Comforting women

[Danutzz]

Hello guys. I'm new registered to the gc board, although I've been following the site, board and Chase's mastery package for a solid 4-6 months. A little bit about myself, to understand my situation: I'm 16 years old and a highschool junior. Most of my approaches are social circle and social sites (facebook, instagram) mainly because I'm too young to go at nightclubs with 20 old chicks (but wouldn't that be awesome haha). So, rather than same-day lays (excepting for parties), I tend to get my bang-bangs from a sexually aggresive boyfriend style. And with this comes that I have to combine the advices for being a sexual man who takes girls home with the advices for being an early boyfriend. I mean, girls of this age aren't really looking for sex (unfortunately ), and this is the dominant mentality here ( eastern europe). So, yeah .

I'd really appreciate an insight on this one, because I have a plateau for quite a month. I'm having trouble to connect with girls, and they are feeling that it's not "for real", rather a big tease. They tend to open up a little bit when I want to deep dive, but not really personal-don't-tell-nobody stuff. From looking at past interactions, I've come to believe this happens for two reasons :

1) I take too literaly the "if a girl doesn't ask you, you don't tell her" thing and she feels this gap between us, where I know lots more about her than she knows about me (remember that they are looking for a bodyfriend). What ends up, is that women don't feel comfortable, they don't ask me, and I don't tell them. Should I paint myself as colourful and relating to her important stuff more without her request? Maybe some intuitive ratios on talking about myself vs herself?

2) I've got this lack of warm and positive vibe with women. I mean, I don't judge them but neither build them up. I've seen that all the sociable guys from my highschool tend to build people up and have this light-positive vibe that just draws people in. Any ideas how to develop it?

3) Because all the spellbinding and "get quick af to rapport" stuff, I became too focused on it . I'm this serious dude that all he wants to do is have deep conversation on the wrong times, haha. Should I be having more light deep diving, more light conversation during dives and upping my playfulness? Or smth else that helps me take off this serious-guy-mask.

PS: I believe #3 tends to go hand-in-hand with #2 because positive, warm people tend to have lighter conversations.

Maybe I'm asking for too much for the first post, but I'd really really appreciate some advices on wichever one of the three problems, or if you think the reason is another one, sure, go on .

All of the best,
Dan.

 

[Sandman]

Really good question!

Rule of thumb is if they don't ask, you don't tell. The exception maybe telling a short story to relate to something the girl said.

If a girl tells you a lot about yourself and likes you she will often ask about you (though not always, I had some interactions where the girl did not ask any questions and it was fine). You can certainly go overboard with it as well, I remember I used to be so focused on being mysterious I wouldn't tell almost anything about myself and it would be (a bit) weird. Obviously you don't wanna do that but I don't think that's your problem.

You definetely wanna build her up. You can do it by two ways; first is compliments. Let's say she shared something important to her, she wants to become a comic book artist, you reward her for that. You can say something like "that's so cool! It's rare to see someone with a passion these days. How did you get into it?".

Second is inspiration. If we take the first example she tells you she wants to become a comic book artist but she thinks it's too hard without a definite guarantee of success. You get to tell her the things she can do to improve, you convince her that doing something she's passionate about and failing is better then being mediocre at whatever she doesn't like all that much. This one comes easy to me because I've always been into self improvement and had excited discussions with my friends regarding how they could achieve their dreams. Another thing is warm body language, Chase has an article on it, you can find it.

3 question, the simple answer is yes. You want to balance deep diving with light flirty conversation so the it doesn't get too heavy. Again look at the articles in the blog, there's a better guide than what I can write here at the moment.

Good luck

 

[Michal]

Hello,

Regarding #2) it really helps if you want other people to succeed and you realize that all those around you are just people. Meaning, you realize they have their hopes, dreams, struggles, issues, insecurities, good memories, bad memories and different experiences that you might have too if you were in their shoes and had similar life they have with the same background and environment they grew up in. So if they are not just faces to you, if you can empathize with people and put yourself in their shoes, you will not "other" them, view them to be very similar to you like if you were on a team of some kind and it will become natutal for you to wish them well because you wish yourself well.

3) just like mrre said, you want to mix it, it keeps the emotions in the flow and not stale. The structure can be like:

Banter -> question -> light tease -> banter -> deep dive -> flirting -> deep dive -> tease -> flirting -> question -> deep dive -> deep dive -> light remark -> deep dive -> deep dive -> deep dive -> playful remark -> question which is steers the convo to a slightly different topic but still connected to previous one -> banter -> flirting -> deep dive -> ... and so on
Point is:
1) if it starts to feel heavy, put some light comment in (flirting, banter, joke, teasing)
2) if it feels like you just joke around with no progress in rapport, ask questions, deep dive
Play around with this, with conversing in general and after you gather a lot of experiences, you will have a natural detector for this and be a smooth conversationalist

 

[Danutzz]

Hah, I've never thought about emphatizing with people that way. Really eye-opening to think in a way that when you tear others down, you tear yourself down. Also, like you said, wishing them good comes very natural.

Beautiful structure that you got there. The whole vibe of it is more lighter than heavier, right ?