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One of the new articles by Chase got me thinking about this, and something that I think will help a lot of guys avoid cringe-worthy moments (like some of the guys in a video he did a review on in this article: https://www.girlschase.com/article/social-life/social-skills-101-basic-social-skills-are-100-crucial )
Then there's this video that I came across:
So here's something that helped me (cuz I can be a hard case sometimes and this was simple for me to focus on), and that was paying attention to openness as well as comfort vs discomfort. But not just that, also the ability to just bow out.
The first thing is called the rapport continuum and the watered down version works like this: how much of their chest/vital organs they show to you = how much rapport you have with them
Rapport Continuum (Dave Snyder)
Example, are they willing to face you full on, or are they kind of off to the side? Do they have things/people/objects kind of blocking their heart away from you? If somebody puts something in-between their heart and you it means that they're not fully onboard with you yet.
Here are some pictures to help visualize:
There's one with my back turned completely, which is terrible for any kind of rapport to be built. The others you can work with (and even a back turn can be worked with, but I'm not one to swing for the fences myself), but here are a few reasons why to pay attention to this:
1) changes either positive or negative. Are they giving you more of their body or less of their body as time goes on? Furthermore, if you say or do something and they make a change in their body positioning that means you have done something to help build rapport or decrease rapport and can help you learn that much faster if you pay attention to it
2) you can copy their body positioning or even give slightly less of your body than they give you. This either puts you in a position of being the same, or slightly above her. And that will give you a small boost. But the bigger reason to do this is so that you're not chasing.
--> Imagine this; you're chatting to someone barely looking to the side over your shoulder as they're fully facing you. Who has more power in this scenario, you or them?
3) you can use this to reward women when they do something you like. For example, maybe she showcases a quality that you like, or maybe she cracks a witty one-liner or something. Perhaps she even talks about how awesome you are. In these situations, you can 'give' her more of your body to show her that she's winning you over. And likewise, if she starts boring you, you can turn away from her a little bit so that she can pick up on the fact that she needs to stop doing whatever it is that she's doing to kind of punish her
--> This way, you can reward her for small things by giving her more of your attention or giving less of your attention as a punishment where you can't really do anything else
It sounds simple, but I see a lot of people, both men and women neglect tiny things like this.
And here's a small side note about approaching while keeping this in mind: It helps keep you from chasing her, but you can actually get a lot closer to someone and have them be comfortable with it than if you try to get close to them from the front (which, if you get closer you can create more sexual tension and all of that good stuff while keeping out of the 'polite nice guy zone').
I think it comes down to the fact that we have more to defend ourselves from the side instead of the front so we're naturally more comfortable if people get close to our arm/side rather than our front/chest. But again, I'm just guessing about the why it works. I just noticed that it helps. It also helps place you on the same team as someone because you're 'on the same side'.
That last part can sound kind of stupid, but it's something that I noticed my cousin do a TREMENDOUS amount of the time when speaking to possible real estate clients and something I tested myself. It could just come down to comfort/rapport/similarity. Again, I don't know the true reason as I'm only guessing about the why. But I have noticed that it works.
One final note: the rapport continuum kinda falls apart if you're sitting while facing someone. So for that as well as it's easier to build tension, I personally recommend that you never sit across from someone. Always sit next to them.
If you or she gets there first and somehow you end up sitting across from them, my personal favorite way to fix this is to show them something on my phone. Whether it's a funny video, a cool picture or even my Instagram. I'll be like, here let me show you and get up and switch sides to sit next to them. If I feel like I can get away with it, I'll ask them to move to me, but most of the time I'm doing this extremely early so I just get up and move myself.
Watch for Signs of Comfort vs. Discomfort
While you're paying attention to how much of their body they give you, also pay attention and look out for signs of comfort vs discomfort. Now, with anything body language related I have to give a small disclaimer: no single piece of body language can tell you anything. You always have to look for multiple signals. And even then you can still get it wrong for various reasons.
It's more like a percentage thing. Like, if she hugs you and kisses you on the cheek you can be pretty damn sure that she likes you. But that doesn't tell if you if you're really good friends or she wants your cock inside her. Nor does it tell you if it's a cultural/politeness thing that she does or even a way to end the conversation. Like, okay good talking to you hug+kiss byeeeee
But chances are good that you have a green light to at least talk to and flirt with her and see where things can go.
Again, all about percentages. The more pieces that tell you she's either comfortable or uncomfortable you have to read, the greater the chance you're reading it correctly. This also applies to the rapport continuum above.
Here are a few different signs, most of them from Joe Navarro (if I remember correctly)
Exit Cues I Believe I Got From The Charisma Matrix, but basically they are indicators that someone is wanting to leave the conversation. Like if they point their feet and body away from you (can be gradual or sudden). Or if someone is says something like "well, it's getting late" or "I'd better get going".
If it's a girl you're talking to and you get an exit cue, it could be that she wants you to take her home or move her somewhere else. But either way, it's still an indicator for you to shift gears.
How Open Are They To You?
Basically, you can see this as how willing someone is to follow your lead.
Whether that be you asking questions or even trying to lead someone in general.
Again, this might sound like 'duh, how dumb do you have to be to talk about this', but you'd be surprised how often I see people ignore when someone is giving them one-word answers or even fighting against compliance requests.
Hell, I've had this happen to me where I'm trying to be polite and allow the other person to save face by only giving one-word answers and plenty of 'exit cues' but they refuse to pick up on it. And in my personal experience, this is where a lot of rude rejections come from.
People are surprisingly nice, even if you overstep your boundaries as long as you acknowledge their cues to close off to you.
Hell, you can even save face by just calling it out "Seems like you're not really interested *quick 1 second pause to see their reaction* so I'm just gonna head out. Hope you have a great day". If someone is interested but isn't expressing it, they'll immediately jump into that quick pause to make sure you understand them better.
Which, in my experience, is what most people on this planet want. Just to be understood correctly and people will put in a surprising amount of effort to make sure you understand them. You just have to pay attention.
Lastly, Master The Ability to Just Bow Out
Shit happens, even the masters of the masters (which I am certainly not) will make mistakes or even just meet people that are uninterested.
If you just bow out after shooting your shot you'll save yourself MOUNTAINS of embarrassment and emotional pain from someone having to get rude with you to make sure you get the point. And raaaaaaaaaaarely you'll turn it around with that person and have things work out by just accepting that it's not working and moving on.
Plus, most people understand that it's hard to put yourself out there. As long as you're paying attention and looking out for the signs (of which, there are always many) that you then respect, most people will respect the hell out of you for trying.
I've never had someone talk shit about me failing with some girl (at least, to my face). I've had people give me shit before, sure. But most people just look at you like you're some rockstar (even when you're an absolute noob who started yesterday).
People seem to respect action and boldness because it's hard to do. And people understand that.
Then there's this video that I came across:
So here's something that helped me (cuz I can be a hard case sometimes and this was simple for me to focus on), and that was paying attention to openness as well as comfort vs discomfort. But not just that, also the ability to just bow out.
The first thing is called the rapport continuum and the watered down version works like this: how much of their chest/vital organs they show to you = how much rapport you have with them
Rapport Continuum (Dave Snyder)
Example, are they willing to face you full on, or are they kind of off to the side? Do they have things/people/objects kind of blocking their heart away from you? If somebody puts something in-between their heart and you it means that they're not fully onboard with you yet.
Here are some pictures to help visualize:
There's one with my back turned completely, which is terrible for any kind of rapport to be built. The others you can work with (and even a back turn can be worked with, but I'm not one to swing for the fences myself), but here are a few reasons why to pay attention to this:
1) changes either positive or negative. Are they giving you more of their body or less of their body as time goes on? Furthermore, if you say or do something and they make a change in their body positioning that means you have done something to help build rapport or decrease rapport and can help you learn that much faster if you pay attention to it
2) you can copy their body positioning or even give slightly less of your body than they give you. This either puts you in a position of being the same, or slightly above her. And that will give you a small boost. But the bigger reason to do this is so that you're not chasing.
--> Imagine this; you're chatting to someone barely looking to the side over your shoulder as they're fully facing you. Who has more power in this scenario, you or them?
3) you can use this to reward women when they do something you like. For example, maybe she showcases a quality that you like, or maybe she cracks a witty one-liner or something. Perhaps she even talks about how awesome you are. In these situations, you can 'give' her more of your body to show her that she's winning you over. And likewise, if she starts boring you, you can turn away from her a little bit so that she can pick up on the fact that she needs to stop doing whatever it is that she's doing to kind of punish her
--> This way, you can reward her for small things by giving her more of your attention or giving less of your attention as a punishment where you can't really do anything else
It sounds simple, but I see a lot of people, both men and women neglect tiny things like this.
And here's a small side note about approaching while keeping this in mind: It helps keep you from chasing her, but you can actually get a lot closer to someone and have them be comfortable with it than if you try to get close to them from the front (which, if you get closer you can create more sexual tension and all of that good stuff while keeping out of the 'polite nice guy zone').
I think it comes down to the fact that we have more to defend ourselves from the side instead of the front so we're naturally more comfortable if people get close to our arm/side rather than our front/chest. But again, I'm just guessing about the why it works. I just noticed that it helps. It also helps place you on the same team as someone because you're 'on the same side'.
That last part can sound kind of stupid, but it's something that I noticed my cousin do a TREMENDOUS amount of the time when speaking to possible real estate clients and something I tested myself. It could just come down to comfort/rapport/similarity. Again, I don't know the true reason as I'm only guessing about the why. But I have noticed that it works.
One final note: the rapport continuum kinda falls apart if you're sitting while facing someone. So for that as well as it's easier to build tension, I personally recommend that you never sit across from someone. Always sit next to them.
If you or she gets there first and somehow you end up sitting across from them, my personal favorite way to fix this is to show them something on my phone. Whether it's a funny video, a cool picture or even my Instagram. I'll be like, here let me show you and get up and switch sides to sit next to them. If I feel like I can get away with it, I'll ask them to move to me, but most of the time I'm doing this extremely early so I just get up and move myself.
Watch for Signs of Comfort vs. Discomfort
While you're paying attention to how much of their body they give you, also pay attention and look out for signs of comfort vs discomfort. Now, with anything body language related I have to give a small disclaimer: no single piece of body language can tell you anything. You always have to look for multiple signals. And even then you can still get it wrong for various reasons.
It's more like a percentage thing. Like, if she hugs you and kisses you on the cheek you can be pretty damn sure that she likes you. But that doesn't tell if you if you're really good friends or she wants your cock inside her. Nor does it tell you if it's a cultural/politeness thing that she does or even a way to end the conversation. Like, okay good talking to you hug+kiss byeeeee
But chances are good that you have a green light to at least talk to and flirt with her and see where things can go.
Again, all about percentages. The more pieces that tell you she's either comfortable or uncomfortable you have to read, the greater the chance you're reading it correctly. This also applies to the rapport continuum above.
Here are a few different signs, most of them from Joe Navarro (if I remember correctly)
Signs of Comfort
- Eyebrow flashes
- Gravity-defying behavior, in general, is a comfort sign because it takes effort to defy gravity in some way
- Relaxing face/body
- Tilting their heads
- Mimicking gestures or words
- Leaning in
Signs of Discomfort
- Lips compress or ‘disappear’
- Jaws/fists clench up
- ‘Pacifying behaviors’
- Rubbing their neck, head or just about anything
- Self-touching in general which includes arm or leg crossing
- Eye/mouth blocking
- Or putting objects in between you
- If someone distances themselves physically
- Exit cues
Exit Cues I Believe I Got From The Charisma Matrix, but basically they are indicators that someone is wanting to leave the conversation. Like if they point their feet and body away from you (can be gradual or sudden). Or if someone is says something like "well, it's getting late" or "I'd better get going".
If it's a girl you're talking to and you get an exit cue, it could be that she wants you to take her home or move her somewhere else. But either way, it's still an indicator for you to shift gears.
How Open Are They To You?
Basically, you can see this as how willing someone is to follow your lead.
Whether that be you asking questions or even trying to lead someone in general.
Again, this might sound like 'duh, how dumb do you have to be to talk about this', but you'd be surprised how often I see people ignore when someone is giving them one-word answers or even fighting against compliance requests.
Hell, I've had this happen to me where I'm trying to be polite and allow the other person to save face by only giving one-word answers and plenty of 'exit cues' but they refuse to pick up on it. And in my personal experience, this is where a lot of rude rejections come from.
People are surprisingly nice, even if you overstep your boundaries as long as you acknowledge their cues to close off to you.
Hell, you can even save face by just calling it out "Seems like you're not really interested *quick 1 second pause to see their reaction* so I'm just gonna head out. Hope you have a great day". If someone is interested but isn't expressing it, they'll immediately jump into that quick pause to make sure you understand them better.
Which, in my experience, is what most people on this planet want. Just to be understood correctly and people will put in a surprising amount of effort to make sure you understand them. You just have to pay attention.
Lastly, Master The Ability to Just Bow Out
Shit happens, even the masters of the masters (which I am certainly not) will make mistakes or even just meet people that are uninterested.
If you just bow out after shooting your shot you'll save yourself MOUNTAINS of embarrassment and emotional pain from someone having to get rude with you to make sure you get the point. And raaaaaaaaaaarely you'll turn it around with that person and have things work out by just accepting that it's not working and moving on.
Plus, most people understand that it's hard to put yourself out there. As long as you're paying attention and looking out for the signs (of which, there are always many) that you then respect, most people will respect the hell out of you for trying.
I've never had someone talk shit about me failing with some girl (at least, to my face). I've had people give me shit before, sure. But most people just look at you like you're some rockstar (even when you're an absolute noob who started yesterday).
People seem to respect action and boldness because it's hard to do. And people understand that.
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