Confessions from a man of many failures

[Akira Kurusu]

Hello, everyone! I'm new to these boards. I had joined this forum as a final cry to end my misery. I apologize in advance if this post is messy. I'm making it up as I go.

I just turned 25 and have been dealing with ages of hell trying to lock it down with women. I grew up an introvert while in school and had a lot of insecurities. Would stammer while speaking. I was pushed to focus on studying in my later years of high school and didn't really get around to meet a lot of gorgeous women. I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was 18, though she happened to be the most popular girl in highschool who everyone wanted to date. (she also happened to be a whole can of nightmares) Despite this, I happened to graduate from one of the most premier colleges in country with a prestigious degree. Sadly, said college had 1 girl for every 10 boys and my social circle was rather lacking. This forced me to get out of my comfort zone and try cold approaches on women. By this time, I had significantly turned around my introversion and speech. I won many debates and turned to be pretty influential by earning many positions of responsibilities. I was put in charge of hospitality for celebs during our festivals because of my strong conversation skills. It is here where I got in touch with a really attractive semi-celeb and we developed a romance (lemme call her Girl A to avoid confusion) . We somehow ended up as co-workers only for me to find out that she had been cheating with several other guys. By this time, she had also turned completely toxic and displayed sociopathic tendencies. Sad story is, at the same time I met this woman, another girl was really into me (lemme call her girl B). She just reached the national beauty pageant and kept texting me throughout it all. But I was more enamored with the girl A. ( I ended up on national TV once courting this girl) Soon, girl B too started ignoring me and got into a relationship with some dude. I decided to turn to Tinder and got a date. But, WOULD YOU BELIEVE that girl A landed on the same spot with another guy and wrecked my entire thing? I lost it and totally blew up at her, cutting all contact afterward. I was depressed for a while, but then I grew close to girl A's colleague (let's call her girl C). She'd always hang out at these EDM fests and was an in-crowd. I had no interest in that but decided to go when she invited me. But, I was a clumsy mess at the event and she withdrew into her own crowd. I, on the other hand, ended up with few folks who managed to spike my drink with MDMA and were touching me weird.

I was done at that point. Luckily, I got a break that let me switch profession into being a writer (something I've wanted to do since I was a child). I worked for the top most agencies. I also decided to change my physical appearance. Bought some really fashionable clothes. Hired myself a personal trainer. I was highly motivated and it showed. I got peak athletic form in 4 months. With a slick back hairstyle, I was ready to hit the bars and pick up women. But, I got cold feet. It wasn't until a girl herself asked me to dance out of nowhere at a bar, I realised that there was still something left in me. We exchanged numbers, but she flaked on me. I was frustrated. But, I got another chance with another girl at another bar and this time I straight up made out with her. We exchanged numbers. She flaked. I was frustrated. Third time I was giving a drama audition which failed and I was low on spirits. A girl came beside me and started conversation herself. We exchanged numbers. I actually got a date with her. 3 actually. She called me to her place because she had to leave town soon. I thought I was finally lucky but she wouldn't let me get past second base. I was frustrated.

My biggest break, I thought, was when a really attractive girl shared an Uber with me (girl D). I managed to strike a conversation with her. She was really kind and I learnt she was from the same hometown. She was a fashion designer who had set up her own brand and came here to learn more about the retail. We ended up talking about all the hardships in a 30 min ride. I managed to connect on FB. We talked a lot more. She started displaying a lot of interest. Said she had never connected with anyone like that before. I moved really fast and asked her out on a date. It went very well by all accounts. She told me all about herself and her dreams and would always say how comfortable she felt. I took her to my go to drinking place where I could make cocktails and since It was always empty, we could chat nicely. It was here I found she was going through a divorce with an abusive husband and had an 8 year old daughter (she was only 30!). She had a string of abusive relationships since then apparently. But, by this time I was already head over heels in love. We soon left the place when she asked me what I wanted to do next. I had no idea, I didn't plan this far. We decided to walk a bit where I soon pulled her close and kissed her and told her I loved her (What a mistake in hindsight). She told me this had never happened to her and that she was the one who'd always be chasing. Soon we walked again, she had her hand under mine. I couldn't take her home because I shared it with two other bachelors. She said she lived with her cousin. So, I thought I'd ask her if we could spend night at some hotel (another mistake in hindsight). She paused, said that was very tempting, but then turned around and said she'd meet me tomorrow. Then there was radio silence. This was when my cool exterior broke. Despite everything, I was very weak emotionally and so I started chasing. She soon started texting, but was completely cold now. She didn't see this going anywhere. I ended up becoming the so called "white knight", trying to get her to do various activities. But, we never met. Two months later, I found she was going on dates. I was broken. I told her I needed to cut contact. She said "what???". I said I had the wrong Idea about everything. I think at this point someone else took her phone and called me a creep and blocked me. I found I was unfriended from FB too. If this wasn't bad, I got laid off from my job as a writer from a videogame company because the game wasn't doing well, mere TWO days after that happened. By May, I was at the lowest point in my life. I couldn't stop thinking about girl D. But, I had to get back up. This was exactly when I accidentally landed on this website. And boy, did it help giving me some mental peace. I could relate with so many articles here.

Funnily, next day, girl A contacted me out of nowhere. Said she worked close to where I live now. She wanted to meet and was really sorry about everything. I didn't buy into her BS, but I thought it'd be worth experimenting all the tips laid out by Chase. I was known by every girl for being the funniest person they met. I decided to cut back on that heavily and just rely on wit. When I met her, she seemed timid and afraid not to tick me off. Sure enough I did things right and managed to get her on the dance floor and made out with her. But she refused to sleep with me later. She said she was really happy we were in a good place finally and didn't want to ruin it. I smelt BS and coolly cut contact. Soon enough, I turned 25, and both girl B and girl D came back in contact. girl D somehow thought I had unfriended her. I told her that wasn't the case. She insisted she'd never do such a thing and I told her to quit playing dumb. I was done with these games. She just said "Ok. Forget it. Bye." That's that I guess. Girl B seemed overly flirty. Kept asking if I was dating someone. Tells about her problem with her boyfriend. I just feel weird about this and the fact that we are hardly in the same city anymore keeps me from aggressively pursuing here.

So, right now I'm jobless and devoid of sex. My friends keep telling me about the incredible stories I've had, but at the end of the day, they're all committed and get more action. I'm trying to rebuild my career. But, I really don't know what I must do to improve my skill with women. I've had nothing but failures. I refuse to settle for something less than a great woman (I don't mean to come across as arrogant). I'm sorry again if this post is long and unstructured. But, I'm really... REALLY frustrated.

Thanks for your patience

 

[Drck]

Hi Akira, there are many things to address. First of all, you'd greatly benefit from advice here from more senior members, just by browsing and reading the forum you might get a good idea what to do.

With that being said, I'm not going to list all necessary steps (as they are readily available here), I'm going to chose little different approach. Let's start with some analysis because - in my opinion - the best way to solve a problem is to understand it first:

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Your mind set. For example, you write things like "Confession from a man of many failures" or "I've had nothing but failures". This is quite negative mind set. See if you can change it, e.g. change your perception of things that are happening in your life.

Simple example: Some people (guys) are physically healthy, they can think, talk, write, be friendly and communicative, they have high IQ, they got great job, they can talk to women - yet they perceive themselves as miserable failure. Why is that? There is no rational reason to believe or think that the person is a failure. Those are positive things, and many more. Learn how to interpret every interaction with girl as a positive thing in your life because you can ALWAYS learn something new from that particular interaction. Whether it is dating, sex or rejection - you are always learning. And that is important. So, switch your mind and start thinking in terms that every interaction with any girl is a positive one. Erase the world "failure" from your mind, it doesn't exist anywhere else, except in your mind...

You need to start believe that you are the Price. You are well educated with prestigious degree, well spoken, you have a great desire for women - all these, and many others are good and positive things in your life... Change your mind set, change your perception...

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Learn what is sexual market place, where is your current position, and what girls are available to you at this point of time. Couple points:

* Because of your education, potential good job and approach to women, you present yourself as a provider. Girls of your age are generally avoiding providers. Most girls that are 20-29 or so don't really want to settle down. They want to have fun, date, have sex, move around... You might find more traditionally oriented girls in suburbs, but hardly in cities...

* You are inexperienced with girls. Let's be realistic, chances are that you won't be able to get a girl you want without experience. Which usually means that you have to start at lower level. When you have 10 steps to climb, you don't start with 10. You may jump to 4th or 5th, and then take another step after step. That is just reality for most guys, unless they get "lucky"... Right now you want a girl that is 9 to you, if not 10. Well, the reality is that girl like that can chose from 50 different guys just like you - and that is if she wasn't on social media. With FB, Tinder and other online crap, she can have very easy access to couple hundred guys. Just say 300. Think about that, that is a huge competition, she can chose any of them, reply to his text, show up for date, have sex with him if she feels like to... If not, well, with a swipe of finger she can have another one... How are you going to beat 299 guys, with exactly the same approach that most of them have? You just can't...

Which means, do not underestimate girls that are below your level, even if they are less attractive.... You can learn lots from them, you can have sex with them, they can teach you a thing or two... What more, they will give you CONFIDENCE, they can give you boost... and that is exactly what you need to get the higher quality girl you are looking for...

Think about it this way: What is better, bang 10 girls that are below your level or 1 girl that is what you perceive hot? IMO better is to bang all 11 of them, LOL. In other words, don't limit yourself to a pussy that you can't have at this time, get what you can now and then work yourself up...

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Another good thing in your life is, that those girls you are describing came back to your life after some while, and they showed interest. That is big, because it basically means that they perceive you as attractive guy. So the attraction is there, but what happened is - as you already know - that you chased them away. Don't do that, don't chase girls... Let them come to you... If she wants to leave, just let her, there is really not much to do anyway...

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You are chasing, you are emotionally unstable (e.g. lost it when you saw Girl A on the same spot with another guy,...), you are needy to get some girl... You need some girl in order to feel good. You are simply immature. That is not to put you down, that is to realize what you should focus on and improve, preferably in constructive way...

All these things need to be changed, you will not get many girls with this attitude, and even if you do it will show up later on in your life - they will dump you, they will divorce you, they will cheat on you... So that needs to be changed. You need to realize one thing: No girl can ever make you truly happy. A girl will make you co-dependent on her, she will give you good feelings here and there, but she will never make you happy. Why is that? Because anytime she'll leave or threaten to leave, you will fall to misery. And that is not a way to live a life my friend...

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The paragraph that starts with "It was here I found she was going through a divorce with an abusive husband and had an 8 year old daughter (she was only 30!) ... " says it all, I'm just going to break it down and add comments:

* She had a string of abusive relationships >> Yea, and she will continue to seek guys who abuse her. She is permanently damaged. Forget her

* But, by this time I was already head over heels in love >> As you (should) know, this is wrong. Never fall in love with girl who you are not banging. Don't feel sorry for her either, she is an adult and you are not even banging her

* We soon left the place when she asked me what I wanted to do next. I had no idea, I didn't plan this far >> Of course that is wrong. You as a man have to be leading. You always have to have idea, you always have to have a plan.

* We decided to walk a bit where I soon pulled her close and kissed her >> HA! That animal in you! That is great, you should have kept going!

* ... and told her I loved her (What a mistake in hindsight) >> Indeed, huge mistake. Never tell a girl that you love her, at least not until she says it first

* She told me this had never happened to her and that she was the one who'd always be chasing >> Big Red Flag! You never want to make an impression that you are chasing her, and if she already verbalizing it - she is thinking about it quite intensively. Next thing that usually happens is that she will run. You chase and she runs, that is how it works. The more you chase the further she runs...

* So, I thought I'd ask her if we could spend night at some hotel (another mistake in hindsight). She paused, said that was very tempting, but then turned around and said she'd meet me tomorrow. Then there was radio silence >> Now you are making her feel as if she were a slut. True, she may be - just don't make her feel that way...

* This was when my cool exterior broke >> Egrrrr! Now you are being needy, desperate and chasing guy... Watch, she will start RUNNING, and very very far...

* Despite everything, I was very weak emotionally and so I started chasing. She soon started texting, but was completely cold now. She didn't see this going anywhere >> Exactly. She is gone...

* I ended up becoming the so called "white knight", trying to get her to do various activities. But, we never met. Two months later, I found she was going on dates. I was broken >> The same... She already ran away, yet you are still offering 'activities'. She is no longer interested in you at this point of time, and yes, she will date other guys. You are broken again - you are needy, clingy, emotionally unstable again...

* I told her I needed to cut contact. She said "what???" >> Exactly. She already cut the contact with you loooong time ago. It's like a job, you quit the job, you go home, and two weeks later boss calls you and tells you that you are fired. It just doesn't work that way...

* I said I had the wrong Idea about everything. I think at this point someone else took her phone and called me a creep and blocked me. I found I was unfriended from FB too >> Man, learn to understand what is chasing, and never-ever do it again... It was of course her who blocked you and unfriended you... But again, remember - all these girls came back and appeared in your life again, which (most likely) means that they perceive you as attractive guy...
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Anyway, this is a great learning experience for you, there is lots of things to understand about the interaction and about girls in general. The good thing is, you go through it once or twice (maybe three times just to make sure that this is how it really works), you learn it and understand it - and then you never have to deal with it again in your entire life...

Good Luck

 

[Akira Kurusu]

Hello Drck,

Thanks for your patience and insightful reply! I'm grateful for all the points you brought up. I really appreciate that you held nothing back since I wrote the long post displaying all my weaknesses expecting nothing but the worst. I believe that's the only way to understand and improve.

**Your mind set. For example, you write things like "Confession from a man of many failures" or "I've had nothing but failures". This is quite negative mind set. See if you can change it, e.g. change your perception of things that are happening in your life.

**You need to start believe that you are the Price. You are well educated with prestigious degree, well spoken, you have a great desire for women - all these, and many others are good and positive things in your life... Change your mind set, change your perception...

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Yes, I can see how this works. In fact, the entirety of May, I spent in


**Learn what is sexual market place, where is your current position, and what girls are available to you at this point of time.

Haha, I think I've personally sabotaged my role as a provider recently. I quit a high-paying job to pursue being a writer and have had trouble maintaining stable ground despite working for top agencies. Right now, I'm moving to my friend's place till I find a job because the rent is expensive. But, I plan to find a balance soon.

Another thing, don't think I've mentioned this, but I'm from Asia. Girls here are usually on the more conservative side and most of them get married off at my age. So, I guess there's that bit too. But, yes. I definitely ought to open up the field and gain knowledge from everyone. There is still a lot to learn for me.

**Another good thing in your life is, that those girls you are describing came back to your life after some while, and they showed interest. That is big, because it basically means that they perceive you as attractive guy. So the attraction is there, but what happened is - as you already know - that you chased them away. Don't do that, don't chase girls... Let them come to you... If she wants to leave, just let her, there is really not much to do anyway...

I've been looking back to all the positive things that these girls have told about me to figure this out. Girl A, Girl C and Girl D are all 4-5 years older than me and all of them claimed I seemed more mature than people my age. Girl D straight up thought I was bluffing. I also manage to get them reveal a lot about themselves quickly. When I found out girl D and I were from same hometown, I straight up asked her if she ran away from that place too because it was a creative chokehold. Then she'd go on and explain about all her struggles in that city and her dreams in a 30 min cab trip to a stranger. On the date, she ended up talking so much that she surprised herself saying "Usually I'm a good listener and I'm silent." The only problem is, once they share such deep secrets with me, I too end up falling for them deeply. This is the part I wish to eradicate.

They also say that I talk very differently from other people, and even my humour is far removed from the rest. But, I do have bad habbits too. As noticed by my friends, lots of idiosyncracies where I have to keep walking while I think, and ignore everything happening around, give strangest responses that are uncalled for. All my friends think I'm a bit of an oddball. I don't know where I'm going with this.

**You are chasing, you are emotionally unstable (e.g. lost it when you saw Girl A on the same spot with another guy,...), you are needy to get some girl... You need some girl in order to feel good. You are simply immature. That is not to put you down, that is to realize what you should focus on and improve, preferably in constructive way...

Just a bit of correction. I didn't lose it on THAT spot. Girl A ended up losing it that day. She ended up at my go to bar where she NEVER hangs out. I called her over to join out of politeness. Things turned sour as she threw a fit and walked off leaving that guy to apologize. I still somehow managed to save my date and I DID sleep with this girl (small success ey). I lost it at her the next day telling her that her behaviour was absolutely pathetic and I have to cut contact with her.

And yes, I turn immature once things go south with a girl. I've noticed that. I've also noticed that I was needy. These were the realisations with which I landed on GC (man wish I'd found this out sooner). I've realised that I always went with "focus on one girl" approach. I'd always put all eggs in one basket and if that was gone, I'd panic. So, I started talking to other girls. I've developed good friendships with few really great girls over past 2 months. Even if it is platonic, it does help bring back a bit of confidence. Also, when girl A came back. Her whole personality changed. When before, she would just be mean to every guy till she got her way, this time she went out of her way to meet. The fact that I wasn't deep into her helped too. In fact, I had forgotten all about meeting her till the very day because I was so engrossed in my work. She herself texted me, and I had to turn down twice because of my schedule. At our meeting, she even covered the bill. I was totally relaxed for once and she commented on how that was unnerving because she didn't know what would tick me off. I was polite throughout though. I don't text her a whole lot, but whenever I do, I always get an enthusiastic response. And she always clearly tells what her plans for the day are when earlier she'd just not reply. But, I'm clearly aware that she's still that mean crazy girl to every other guy (because I could see those small bursts of attitude she had with few people). It boosted my confidence a lot to know that this girl who crushes every other guy on her path would now not dare to push me. So, when I thought she was trying to friendzone me again (she just seems like the person who'd love to control people). I just backed off coolly. (because this was when girl B started texting too)

girl B on the other hand, started probing me with all these questions whether there was someone I really wanted. She wanted to know what that woman was like. What I learnt from girl D is that women do not want a direct answer. So when girl B said "I hope your dream girl isn't committed." I just replied "Me too". That threw her into a frenzy and it was fun to watch.

So, by the time girl D texted, I was just not in the mood to play that whole drama game again. Which is why I told her if she was looking for an argument she'd have to pick another date. She went away but strangely has started liking my instagram posts again (Totally stopped this when we stopped talking). I'm not reading too much into that. I don't really feel the need to talk to her anymore.

And I'm slowly getting back to cold approaches too. I managed to talk to another cute girl in a cab. Problem was it was only for 7 minutes. We connected well and she did tease me too. When she got down, I said "we should meet again". She said yeah. But, when I asked her number she simply replied "Figure it out, you know my name". I guess I should have just got down with her. :\ Oh well, next time lol. Then on my birthday, I was at a bar near the counter with my friends. A girl came close and pretty much rubbed against my shoulders while trying to get the bartender's attention. I tried to make small talk but it was too loud and I was beyond wasted.

All things said, there is still a long road ahead for me. First half of 2017 has been very rough, both personally and professionally. I hope to learn from all of that and dedicate the second half of this year to improve wherever necessary. Thank you for helping me out.

Cheers!

 

[Akira Kurusu]

Okay, so I went to a dance bar with girl A. At this point, I was less interested in courting her (she came with her brother and friend) and more in using her as a source of attraction for many other women since she was so highly social. I scouted places and found a girl standing in a corner not talking much. Went up and talked to her and she said she had an injury from some dog bite. We had a good discussion where I found out she had written for plays. She didn't seem to be into the whole scene so I thought I wouldn't be able to pull her that night, I said I'd like to read more of these plays sometime and she smiled and said she had a boyfriend, I continued talking a little further and then courteously bowed out.

Tried to gain an entry point with few other girls who showed the cold shoulder. At this point I decided to just chill and have a good time. Somehow ended up dancing real close with girl A, like real close. She was surprised herself, asking "Where did you learn all this?" (thanks, Girlchase )

But, then I found a girl who was with another friend. Some guy was hitting on her. I managed to pull her out for a dance. We had a good time. She even asked where I lived. I told her I lived just a few blocks away and had a bottle of Captain Morgan with me and we were gonna have an after party. Asked her if she'd like to join. She said sure.

But then Girl A ended up losing a precious birthday ring and had to go calm her down -_-. 20 minutes passed and the music stopped, lights came out. When i tried to find the girl again, she awkwardly turned me down saying she was tired, etc. Also, girl A then started a bar fight that I had to break off. I think I should just cut contact with her altogether lol.

Well, so things didn't go well. But, I slept well that night. I'm slowly getting back in the game and feeling bit better about myself. I'm still jobless and homeless but I just got a flight on Wednesday for an interview with CEO of a really promising company that'll pay me well for a content marketing job. Best part is, it's in the A-town of my country. It's where the movie industry lives. It's also got the most hip crowd and approachable women. I'd like to think of all this to be testing grounds for that city. But, of course, I hope I get the job.