Building quality social life after college, MeetUp SUCKS! Options?

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

So I have been trying to do some Meetup events and have done about 5 or 6 so far, they have all sucked. The themes have been one oriented towards 20 and 30 somethings, a couple for new arrivals in the city, and one for new young professionals.

Quite frankly, MeetUp has sucked because I keep running into the same sorts of people at these events.

1. Weird creepy older dudes, like past 40, usually come with a divorce or have a family already.

2. Older women, single moms, divorced women, and housewives.

3. As for the few younger people I run into in the 20s and 30s crowd, where do I even begin, I am talking hardcore gamer types with bad hygiene (do these people even shower?), grossly overweight people, LARPer types, and the kind I would not want to actually associate with let alone the kinds of people you wouldn't want to introduce to girls. The girls themselves were never good looking but it was thirsty older guys and some others trying to get them.

MeetUp has not worked well for me at all, it is me either running into people way older than me or running into low quality people around my age.

I get it too.

Why would people who already have a great social life after college even need MeetUp? They already have many other options from college friends to other social connections to get them hooked into a nice social circle where you will find naturals, cool guys, hot girls, and people who are a part of that sort of a crowd.

The problem for guys like me is, how do you even get an "in" with those social circles or start to even build a quality one of your own?

 

[foggy]

Have a read here:

viewtopic.php?f=4&t=4671

 

[uForia]

Wow I might have just made this thread myself since I'm experiencing much of the same thing. Except I didn't do the generalized events, rather went to meetups of specific topics like board games, kayaking, cycling in hopes to find a new hobby. Haven't been successful at anything so far. I thought something was wrong with me but glad to hear I'm not the only one. What city are you doing this in?

 

[Sandman]

I don't have much of a social circle anymore but it's easy if you want one. Just take a class you're interested in like salsa. As long as you're cool with people and say hi to them, be social in general they'll invite you to stuff (some friends are gonna grab a beer, you wanna come?).

So it looks like this

1) Take up a social hobby (you like)
2) Be friendly
3) Be cool

To be honest though I think it's much better to focus on cold approach and being social in general. Social circle takes too much time and energy and it's not worth it unless it's a super good social circle which brings tons of benefit to your life.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

I am so spent, it is like a wasted effort on social life, gah!

 

[Drck]

Honestly, I never got to the point of "having a great social life". To me it's just superficial, you see people having "fun", screening and yelling, doing stupid things occasionally, talking hours nonsense about really nothing, talking about their cool life, and laugh about nothing... I listen 5 minutes of their great stories and I'm fed up... You get drunk, ok, great, but then you feel like a crap for the next 3 days... What's the point? I roll my eyes and walk away, it's just so primitive....

Some people like it, and nothing against it, but IMO if it doesn't do anything for you simply find something else... it's like watching children having amazing fun, in the mud...

 

[Inbocca]

Not a big fan of Meetup events either - mostly 30s and up, or people in their late 20s who don't know how to meet people any other way.

But one good thing I've gotten from it is how easy it is to meet new people. When you go to an event, you're still walking through the door not knowing anyone. You've got to walk up to a total group of strangers and ask "Is this the meetup group?" Within a few minutes, you realize even without the social justification for being there, they probably would have been cool if they were a random group and you came up and introduced yourself.

Meetup is still pretty cool for finding groups with certain things in common (hiking groups, hobbyists, foreign language speakers, etc.) but I mostly use it to figure out what's happening around. Usually multiple groups will host their own events for a bigger event in the area, like a festival or a holiday bar crawl, and you can figure out where a lot of people will be. Then you just show up and start talking to people.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

I realize that I am depressed because I don't really feel like I am a part of anything or any big group. In college this was a chronic issue for me as I always felt left out because of it so now in my 20s I chase that which is the equivalent of belonging to a big group but I have been having a tough time. Anyways, I will be putting myself out there more and more in the coming weeks to give all of this a chance, really connect with my fellow 20 somethings and those in the same phase of life as I am, hopefully it all sprinkles down into something.

I really really feel like I missed out on something big in college.

 

[Hue]

Altair,

You don't need to be a "member" or a "part" of a big group to have a quality social life.

Sure, there was the whole fraternity scene a lot of people do that with in college. But, unless you're a part of that, you don't see what's actually going on in there, you only see the masked shell from the outside, which is, as Drck described, basically just a bunch of screaming and yelling with smiles on peoples faces. IT'S AN ILLUSION.

I'm not a member of any fraternity at my current school, yet I can go to different fraternity parties when I want to.

Here's what I find:
1). There are little cliques within the big groups (the collective is divided)
2). Many members of social organizations like this dislike their fellow members
3). Many members of social organizations like this fail to capitalize on the fruits their membership offers them

These findings aren't exclusive to fraternities either. I know multiple smaller groups of friends (5-15 "members") where only a few guys are really "living the lives" the mask of their scene conveys. Important to note, groups of friends like this often exist separate from college - most are work related or club related. (example: I know a band where only the drummer and lead guitar get pussy or have their own networks while the bass player is shy and somewhat socially inept)


I have about 3 people that I would consider my best friends - people I have quality, strong connections with.

We all live pretty different lives, with our own networks, and our own aspirations.


Point being: You can have a high quality social life no matter of your group affiliation, you just have to learn how to network.

Will a group membership of something help you out? Absolutely! Try and find a local organization who's direction/passion you identify with!

But, it's important to acknowledge that strong, quality relationships between a few people are much more satisfying and meaningful than the 30+ connections people get from a group membership. Even if the group is centered around a mutual passion, people are just too complex to have a truly unified, homogenous collective.

The place you make for yourself in that group is a product of who you've individually made a solid connection with (and what you've succeeded in doing to add value to that group).
One person at a time.


How do you network?

A member of my family used to be in politics. During his time at his small school, he joined EVERY club, shook hands with EVERY person, and was very good with names. I'd go ahead and say that's a bit extreme, and somewhat counter-intuitive. Nonetheless, people knew who he was because of the extreme effort he put forth. After college, he kept it up by looking into community events, fundraisers, performances, and even just walking into businesses and getting to know the employees / owners.

But he didn't network for the sake of networking, he had a goal in mind: to be elected for a position he desired.


By having a goal in mind with your networking, things tend to solve themselves given your drive is immense.

So if I may, I'd recommend you fixate your attention to a realistic, external goal, and allow networking to be a major component on how you get there. By doing that, the social life / social scene creates itself. Hopefully the meaningful connections follow that, when you find that you really fuck with someone, and a person or two that walk the way you walk.

I'd recommend checking out this article, too: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/245995


Keep ya head up. (;


Hueman

 

[Drck]

Altair: I realize that I am depressed because I don't really feel like I am a part of anything or any big group.

I know what you are saying, I was part of couple groups when I was in my teens... It was great, it fell natural, it was virtually effortless...

There are groups that you can consider. Let's divide them into two parts, destructive and constructive groups:

(1) Destructive are gangs, losers who hang around without purpose of life, guys who just drink, use drugs and party... People with no motivation to do anything better with their lives... Is it a group? Sure, but how much do you really gain for yourself with negative and destructive mindset? Zero. 10-20 years from now you'll feel more miserable than today...

(2) Constructive groups are different. I would recommend to join some sport for multiple reasons: it's healthy, people in these groups are usually motivated, you develop masculinity and so forth.

Do martial arts if you can, build your name by hard work, persistence and dedication... Nobody will most likely notice you for couple months, but once you put dedication and real effort in it people will notice. You don't have to become Bruce Lee, but being good and dominate local group of martial artist is a great feeling. It will give you natural confidence. Work hard till you get a black belt and till you gain respect, at least locally. How long does it take, 3 years? 5 or 10? And who cares? It is not about time, it's not about color of belt....it is more about philosophy, lifestyle... The philosophy of warrior, fighter and conqueror will stay with you for the rest of your life...

Couple years from now you will be in excellent condition, strong and healthy, confident, able to take down physically more than 90% of guys out there... That's a great feeling... You will have friends who will respect you... You can only gain, there is nothing to lose in martial arts... Me and my friends used to work out hard, we used fight couple times a week, we fought and practiced every weekend in woods - and then, here and there went for beer, get drunk, discuss philosophy, discuss life... I actually had a great looking blond GF at that time, exactly the one that many guys dream about here, without even trying (also lost her by being Beta, LOL)... But forget women, that was honestly the best time of my life...

Or other sports where you meet people naturally...

I would also suggest to consider military for any young guys, especially those who feel lost, without purpose, without fatherly figure in their life.... It is not for everyone honestly, but you will be taking care of. I know a bunch of guys, and they love it, some stayed in over 30 years, and claim they enjoyed every single day... They have bunch of friends, good families, children... You get good benefits from gov, retirement after some 20 years... Women also love military guys, don't believe me, look it up yourself... I can't of course say personally because I never signed up, but if I were 20 years old again I would strongly consider to join...

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Not doing military since I have a nice job right now but my focus is more on quantity than quality right now.

I rather have club friends, bar friends, and social proof type of social life. I would rather have friends I can party with, occasionally chill with, have as followers on social media, and then carry on with my life. I am not looking for deep friendships as much as I am looking for a big social circle, a lot of friends, and something of that kind of a nature.

Definitely going to check out martial arts.