dancing" and it worked.... for a bit. Bachata starts playing, I look behind with an extended hand to a girl sitting down. She declines, no worry I'll find another dance partner. Going around I see an older woman, mmmm and a nice looking thick chick, extend my hand with a smile and she accepts. This chick is crazy lol. Just a different style she's dancing to, I try to keep up with what my teacher taught me but still she's higher level, a few spins, ugh I feel like an idiot cause I don't see it still with my 1, 2, 3, 4's. Salsa comes on and I just get thrashed same style that she is dancing but faster, and starts spinning like crazy, fuck me. I can't and try to keep up haha. During this time she's tipsy and we joke about trying to keep up, getting down to our rhythm or that I'm still learning. Eventually we start to wind down, she wants her drink I ask her name, Myra, and tell me her mine. That's it. shit...

I take my break. Trying to remember she goes in to dance with her friends, as I see this other couple just dancing salsa how it is suppose to be danced. She picks up another guy tall white guy? Hispanic white guy? Still a lingering jealousy comes over me because after dancing with him for a bit she then brings him over to talk to him. With it, I remind myself this is how the game is played. What did I do wrong? Should have I..., no I should have talked to her when she got her drink, after getting her name. Gotta work tomorrow, I leave.

I assume the next night is same ole quiet guy.

A side note this is the also the night I met this waitress at the bar/restaurant place, for the second time. Something about me that I like is a skinny girl with plump or big ass idk it drives me crazy, she had it. Too pussy to say anything though was thinking how to begin but have to remove that thinking and just pull the trigger. She did remember me and the same spot I made my order last time. The idea that people are watching me or look at me if I ask this girl out FUCK how do I destroy this thinking. Had it since I was living with my parents, cause as the years past I imagined they would say something like "yup that kid still lives there"

The next week not going to lie, I feel like a deviant at night.

 

[Casanova]

FEB 17 2018

The night scene is getting a bit easier but damn day game is still hard for me. Fuck what happened I thought I got rid of it or.... perhaps I just wanted to get it over with. *sigh*
I go to a bar, Dj is playing some good as hits, I see a trio of girls all Filipino but the leader is a white girl which I thought was interesting. However as I'm contemplating a taller guy gets touchy feely with her
pretty quickly and she Auto-rejects, turning to her group to bail, leave. Guess that's a no for me. There's another girl who I see just dancing, moving her feet and hips back and forth, long hair, nice ass, in a sweater
blue eyes damn this girl is just very alluring. But I'm still thinking too much when to make a move, arrrgh. I saw two guys in jackets make a move, heh they're approach is like mine one question and then back off.
It was getting to the point that I had to come in and just go for it. I tell her I like her energy, her dancing she replies that she loves to dance which I then ask if she has been to any music festivals? No she thought.
The liquor is already taking hold so I say fuck it I ask for her number I pull out my phone and she puts it in, misses a number ask her to try again. Other guy asks if he can have the number to which I give him a raised eyebrow and smirk.
She says she's going to get another drink, I botch it I just tell her I'm leaving and to have a good night. I know I know stay in it to win it. Go into the next bar scope around I bump into a cute asian chick but disappears into the crowd and quickly comes back. I yell "where'd you go?!" she turns smiles and into the bathroom she goes. There was another cute tall girl with glasses, I compliment her on her hoops, she smiles very beautifully not gonna lie. I leave. ugggh Fuck!! have to make it a habit to just STAY PUT. If I can leave a situation after being in an awkward moment I'll do it. Stay!

Side note met the Asian chick again at place to eat down the block. She said "Hey how are ya?" I just said my usual "I'm ok, I'm good" thought she was with her BF but it looked like they were just friends.

Next week I just wasn't in the mood, I still went out however the thoughts of how my finances were really brought me down. If anything I kept eyeing this girl until she saw me. Felt a my hair rise on behind my neck because we were looking at each other for more than 2 secs. I break eye contact but would see later from my peripheral vision that she eyed me again. I didn't do anything.

 

[Casanova]

I don't understand how a few days ago 3/17/18 I went to a club where the girls are actually above average to good looking. I told my friend to just point at a girl and off I went to begin a conversation. First approach was two girls who I offered one to dance with but she said they were Brazilian and didn't know how to dance bachata. I said along the lines that they are Latino to me, cause their country is surrounded by Spanish speaking and hispanic cultures so I considered them neighbors who should learn to dance. I just said "its not hard" and continued with my one, two, step they weren't looking at me weird or anything but I felt like it wasn't time to pull her in. Which now I felt I should've have been a bit more bold.

Another one was a girl I didn't notice sitting next to me, looked quiet bored but I conversed, she did look FINE! Asked her name and what she was doing here alone. Damn music I can't hear shit, she said her name but I couldn't hear her response to the second question. then quickly her friend passed by calling her over and she got up and left.

Before and after those encounters I just complimented the girls I really liked, alot. I was surprised how positive all of them were at my observations, only two gave me a weird look or just waved off but that's because I said nice body, and ass.

Now to todays' date 3/19/2018 10:30pm

What the fuck on day game, that fear is still there, damn hesitation. I have been telling myself as a man who loves women this is what you do. Shame what is that, live up to it. If the people at your job talk make jokes about how much of a player you are and we laugh it off, then why not commit. I have been thinking it has to do with social momentum as they call it. Shit I really just feel like walking up to a guy and say "Yo point to a girl" and I know I will follow without hesitation but WHAT THE FUCK!! is it that I need someone else!! .....argggggh
....

... I'm close

 

[Casanova]

The fear is almost gone, I guess I was wrong about that part, and the hesitation will naturally erode away. Sparks of random conversations just happens sometimes now. The online girl?... well she is long gone since late Jan? EIther way I got other things to do. It's time to find that girl among this world. With all the dating to come it is fun to know that I don't know the outcome. *Sigh* all this waiting believing that it might happen or I just happen to be the unlucky one. I wasn't angry I just accepted it. I guess philosophizing, theorizing all that time was a mistake. Welp, let's go find her or them who knows.