Be Nice to Your [soon-to-be] Exes

[Grand Pooba]

Whenever possible, I try to break off with my girlfriends (LTRs, MLTRs, FBs, etc) on the best terms possible.

Usually it looks like one of two ways:
1. We drop off naturally, nothing verbally stated, just a loss of interest and we're both pursuing other men/women or other life priorities. It's an understanding - things just "drop off" between us.
2. We can't be together because of some greater complication - like a long distance, her going away for a while, or her wanting to be exclusive with another guy she is seeing and me being not ready for exclusivity.

In both the above situations there are usually things left unsettled - the break isn't firm or clean, it "just happens." This is GOOD - because there's always room to start it back up again.

Once in a while I also get or do the hard, clean break:
3. We aren't fit for each other anymore and we've tried being together, it was an amazing experience and we both grew, but now let's go our separate ways and be friends.

This is also positive, though there is far less of a frame to get back together since you have already decided and discussed with her that you're not meant for each other. The frame is set.

Either way, everything is done from a positive viewpoint and my intention is always to leave the girl and US in a good place - and to leave a good impression in her mind. In other words, it's true that maybe she's breaking up with you and you don't feel the same way, but be nice not bitter.

Why? Because this attitude opens up more possibilities if any might exist.

A week ago I ran into one of my exes on the street.

Background: This girl I left as Option 1 back in June - we were just dating a few weeks and she told me out of the blue, "I'm not sure how much longer can do this anymore." I knew why - she wants to find an exclusive BF and I'm not the guy. I held her and said something like "Hey it's cool. I totally understand that you want things in your life, like a future with someone, that I'm not the guy for. But, I love you anyway and I still like being with you. I'll see you for as long as you enjoy and want to spend time with me." That was the last time we talked and met up - neither of us texted or made plans. Until a week ago.

I was dropping off dry cleaning in the morning and she just happened to be walking towards me from a block away - headed to work. I smiled and waved and caught up to her, greeted her, asked a little about her and updated her a bit on my life. I told her she looked great, we talked for a minute and then she had to run. I hugged and bid her farewell.

She texted me an hour later stating that it was really nice to see me, and she's happy I'm doing well. I said the same back to her, told her she looked great, and also asked if she's free to catch up soon.

Long story short, that very evening we met for wine at a restaurant a block away from my apartment. We saw each other and smiled, hugged tightly, and then kissed spontaneously. Passion was in the air. We sat down outside and had a glass of wine together - and caught up like old friends - laughing, sharing stories, tales and having a damn good time. After we finished our single glasses of wine I invited her to come by my place. She asked, "is it for more wine," and I smiled and replied with, "ha...we don't have to drink wine..." She and I quietly got up, we crossed the street together and she followed me up to my apartment. We shagged within ten minutes, same day we saw each other. She left right after.

That was last week. I reached out again this week and she invited me to have wine at her place. We chilled for an hour, then shagged again, even better and more passionately than the last week. I went home. New, convenient FB.

In conclusion, always be nice to your exes.

 

[PrettyDecent]

True, yeah, don't burn bridges.

Good for your Karma, and getting laid again is just one of the ways it pays off!

Nick

 

[Lover]

I did this "on & off" with the same girl for 6 years. We always had a kind of FWB relationship. 80 % sex, 20 % regular friends. In the beginning, I had no problem doing this between "other, serious girls" (and in her case, between other serious guys). But as time passed, I hated it. Maybe because I lacked abundance and didn't have sex with prospective girlfriends? Or because it was distracting me from school and training?

But I have a couple of questions relating to this post.

1. With the girl I mentioned above, last time we were together (almost 1½ year, which is the longest time we had been "on"), she eventually wanted an exclusive romantic relationship with me (in other words, she wanted to be my gf). I told her we could look into it, but I promised absolutely nothing. As time passed, I realized I didn't want her as a gf. I told her I wanted to continue the way we had begun, and initially she was a little sad but agreed to continue. She was glad I was honest about it. The sex never changed while our relationship lasted, and everything was good. But slowly, she tried to qualify herself as a gf anyway. I kept telling her she would end up hurting herself in the end, and I knew she had no abundance with guys (at least not romantically). I don't think I said anything wrong, but should I not have ended things somwhere at this point?? Or should I not have said stuff like "We could look into it"

2. She "coincidentally" met a guy who wanted an exclusive relationship with her after a week (funny how things like happen as a coincident ) We could not be having sex as long as they were together. No worries! I'm glad on your behalf, I thought. But that was where shit started to hit the fan... and I was totally unprepared for it because I was not used to things turning out this way... she went on about how his physical features were better than mine, how he was a "good guy" (lol), better in bed (lolol), and her friends and family had noticed she looked happier etc. etc. So all my positive feelings of seeing her happy because of her new guy turned around 180 degrees in an instant. She was rubbing in my face how she had found a better guy for her in pretty much every matter. After that, she even suggested "But we should still stay friends". She even gave good reasons to why we should stay friends, such as if things did not work out between them then she and I could go back to have sex, or things could die slowly between us. She had really thought this through.

Usually I could maintain my frame if she sounded genuinely happy about meeting some other guy. But this time.. it sounded like she was getting into a relationship with him because of the bitterness she felt from not getting into an exclusive relationship with me. I was so overwhelmed at the whole situation that I told her "no, we can't stay friends. I'm tired of this on and off cyclus, and you don't rub in someone's face how your new guy is better for you and then suggest a friendship". She said that I was cruel because I could leave her "just like that" and never cared for her. But that was of course an emotional respons, so I didn't answer it. Instead, I said I don't like the way things are turning out, and I don't want to discuss it anymore. "You are such a bad guy!!" (and she meant this in the bad sense). I smiled (unconsciously) because I was thinking that I knew exactly what she was doing - trying to put the blame on me. And that smile triggered her last respons "Stop smiling! You're not the one breaking up, I am. I don't deserve to get treated the way you treat me! Get the fuck outta my house!". Yes miss, right away )

So no, this relationship didn't end on good terms. But given the details, would you guys not have ended things with her for good - even though you almost live in the same neighborhood and have a high risk of seeing her few times a year?

3. Generally, I must say I have bad experience with returning to exes or former partners even if it ended on good terms or simply "died over time". I have that feeling of "it is over, move on", and I have never truly felt like getting back together with them if we caught up. Should I change this if I want to become a better lover, or should I let exes be exes?

 

[foggy]

Great post! I like it.

All the potential scenarios you mentioned are positive. Towards the end of your post you started talking about how it's important to leave the relationship on good terms, and to avoid being bitter. I'm going to expand a little on that.

In some cases the girl will start to go into auto-rejection and as a result she will start acting cold, rude, and distant. This can cause her to initiate drama. She'll try to find things wrong with you and bitch at you for it, just so she can give herself an excuse of why things aren't working between you two. It depends on the kind of relationship you have with the girl, but if it's a newer one where you're seeing her and there's no exclusivity yet, you may or may not choose to talk about this situation with her. I know that some guys like Blackdragon would just do a NEXT instead of talking it out. I don't have an abundance mentality yet, but if you have one, then it's going to be very easy to NEXT this girl who's giving you drama and just move on to the next one. In your case, Grand Pooba, you did have clear communication with your girl, but that's not always going to be the case.

When a girl is going into auto rejection like this it is ridiculously important to hold your frame. Your viewpoint of her does not change. Your behaviour towards her does not change. When a girl starts pulling away, some guys will chase. When a girl starts bitching and causing drama, some guys will negatively react to this. Just chill out and don't argue with her.

If you don't chase and don't negatively react, this sets things up so that she can easily come back to you in the future. Her frame changed, but yours didn't. When she comes back she can easily mould back into your frame like nothing ever happened. However, if both your frames changed, that's going to hinder her from coming back and easily settling back to into some sort of relationship with you. This is because it's just hard - now you guys gotta figure out what's going on and establish a new frame, instead of her just moulding back into the previous frame.

 

[Grand Pooba]

1. With the girl I mentioned above, last time we were together (almost 1½ year, which is the longest time we had been "on"), she eventually wanted an exclusive romantic relationship with me (in other words, she wanted to be my gf). I told her we could look into it, but I promised absolutely nothing. As time passed, I realized I didn't want her as a gf. I told her I wanted to continue the way we had begun, and initially she was a little sad but agreed to continue. She was glad I was honest about it. The sex never changed while our relationship lasted, and everything was good. But slowly, she tried to qualify herself as a gf anyway. I kept telling her she would end up hurting herself in the end, and I knew she had no abundance with guys (at least not romantically). I don't think I said anything wrong, but should I not have ended things somwhere at this point?? Or should I not have said stuff like "We could look into it"

2. She "coincidentally" met a guy who wanted an exclusive relationship with her after a week (funny how things like happen as a coincident ) We could not be having sex as long as they were together. No worries! I'm glad on your behalf, I thought. But that was where shit started to hit the fan... and I was totally unprepared for it because I was not used to things turning out this way... she went on about how his physical features were better than mine, how he was a "good guy" (lol), better in bed (lolol), and her friends and family had noticed she looked happier etc. etc. So all my positive feelings of seeing her happy because of her new guy turned around 180 degrees in an instant. She was rubbing in my face how she had found a better guy for her in pretty much every matter. After that, she even suggested "But we should still stay friends". She even gave good reasons to why we should stay friends, such as if things did not work out between them then she and I could go back to have sex, or things could die slowly between us. She had really thought this through.

Usually I could maintain my frame if she sounded genuinely happy about meeting some other guy. But this time.. it sounded like she was getting into a relationship with him because of the bitterness she felt from not getting into an exclusive relationship with me. I was so overwhelmed at the whole situation that I told her "no, we can't stay friends. I'm tired of this on and off cyclus, and you don't rub in someone's face how your new guy is better for you and then suggest a friendship". She said that I was cruel because I could leave her "just like that" and never cared for her. But that was of course an emotional respons, so I didn't answer it. Instead, I said I don't like the way things are turning out, and I don't want to discuss it anymore. "You are such a bad guy!!" (and she meant this in the bad sense). I smiled (unconsciously) because I was thinking that I knew exactly what she was doing - trying to put the blame on me. And that smile triggered her last respons "Stop smiling! You're not the one breaking up, I am. I don't deserve to get treated the way you treat me! Get the fuck outta my house!". Yes miss, right away )

So no, this relationship didn't end on good terms. But given the details, would you guys not have ended things with her for good - even though you almost live in the same neighborhood and have a high risk of seeing her few times a year?

Yeah the issue here is that you have to respect what the girl wants as well - and you didn't. She said she eventually wanted an exclusive romantic relationship with you. That is woman-speak for: "I need to be in an exclusive relationship with a man to feel safe and fulfilled. You're my first choice, I like you."

But, you didn't give it to her - you tried to keep it the same setup where it's not exclusive but you're seeing each other like a girlfriend and boyfriend. Thus, she started lashing out at you because she feels trapped. The first way she lashed out was by trying to make herself a gf anyway - a lot of girls do this hoping a guy they like will change their mind. You also set this up though - you said you'd look into it, meaning you told her you see some potential for it to become more, when you really weren't interested at all. So effectively she felt that by being more like a girlfriend you might change your mind. However, by mismanaging this part you're setting yourself up for the inverse as well - where she dumps you out of the blue for another man. At the end of the day she still wants that exclusive relationship, whether it's with you or someone else.

This has happened to me too once, by the way.

In your situation, I would have figured out what I wanted out of this girl long, long before it got to this point, and walked away from her the moment that shit started to hit the fan,and also been absolutely clear that I'm not the guy to be exclusive with, but I do enjoy being with her.

I would have given her space to find what she really wants.

Understand that every girl has a "perfect" movie for her life. Just like you have a "perfect" vision for your life as well. And if you're not going to give her what she wants, she's still going to try to find it. If she wants a boyfriend, then either become the boyfriend or drop things off and let her find what she really wants. But don't manipulate the situation by trying to keep seeing her while not giving her what she really wants.

One of the reasons that it worked out well with my girl is that we both enjoy fucking each other, we have a great time when we hang out, but we've tried dating and being romantic and it wasn't that great. We know exactly where each of us stands and we're completely clear and upfront about it, even though we haven't explicitly had some kind of "talk." It's just an understanding.

In some cases the girl will start to go into auto-rejection and as a result she will start acting cold, rude, and distant. This can cause her to initiate drama. She'll try to find things wrong with you and bitch at you for it, just so she can give herself an excuse of why things aren't working between you two. It depends on the kind of relationship you have with the girl, but if it's a newer one where you're seeing her and there's no exclusivity yet, you may or may not choose to talk about this situation with her. I know that some guys like Blackdragon would just do a NEXT instead of talking it out. I don't have an abundance mentality yet, but if you have one, then it's going to be very easy to NEXT this girl who's giving you drama and just move on to the next one. In your case, Grand Pooba, you did have clear communication with your girl, but that's not always going to be the case.

Yeah I've actually had this happen to me before. Exactly what you wrote above in fact, although in my situation the girl was not "creating problems" because she wanted to end things, but because she actually wanted me to be exclusive to her and I wasn't on the same page. That was about nine or so months in, though, and it was always non-exclusive. Like you said there's a clear cut reason why this is happening - and that is because she likes you (presumably more than you like her) but you're not giving her what she wants. So she's basically going to create a situation - via autorejection as described above - where you either stay and give in to what she wants, or leave her and allow her to find what she really wants. Both of these are weak frames for the man.

So how do you manage this particular situation? Sure, NEXTing is certainly an option, but at that point the fire has already started and you're just trying to put it out...by walking away from it and letting it burn itself out, basically. Strong frame yes, but not a happy ending between you two.

Personally, I always like to be ahead of the curve in a relationship - at the very beginning I try and figure out what I really want from it as well as what the girl really wants, and during our dating I try to sense and feel out where the relationship is at any point in time, effectively beating a girl to the punch of doing this herself. This doesn't always happen as I'm still building that experience base, but this is like playing chess knowing your moves 3-5 turns ahead of time. For example, in my original post I already knew well ahead of time that the girl was actually looking for a real relationship, and my relationship with her was just temporary because I didn't want to be exclusive to her. And, I accepted that. So when she actually brought up the issue, stating that she's not sure if she can do this anymore, I was expecting that to happen regardless and it just happened to be at that point in time. And after that point, I made my case which I had already decided in the preceding weeks - I still love her and enjoy being with her but I understand I'm not the one she wants and she should go find it - and then I moved on myself by not making plans for a new meet - until we ran into each other coincidentally.

If I did make plans for a new meet immediately afterwards and tried to keep seeing her in the same capacity, she would become very irritated with me because I'm not giving her what she wants, nor am I giving her the space to find what she wants.

However, by distancing myself I actually gave her EXACTLY what she wanted - space to find a boyfriend. And within that time maybe she realized that she actually missed me and liked a few things about me. And while our running into each other was simply a coincidence, it could also have been arranged through texting, sending something like "Hey! I saw something that reminded me of you the other day, how've you been?" or along those lines. And when I met her, our relationship was "reduced," friendly AND sexual but NOT romantic - because the romantic side is reserved for the guy she wants as a BF.

Does this make sense?

3. Generally, I must say I have bad experience with returning to exes or former partners even if it ended on good terms or simply "died over time". I have that feeling of "it is over, move on", and I have never truly felt like getting back together with them if we caught up. Should I change this if I want to become a better lover, or should I let exes be exes?

It depends on what you want. Chase has a no-take-exes-back policy, and I've pretty much adopted the same. The reason is - if you didn't like it the first time, go find a different girl who can give you what you really want. Going back to a former partner is fun, but it's also just comfortable. But in this case, for convenience sake this girl lives five minutes from me, and I'm having some issues with a different girl who lives 60 minutes away but really wants to be in a real relationship - I want to switch their roles so that every body is happier all around, and it's just far more convenient!

 

[Drck]

Great posts! If she wants to walk out, let her. Don't chase, don't be negative, don't even ask why. Simply let her go, smile, shrug your shoulders and wish her a great life. She MAY come back even years later, she may keep you on her list of orbitals (in which you of course don't participate voluntary)...

 

[Grand Pooba]

Great posts! If she wants to walk out, let her. Don't chase, don't be negative, don't even ask why. Simply let her go, smile, shrug your shoulders and wish her a great life. She MAY come back even years later, she may keep you on her list of orbitals (in which you of course don't participate voluntary)...

Great response. I want to make one comment which I feel was missing from what you wrote, and that is: treat the girl like a human being who has dreams and feelings. Everything you said is true but it works out even better when you can empathize with the girl for the reasons behind her choices.

 

[Lover]

Hey Varoon, thanks a bunch for answering my questions. They are really helpful, and I have clearer idea of what I want now, and how I shall pursue all this!