"Break up" went COMPLETELY wrong. How do I do it right this 2nd time?

[Big Daddy]

Long story short: been with a girl in something between casual and serious relationship (tending to serious), no longer have desire to being exclusive to her because I want to fuck random girls for now since I don't want anything to hinder my progress. I don't feel comfortable yet to settle and confident that I'm capable of handling things in long-term. BUT, she is in fact an incredible girl and I don't want to hurt her because:

1) I like her and would hate to see her getting hurt
2) I don't want to settle because I wouldn't be capable of fulfill her needs and desires even if I wanted. I still have a long to go regarding social skills. But there's no need to burn the bridge and lose a friend, who knows what might happen in the future.

The problem is, we're very, very similar to each other, our tastes and thoughts and ideals. And that is something that she values a lot and says she'll never find someone who understands her as much as I do, even though she gets approached by guys on a fairly regular basis.

So I followed exactly what Chase outlined in How to break up with a girl. He even has a model for guys who want to break up to meet other girls, which I promptly learned and put it into practice.

He wrote that this would happen after you delivered your line:

Her response is either going to be:

"Then I guess we should break up",
"So what are you saying we should do?", or
"It's fine; I love you. I just don't want to know."

Her reaction was none of these. She said that no, I didn't care about her (I made sure to reassure that I care about her before saying that I wanted to part ways) and started crying [note: she gets emotional very easily], saying that she doesn't want it to end, and I would hurt her as much as someone could if I left (I wanted to leave now before she gets even more invested).

Guys, I don't know about you, but seeing a woman in tears rips my soul apart (specially if it's because of me). So after she said some of the cutest thing ever and promised that she'll try as hard as she could to make me don't want to leave and that she wanted me nearby (I was certain that she almost see herself as my gf at this point), I gave her a chance... but I already know it won't work because the problem isn't her.

I still suck when it comes to seducing woman. It might seem that I got my fundamentals handled given her reaction to me leaving, but no, I'm certain that I'm plainly replaceable in my current state. And I don't want to be. So I want to go out there and meet woman and get better and post FRs alongside Anatman, NJ, Richard and all of you guys who are also on your way to the top. I want to get serious about this shit, and I have to scuttle my ships and get rid of every comfortable option I have to do so. I can't contain it, and I don't want to contain it. (Shit, I'm not comfortable going out alone to nightclubs and approach groups of woman or good at creating sexual tension or touching woman and many other things that I want to master.)

So I'm certain that will come the time that I'll have to go through this "breakup" again. How do I do it in the least painful way possible?

 

[Franco]

BD,

Most of a girl's reaction to you breaking up with her is going to depend on her experience and her level of investment in you. Inexperienced girls who are head over heels for you are going to hit the ground the hardest because they aren't used to the process of breaking up with guys they really care about, and no matter what you do, there will be a significant level of hurt (on both sides).

The example you gave from Chase's probable responses from women sounds like things you might hear from a very experienced and/or independent woman. The one thing you need to keep in mind here is not necessarily what happens as you tell her that you're wanting to break up but what happens after you two break up. While she might say a bunch of painful things to hear right that second and be drenched in her own tears, she's extremely likely to remember you as a really positive guy in her life after she gets past the initial recoil of it. Within a week or two, things might be much better and she'll remember that you broke up with her in the best way you possibly could.

Occasionally, some girls are just so invested in you that they have to cut themselves off completely in order to cope with the breakup, and there's really not much you can do about that. But under most circumstances, she will probably remain in contact with you (and probably hope you two will get back together) if she remembers you as a positive part of her life.

Anyway, if you feel there is more room for improvement for you and that this girl isn't up to the caliber of girl that you know you can get with more hard work, then I think you made the right decision to cut things off. It's never easy to watch a girl you care about be hurt, but there's really no other way around it. It's not fair to you if you aren't happy with the situation, and you ultimately need to worry about your own happiness first, just like she will be worrying about her own happiness first as well. If it makes you feel better, girls usually have it much easier moving on from guys after an extended period of time because they will eventually meet some new guy that will take care of them. The more attractive she is, the faster it is likely to happen.

- Franco

 

[Big Daddy]

Franco,

Great to hear external thoughts on this matter.

Inexperienced girls who are head over heels for you are going to hit the ground the hardest because they aren't used to the process of breaking up with guys they really care about, and no matter what you do, there will be a significant level of hurt (on both sides).

I just needed some reassurance that this is case. I haven't found an easy way out from this situation and I think I'll just have to accept this and get over it.

The one thing you need to keep in mind here is not necessarily what happens as you tell her that you're wanting to break up but what happens after you two break up. While she might say a bunch of painful things to hear right that second and be drenched in her own tears, she's extremely likely to remember you as a really positive guy in her life after she gets past the initial recoil of it. Within a week or two, things might be much better and she'll remember that you broke up with her in the best way you possibly could.

Check. That's what I want.

Anyway, if you feel there is more room for improvement for you and that this girl isn't up to the caliber of girl that you know you can get with more hard work, then I think you made the right decision to cut things off. It's never easy to watch a girl you care about be hurt, but there's really no other way around it. It's not fair to you if you aren't happy with the situation, and you ultimately need to worry about your own happiness first, just like she will be worrying about her own happiness first as well.

Thanks for your support, man. I'm sure that I have a long way to go on this path, but it's something that I can't imagine myself not doing. I don't want to settle just yet. I'll give it a time and end things for good. In the meanwhile, I'll start cold approaching and talking to girls, before turning this into hardcore mode. It's about time