- Joined
- Oct 31, 2020
- Messages
- 170
Hey fellas long time no see
Here is some quick context I'm in a relationship with a women approx a year and whom i met through distant mutual.
I think i lost my sense of frame a bit and im a bit troubled with how i handled the response from my girl. I'll shortly get into what is on my mind
Heads up this is my first relationship ever so im bound to make silly mistakes on the way so go easy on me.
ill label a few areas with 'questions' so you guys know what guidance im particular seeking.
we made some boundaries and we agreed ( this was prior to reading up on Chase articles like https://www.girlschase.com/article/10-things-forbid-your-committed-gf-or-wife-doing )
although im unsure if i should set up boundaries on her attending catch up parties that are all girls and all of them are her friends and i permitted it, even though she is bisexual which makes this kinda tricky.I believe she is committed to me so i thought nothing of it however for the sake of setting boundaries im not sure whether it is necessary or not..... question: I want to hear your guys opinions on this whether it is necessary to set boundaries on this?
Ok lets get down to whats troubling me,
So a few days ago my girl was invited to a mutual birthday party and i was not invited(ouch lol) and she called me if she could go because she haven't caught up with her for a while. Additionally she was going to meet her at the party the next day so I was caught off guard when we planned to have me sleepover at her place for the weekend,.
I wanted to say no even though she had made an exception for me because i was going to attend a close friend's birthday which was going to be co-ed, i asked her about the details about the party to delay a response from my end.
she said she hasn't received any details about the party and i knew the girl wasn't a good influence. I gave her a half baked answer there could be illicit drugs and alcohol and asked her to call me again after i think about it.
She kinda got the message on how i was feeling about it so she was completely chill and understanding and said if it makes me "uncomfortable" she wouldn't go.
We ended the call and she gave me some time to think and she called again a few hours later. By this point i looked up https://www.girlschase.com/article/how-stop-woman-doing-forbidden-things and the following sequel https://www.girlschase.com/article/how-stop-woman-doing-forbidden-things. To have a better idea of adjusting my response instead of just "no i don't think you should go " and not being prepared for a clash of frames from her objections.
So the call went like this, I said that i won't permit her from going because 1. I wasn't invited and she can't go, 2. i like my privacy with my girl and i didn't want my friends to be thinking too much about us if we came together 3. the host is bad influence and i gave her an example on what if i was on the opposite end of things being influenced to flirt with other girls and i suggest she could make a plan with her to meet her in a more appropriate setting to congratulate her birthday and catch up
she at first retorted that, she said she could just go alone and it wouldn't conflict with 2. and she would just hang out with her friends but i double downed on 3. and she accepted it after i painted an image of me being influenced by guys friends at the party, and asked me whats different between her exception of letting me to go to my mates party and not this one, i retorted it because i know my close friend well enough that they wouldn't try anything stupid like 'influencing' me to make 'bad decisions'
question: How would you guys responded to this circumstance with your girlfriend going to mutual friend party or your girl going to a co-ed party ? did i frame this right or was i too needy? how should have i done it
However, some drama flared up
We met soon after a few days and i slept over and had sex, and she felt irritated when she asked me what i did the few days prior meeting her and i answered hanging out with my mates and went to the casino. She said it was something small when i asked her why she was 'pissed' and i personally didn't like any stones upturned so i pursued it.
she felt irritated that i going out and i had fun( i went out with some mates) and i didn't tell her anything prior that i went to casino venue and it made it worst when she saw some of her friends on social media at the mutual friends birthday party that she wanted to catch up with.
then some where along the talk she was teary and emotional and she asked me if it was because i was doubting her that she would flirt with other people, at the party which decided my decision of saying no, and calling out my justification for not letting her go as 'ridiculous' as she isn't that type of person to do these things and she would stay by her friends side and not talk to anyone because it was co-ed( she made an exception for me) and questioned me whether because of her or was it because of the influences at the party.... I reassured her obviously and said the latter.
She said she really really wanted to go but at the end of the day she didn't and obliged with my desire of her not going, so she felt hurt when i went out with my friends and went to a gambling venue for shits and giggles and she didn't know anything about it until i told her and she thought i would make an exception for her to go as she did the same for me.
It did made me guilty knowing that i hurt her unintentionally.. question: so im asking what your guys thoughts on my decisions and how i could have done better.
At the end she cooled off after we finished by the end of the talk and she felt something is not right between us and she couldn't put a touch on it. she said it was communication like not telling her if im going out to do something that could be 'risky' for the stability of the relationship which is how i interpreted and wanted me to have the same curtsy like her informing me if she is going out to do something.
Post drama and sleepover, we had sex and we moved on after it, additionally there wasn't any irregular behavior on her end and she is always keen and horny to meet up this week.
Question: is this the right diagnosis?
I think it had to do with attainability when she brought up "communication" but these days i feel like im making the jump on this conclusion obviously there is some attainability issue in the past like lack of communication which is an ongoing process because im pretty spontaneous when going out with friends and i forget to tell her if im doing something "risky" behaviors (that bring instability to the relationship ). For example she would give me the curtsy to tell me if she is hanging out with her friends to do xyz or she would tell me in advance what her plans are likely to be whereas i just do it and tell her later when it has already happened. Is this shit normal or nah?
Although I do feel something is off or maybe im just new and overthinking it. I'm not sure how should i interpret this drama is there something im not getting here or have i handled it the right way? im not sure if im screwing with my frame here but it doesn't sit right with me at the moment.
So i hope you guys can help with this matter
side notes:
Question: im a little conflicted with https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/25-maxims-on-relationships.25187/ rule #3 keep flirting with other women, i know my question sounds silly but this would contradict my boundaries would it not and should i take it seriously? am i suppose to flirt with every girl infront of her lmao, like how is this done propery
question: when establishing boundaries, I expect her to uphold it(otherwise there will be punishments) and she does but i feel like the boundaries are self inflicting because the boundaries are "equal", for example if you trespass these boundaries I'll do the same sorta expectations(is this the right way to set boundaries, where the boundaries apply to yourself?) . I want to be free from these sorta "restrictions" or is it a necessary component for the relationship to work because i wanted to entertain the idea of a one sided relationship eventually maybe not with this chick but perhaps in the future where im free to do whatever while she is expected to uphold my rules you get me.
random note :
speaking of on this topic matter of parties , i recall a friend allegedly broke up with his girl whom attended to a party without him knowing and danced with another dude.. it was some messy drama and she was allegedly "talking" with another guy(potentially same guy) on social media . I can't say what was completely true but i feel like it impacted my decision on saying no at the end of the day on a subconscious level.
I apologies for the really,really long post fellas,
very much appreciated
Nicko
Here is some quick context I'm in a relationship with a women approx a year and whom i met through distant mutual.
I think i lost my sense of frame a bit and im a bit troubled with how i handled the response from my girl. I'll shortly get into what is on my mind
Heads up this is my first relationship ever so im bound to make silly mistakes on the way so go easy on me.
ill label a few areas with 'questions' so you guys know what guidance im particular seeking.
we made some boundaries and we agreed ( this was prior to reading up on Chase articles like https://www.girlschase.com/article/10-things-forbid-your-committed-gf-or-wife-doing )
- no funny business with the other sex on social media (direct messaging ect) as she hasn't talked to any guy since we were together
- no orbiters, no one on one meet ups with the opposite sex even though as "friends"
- no co-ed parties , clubbing ,festivals, drinking with friends single behavior activities
- she personally won't drink( she's happy to follow my lead)
although im unsure if i should set up boundaries on her attending catch up parties that are all girls and all of them are her friends and i permitted it, even though she is bisexual which makes this kinda tricky.I believe she is committed to me so i thought nothing of it however for the sake of setting boundaries im not sure whether it is necessary or not..... question: I want to hear your guys opinions on this whether it is necessary to set boundaries on this?
Ok lets get down to whats troubling me,
So a few days ago my girl was invited to a mutual birthday party and i was not invited(ouch lol) and she called me if she could go because she haven't caught up with her for a while. Additionally she was going to meet her at the party the next day so I was caught off guard when we planned to have me sleepover at her place for the weekend,.
I wanted to say no even though she had made an exception for me because i was going to attend a close friend's birthday which was going to be co-ed, i asked her about the details about the party to delay a response from my end.
she said she hasn't received any details about the party and i knew the girl wasn't a good influence. I gave her a half baked answer there could be illicit drugs and alcohol and asked her to call me again after i think about it.
She kinda got the message on how i was feeling about it so she was completely chill and understanding and said if it makes me "uncomfortable" she wouldn't go.
We ended the call and she gave me some time to think and she called again a few hours later. By this point i looked up https://www.girlschase.com/article/how-stop-woman-doing-forbidden-things and the following sequel https://www.girlschase.com/article/how-stop-woman-doing-forbidden-things. To have a better idea of adjusting my response instead of just "no i don't think you should go " and not being prepared for a clash of frames from her objections.
So the call went like this, I said that i won't permit her from going because 1. I wasn't invited and she can't go, 2. i like my privacy with my girl and i didn't want my friends to be thinking too much about us if we came together 3. the host is bad influence and i gave her an example on what if i was on the opposite end of things being influenced to flirt with other girls and i suggest she could make a plan with her to meet her in a more appropriate setting to congratulate her birthday and catch up
she at first retorted that, she said she could just go alone and it wouldn't conflict with 2. and she would just hang out with her friends but i double downed on 3. and she accepted it after i painted an image of me being influenced by guys friends at the party, and asked me whats different between her exception of letting me to go to my mates party and not this one, i retorted it because i know my close friend well enough that they wouldn't try anything stupid like 'influencing' me to make 'bad decisions'
question: How would you guys responded to this circumstance with your girlfriend going to mutual friend party or your girl going to a co-ed party ? did i frame this right or was i too needy? how should have i done it
However, some drama flared up
We met soon after a few days and i slept over and had sex, and she felt irritated when she asked me what i did the few days prior meeting her and i answered hanging out with my mates and went to the casino. She said it was something small when i asked her why she was 'pissed' and i personally didn't like any stones upturned so i pursued it.
she felt irritated that i going out and i had fun( i went out with some mates) and i didn't tell her anything prior that i went to casino venue and it made it worst when she saw some of her friends on social media at the mutual friends birthday party that she wanted to catch up with.
then some where along the talk she was teary and emotional and she asked me if it was because i was doubting her that she would flirt with other people, at the party which decided my decision of saying no, and calling out my justification for not letting her go as 'ridiculous' as she isn't that type of person to do these things and she would stay by her friends side and not talk to anyone because it was co-ed( she made an exception for me) and questioned me whether because of her or was it because of the influences at the party.... I reassured her obviously and said the latter.
She said she really really wanted to go but at the end of the day she didn't and obliged with my desire of her not going, so she felt hurt when i went out with my friends and went to a gambling venue for shits and giggles and she didn't know anything about it until i told her and she thought i would make an exception for her to go as she did the same for me.
It did made me guilty knowing that i hurt her unintentionally.. question: so im asking what your guys thoughts on my decisions and how i could have done better.
At the end she cooled off after we finished by the end of the talk and she felt something is not right between us and she couldn't put a touch on it. she said it was communication like not telling her if im going out to do something that could be 'risky' for the stability of the relationship which is how i interpreted and wanted me to have the same curtsy like her informing me if she is going out to do something.
Post drama and sleepover, we had sex and we moved on after it, additionally there wasn't any irregular behavior on her end and she is always keen and horny to meet up this week.
Question: is this the right diagnosis?
I think it had to do with attainability when she brought up "communication" but these days i feel like im making the jump on this conclusion obviously there is some attainability issue in the past like lack of communication which is an ongoing process because im pretty spontaneous when going out with friends and i forget to tell her if im doing something "risky" behaviors (that bring instability to the relationship ). For example she would give me the curtsy to tell me if she is hanging out with her friends to do xyz or she would tell me in advance what her plans are likely to be whereas i just do it and tell her later when it has already happened. Is this shit normal or nah?
Although I do feel something is off or maybe im just new and overthinking it. I'm not sure how should i interpret this drama is there something im not getting here or have i handled it the right way? im not sure if im screwing with my frame here but it doesn't sit right with me at the moment.
So i hope you guys can help with this matter
side notes:
Question: im a little conflicted with https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/25-maxims-on-relationships.25187/ rule #3 keep flirting with other women, i know my question sounds silly but this would contradict my boundaries would it not and should i take it seriously? am i suppose to flirt with every girl infront of her lmao, like how is this done propery
question: when establishing boundaries, I expect her to uphold it(otherwise there will be punishments) and she does but i feel like the boundaries are self inflicting because the boundaries are "equal", for example if you trespass these boundaries I'll do the same sorta expectations(is this the right way to set boundaries, where the boundaries apply to yourself?) . I want to be free from these sorta "restrictions" or is it a necessary component for the relationship to work because i wanted to entertain the idea of a one sided relationship eventually maybe not with this chick but perhaps in the future where im free to do whatever while she is expected to uphold my rules you get me.
random note :
speaking of on this topic matter of parties , i recall a friend allegedly broke up with his girl whom attended to a party without him knowing and danced with another dude.. it was some messy drama and she was allegedly "talking" with another guy(potentially same guy) on social media . I can't say what was completely true but i feel like it impacted my decision on saying no at the end of the day on a subconscious level.
I apologies for the really,really long post fellas,
very much appreciated
Nicko
