Cosmos and a little more. (Journal)

[Rhyme]

Hello, welcome to my first journal. I'd like to start with just little background in order to help you understand today's travel stories.

I've been single for 1 (or 2) months now, and through that period many desires and doubts about dating have come along. I have become very lazy. Staying home to watch South Park has become a daily routine. Yet, also, I have kept a constant visit to GirlsChase, and had previously made an attempt to approach girls (approaching one and telling another that I like her shirt while she walked), but have always been dragged in less than 3 hours back home with the excuse "I'm tired, I can do this tomorrow"

Yesterday, after going out to Old San Juan for a festival, after seeing so many gorgeous girls, a small anxiety led me back home faster than usual. "I'm tired" I told myself "I can't approach girls like this". Which was true because I had not slept well the last night, so I headed back home, but instead of sleeping I watched Cosmos by Carl Sagan (love it!). And in small break, after finishing episode 7 of Cosmos, I decided to call a friend. Usually, I have many tabs open; a couple of Youtube, one of traveling, a dictionary and ten of GirlsChase. While the phone rang, I clicked on one special article of Chase, Effort Aversion. If you haven't read it, here you go https://www.girlschase.com/content/effort-aversion-or-why-you-dont-work-hard-and-get-laid

As you know, I had to hang up, the article was talking to me.

I decided I was not going to use the computer until I approached three women. Oh... and no hot shower too myself has to suffer! *evil laugh*
This is what happened today:

I woke up at 8 and headed to the mall at 9. There, I went all around without any approaches and with a low energy. Then, after sitting in my car for half hour, I decided I was going back again. This time I went to a couple stores and spoke to the salespeople, my social energy was better. I tried approaching the cute saleswomen available, but most of them surprised me with their too old or too ugly looks. Much like this http://youtu.be/myT3HdR48HI

Before ending the trip I saw a hardware stand with a pretty muslim saleswomen. I started looking to the phone cases and she asked me "spanish or english?" I said both (in english), she smiled and I commented ("looks cute") on her veil. I asked her if she was American and she said she was born in New York. I asked her if she was single and she said "no, married" So I continued shopping and naturally stepped away.

Later, at 1, I returned home, but pushed myself out in a matter of minutes. I ended up in the university (today is the last day) and there wasn't many people, but I stayed for two hours walking and sitting. Sometimes girls walked my way and I didn't approach. At 3 I went to a local pub and sat there for half-hour and the interesting thought came to my mind "I want to watch Cosmos... but I can't... until I approach two more girls" And out nowhere I headed straight to the university.

At 4, one cute girl seemed to be American, so I stopped her and I asked "Are you American?" She said no. "Are you Puerto Rican?" She said no. We both smiled and she said "I'm european". "Are you single?" I asked. "No" She said and we drifted apart. This time I had more energy (I mean, I had to, I was going to walk the 289 acre university again) By the end, I saw this girl walking and I approached. I said "Do you know where is longitude 89, kilometer 46?" We both smiled and I said "I'm kidding, I just thought your hair looked amazing and I wanted to say hi, my name is Jaime" We shook hands and she said her name. I asked her if she was single and she said yes. Then, I said "Well, I was thinking about drinking some coffee later" She said she had to leave. I tried getting her number but she said she had to go (most likely that means she lives in a different city so she won't be available to hang out, otherwise, the energies were great) She thanked me for the compliment, I said nothing and with a grin I headed back home to write this article so that I can finally sit down and watch Episode 8 of Cosmos.

 

[Rhyme]

Ok, so things are not getting better and... the only reason I'm writing is to motivate myself and keep on track.

Recently I started the school year and I took some days to settle and work on my fundamentals (clothes, walking, voice, eye contact, energy levels, conversation). It started quite good, I had a couple of girls from my classroom looking at me, but till this day I haven't approached those girls; both of them seem too far off for me to get into contact, I am still waiting for a better opportunity.

Two weeks after the university opened her doors, I felt motivated to approach girls again; I started with two girls sitting down. The first one was really nice, but for some reason I left early because I felt that I was doing too much effort and she wasn't giving much, in the end she was nice.
The second one was more open to talk, she was older than me, white girl with a tattoo; we talked for a while, I did dive deep, but she was rude with me, I thought it had something to do with me being a couple years younger. I went back home feeling a bit dejected yet no so much to give up.

The next day following this one, I randomly approached a girl walking towards me who was not so pretty and was very childlike. I stumbled with my words and eventually got rejected... Funny thing is, this wouldn't have been enough to make me depressed or anything like that, because she was a regular girl and she rejected me with a inexperienced vibe (she also stumbled with her words, and didn't know what to say), but I couldn't bare it and went straight home. Usually when I approach girls that reject my game I feel this "high", rush of excitement that makes me feel happy, but not this time. I think part of what made be go home and drown on my emotions had a lot to do with the bad experience from the day before. Anyway, I spent the whole week a bit depressed and not so excited about meeting new people.

The next week I decided to take my mind off of society and just play soft. This made my week really exciting with people talking with me more often and the sadness going away, I felt more open. Then, that same week, in one of the classrooms, a girl sat next to me and we started to flirt, it felt really good considering I hadn't felt like that in a while; at the end of the class I asked her for her phone number and voila!

This girl I met with a different kind of mindset I've been having lately, which is, I WANT SEX. I broke the ice that same day (you know, the how to text a girl 20 tips and blah blah) then the next day I hit her on WhatsApp to grab a cup of chocolate, she answered saying she wasn't in the university but that she still wants to see me, so I replied asking her if she can make it today to Río Piedras (the place where the university is, the largest district in San Juan), she said she couldn't, I asked her "when then?" she said Monday (it was Thursday). I felt mad at first because my initial message was something like:

"Hey archeologist (she likes archeology), how has been your day? Today I had to run to the classroom, it was tiering but exciting. How about we go drink that cocoa we talked about? When's good for your schedule?"

And she responded by only saying she couldn't be there today and then totally ignored the other question (when's good for your schedule) and made me ask her twice before she actually said when she was available. With my anger at hand, I didn't reply and immediately deleted her from my contact list (I know, dramatic).

Now, after meeting her again on the classroom (where I ignored her, but we ended flirting a tiny bit before I left the classroom without saying goodbye... yes, yes... dramatic!) I have realized that even though she's has no clue of my background (just my name) she seems to be playing the "Im gonna make you chase me" game, which I've always found disgusting; my plan is to not go further with her, I may had had my second chance but I wasn't feeling like asking her out again.

Currently I'm stressed up; no friends, no hoes, and a bad attitude.

 

[ray_zorse]

Hey man enjoying the read -- you seem to be putting a fair bit of emphasis on each individual interaction -- maybe see if you can bang out more approaches in a session, reason I say this is for example "she ignored the second part of my question and made me ask twice..." well this happened to me today, I wrote similar text to yours, she wrote back "thinking of you", I wanted to reply "yes but does thought translate into action" -- but thought better of it. Ignore, until she realizes her mistake. I can only play this kind of game cos I do a shit ton of approaches, and you should too. I didn't really get good at it until after months of several outings a week, so don't be discouraged if it's a hard slog at first. Just approach more frequently until you nail it. Any questions ask me. Anyway, I'm subscribed.
-Ray

 

[Rhyme]

Ok, I bought the Tinder System; it's very informative, too pricey for what it offers, but worth it nonetheless. I haven't been able to make a tinder account because theres a problem singing in.
I also have been trying to use several other dating apps and sites: okcupid, pof and hotornot. Deleted my pof account because of the lack of people from my country. This is actually a problem I have been facing: lack of women from my country in dating services. I have spoken to many, and much has failed, others took too long and others too fat. Just now, I met a girl who was depressed, funny how I always find this type of woman, but thanks to my past experiences (written above this post) I was able to pass by quickly and painless, though I wish I would have done it quicker (instead of 4 messages 2 would have been the best call)

Outside of the internet, I have been taking things more strictly but not more desperate. I have met a few girls and made a few friends.
In two of the classes I have had more success socially. People know who I am; they respect me, hate me and love me.
I made a friend who is a lesbian, we flirt from time to time, but I don't try to push things forward because she always points at me (subjectively speaking) and says "you're so flirtatious, but Im lesbian" and so on. Not a big deal, she's not so pretty and she makes a good friend.
I also made friends with a pregnant girl --by now, you guys must be thinking I take classes in a circus. The same texting girl from the previous post is in the class too, she sits near: me, the pregnant girl and the lesbian girl (I guess we're like buddies), she flirts with me but I ignore because I don't like to repeat mistakes.

In the same classroom there's this girl I've had the feeling likes me since day one (In fact, I think most girls there like me since I'm older and always dressed nice). We both have one thing in common: we don't look at each other for shit. This is the funniest thing ever, I can feel we like each other but we both avoid each other. I liked her very much till yesterday when we stumbled upon each other going out of the classroom and she opened the door but slammed it (let it go) on my face. I was heartbroken. Two types of girl I don't like: sad and rude, both the same coin.

Another girl from another class is very sexy. We took classes before but she never noticed me, but it's been a year since that and I have my fundamentals done. We have made eye contact flirting various times.Yet now I feel like it's over since I've let too much time pass without approach. I haven't found a "precise moment" where I could approach, it's a bit disappointing but I know it's my fault.

Nevertheless, I feel funny as I write this, maybe it's because of that girl from now... nah, it's just another moment in the cosmos.

 

[Rhyme]

Hey reader, how you doing? Welcome again to the most intimate writing I've ever done. Yes, I am aware that there must be someone reading this besides myself, maybe years ahead of now or just minutes ahead, though there's the possibility that no one reads this and that's just wonderful because, in all honesty, I fear intimacy. Yet, thanks for taking your time to drink my tears and bathe on my laughter.

I haven't introduced myself, and I will do that now. My name is Jaime Rivera and I'm a boy that likes to create. As of now, I'm 19 years old and I'm on the road that has been driven by so many people, the life of society. Now, I never thought I would end living this life, I always thought I would end being some kind of artist painting the sunrise of a Sunday morning in the place I was brought in. However, when I arrived high school a certain social awareness started to kick in inside of me, very rare for me because most of my friends were not worried about that. Nonetheless my friends always found it easy to fit in with the rest of the people, I was always the weird one, with long hair in a small town where it's considered ugly, I didn't spoke to anyone and I smoked many weed whenever I got the chance. Although it started on eleventh grade, on twelve grade I started getting interested in meeting woman and as always it was a pain in the ass. It made me stressed and nervous, though I am not easily shaken by nervousness, in fact, I love nervousness. I kissed a couple of girls that year, talked to many, and fell in love with a couple of them. That was the time I started reading GirlsChase, it was mind-blowing and it gave me a perspective different than most guys my age.

Unfortunately, I gave in to one of those girls. I spent two years of my life in a long-distance relationship because I thought it was the best option I could get. She came a couple of times and we had a good time whenever she was around, but once she went away we started to have trouble and we broke up very harshly, leaving me with some resentment that didn't culminate until some time later. The only bad thing about this experience was that I become a pussy, a negative and uncreative person, plus I had stopped reading GirlsChase and I was back on level one with meeting girls. Fortunately there it's always a bright side that shines on the darkness, after we broke up I started to care more about others, I became more adventurous and I started experimenting with my own sexuality. For instance, on my second semester of high school and my first year of college that I was with this girl, I never told anyone how much I suffered from walking anxiety. Whenever I walked in front of somebody, I felt my legs shake, my breathing stopping and my thoughts running like crazy, it was a horrible experience. But after that harsh moment was over, in a couple of months I was walking with confidence and gratefulness, the anxiety is basically nonexistent nowadays.

So far I've been with a couple of girls but not anything serious, and not anything fulfilling either. I tend to gravitate from one extreme to the other, from depression to confidence. Sometimes I do the mistake of hating and I end up depressed, but whenever I start being honest my heart moves towards confidence.

Moving away from that, I have discovered that whatever happens to you on the cyber world happens to you in real life. For instance, last week I was bored so I created a kik account that I posted so that other people would text me. I was surprised to find out that I was texted by a number of girls, and I spoke to them (not intending a long-distance relation, but actually just flirting and talking till I gave up half hour later and said goodbye). Surpisingly I woke up the next day feeling very confident and attractive, as if I had actually been with those girls. In fact, that day I got a phone number of two girls and flirted with this one girl that I sadly didn't take home, and when I tried taking her home, yesterday, she was nervous and asked me to meet somewhere else to which I declined (mistake! I know! learned it)

Right now, I'm a bit courageous but I need some time off.

 

[Brish]

Hi Rhyme!

I've just read it through your journal and I think it's really well written.

Don't worry about your initial lack of success, remember you just started your journey and it does take time to become better. Don't let periods when you move backwards or forget about pickup discourage you. During my development in field of seduction, and in fact in every other field I was dedicated to at some point, I've learn that every time you come back to it you come back stronger. Every time you start on somewhat higher level. Life is a cycle of "lows" and "highs", simply be sure to get higher every time. Give yourself time and hard, deliberate practice and soon your lows will surpass whatever is your current pinnacle. Think of the progress you have made and embrace it.

The girl who slammed door in you face... Have you considered she could feel the same about you and have even greater anxiety to talk to you? Maybe that was her clumsy way to give you an opportunity to talk with her. I would definitely run up and cheerfully told her that she almost knocked me out with that door Maybe it wouldn't go the way you wanted, nothing to worry about, at least you tried. It wouldn't be worse than before, when you didn't talk at all. And you would have a new experience to analyse and learn from, great! Or maybe you would get together? Next time be sure to find out.
It is much more constructive to think about everything that way. Treat everything life throws at you as an opportunity, and impulse to take the action.

One more thing.. don't worry that you feel like a loner or weirdo, I guess a lot of guys here share similar background... people who always had careless lives usually don't feel the need to improve.

Paul

 

[Rhyme]

Paul, normally I would hesitate on responding on my journal and would instead send you a private message, but I want anyone that reads this to know that I'm grateful to you. GirlsChase's community has such a great vibe with so many good people that I find myself surprised with from time to time.

One of my good friends, the guy who showed me GC, no longer participates or worries about attraction and self-improvement when it comes to socializing. He's a good-looking guy and since small he's been exposed to women; he finds it very easy to attract girls even when he's not feeling good. On the other hand, most of my teen years I spent by myself missing some of that crucial experience with women, and I know it takes time and effort to master something.

However Paul, I know the way it's going to be easier (or swifter) with great people like you around me!

Salutes!

 

[Rhyme]

I've been meaning to write here since a while ago, but time has slowed down a bit and every moment seems to go as fast as furious. I started smoking weed again, what a relief, I thought I would never need it again and I was wrong. It's good to prove yourself wrong from time to time, rebel from yourself at every step you take. Fuck the thought of the thought of the thought of the thought. My friend says there is no ego, that there's only you to blame, the ego is just an object to blame and avoid your conscious consumption.

See, I started smoking weed three weeks ago on a trip to the Pirineus, the mountains in Catalunya, Spain. I took for myself 5 weeks, 35 days, one month and a week, to travel to Europe. At first I was not sure why I was deciding to do such a thing, but now I insist upon myself that it was the best decision I have taken so far. I started on England, on a small town north of London, Radlett. There I stayed for two weeks in a hindu temple, where I farmed with other travelers from around the World. Met unforgettable people, amazing women and great men; I miss them with all my heart and I wish I could hug them once again.

Then the time came and I had to leave unexpectedly to Italy, which took me somewhat three days. I made a stop on Paris to see the Eiffel tower and eat good food, went through the Alps, stopped at Milan and finally reached Rome. Immediately after Rome I had to take a train to the national park of Abruzzi. My host was a hot-headed Italian who left me to live in isolation, with a North American man from Colorado, for a week. I was supposed to stay a two weeks there, but I left with a bad taste on my mouth and went to see Rome again.

After a week on a hostel on Rome, I was heading to Barcelona. The beautiful Barcelona greeted me with many lovable people, almost as if life was creating a balance after the tragic moments on Italy. After a night on Barcelona, I went to the beach to eat some sun and wait for a lift to Northern side of Catalunya, near the small, smallest town Araos, in the Pirineus. There I fell in love with nature, the girl of my dreams (who had a boyfriend), and finally, weed.

Things I learned from this trip? Have a pick:

I will is the lions attitude. Thus spoke Zarathustra. I am a lion, not a dragon, a camel, or a baby.
Bad is also good. This one I was told to me by a Czech friend.
The way it starts is not the way it ends. I remember hearing, now I know.
Acknowledging is killing. Think about it.
Attitude is greater than words, but sometimes words can be more subtle. Please is not always for beggars, please can be elite. A Spanish woman who talked with me the unbearable 8 hours of flight, thought me this.
This is my opinion, what is yours? Different than mine you say? I agree. My favorite colour is red and yours is blue. I still love you.
English is a fine language, I speak it fluently as if I was born on the US, my accent sounds very New York-y said a girl to me. But Spanish still holds number one in my heart. I've always said this: Spanish is my mother tongue and English is my father language.
Puerto Rican's accent is different than other spanish accents... I love it. Every mistake it has I love it. Europe is beautiful, but I'm Puerto Rican and traveling away will only make me love the sweet breeze, hot temperature, gorgeous women, shining beaches, humid forests, delicious food, the interesting animals like the coqui, and the passionate aroma of music. I heard once "El vino de mi patria, aunque amargo, es mi vino" that is "The wine of my country, even if its bitter, is my wine".

I went there as a heartbroken kid, and I left there as a heart driven man.


I will do the things I want goddammit, I will become the man I want and I will not stop, unless I want.


I will puñeta!

Yours truly,
Rima

 

[Rhyme]

I don’t blame myself. I don’t blame anything either. Recently I acquired an attitude, I read it from the Zarathustra's book, its the “I Will" Attitude. It is quite different from what I’ve been doing with my life since I was a child. You see, I was raised a Catholic, but my parents were never strict so I ended up realizing the truth about such a religion and my ideas moved away from it. Yet, my catholic attitude remained, which is: “please give me this” “oh lord, I want this” “hopefully this will happen” because praying for a child is basically asking for stuff and you get used to asking and never going out to get them yourself. So in all my life situations I always sticked to this attitude, but this attitude is too flexible and you have no control over what happens to you, but with the I Will is totally different

The I will attitude is more realistic in the world I’m living in. For instance, I want good grades, but how to get them? Well, you need to read. Ok, then I will read and I will get good grades. Or if I want to progress with women, I say I will. What do I need? Also reading, but mostly experiencing. Ok, then I will get out more often, meet people and do new things, but I will keep reading some articles and threads to keep my mind flowing with what I need to get good with women. Then everything I do helps me out with this, and most of the things I say I will, I do. Those other things I don’t do well… let me give you an example of why they didn’t work.

Say you want a house… a wooden house. You say I Will build this house by the end of Summer. Surprisingly enough, no matter how hard you tried you could not build the house. What happened? Well.. something was missing. You had a hammer and the wood to build the cabin, but you didn’t have nails! So no matter how hard you tried you wouldn't get the house finished by the end of Summer.

Actually, something like this happened to me this summer. I went on a trip to Europe and I said “I will have sex atleast once on this trip” But by the end of the trip I had no sex… yet, I talked with numerous girls, had amazing responses and was very close to getting laid -which didn't happen because I was too eager and didn't made my moves smoothly-. What went wrong? Well, I don’t have the experience and wisdom about dating and women that I need to at least get laid once, but if I did, my tries would have been scores. So my mistakes aren't to be blame, but actually praised, because now they are experiences that will help me in the future.

So the I will attitude is way more supportive to the way of life that I want, because even when it fails… I still improve.

Shit, I hope I will. Just kidding!

See you later guys,
and keep on riding...

-Rhyme

 

[Rhyme]

I noticed something about me. I'm hoping to fail every time I start a conversation with a girl. It's been a while since I get deep with a girl, and now that I'm once again getting to know a new girl, my mind keeps thinking I'll fail, and sometimes I feel I have failed. I don't want this kind of attitude and I hope it's going to end soon.

One fear is striking me constantly: what if I never mature?

This girl I'm talking to is so not-important yet so important to me. If I fail, I know I have to keep going and keep searching, and if I don't fail I still have to keep going cause she will be the first one to break the vicious cycle I've been living for the past year, and stoping with her will only restart the vicious cycle. I don't want to fail, and I won't fail.

I wrote a facebook message to my ex-girlfriend, saying I was sorry for being an asshole and not appreciating her the way I should have. This made me scared. It's been a year since we broke up and I feel divided. One side of me thinks "what will she think?" "oh, I'm such a loser, writing apology letters to my ex". Yet, another side of me knows perfectly well I did this for me, not for her. I had to do it, as painful as it was, my heart cannot keep dwelling on that break-up or I won't be able to move on into relationships with other girls. As much as it hurts me to admit it, I've been thinking about that for too long. I'm holding too much bullshit and I need to let it all go.

On the other hand, my heart, though confused, is not in pain. Writing that letter has been a though punch on myself. This is the first time since that break-up that I openly share my real thoughts and feelings. I'm scared, but I won't stop walking, even if that means waking with my hands.

-Rhyme

 

[Rhyme]

I scared the fuck out.


I've been lamenting this few weeks my lack of bedding. It's been tough to keep me out of my old habits that kept me from being socially aware. Mental old habits that used to slow me down on achieving some results with my life overall. My ex-girlfriend seems to pop up sometimes from time to time to remind me I'm still single... not literally, the image of my ex-girlfriend which I still keep underneath my subconscious and the memories of small moments that I didn't have time to think about are starting to pop during my day, usually in the morning. This days I've felt a bit unpassionate, can't seem to find any words to write a new song. People don't like lingering for some reason. I started using deodorant again and it kind of works for half of the day, but by the end of it its gone, which I like.

I've been going to Yoga to exercise my body and keep me in shape. Been drinking ZMA and D3 before bedtime, I really like those, they've given me a bit of strength in my back which helps me stand straight while walking.

Yesterday I went to a yoga class at 7pm; at the UPi (The University of Puerto Rico, Río Piedras campus). Theres plenty of girls there, though I haven't spoken to any for long. Except for this girl, yesterdays class, that approached me asking me "Where is the class taking place on? I went down and I didn't see anyone" (because the class takes place on a food-court called Centro Universitario. It's basically a lounge with a Burger King where students can hang out or eat.) So I explained to her that the class is taking place just outside of the little theater (elevated area) next to the Burger King.
And we walked together very smoothly, the conversation went wonderful, I even told her how amazing her hair looked. Then we went through an outdoor stairway and we got there, we placed our yoga mats next to each other and we did the class next to each other.
At the end, I walked to the teacher said thank you, went back to put my shoes on, and then again back to Nicole (the teacher). What I "didn't" notice --and I say that with quotation marks, because I did notice-- is that the girl I met upon entrance lingered on, waiting for me secretly as I peeked to make sure she was not gone. Noticing my time was running out I noticed she went through the stairways again, so I pleaded goodbye to Nicole and I went as fast as I could to the stairways were Mónica, the girls name, had gone to.

The area where we practiced our yoga its just outside of the Student Center, the theater and Burger King are both sealed with metal bars which you can easily pass your hand through. Its a two floor building, but the area just outside the center, where skaters like to practice their tricks because of the wide space, is elevated, making the building a total of three floors. It then has three staircases; one in the middle right when you cum inside, one next to the bathroom which helps for an easy access to the theater and the outdoors area, and the last one helping the ground reach to the wide space where we had our yoga class. Since the center is surrounded by other departments (an office, natural sciences, general education) is very easily accesible from any area, so you could easily go from one corner to the other, from the entrance to the backside (the outside area, the one me and the girl had chosen), but she could have easily walked through the staircases inside and would have arrived to the entrance just as fast.

As I hoped down the stairs I noticed I was completely alone. She had vanished.
As I made myself upstairs to the entrance, there were other students passing, but she wasn't there.
I saw a car just leaving as I arrived there, for some reason I thought that could be her.
So I battled myself home with a thought that hasn't leaved me since yesterday: Damn.

Second Chapter

I have never looked so straight into a girls eye, she shook and gave me a flirty look. Damn... why did it have to be the one I have no interest on.

All the girls I like seem to be far from my reach. There are so many and so beautiful each one of them, my anger grows as I let them fly away into the void of space. Usually I start by loving them, then one day something amazing happens which could have easily translated into action, but nothing cums out of it. Then I grow a little bit angry and decide not to like her anymore, and a few days later when I see her, not as beautiful as I thought, I'm sad there was nothing between us and I collapse again into anger.

Girls:

1. is sexy and was nervous around me but seems to despise me.
2. is awkward.
3. is not my type.
4. is too fat.
5. is too far.
6. is too old.
7. is cute as fuck, but she sits too goddamn far away.
8. had an evil eye
9. has a crazy eye
10. caught me looking at her once and now thinks I want her to my baby mamma.
11. has a beautiful voice, but her friends are antisocial lesbian girls.
12. said something and I couldn't understand her.
13. now is not talking to me because of a rude comment I accidentally made, oh well.
14. walks when I walk, and we see each other regularly but we never say hi.
15. disappeared.
16. said she was going to be in yoga and wasn't. She approached me in front of everyone in class asking me "you name is Rhyme? right?" Across the classroom "have you ever considered being a radio host, your voice is amazing" I said thanks, that it wasn't the first time but now I would consider it. It was a very funny moment, actually. The girls in the classroom were talking (out of like 9 I think, 4 boys including me) and the girl who sits next to me, who I've come to share a few talks and a few laughs, friendly, asked me "what did Luis Felipe gave yesterday, Rhyme?" (she takes Modern and Postmodern studies with me, Luis Felipe is a very funny transgender professor, one of my favorite teachers.) To which I replied "What?" as I lifted my head from writing Chinese characters on my notebook, and, since the girls were all talking, they had paused as soon as the question was out, and they laughed at the sudden response of myself. I smiled at them, she asked again, and I answered --noticing that every girl was looking at me-- with my deepest voice. Then I kind of heard one of the girls saying "Rhyme?" but I didn't look and I kept conversation with the question girl right in fornt of me. As soon as I got out of the convo with the girl I turned to my left just to see a girl who used to take English class with me last year, and I girl I had approached a week ago --the one that told me she was going to yoga, but never went. She's beautiful, has such beautiful eyes and gorgeous skin, and a smile that makes you wonder how much more beautiful she must be rubbing my body against her and embracing the emptiness inside of me against her feminine beauty-- staring at me.

"Rhyme. Right? Thats your name. We took English together. I remember your deep voice, reminds me of my favorite Radio host. Remember how the teacher noticed your voice and started to interrogate you mid-class?" said the metal --dark and cool-- girl.

And I replied with a remark on the situation, which made the girls laugh. I remember looking around asking myself "that was funny?"

Then the yoga-liar girl said what she said, and I smiled and said thanks. The question girl came back again with another question and everyone sort of located their gazes elsewhere and suddenly I was back again to sitting on my desk thinking "this question girl ain't bad at all, she aint pretty but she considers me helpful and I enjoy that." And mid-conversation (she was doing most of the talk, I mean, all of the talk) I heard clearly --mark that-- the conversation between the girls who had approached me.

"bla bla bla such a voice, and the way he looks at you its bla bla bla" (she meant one time where I was looking at her deeply while doing a in-class work were we were paired. She kept saying "stop looking at me like that" with an embarrassed look on her face. I think I saved her from becoming a lesbian because she's no longer looking so lesbian-like, and her attitude was softer than before)

That was nice. Guess I had a good day yesterday.

Today is another story for another day, I gotta go back to bed.

 

[Rhyme]

It's like a vice versa effect. I don't trust them and they don't trust me. I don't invest they don't invest.
A homosexual from my Chinese class (he openly told me he was gay) and I became nice to each other. He, as many from my Chinese class always approach me before class in order to relieve some pain by talking about themselves or about something they love, with me. I haven't been so open to them, my passions are a mystery to them, they never ask so I keep it hidden. This guy, the homosexual guy, told me the other day as I left the Chinese Lab class "you look so cute when you practice Chinese" to which I softly, a bit confused, "that was so gay from your side" he laughed and then I turned around and kept walking with my awkward smile still hanging on my face. Since then he rarely approaches me and when he does he looks at me strangely while I smile trying to let him know "it don't matter".

 

[Rhyme]

Being alone is very tough, like taking a spoonful of peanut butter and trying to swallow it down. That's why I write here, to be part of the human world. Keeping quiet hurts. Everyone wants to listen themselves only, me included. I am un-enchanted with humanity, if thats a real word. Yet, the idea that I am here, and trusting myself to be real, I know that everywhere there's people filling the corners of life, never letting any piece of life to escape. Thats why I write here, to be part of that human world; to show that I am also working on it.

There has been an encounter with most everyone in this particular classroom -Chinese classroom-. I know them and they -struggle to- know me. But two girls on this classroom became my friends; one of them is an overweight girl with beautiful skin and beautiful hair color, the other is a skinny, almost bonely, girl with dark hair and dark skin (indigenous dark not afro-american dark)... I don't find myself attracted to them sexually, and it would take more than a roofie to make sleep with either of them. They are personally great people. I usually practice my Chinese, and I do oral presentations with them. I know they like me... like like me. I can see it in their eyes. And don't get me wrong, I love this. Few times I've been alone with either of them, but the last time I was alone with each of them, something strange occurred.

First, one side note:
I was out one day with both of them on the library studying and when we finished I suggested taking the back exit. When we arrived to the staircase there was a sign that read "do not use this exit", but it wasn't the first time me and the skinny one (we'll call her Blacky) had exited through it. Even as she pulled back a little, I pushed back forward and we made our exit. As we were walking a young man excitedly angry said "you cant go out through there". To which I calmly said "We already did". Then he started saying things, but due to his over-excitedness his words I could not understand, turning back I responded easily, looking at his eyes, through the mist of darkness, "What's the problem" He said "What?" In a very furious manner, as if I had said something about his mom. I slowly repeated myself and he finally said "Ah, keep walking, keep walking" as he kept walking from whence he came from.

The girls didn't say much about the encounter.

Second side note:
Blacky (I realized how poor-taste that sounds... the hell with it) had, previous nights before invited me and Reddie (the Amazing hair girl) to study on the library at 7:00pm... She had texted two messages that read as follows:

13:08 "Hello. How do you feel if we study on the evening?"
13:38 "I'm going to be with Reddie in the library today at 7 incase you want to join "

And I responded as follows:

14:37 "Blacky. today at 7 there's gong to be yoga on the uni, you're both invited to accompany me"

She immediately pushed forward with:

14:40 "Ok no problems. Thank you!"


Later I found out Reddie never did join her.

Third site note:
Blacky, Reddie and me had planned to meet on a Saturday to discuss our presentation for Monday. On saturday (17:13) I sent them (on a group chat) a message saying I was not to appear because it was laundry day (it was). The message didn't reach Blacky, but it did reach Reddie. Right at the time we had planned to meet (6pm), she texted me various messages:

17:48 "hello"
17:48 "Tell me when you're about to head out"
18:04 "I'm already going out"
18:14 "I'm in front of the library"

Seeing the messages I replied as quickly as possible:

18:21 "Blacky, I had sent a message, today is laundry day, I'm staying home!"

18:23 "I didn't receive your message. and can't you come a bit later?" Blacky texted.

18:24 "Do you have something to tell me?" I said.

18:26 "??"
18:27 "It's because we have to work the presentation but if you can't come that's ok I'll meet with Reddie"

My absence displeased Blacky more than Reddie.

Fourth, and last side note:
On the practice before the presentation Blacky had made a small sarcastic comment about me not arriving because of laundry. I ignored with a smile.

Continue:

After class, that same day, Blacky had told me a few things about herself. Her thoughts on marriage, on her family, on her lifestyle. Then, finally, after our conversation had reached a peak she said with a full-on teeth smile "I want to ask you something"
I said "ok, go ahead"
"On Saturday, did you actually had laundry day?"
With a skeptical look ruined with a smile I said "You think I'm lying to you?"
She then headed to tell me about responsibility and letting others know before you decide to change plans.

This small rant made me feel bad, I said "There are certain things in life that aren't certain, and sometimes events happen. Laundry day happened, it may not been a regular Laundry day, but thats the easiest way I can explain to you why I couldn't make it."
She then with a hard smile proceded to say the usual "I know, but..." And I finally said, "Tell you something, next time I'll text you one hour before if I can't come" Which sounds ironic, because I kind of did that, but for her it made sense, which made me feel like she was interested in controlling me. That didn't make me feel good, but I wasn't gonna let an idea ruin our friendship.

On another day, however, after class was over, I saw Reddie and Blacky sitting down together on a bench. Those days I was not very energetic and didn't spend much time talking, but I decided to sit down and have a conversation with them. Reddie spoke about her work till finally her roommate appeared and invited us to eat, both Blacky and me refused. I refused because I wasn't carrying my wallet with me (I didn't mention this, I just nodded and smiled) and Blacky told me she refused because she "didn't like the pizza where the roommates where planning to go".

After that, Blacky confessed to me that she was sick, but we kept talking for a while until we ended on the topic of Death, particularly the topic of suicide. The topic (death) to me seems funny because I haven't experienced it, moreover, though I don't laugh at others who try to suicide, I do laugh about the idea of suicide and I'm very open about my ideas towards it. Blacky isn't the same. She told me she preffered not to talk about this because it made her uncomfortable. To which I respectfully asked why. She didn't want to tell me.

Later, on the same conversation, I found out that Blacky had been through a bad relationship and that she's 25. I asked her if she had dropped out of collegue since she was 25 and was still working n her bachelors degree. She refused to answer and said that this was something that made sad and thats the reason she never told anyone her age.

Feeling a bit down on the conversation I stopped asking questions and Blacky started.
She mentioned the event of the "Exit", the night of the angry man, to which I asked: "Was there anything wrong with that?"
She said "I didn't like it"

The rest of the conversation is a blurr, most of it went the usual way with her stating why I was wrong, and me trying to explain to her that for me it wasn't a big deal, and that the only problem was that the boy was over-heated over such a little thing. She agreed, but kept pushing forward with her "responsible" lifestyle. Realizing I was wasting my time, I looked the other way and she noticed. She said "Are you mad now?" Looking back at her I realized she was smiling (full-on teeth) and I had to get the hell away from there, and so I did.

After this, our relationship has been sort of uncomfortable. I always try yo keep it light though (as if nothing happened), but I have made some few comments that thinking back may have angered her. Comments not entitled to offend her yet they do because she perceives it in another way. For instance, this one time I brought up in the conversation the movie "Guardians of the Galaxy" both me and Reddie agreed that it was the most fun movie we've seen, but Blacky said it was boring, so I said "Maybe thats because you're from a different generation" Then, another time (yesterday to be precise) Reddie and Blacky were saying how they had been out eating sushi (they had invited me after practice, but I refused because I was tired) and both Reddie and me agreed that sushi was one of our favorites food, and Blacky said that she didn't like it. I said suddenly "What epoch are you from?"

There, I realized my mistake, the comments were sarcastic and weren't well recieved by her. Today, before class, instead of sitting next to her (on a wall) as usual, I decided to take some sun. She, strangely, walked away and arrived at class with Reddie just when the time was on for class. The reason is the following:

Yesterday, I invited both Reddie and Blacky into eating sushi again, Blacky refused stating that she had work, so instead me and Reddie planned to go out together. Minutes before class was over I said to Reddie (privately, without Blacky hearing) that since tomorrow we were having an exam we better skip sushi and head to the library to study. She agreed with a sad face.

We practiced and had tons of fun at the library. She told me plenty of stuff about her, and my favorite thing was that she wasn't trying to hide who she was. Sometimes I would say an idea about life, for example, and she would respond disagreeing with me, yet we ended up laughing a couple of times.

At the end of it she offered me a ride home (I live fairly close to the university) and she left me home with a cheek kiss and a disappointed smile.

When I arrived home I quickly fell into bed and thought about the moment of the kiss and how it felt so sexual, but how I still wouldn't risk doing anything with her no matter how incredibly sexual I might be. On the same course of thought a sudden idea popped up: "What if she says she likes me? What am I going to do" To which I explained myself what I would do if such a thing happened, which I hoped wouldn't happen. Then, seconds later (literally) I receive a few messages from her:

22:22 "Thank you for today's chitchat. In reality I'd like if we had more of these, but you're a bit complicated."
22:22 "But it's not like I dislike that, in fact everytime you attract me more."
22:24 "This is by no means something usual on my person, but even from you I've learned that there are some risks that are worth taking."

Previously on my life, in high school, I was in love with a girl and I had told her that. Her reaction was awkward (friendly, because she was very energetic by then, but awkward) not being able to show me that she valued me as a person and that I wasn't being a dumbass by telling her this. Unfortunately, this girl and I stopped being so close because I was mad at her and she always came with a smile as if nothing had happened. Sure, I was surprised with Reddie's message, but I knew what I had to do.

I knew I had to make her feel as special as she was making me feel, yet without taking much noticed about her desperate move. Playing with words I sent her this message:

22:28 "I also like you* Reddie, and it feels good to talk with someone about unsual things there are little of the people that also attract me and I like having in my life, because they make it better with their presence. Thank you, and sleep well."
22:31 "We'll talk another day "

* (Literally: "me caes bien". "You fall good on me" is a way of expressing acceptance in Spanish on a friendly way, it can never be misinterpreted, with double meaning, like saying "I like you" but thats the best way to translate it. Another way of translating it would be "You're cool man" but this isn't as soft in comparison with the situation)

She saw the messages and was probably embaressed. I think she might have told Blacky to accompany her before class. This didn't make me feel so well.


I got plenty of more current events to share but I think this is a lot!

再见！

Rhyme

 

[Rhyme]

Truth is, I love this forum. The freedom to be myself is greater than that which I have in my daily life. Writing I am someone with an opinion and an experience, out there I'm just human. I make mistakes, I entangle myself in them and I sleep with them if I have the chance. My anger is my best friend though because of it I have made millions of mistakes and I've felt this disgusting feeling in my chest. My anger helps me do what I should have done before, it shows me I'm late and I have to do something. But the mistake comes when I choose to do what I'm supposed to do still carrying some anger.

For instance, I may realize all of the sudden how little recognition I'm getting for my work, so my anger comes in to knock on my door and tell me I have to go out there and make things the way I want them. But since the anger has shown me the way, I grab it, carry it and head towards my destination. With anger I choose to be too abrupt and it ends with the opposite of what I wanted. Yet, since I'm a positivist (always have been) I choose to look at the outcome of my anger as my destiny (that which was gonna and should have happened).

Recently I was a bit angry, or rather disappointed, at what happened with the girls from my last post, but I decided to play it smart, not commit the same mistake twice, so instead I let it fly. I said hi to the girls the next day as usual, but didn't commit to a conversation. As I was leaving lab class the homosexual guy (the one who stopped talking to me) suddenly starts to have a conversation with me, which I found rather confusing but I was grateful that I was at least having a conversation, especially in a day that I was feeling very down. Then, out of the lab class, comes Blacky and Reddie trying to join the conversation. This was Reddie's way of trying to establish a conversation again with me, but due to my mood that day I skipped in a matter of seconds and I gave my farewells to the guy.

Reddie sent me a message yesterday saying how she had sent a reply to my past message but it wasn't delivered. I replied saying it was ok and a smily face to accentuate that it was ok. I do hope it is ok between us, I don't feel comfortable having no friends on a classroom like Chinese where having friends actually helps a lot. Even though others like me, and I like them, I'm very picky with whom to share moments with. Besides, if they both kept their funny awkward games it would grow tiering for the next year and half that we have left of Chinese.