Converting Casual Dating/FWB Partner To LTR Girlfriend

[Vaya Con Cornholio]

I have seen this girl who I am crazy about 3 times, and while every time we have had sex 2 or 3 times and she appears thoroughly satisfied in that department, I am hoping to see her in a boyfriend-girlfriend capacity. When I mentioned this to her, she said she likes what we have and doesn't want to rush commitment. After you've gotten past having a girl view you as a lover, how do you get her to see you as a provider besides seeming emotionally and financially stable, relating to her, and meshing with her lifestyle?

Looking at the Operant Conditioning, Scarcity, and Dating On Your Terms articles, I was thinking if withdrawing and becoming less available might make her realize that I'm only willing to continue if there's commitment, and hopefully she will be afraid of losing the chemistry and feel compelled to make a decision. At the same time, this is very difficult to do, as she is a great girl and I love what we have as much as she does, but don't want to continue investing too much time and expectations in something that isn't serious if I'm ultimately looking to settle down.

Any advice?

 

[Franco]

VCC,

Generally the best way to approach this is to not even mention it to her (which was probably a mistake on your part, but if she likes you enough, it won't cost you too much). If you continue to see her as often as you have been for an extended period of time, she will usually be the one to bring it up, assuming she wants it.

Looking at the Operant Conditioning, Scarcity, and Dating On Your Terms articles, I was thinking if withdrawing and becoming less available might make her realize that I'm only willing to continue if there's commitment, and hopefully she will be afraid of losing the chemistry and feel compelled to make a decision.

This would be exactly the opposite of what you want to do as these rules only apply to women before they are your lover. (EDIT: Operant Conditioning I believe applies to a girl who is already your girlfriend more than just a recent casual lover) It's best to just treat the situation as if she's a girl you really only want to see casually for as long as possible, and feelings will continue to snowball on her side. Remember, it's always the one who's less invested in the relationship that has the stronger foothold because it's almost always the case that the other party is wanting something more. As of right now, based on the fact that you asked her about a relationship so soon and that she replied she was happy the way things are, it sounds like you are the one that is more invested emotionally.

Put things on cruise control -- give her great sex every time she comes over, don't push for any "labels" or "commitments," and let her come to you for something more.

You also might want to check out this article if you have time: Where Do You See This Going?

- Franco

 

[Vaya Con Cornholio]

Thanks Franco,
I got the sense that I needed to lower my investment, but I guess you mean more in the sense of minimizing expectations and taking it casually than through feigning disinterest, seeing her less, or pressing for labels. That works because other than me bringing up the "Where Do You See This Going?" question, which I was able to somewhat smooth over and tell her "forget I brought it up, we'll just see where it goes & let it play out naturally", things are great between us and it doesn't feel right going cold on her.

 

[Franco]

That works because other than me bringing up the "Where Do You See This Going?" question, which I was able to somewhat smooth over and tell her "forget I brought it up, we'll just see where it goes & let it play out naturally", things are great between us and it doesn't feel right going cold on her.

That's good; as long as that played out smoothly, then I think you're fine. I wouldn't bring it up again and just continue to see her casually as if the sex was the central purpose of seeing each other. This doesn't mean you can't talk to each other about personal things and share stories (and in fact, I recommend it), but just make sure that the sex is the focal point of the reason that you're seeing her (but don't explicitly say this to her, of course). The great sex will keep her coming back, and the pillow talk will help her feel connected to you.

Eventually, if she wants it, she will be the one asking, "Where Do You See This Going?" =)

- Franco