Control Issues

[Evan]

With a lot of the posts on Girlchase recently being about psychology and mindset, I come today with a problem that has troubled me quite a bit. I seem to suffer from being a control freak at times. While relatively new to the dating scene, this mindset affects me in several ways.

For instance, if I'm ever into a girl more than she is into me, I always find a way to screw it up. When I am not the one-up in the relationship, I tend to start down a road of mistakes that gradually become more and more frequent eventually leading to the girl losing interest. In this situation I constantly question every move I make as either helpful or hurtful and I have found that if down I start becoming impatient, nervous, etc. On the other hand, if I am the one-up I generally have no problem handling the relationship and staying in control and on top. But when I start to lose it I have found that's where most things go wrong.

It also has affects me in social situations too, as I tend to be uncomfortable around strangers and in times where I am the one that is younger/less experienced/etc.

Is there anything I can tweak that could help me see the world differently? I've been doing a lot of self-reflection now that I'm off for winter break and it seems this mindset is the biggest thing holding me back.

 

[Jay]

Evan, what you are describing has been one of the biggest hurdles I have had to overcome in my game, and life.

I used to absolutely have to be control of a situation and would self destruct in said situation, ruining the time of everyone involved trying to GAIN control, if I was not in control. If a girl tested me, I would immediately perceive it as an open insult, classify her as an ugly slut, and spend the rest of my night trying to convince everyone I knew and came in contact with that she was an ugly slut. Same thing would happen with unruly dudes. Drunk guy would approach and try to undermine me/make a teasing comment or even just do something that I perceived as a challenge to my control, and I would get up in his face or outright physically attack him. I've ruined numerous relationships, made many enemies, broken many a knuckle on faces, and sported many a black eye thanks to my past overwhelming need for control.

I know what it is like to be at the absolute extreme of control neediness, and your control situation, while not as extreme, stems from the same basic inner need for everything to be in its place and easily handled, and the lack of ability to deal with when things aren't. I believe this issue stems directly from OCD, something I have struggled with in the past and continue to struggle with today. My thoughts would run wild, going through every possible positive and negative outcome of my perceived lack of control until I had to do SOMETHING to try and get control back, ultimately panicking and digging a much deeper hole for myself.

With all that said, I have found that the main way to combat this is to instead of clinging to the mental set of lost control; step back, breathe deep, gather your thoughts, and tell yourself that you are, in fact, in control. If you have the mindset of "Oh my God I really like/want to have sex with this girl but I'm not sure if she likes/wants to have sex with me as much as I do her, I have to make this conversation/interaction go my way or I could fuck this up forever..." and on and on and on, you need to calm down and focus on less thinking, and more action. Separate yourself from your feelings temporarily, and tell yourself that this one girl really doesn't matter all that much, and take action. Tell yourself, If I get her, great; if I don't, its OK. You will be blown away by how well your interactions tend to go once you adopt this mindset. As for being uncomfortable around strangers and when operating in older social circles; just act like you normally would. Its that simple. Tell yourself; it doesn't matter how these strangers/more experienced people perceive me, they will be more likely to respond positively to me if I act positively around them, and all I am doing by acting uncomfortable is making myself look less confident and losing the little control I came in with. If you ACT like and KNOW that you are mentally and emotionally in control instead of constantly worrying about it, your life will be a lot more fulfilling.

Hope this helps

Jay

 

[Verisimilitude]

One of the books Chase recommends for people to read is called The Passion Trap and it hits on the same situation you are dealing with right now. Some of the advice that the books gives is just better communication (I'm not sure if it really works or not), but the best advice he gave to one-downs in a relationship is basically: focus on your own life! Find a new passion, and immerse yourself in it.

As you explore it, you'll meet new people, and be spending so much time on that passion that your girlfriend (or the girl who you are pursuing) will stop and realize that your not around as much, and if she likes you (9 times out of 10) she'll reach out to you. Now you become the one-up.Reward investment and compliment (not supplicate) and she'll be chasing after you. Talking to other girls will help this too (which may come naturally as you explore your new passion)

Eventually you'll realize: She's just a girl and there are plenty of other ones just like her