Being Too Confrontational or Judgemental

[Jano23]

Hey guys,

Another great article from Chase today about friendship and how to make friends. He's been churning them out left and right these days hasn't he! Love this site man been a frequent poster in the comment section but here's my first post in the boards. So, Here we go!

One area that I've been struggling with lately is something my close friend has told me time and time again "Jon you're confrontational" or "you're judgmental" or "you're too blunt"

I think it came from growing up in a home with a strong black dad. He was one of those dad's that says it straight and had the look to match it. Everyone is intimidated by him in some way, and even I am to certain extent.

And one of the reasons why is he projects his voice and is very strong in the way he speaks. I've picked up on that throughout my life and I act in that same manner all day everyday. And, I can tell its really turning people off.

Especially when it comes to friends I'll get invited out but I get this sense that when I start to speak the whole group takes a turn. It becomes one that's heavy and confrontational whereas before it was light and humorous.

I'm doing what I can to smile more and joke around but its tough because I'm also very sarcastic too and blunt. So, it's like I'm having to rewire myself so to speak. It's hurting me with my game too because my best interactions with women are those who like to "battle it out."

They can be fun to be around but I've been getting turned off by it because neither of us really walk "feeling good" about the interaction it's more like that was interesting... Or it'll be like "well you won this time." It's just not a great way to talk with people or women I've noticed. So, I'm come to you guys because I'd appreciate any tips or maybe articles you can point me to help this rewire be a more efficient process. BEcause right now it's a simple smile and try to joke more thing.

JFav.

 

[Eternity]

I have a similar father. Blunt, sarcastic, and to the point. Everyone is intimidated by him too, including me. I also have embodied some similar mannerisms and scare some people too, including women. Some of the people i know say im an intimadating guy, even though im only 5'4. What's worked for me is being more of the strong silent type who only talks when he needs to talk and smile and crack a joke every now and then so i dont look too serious. I used to smile more with women i had a connection with and teased them lightly. Keep away from the sarcasm and coolness when flirting women, some will do it back to you and as u say its not pretty, i hated it too. Deep diving is a favorite here because all u need to do is get her talking and ask the questions, if u can control yourself, all u need is a calm demeanor when ur with someone and the attraction starts flowing, throw a sexy smile here and there and ur making progress. There's plenty of articles on the blog, u can search for them.

 

[Addicted2height]

I used to have a big problem with sarcasm.
People couldn't tell the difference between me having a joke and being completely serious.
Now days after a sarcastic comment i make sure i laugh and smile, seams to get the point across

 

[Light]

Hi Jano23,

I can understand your frustration. But I'm pretty sure that the problem doesn't just lie in the influence your father had in you. This is an ego problem.
"Having to always be right." - And until you accept that in yourself it will be hard to move on. I know because I used to have that problem myself too, and I still do sometimes, but I am much better now compared to how I was 5 years ago.

"You can either be Right, OR you can be Happy" - A quote which I have taken to heart till this day which has changed my life.

Good thing is that you already know where your problem is, so that is half the work done. Your problem can be solved easily. There is only one advise I can give you. Learn to LISTEN more, and talk less.

What that implies is that you should think before you talk. As in think to yourself why is that person saying this? There has to be a reason. Could he / she be right?

It is not what you say to that person, but HOW you say it that can make all the difference in a conversation, and good news for you, these are skills which you can learn and practice on.

I really recommend you read this book by Dale Carnegie - "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends ... 031&sr=1-1


Light