Hi guys, I just wanted to thank Chase in particular for his article on Elliot Rodger (https://www.girlschase.com/content/why-e ... nd-himself).
Chase helped me finally identify the source of 99% of my problems… that they have to do with not relating to people, that is. I used to think that my depression and anxiety were the source of my issues, but they’re not. They’re just the symptoms. My problems are the result of my refusal to relate.
Now, my story is pretty weird, embarrassing and surreal, but I’d like to share it here anyway. It mostly focuses on my experience at my last job where I worked at for a year and a half. I’m a pretty young guy by the way – 25 next month – and I was just working there part time when I was in college, and when I dropped out of college, I worked full time for several months. I quit just over two months ago.
On to the main point – pretty much every day when I entered the shop, I was in what I call “funny mode”. I would crack jokes constantly and relentlessly. I joked for me, not for them, and I guess that was the problem. I really didn’t care about them at all.
I would praise the coworkers who I knew were unpopular (of course, when those coworkers were not present). I would say that the fat Filipino guy no one liked was “worldly” and “insightful” and had “Far East wisdom”.
One thing I had to learn the hard way, by the way, is that people don’t remember the specific jokes. All they remember is that you like the guy they don’t like. And that bothers them.
The thing is though, I never even bothered to tell people I was joking/teasing! And somehow, despite the daily signs from how people reacted that they thought I was serious, I didn’t pick them up, and they didn’t really register with me, and I just kept doing what I was doing.
It’s like the part of my brain that had to do with empathizing with people and putting myself in their shoes was completely turned off.
Because in my mind, I knew I was joking and I knew I was having a good time, and that’s all that mattered. I never bothered to open my eyes and see how the person on the other end felt about it. It’s like I expected the other person to read my mind.
My mind was focused only on the fun I was creating for myself. I pretty much glossed over everything else.
The teasing went way beyond just praising unpopular coworkers, though. I would start arguments about things I didn’t care all that much about. I would play the devil’s advocate and assume the position of an extreme Democrat (I’m actually a moderate), for instance, just to piss off my supervisor, who was pretty conservative. I would argue pointless nonsense about weird, super “out there” dieting and weightlifting techniques, and I would make up stories or exaggerate real stories about my past for comic effect (most of which did not paint me in a positive light, by the way).
Honest to god, I really thought I was giving people a good time. I thought I was entertaining them. I was so clueless.
There was one person in particular who I liked to bother, I guess because he had a shorter fuse. I would say the craziest possible things just to get a rise out of him, and I expected nothing to result from that. It was like he was a puppet and not a person. What I couldn’t understand that it would come back to haunt me, because he’d think I’m stupid.
I definitely didn’t intend to come across as stupid, of course. I wanted people to me as funny, weird, different and interesting, or at the very worst annoying. But not stupid.
Because I didn’t see anything I said as stupid. Just funny.
What I didn’t understand was that every time I made a joke, I was making myself out to be a bigger and bigger idiot. But I was so self-absorbed that I just couldn’t see that. It’s actually really painful… and it’s all my fault.
Because people don’t expect someone to be joking all the time. I mean, if I don’t expect it of someone else, why would they expect it of me?
But I didn’t see things that way. I was extremely shy in high school and I guess I just wanted an excuse to come out my shell. Joking around all the time relaxed me and helped me do that. I wanted to be uninhibited, and this sort of behavior allowed me to.
There were plenty of red flags regarding how seriously people were taking me, by the way.
I would say that the biggest, and in hindsight, most embarrassing, red flag came when one of my more educated coworkers, who only worked with us for a few months, asked me in front of everyone, “Jesse, are you for real?”
Goddamn it, I really wish I could go back and be honest with him. But he put me on the spot, and besides, I didn’t really understand what he meant by “for real”, anyway. If he just said “serious” that might have helped.
Anyway, I shrugged off the question and said “Yeah, of course” which just caused more people to laugh at me and not with me, as I’d later realize. Ugh.
It took me an extremely long time to wise up. What I really needed was a wakeup call.
I went through a difficult time because eventually, I was able to understand that people didn’t respect me, and I didn’t know why. To me, the jokes were just that – jokes. They were no big deal.
Around December of last year (2013) I found out about this site. I started reading the articles, as I’ve long struggled with girls (also being due to my refusal to relate).
So for a while, I thought the problems with the lack of respect at work might be due to my lack of fundamentals. God, I was clueless.
I tried fixing my posture. My walk, too. I went out and bought a whole bunch of new clothes. They were nice, yeah, but they didn’t help.
Finally, it started to dawn on me that maybe, just maybe, the jokes were the issue. I had just become so detached from other peoples’ realities that I couldn’t see that.
What really woke me up was when the guy with the short fuse told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I asked ‘why not?” and he said, ‘Because you’re a fucking idiot.” Ouch.
But I deserved it. I bothered him too much.
It still hurts, though.
It took a year and a half for someone to tell that to me to my face, because people were too polite, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to be FORCED to see the other side, since I refused to empathize.
I knew I had to leave. By that point I’d dropped out of college already, so I didn’t see the point in continuing to work there. I needed a better job anyway.
I started applying for new driving jobs (I was a delivery driver).
But the process was slow, and now that I knew what the problem was, I was extremely embarrassed, and every day at the shop was painful. I wanted to come out about my behavior but I didn’t know how. I was locked into “funny mode” and I was too scared to be real.
What I really should’ve been afraid of, of couse, was that fear itself. Yup, like the FDR quote. Because fear was derailing my life.
I found that once I finally started opening my eyes to the possibility that people thought I was serious, I was terrified. I started noticing, for the first time, that I was the only one laughing at my jokes. (Since I was always joking, I was always smiling and laughing, so people must’ve zoned it out.)
No one else was laughing. They were all stone-faced.
It was like I was living in a nightmare I’d created for myself…which is the worst kind. I had to get out.
Soon enough, I found out about the Elliot Rodger shooting. I didn’t know what to make of it. Despite his sickening crime, I felt pretty bad for Elliot. I knew what he was going through. What I really needed was an article from Chase, though.
When I read Chase’s article, everything seemed to start to fall into place. I realized that in many ways, Elliot and I were one and the same. Ok, so I didn’t go around shooting people, but our attitudes about in life in general were very similar.
Two sentences from Chase’s article stood out to me especially. “Everyone else is suffering. They’re all confused and unsure.”
It’s something I never bothered considering, but now that I’ve started to, I see other people as potential friends and not enemies. All of a sudden, the world is a much friendlier and more inviting place.
Once you start seeing people as being “just like you” in a sense, you become much less afraid of being normal around them. And you get a lot less fleeting joy from bothering them, too.
In any case, the exact same day I read Chase’s article on Elliot, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. So I took the initiative to go on craigslist and look for some new driving positions and reply to some ads.
The next day, I got a phone call from a potential employer.
That same week, I got the job. It was incredible.
And I know what I want to do with my life now. I want to go back to college and I want to write jokes.
Oh, and I want to get good with girls too.
Thanks guys!
-Jesse
Chase helped me finally identify the source of 99% of my problems… that they have to do with not relating to people, that is. I used to think that my depression and anxiety were the source of my issues, but they’re not. They’re just the symptoms. My problems are the result of my refusal to relate.
Now, my story is pretty weird, embarrassing and surreal, but I’d like to share it here anyway. It mostly focuses on my experience at my last job where I worked at for a year and a half. I’m a pretty young guy by the way – 25 next month – and I was just working there part time when I was in college, and when I dropped out of college, I worked full time for several months. I quit just over two months ago.
On to the main point – pretty much every day when I entered the shop, I was in what I call “funny mode”. I would crack jokes constantly and relentlessly. I joked for me, not for them, and I guess that was the problem. I really didn’t care about them at all.
I would praise the coworkers who I knew were unpopular (of course, when those coworkers were not present). I would say that the fat Filipino guy no one liked was “worldly” and “insightful” and had “Far East wisdom”.
One thing I had to learn the hard way, by the way, is that people don’t remember the specific jokes. All they remember is that you like the guy they don’t like. And that bothers them.
The thing is though, I never even bothered to tell people I was joking/teasing! And somehow, despite the daily signs from how people reacted that they thought I was serious, I didn’t pick them up, and they didn’t really register with me, and I just kept doing what I was doing.
It’s like the part of my brain that had to do with empathizing with people and putting myself in their shoes was completely turned off.
Because in my mind, I knew I was joking and I knew I was having a good time, and that’s all that mattered. I never bothered to open my eyes and see how the person on the other end felt about it. It’s like I expected the other person to read my mind.
My mind was focused only on the fun I was creating for myself. I pretty much glossed over everything else.
The teasing went way beyond just praising unpopular coworkers, though. I would start arguments about things I didn’t care all that much about. I would play the devil’s advocate and assume the position of an extreme Democrat (I’m actually a moderate), for instance, just to piss off my supervisor, who was pretty conservative. I would argue pointless nonsense about weird, super “out there” dieting and weightlifting techniques, and I would make up stories or exaggerate real stories about my past for comic effect (most of which did not paint me in a positive light, by the way).
Honest to god, I really thought I was giving people a good time. I thought I was entertaining them. I was so clueless.
There was one person in particular who I liked to bother, I guess because he had a shorter fuse. I would say the craziest possible things just to get a rise out of him, and I expected nothing to result from that. It was like he was a puppet and not a person. What I couldn’t understand that it would come back to haunt me, because he’d think I’m stupid.
I definitely didn’t intend to come across as stupid, of course. I wanted people to me as funny, weird, different and interesting, or at the very worst annoying. But not stupid.
Because I didn’t see anything I said as stupid. Just funny.
What I didn’t understand was that every time I made a joke, I was making myself out to be a bigger and bigger idiot. But I was so self-absorbed that I just couldn’t see that. It’s actually really painful… and it’s all my fault.
Because people don’t expect someone to be joking all the time. I mean, if I don’t expect it of someone else, why would they expect it of me?
But I didn’t see things that way. I was extremely shy in high school and I guess I just wanted an excuse to come out my shell. Joking around all the time relaxed me and helped me do that. I wanted to be uninhibited, and this sort of behavior allowed me to.
There were plenty of red flags regarding how seriously people were taking me, by the way.
I would say that the biggest, and in hindsight, most embarrassing, red flag came when one of my more educated coworkers, who only worked with us for a few months, asked me in front of everyone, “Jesse, are you for real?”
Goddamn it, I really wish I could go back and be honest with him. But he put me on the spot, and besides, I didn’t really understand what he meant by “for real”, anyway. If he just said “serious” that might have helped.
Anyway, I shrugged off the question and said “Yeah, of course” which just caused more people to laugh at me and not with me, as I’d later realize. Ugh.
It took me an extremely long time to wise up. What I really needed was a wakeup call.
I went through a difficult time because eventually, I was able to understand that people didn’t respect me, and I didn’t know why. To me, the jokes were just that – jokes. They were no big deal.
Around December of last year (2013) I found out about this site. I started reading the articles, as I’ve long struggled with girls (also being due to my refusal to relate).
So for a while, I thought the problems with the lack of respect at work might be due to my lack of fundamentals. God, I was clueless.
I tried fixing my posture. My walk, too. I went out and bought a whole bunch of new clothes. They were nice, yeah, but they didn’t help.
Finally, it started to dawn on me that maybe, just maybe, the jokes were the issue. I had just become so detached from other peoples’ realities that I couldn’t see that.
What really woke me up was when the guy with the short fuse told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I asked ‘why not?” and he said, ‘Because you’re a fucking idiot.” Ouch.
But I deserved it. I bothered him too much.
It still hurts, though.
It took a year and a half for someone to tell that to me to my face, because people were too polite, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to be FORCED to see the other side, since I refused to empathize.
I knew I had to leave. By that point I’d dropped out of college already, so I didn’t see the point in continuing to work there. I needed a better job anyway.
I started applying for new driving jobs (I was a delivery driver).
But the process was slow, and now that I knew what the problem was, I was extremely embarrassed, and every day at the shop was painful. I wanted to come out about my behavior but I didn’t know how. I was locked into “funny mode” and I was too scared to be real.
What I really should’ve been afraid of, of couse, was that fear itself. Yup, like the FDR quote. Because fear was derailing my life.
I found that once I finally started opening my eyes to the possibility that people thought I was serious, I was terrified. I started noticing, for the first time, that I was the only one laughing at my jokes. (Since I was always joking, I was always smiling and laughing, so people must’ve zoned it out.)
No one else was laughing. They were all stone-faced.
It was like I was living in a nightmare I’d created for myself…which is the worst kind. I had to get out.
Soon enough, I found out about the Elliot Rodger shooting. I didn’t know what to make of it. Despite his sickening crime, I felt pretty bad for Elliot. I knew what he was going through. What I really needed was an article from Chase, though.
When I read Chase’s article, everything seemed to start to fall into place. I realized that in many ways, Elliot and I were one and the same. Ok, so I didn’t go around shooting people, but our attitudes about in life in general were very similar.
Two sentences from Chase’s article stood out to me especially. “Everyone else is suffering. They’re all confused and unsure.”
It’s something I never bothered considering, but now that I’ve started to, I see other people as potential friends and not enemies. All of a sudden, the world is a much friendlier and more inviting place.
Once you start seeing people as being “just like you” in a sense, you become much less afraid of being normal around them. And you get a lot less fleeting joy from bothering them, too.
In any case, the exact same day I read Chase’s article on Elliot, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. So I took the initiative to go on craigslist and look for some new driving positions and reply to some ads.
The next day, I got a phone call from a potential employer.
That same week, I got the job. It was incredible.
And I know what I want to do with my life now. I want to go back to college and I want to write jokes.
Oh, and I want to get good with girls too.
Thanks guys!
-Jesse
