BDI Journal

[theReason]

me. teetotaler, social beginner, look like chase but mid-20s and frumpy clothes. porn has been my drug and i’m on a quit attempt that should last me until the end of my life.


my first conscious cold approach, 20 days ago:

reading skilledseducer at the dealership; while i was at work, i had made a commitment to myself to make 3 approaches at the dealership, i get to the service waiting area and there are less women than usual, just one 50s milf with a nice body. i was going to go to hell if i didn’t open her. i wait until her service representative comes up and tells her what they’re fixing, i only kind of overhear, but i’ve already been holding onto my opener for a few minutes, i hatched my plan while in the bathroom, i know where i’m going with this.

he leaves and i launch as if i was just another part of that previous conversation; “what’s wrong with your car?” she lets me know, tries to describe it, cutely does a really horrible job describing it, leaves a lot of gaps for me to kind of fill in, and by the time i understand what the fuck she’s talking about, it feels like we’ve collaborated on a project together and succeeded. she’s happy.

i have my hook ready and i fly it. “very nice.. so why are You the one bringing it in for service?” bro this was a fucking amazing piece of tech from me. she smiles so big because she understands that my real question is “do you have a husband” but i’m just protecting her interests so well with my intricate phrasing.

she literally just starts talking about her husband, not in an “oh i love him” way, but in a “this is what he does for a living”. she doesn’t even answer the question i technically asked! women are social gods!


and she’s beaming when she’s done with her few sentence description of her husband and why she got the car in the first place, knowing that the conversation was going to end there, but taking my compliment to heart. i mean seriously, she got approached by a hot thing half her age, who obviously put the time and thought into it, and all that. made her comfortable, y’know?

i go… “oh wow nice…” kind of try to find a thread mentally for the conversation but she has successfully shut the thread down.

her physical mood goes way up, whereas before she seemed like a serious type, now every song that comes on the radio she’s bopping to it and bouncing her (beautiful mix of fat and muscle) leg to it. she’s having a nice time and i get the idea that she’s waiting for me to re-open the conversation. like… she’s a social god and all, but everyone takes some time to process their whole situation, and she’s moving more indecisively as she bops around by the third song or so. she wants more. i fucked up by being indecisive and not giving that to her. i don’t re-open her, i just sit there uncomfortably wondering if i should.

by the time she gets picked up by the rep, the vibe has died, she saw me sitting there indecisively and being the indecisive man that every woman hates, not the dominant and extroverted man that’s gonna cuck a husband someday. she’s stern of face, no more bopping.

i regret this, the world and the hubby can wait, the girl is more important.



my first solo club night, day before yesterday:

i walked around a girl-heavy area after work but didn’t see many leads, just one black woman that just looked so out of my league i didn’t even think of “bending my limiting beliefs” by approaching.

i left for the club at 10pm after reading this article, let my mom know i’m heading out, thoroughly assure her i’ll be safe (i’m a wuss).

get there, meet a girl walking up the stairs, situational open, really just meant it as a warm-up approach, i didn’t focus on the conversation because i was kind of busy taking in the scene. she left for the bathroom and didn’t come back (“i’ll be right back” haha. sorry for being a shitty conversation babe.) looking back, i regret this. if i had made her my world, i would be that much closer to pulling.

i basically approach two different groups of people. a dude with a little harem of women eye-pings me and i talk to him about his entrepreneurial moves in the scene. i see two guys talking and i stand next to them until a lull in their talk, a slight pause, and i tell them that i didn’t wanna miss out on the philosophical conversation of the night. reminded me of when me and my friend are talking in public, instant visible vibe, and i wanted in. both of them did not initially want to talk to me but i win them over by just being a persistent little cunt and intently listening with my excellent hearing, by the time i tell them a story that exactly fits what they want to be able to relate as an anecdote themselves, i’m in with both of them. still, one of them likes me more than the other (he’s gay and i’m still maybe 30% a twink, but regardless, he doesn’t hit on me, seems to enjoy my personality regardless).

i was approached by a girl (through the social proof with this guy) but she kind of led the frame. when we discovered we were both single she kind of shut up, gave me one more window to re-open her, and then cold-shouldered me for the night. this didn’t stop me from orbiting her for the next 30 min, nor did it stop me from trying to orbit her at the end of the night, which was awkward (by 12:45 or so i had this gut feeling that i was out of good decisions (i really wanted to get another pass in though) )

i walk away from that orbiting situation after 30 min, re-open a guy that my new friend briefly introduced me to, really hit it off with him, he reminds me of a mutual friend, gives me some very solid life advice.

he heads to another area and i realize that a mother-daughter two-set has moved in to the area next to me, they must be comfortable around me to sneak up on me like that. i open the two of them by asking if they’re mother-daughter in kind of a shy hesitant way (loud enough for them to hear, of course) and they laugh really hard because i kind of… i kind of deliver it well i guess… i kind of go for this bold comedic frame with them, they’re latina (i thought they were middle eastern)… i should have sexualized it quickly with the daughter (move to her side, start talking to her, touch her a little bit), instead i get the mom talking my ear off about their business plans.

i go to the dancefloor, can’t really dance, but enjoy the vibe, my two new friends join me, then they go do their own thing, i open another guy. he was friends with the girl that brought the stripper, let’s call her BTS cause she brought the stripper. He introduces me to BTS, i make BTS laugh with my rizz. after he does me this solid, i figure out he has his eye on the daughter i opened, i give him the details on them so he’s pre-informed. he approached and pretty sure that went well for him.

i regretted doing that at the time, but a link to the stripper and info on the mother-daughter set was a fair trade. i just didn’t think about the fact that BTS was my friend now, that i had a connection i could try to pull (towards talking up the stripper) once he left BTS alone for the mother-daughter.

i didn’t even think of this possibility until the morning after, at the time i was leaving, i just thought i had cucked myself for no reason.

i didn’t even keep talking to BTS, just went back into orbit of the first girl and left without talking.

yesterday i go to zumba class, a rather elderly woman social-circle games me, i’m happy to talk to her, social-proofs me to the younger, hotter women. i have this dream that moving forward, i hope to work towards consistently capitalizing on the 0.5 approach per gym-visit i have available to me through the guidelines.

i capped off yesterday by going to a very uncomfortable social situation on purpose. pretty much a work mixer for 35-37 year olds that i was not invited to. i didn’t kill it but i showed up, took the pain, connected with one guy.

i got an approach invitation from the only attractive girl there, but her group of more extwardly polite girlfriends kind of cordoned her off from me. i exchanged only a few, formal, words with her early in the night, but i could probably find her linkedin if i looked… if you think that’s a hot lead and i should go ahead with that lmk. i’ll probably find her on linkedin and add her no matter what, but on my own time, when it’s convenient for me.



ok i’ve spent almost all day deliberating about making this post; i’m gonna go do something else; peace.

 

[Bob Z]

keep it up dude

 

[theReason]

keep it up dude

Thank you sir. we’re next.

 

[theReason]

did very little of merit today. kind of starved myself of social contact.

OR to the mall.

men like looks in women, women like confidence in men. this is implicit.

but in terms of offspring. babies look almost entirely like their fathers on birth (postulated as an evolutionary trait to protect the mother from allegations of infidelity).

in turn, when babies grow up to adulthood, lifetime base testosterone remains linked to the level of testosterone their mothers experienced during pregnancy.

so what we look for in others is really something we get from ourselves that we cannot get from them. validation. self-esteem. input.

and conversely what we look for in ourselves, is something that we really should be looking to others for. motivation. drive. a sense of direction.

i go to the mall looking to myself for motivation to hit on women. i’ve got nothing,

the motivation comes from them, not from me. i can’t look to myself for motivation.

the entire mechanism of an approach is that you become so aware of a woman and she takes up so much of your reality that you lose all self-consciousness in your decision-making and commune with her.

women are self-conscious all the time, you lose your self-consciousness to become her-conscious, conscious of her.

and this lack of self-consciousness is really what all of the tropes for wooing a woman come from.

you’re confident? confidence is not a trait of the self-conscious

you’re funny? well, you’ve clearly said a million things with no filter (unselfconsciously) in order to develop that ability.

you sing? bold. you act? a lot of potential for embarrassment there, you seem to be overlooking it. you lead? seems like you’re not in the least concerned with the consequences of taking responsibility; are you sure about that?

 

[theReason]

thanks for the bump fog, you are the legend

 

[theReason]

this one grocery store has the best chips and i really cannot find them; like they moved them or something; and this girl in a bathing suit walks up to me, looks at me like i’m an item on the shelf, turns around to show me her ass (and also to get in line for checkout, the end of the line is right there), glances over her shoulder to keep tabs on me and then when i look over at her she looks away.

that was an approach, i was approached. if she was older-looking i would have had no excuse but i really couldn’t tell from looks if she was underage. she was 19 maximum.

weirdest thing ever.

i dress like an art student, i’m tall, handsome, nice hair, hold myself like a man, good posture, standoffish personality, lovable asshole and all that… behavior is the peacock’s tail, it has nothing to do with how i look, right? but i wasn’t… idk i was scruffy-faced, dressed uninspiredly, i was standing there confused and looking at chips, this girl had no prior knowledge of me, it had to be looks…

but yeah, i really did not expect that to happen. anything like that. ever.

i guess i should… expect it? but it’s so fucking odd! like a total anomaly! this isn’t even miami, this is an inland state, what the fuck

am i really that attractive? i wish i could just know for real if i look good or not. all i get is my mom and the odd older woman telling me i look like a model and my friends telling me i’m super ugly, you know, as brothers do.

and i know i should focus on the target but this shook me really hard. so that’s why i’m making this post. i can’t focus on the target if i don’t know… what i’m really trying to get into…

do i want a girlfriend? do i want to lay any stranger that gives me an AI? i guess i’m just accustomed to being able to choose who i want to hit on; not that it ever gets me anywhere, because by the time i’m interested, the window is usually closed and i’m chasing. so yeah, everywhere i go, every attractive woman i see, I reflexively picture myself fucking them, but am i really prepared to put my balls on the line for any stranger that gives me an AI? like i thought guys were into quick and anonymous hookups; you give me your dick right now or i don’t want anything to do with you type shit. but holy fuck these women are even worse about that.

i remember a guy (20, 21 years old) wanted me to do him in the ass in the middle of the night behind a dumpster behind a middle school, no name exchange no pic exchange, and receiving this girl’s implied proposition feels a lot like how it felt to receive that proposition at the time, but with a ten-second window of opportunity at most, as opposed to a drawn-out argument on omegle with a stranger, where at least you have like 5 minutes to decide before you lose their interest.

do i have a lot of faith in the seductive potential of a guy that is going to make such an unfavorable comparison? no, it’s really kind of embarrassing to make that kind of a reference to a past life. but this is how i feel, this is my set of experiences that i draw from. this is how it feels and this is what i have to get used to. 10 seconds. decide. do you want me badly enough to risk upending all your social homeostasis in this circumstance? i could be underage… *smile, wink*… this approach could go really badly for you… *smile, wink*… this swimsuit is backless by the way… do you like a girl that wears this type of thing to a grocery store? … but yeah, i’m just glancing over my shoulder to look at the peanut butter…
*smile, wink*

yeah, gonna take some time to think about this one. this changes the game, this is a way i’m gonna have to change that i was not anticipating having to change. or at least… some new information on what kind of use cases i’m gonna be expected to function in… theReason the consumer electronic device has some version updates to make to the software if the behavior of the hardware is gonna make the women commission further penetration testing.

re-reading this post, it really does sound like the rant of an attractive guy realizing that somehow he just got really attractive. i hypothesize that my weird gay phase and the associated… probably visibly unstable outward persona was keeping me in the creep-avoid bucket… but wow, yeah. i guess i must be really attractive now. lol. fun. iguess. maybe it’s time to kind of sort of act like it. or not. i’m really busy.

sorry for the length, hope you enjoyed the read.

 

[theReason]

situational opener yesterday of a girl sitting in her uhaul with the window open, in the gym parking lot, nervously overapplying her makeup.


i approached at a diagonal, smiled and she oversmiled back, i walked over and said hello and she was surprised but, above her existing substratum of nervousness (clear from how she was holding herself before she even noticed me) she seemed really flattered, like her nervousness transfigured into really wanting to keep my attention and that associated anxiety.


me i was too nervous to not just say my piece and leave. i kind of just walked away and she said “oh… take care” in a small voice i wouldn’t have even been able to hear if i wasn’t still listening really closely.


disappointment in her voice, turning into auto-rejection most likely.


but yeah. a lot of opportunities to continue the conversation, i should have skipped class to keep talking to her.

 

[theReason]

thrilled that i get another day to ruminate on what mental model of life i could employ to get myself to make approaches.

thrilled that i get to post another mission failed post on here.

thrilled that i got closer to my goals yesterday, despite obvious failures.

happy to be here.

girl stands in front of me in exercise class a few days ago, at one point we bend over. i’m good at keeping my eyes to myself, but i look up here and she is blessed with the fattest

i guess knowing how disappointed i am in myself when i don’t do an approach

it’s crushing enough.

if i just dwell in this disappointment, i’ll take the next opportunity i get.

even when i was succeeding most in life, i made my home in crushing disappointment. out of greed. i wanted more and more, and anything i could do to make myself happy, grow myself, make the lives of other people around me better, never enough, never good enough. dwell in crushing disappointment, in my head, 24/7 crushing disappointment loop, except when eating or jerking off.

“if you dwell in crushing disappointment,” my inner dialogue went. “you’ll simultaneously crush all of the souls of the people that want to just be ordinary with your accomplishments, and simultaneously, save anyone from having to deal with a sub-human ordinary theReason.”

because nothing else matters other than crushing souls and saving people from interaction with sub-humans.

it certainly motivated the nazis

yeah i don’t know if the prospect of missing an approach is ever going to be crushing enough for me. i might have to be a eunuch serving a life sentence before i’m sufficiently crushed by my circumstance that it matches how suffocated i am by my own mentality.

 

[theReason]

what’s in good taste? to take nothing from the table and starve. but a starved person will lick the floor before dying, his desire to survive is realer than his lived reality. so you come out of it — ALIVE — but having licked the floor and turned down a feast. everybody AROUND you is either a) amused and gonna shit on you or in the case of the people who offered you nice things instead: b) fucking pissed and/or horrified.

 

[theReason]

guys, you go too hard on neo-direct. if you can manufacture serendipity or encounter serendipity, with a confident woman… neo-direct should work just fine, no? the thing to avoid would be like… gulp first then open neo-direct. like if you can open neo-direct with zero thinking, do it. i had a very serendipitous run-in with a girl after exercise class, but my neo-direct “you killed it today; as always” didn’t get a good response because (i hypothesize and hope to fix) i didn’t go balls-deep immediately. i was thrust into the scenario, took a second to think first, then said it. if i had just opened like “i had to say something” then the serendipity would have carried me, i’m pretty sure.

 

[theReason]

Last night, at the bar with my hiking group. I don’t drink, but I’m the single one, and there was one girl at the bar area of the restaurant. My friend needed a phone charger and asked for her assistance as nobody was working the bar when we got there, so he technically opened her first. My whole group got a little involved in that conversation, which she was game with, although she was a little cold to my entrances into that conversation, and there wasn’t any real way to transition it as my friend was kind of being a rude clown.

So I sit there not facing her, back to her, facing my group at the curve of the bar, sitting perpendicular to the back of my chair. She’s on her laptop and phone. I transition to looking out the window now and again, my whole body facing away from her, but with my head turned at a 90 I can keep tabs on her and I enjoy watching her in my peripheral. I do this now and then.

The bartender approaches her; as I find out, they have some personal history, but to my eyes I just see someone else jumping into the icy water before I do.

At one point when I am looking out the window, I see her staring at me briefly. I may have already kind of turned my body more towards the window and her at this point, I don’t remember. But yeah, she’s staring for a second and I look right at her and stare her down. Lol. The stare is pretty hot because it’s like… as if I tempted her for long enough that she just decided to stare me down and I had the balls to just do it back.

She looks away and says “sorry” lol. Looks back down at her computer and I immediately (immediately) open based on the little information I gleaned from the bartender’s conversation with her. This whole process from stare to opening takes less than 15 seconds. I talk to her for 10-20 minutes and then she wants to show me her computer so I tell her to move to the seat between me and her, she complies. I do a little compliance, a lot of deep-diving/similarity, some teasing, no touching. The bartender amog’s us and I break circle. Now I knew this was a mistake as soon as I broke circle, it fixed itself really quickly, as she was very interested in telling me more about herself (I was listening hard-hard).

BUT, let me tell you how this could have changed everything.

Bartender comes and gets the ketchup and mustard from the bar as an excuse to say “heyy.. is she bothering you heh heh”.

So I go like “yeahh” as a tease to the girl.

Now, I had been trying to find an excuse to touch her arm, her leg, anything, kiss her, idk.

But, to my benefit, this AMOG was really just someone externally approaching the conversation and effectively saying in the social situation: “fess up, you two! you guys wanna fuck each other!”

And when he said “heyy is she bothering you,” the mistake was not “breaking circle”. This was a perfect opportunity to not just ignore him, but to touch her face and go for a kiss like with a guy. first touch cheek, then see eyes go “woo-woo”, then touch under chin, lift it up, kiss.

That was the opportunity. Breaking circle was not as important as not escalating.

She stayed interested but every time the bartender interacted from then on out, she got progressively a little less receptive and colder every time she circled back to me.

I still had an ace I could have played anytime up until the bitter end, which was the following:

When she said she “might die on the trail tomorrow”, I should have asked for her number then or really anytime after on the pretext of “I want to know that you didn’t die”. That was obvious at the time, but I didn’t pull the trigger because I was expecting to be able to control the end of the conversation, which didn’t happen. A two-hour bar conversation is not a five-minute street stop, so DWW’s guide to street stops does not apply. Good to know.

My friends tell (literally yell at) me to play the piano. I comply, resulting in far too much value display, chase-y. I needed to bubble so hard. She was getting up to leave and my friends capitalized on my panic.

The one pointer my friends noted to me was that when she asked me if I “did any extreme sports” I should have answered “sex”.

But yeah, a million questions between the two of us, loveliest conversation I’ve had with anyone in a long time, maybe even nicer than the hour and a half conversation I had with an asian milf in Chicago in late June.

If I had a little more social momentum, if I hit on any of the strangers that gave me IOIs during the day for instance, I probably would have had the lubrication to pull (for the kiss at least).





Two days earlier, our previous visit to the same bar. First time there, waitstaff seems rude, clientele seems underdressed and boring, none of my group is sure they want to even be there. We get the only high-top table, in the bar area, order light. A woman appears (in Hickville) in full glam, behind me to my right, in a long black evening gown. facial structure something like Marilyn Manson, but Marilyn Manson as a beautiful woman. Isn’t it funny how there can be a woman that will be a dead ringer for any ugly man and still be incredibly beautiful. Call it the “Turkish Father Effect”.

This is extremely incongruent to me. In retrospect, I didn’t really think too much about the fact that she is hot and close to me and think more about the fact that I could… grill her with a tease-y opener. I’m just observing her a bit.

She’s looking a little anxiously, but with the anxiety of a well-centered powerful person, at the entrance vestibule some distance away, mostly obscured to her by some structural supports. With my angle I can see 3 other women dressed like her, and I turn over and say to her “the other people who are dressed like you are over there”. You know, being helpful. She coolly and calmly unleashes a can of whoopass on me. “Yes, we’re all in a cult, and in the cult you have to wear exclusively eveningwear everywhere you go”. So she is way too confident for me to flip the script back at her, although if I was anticipating it I could have. I just smile and turn away.

My friend group kind of hears kind of doesn’t, among us she becomes the topic of conversation lol. Idk if she overhears it very much.

We’ve transitioned topics and one of our group is in the bathroom when she, sitting at the bar now, directly behind me by 6ft or more, with a subset of her cadre, turns 180 degrees around and opens me. Surreal shit lmao.

“So i get the sense that you are interested in joining our cult…”

“I’d need more information tbh” I reply, or something like that

She has us guess what the nature of their cult is… I just throw out the dumbest answers I can think of. RIP Norm Macdonald. I get most of her cadre laughing a couple times with my “better kept to myself but idgaf” answers to what would otherwise be a kind of chase-y frame. Apparently this is enough for her and she stands up, walks up next to me and talks to 80% me, 20% my other friends combined. It’s possible (by… somebody’s rule?) that my friend she talked the least to was the one she was most interested in, which would make sense because he was the least interested in her, but tbh, didn’t really matter.

As my friend noted much later, I should have moved her. I invited her to pull up a seat at our high-top, she declined and I left it there, she stayed standing, talking mostly to me but a little to the whole group. I should have just done a three-bounce instadate and I probably could have gotten a blowjob under 30 minutes from her opening me.

Lost her to her cadre having creative fits of inspiration… she had to “leave to have a little conversation with her team”. I wasn’t expecting her to come back at all. To my surprise, she came back for just a little encore, said bye and touched my arm (with the social weight applied of both “you kind of fucked up this time lol” and “yes you were the one I wanted”).

For context: the first intimate touch I’ve received from a woman was my yoga instructor… around July. She just put a little extra in the namaste, just touching my face. Basically convivial, not beyond professionalism by any means.

A few weeks later I exchanged foot massages in the context of a civic center massage class with a milf I opened

So now, about a month after that, this is the first true-intent touch I’ve received from a woman.

Wahoo.