So over the last few days, I've been listening to the No More Mr. Nice Guy audiobook. It fucked me up.
I had a real shitty childhood, since my mother is a mentally-ill abusive narcissist, and I grew up with no father. Beyond the abuse, and the lies, I was gaslit beyond comprehension. She would instigate fights then call the cops, call up the school psychologist to get 5150 holds on me, and lie to her parents that I was the cause of her mental problems. She even lied to me and told me my dad was dead as a kid, even though he was just one state over.
Perhaps this makes it sound like I was a thuggy problem child to justify such behaviors, getting into fights, doing drugs-- right? Nope. I was a quiet nerd. Since she is psychotic, she projected her own never-ending chaos onto me. My top 3 hobbies were: day-trading, drawing, and Legos.
What kills me is: I was born with a pristine and sensitive brain, I've never scored below 150 on an IQ test, and I've never gotten below the 99th percentile on any standardized test. Despite knowing I had that potential, that wretch still did her best to break my brain.
It all had an impact. Ever since adolescence I've contended with suicidal depression, which has finally let up over the last 3 years. Just now at 28 I'm finally finishing college.
She threw away all of my old journals. Wish I still had those.
So the audiobook dredged up some of the poison of the past, the old resentments, and, worst of all, an intense jealousy of others with happy childhoods. For days on end I walked around feeling like I'm full of hot tar and poison, demonically possessed by all the resentment, anger, and hate in the world.
I imagined that I would live out the rest of my days like that, alternating between a restless stupor and hateful quasi-possession, in the style of the dude from
Notes from the Underground.
But then a new thought occurred to me: what if I could sweep up everything that has happened to me, sweep all that old energy into a new goal, build a new awesome CCIF despite everything that had happened. What if I can make that goal to overcome myself into a vision, and invest all my energy and vigor into it?
Nietzsche aided me: "“And so, onwards... along a path of wisdom, with a hearty tread, a hearty confidence.. however you may be, be your own source of experience. Throw off your discontent about your nature. Forgive yourself your own self. You have it in your power to merge everything you have lived through- false starts, errors, delusions, passions, your loves and your hopes- into your goal, with nothing left over.”
Also: "...throw roses into the abyss and say: 'here is my thanks to the monster who didn't succeed in swallowing me alive.'"
So I have regained my footing. To that effect, I bought these boots:
https://www.us.allsaints.com/men/footwear/allsaints-decoy-boot/.
I read once that shoes, psychologically, represent a person's standpoint. Even now, wearing these motherfuckers with no socks in my underwear, I feel solid, like a badass who can handle anything.
I recommend cashing out on All Saints boots to any dude reading this who wants to gain solidity.
There will be less KJing in this journal from now on, more action. Here's to a path ahead.
