There are different theories on how to better argue and come with win-win results.
Two I am never really too sure about are: Carnegie style of understanding the other or pacing their reality to match their tone?
In this brief example, I am referring to dealing with a woman in her 60's who is passive aggressive, very emotional and of quick temper.
BACKGROUND
I had to collect the deposit from this woman who was landlord of a place I had been living in.
I expected her not to be too happy with me but overall I would say it was alright between us.
CARNEGIE STYLE
I approached the conversation expecting complaints and resistance to give back the full deposit.
I told myself I was gonna do it the Carnegie style: listen and comprehend her point of view and reach a peaceful win-win conclusion.
POOR RESULTS RIGHT OFF THE BAT
My listen and understand approach brought a wall of complaints, most of them never discussed before.
I kept listening trying to think it must have been awful for her subletting to a younger guy with very different needs and lifestyle and indeed... I could understand that.
RESULTS FOR HER
She got into a "get it all out of the system mode", and she also gets personal saying things like I had "Peter Pan personality".
RESULTS FOR ME
Deep down it felt like I was being treated super unfair to receiving this massive dose of post-fact complaints and that I was being too unreactive in front of way too harsh (personal) criticism.
FINAL RESULT: SHOUTING AND DISASTER
When I said I wasn't gonna giver her back the keys until I received the deposit she went ballistic emotional like she often did.
She screamed to leave or she would call the police.
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE BETTER?
I think the Carnegie style made me too much of a "punching bag" in her eyes and brought to the surface all the issues which we had now no time to fix and/or soothe.
And I felt weaker as things kept piling on.
And maybe that emboldened her to feel and act self-righteously ("I don't owe you any money").
YOUR THOUGHTS ON CARNEGIE
What do you think?
Is Carnegie style the wrong approach with people who:
1. Are harshly criticizing you, as that makes you a punching bag;
2. Are very prone to emotional outbursts, as just listening and understanding make you look weak?
Two I am never really too sure about are: Carnegie style of understanding the other or pacing their reality to match their tone?
In this brief example, I am referring to dealing with a woman in her 60's who is passive aggressive, very emotional and of quick temper.
BACKGROUND
I had to collect the deposit from this woman who was landlord of a place I had been living in.
I expected her not to be too happy with me but overall I would say it was alright between us.
CARNEGIE STYLE
I approached the conversation expecting complaints and resistance to give back the full deposit.
I told myself I was gonna do it the Carnegie style: listen and comprehend her point of view and reach a peaceful win-win conclusion.
POOR RESULTS RIGHT OFF THE BAT
My listen and understand approach brought a wall of complaints, most of them never discussed before.
I kept listening trying to think it must have been awful for her subletting to a younger guy with very different needs and lifestyle and indeed... I could understand that.
RESULTS FOR HER
She got into a "get it all out of the system mode", and she also gets personal saying things like I had "Peter Pan personality".
RESULTS FOR ME
Deep down it felt like I was being treated super unfair to receiving this massive dose of post-fact complaints and that I was being too unreactive in front of way too harsh (personal) criticism.
FINAL RESULT: SHOUTING AND DISASTER
When I said I wasn't gonna giver her back the keys until I received the deposit she went ballistic emotional like she often did.
She screamed to leave or she would call the police.
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE BETTER?
I think the Carnegie style made me too much of a "punching bag" in her eyes and brought to the surface all the issues which we had now no time to fix and/or soothe.
And I felt weaker as things kept piling on.
And maybe that emboldened her to feel and act self-righteously ("I don't owe you any money").
YOUR THOUGHTS ON CARNEGIE
What do you think?
Is Carnegie style the wrong approach with people who:
1. Are harshly criticizing you, as that makes you a punching bag;
2. Are very prone to emotional outbursts, as just listening and understanding make you look weak?
