Conversation

[Osiris]

Hi
I have felt that I have nothing to add to the conversation with people, and find my self being silent and quiet most of the time, after analyzing my mindset, I realized I talk only when I have the right thing to say, and unless I have the right thing to say I don't speak, this makes me come across as a very introverted, silent and quiet type and even more around the talkative ones.
Any suggestions to break out from this rut?

 

[Train]

Hey Osiris,

I recommend a two-pronged approach to this.

First is to notice and record the topics that you usually are at a loss for words on. Then read up on these topics so you have material to bring up if the specific topics come up again.

Second is to learn to identify key points in the conversation where you can contribute and then freestyle based on what you know that is related to the topic.

Example:

You're talking to someone and they say:

"I love visiting Miami in the summer. There aren't as many tourists and it's way cheaper. The beach is always so blue and clear too."

The bolded words are key points that you can use to add to the conversation. So you can talk about the time you visited Miami or a fun fact about the city. Or where you usually go for the summer. Or your experiences with tourists. Or maybe a beach you went to that you liked.

You can also use these key points to ask the other person more information. Like what is Miami like? Have they tried visiting in the winter? What else do they visit besides the beach?

So you don't always have to bring value to the conversation. You can also ask the other party to give more information that can also give you more key points.

You can keep the conversation flowing with both statements and questions. Of course, you don't want to turn it into an interview but questions are good way to keep things flowing if you're unable to make a statement on what somebody just said.

 

[Derek da man]

I used to be much the same, I'm also quite introverted and am happy listening to other people. It's not that I'm not interested in what's being said, just I have nothing significant or interesting to add. Just because you don't have something to "add" doesn't mean you can't contribute to the conversation by asking questions, getting the person who was speaking to give more detail. With practice you can also tailor your questions to lead the conversation to somewhere you can contribute.

If you think about people you have conversations with it is often the people that ask you detailed questions about what you have said that you find you have a connection with, so while you may not be making the greatest contribution in terms of quantity of words spoken you can be making the most significant contribution to the continuation and direction of the conversation due to your questions.

 

[Will_V]

Hi
I have felt that I have nothing to add to the conversation with people, and find my self being silent and quiet most of the time, after analyzing my mindset, I realized I talk only when I have the right thing to say, and unless I have the right thing to say I don't speak, this makes me come across as a very introverted, silent and quiet type and even more around the talkative ones.
Any suggestions to break out from this rut?

The reason why you don't know what to say is because you have no objective, no frame that you wish to reinforce. Once you have an objective, the things you have to communicate to achieve it become apparent.

When you are in a group, I suggest paying attention not to what people are saying, but instead to their objective. One person might have the objective of managing the hierarchy and ensuring everyone stays in their positions, another might have the objective of making everyone feel good, another might have the objective of managing outside threats, etc. Of course, things are rarely that simple, but you can often see every time someone talks how it reinforces what they consider to be their role and perspective and particular value to the group, and part of the reason why others enjoy listening to it is because it clarifies their perspective on who that person is, their intentions, and what they can contribute that others cannot.

Once you have a role that is more or less established in a group, what to say becomes easier to figure out. If you are not an established part of the group, you need to come in with a clear objective or a frame that is compelling by itself - the same way that you need to do with a girl you don't know yet or someone you want to meet at an event.

 

[Osiris]

Hey Train

I love visiting Miami in the summer. There aren't as many tourists and it's way cheaper. The beach is always so blue and clear too."

The bolded words are key points that you can use to add to the conversation. So you can talk about the time you visited Miami or a fun fact about the city. Or where you usually go for the summer. Or your experiences with tourists. Or maybe a beach you went to that you liked.

You can also use these key points to ask the other person more information. Like what is Miami like? Have they tried visiting in the winter? What else do they visit besides the beach?

Thanks for your suggestion, I had been doing this, in a one - one conversation it works well and gives a lot of topics to talk about, and after a while it seemed to devolve into a back and forth of question and answers with eventually one of us becoming tired of the entire thing and leaving the conversation, it was like we were conversing for the sake of conversing and both were being polite to exit.

You can keep the conversation flowing with both statements and questions. Of course, you don't want to turn it into an interview but questions are good way to keep things flowing if you're unable to make a statement on what somebody just said.

How do you come up with witty things, pull their legs or just have a good time talking, most conversations I have seem to be pretty boring

 

[Osiris]

Once you have a role that is more or less established in a group, what to say becomes easier to figure out. If you are not an established part of the group, you need to come in with a clear objective or a frame that is compelling by itself - the same way that you need to do with a girl you don't know yet or someone you want to meet at an event.

My main objective when I go into conversation with somone is to make sure it's fun enjoyable conversation, with enough bantering and deep conversations from both of us, but right now I feel like I leave no impression with the people I converse with, so I have been trying to have stronger opinions, get into arguments for the sake of it, and not sticking to safe conversations, I hope to see if that works for me.

 

[Train]

...after a while it seemed to devolve into a back and forth of question and answers with eventually one of us becoming tired of the entire thing and leaving the conversation, it was like we were conversing for the sake of conversing and both were being polite to exit.

I find the "juicy" things in conversations are emotionally charged topics. So you have the small talk (ex. weather, sports, work) but a deeper layer is things that have more emotion to them. So basically talking feelings more.

Examples:

Instead of saying what you do for work, say why you find it exciting.

Instead of saying NYC is an interesting city, talk about the time you got flipped off by a taxi driver.

Generally, whereas small talk is "what", talking about feelings is "how" and "why."

I recommend looking back at past conversations and analyzing moments where you felt fully engaged. Also find interesting conversations on youtube (podcasts, interviews, etc). In these, identify engaging moments and replicate in your conversations. Keep an eye out for what and how things are said and received.

In person, you can test saying different things to people and keeping an eye out for when they light up.

So an example is if you talk about dogs and their eyes are glazed over. They barely give you responses. That's a cue to cut that thread and switch topics or leave. But if you suddenly switch to talking about cats and they can't shut up, then you've found a topic that they like.

Each person has different topics that they'll find engaging so that's another dimension to this.

Also, every conversation naturally dies so don't worry if it happens. It can be a lot of things not reflective of you. Maybe they're tired or have to run somewhere. Usually if you get shorter and shorter responses, that's a good indicator that they're reaching the end of wanting to talk.

But something to consider is even the world's best conversationalist will reach a point where the conversation dies.

How do you come up with witty things, pull their legs or just have a good time talking, most conversations I have seem to be pretty boring

As far as joking/teasing, I've found it's a matter of time practicing and calibrating. Don't be afraid to try jokes and failing. Not everyone hits home runs every time when throwing jokes around. But do keep track of what lands well and what doesn't. Also audience plays a huge role as what's funny for some could be offensive for others.

Something that may help is this panel I've watched of an actor from a tv show, Daniel Gillies (brunette guy on right in video). He's pretty funny and good at teasing and working the crowd. I think it'd be great inspiration and reference in trying to sharpen teasing/joking/wittiness.

Note: Audio may be loud, adjust in case.