Deep dive - the ex and the looming recent relationship as a topic : how to?

[lux7]

I have met two different girls in the last couple of weeks, both having painfully ended a serious relationship recently.

First one was easy to either avoid it or talk about it in an "helpful" way: she had a lot going on in her life, wanted to enjoy our time together and move on and all the stories about her ex were disparaging towards him and for a laugh's sake (ie.: he would send friends to spy on her and we'd laugh about it).

Second one it was extremely difficult not to talk about it and extremely difficult to talk about it in an helpful way: she was deeply affected by it, likely still in love, not having much going on in her life, would have gone back to him and most other topics were intertwined with her last relationship (ie.: "what do you like doing" is split in "during relationship" and "now", with now being an empty canvass).
Note: it was even harder to avoid because I had asked the break up question first since her friend handed her over to me, which made me think she wanted to help her get back in the game (good read there BTW).


HOW NOT TO

-"are you still in love / do you still have feelings for him"
These kind of questions on her feelings towards the ex, even if seemingly befitting during the conversation bring nothing good: perilous because it makes her think about him and, if the answer is yes, it's a triple blow: positive associations toward him, bad feelings on being with you romantically, and moves you perilously towards friend's shoulder to cry on

-"would you go back to him"
as much as that would help you getting to know where she stands, that's the ultimate no-go as a "yes" would make you second fiddle in a heartbeat and that's a friend's question
BTW, face palm, I actually asked that question

How not to, I would guess, revolves around not being a shoulder to cry on, not making her build positive associations with her ex, not consoling her saying stupid shit like "it's gonna be ok sweetheart".


But... How would you go about such a topic when it's a looming huge thing for her and you can't get to know her without broaching it?


HOW TO

I have a couple of ideas but I'd like to listen from you...

 

[Drck]

Simple answer is avoid those topics about her being with her ex BF, change the subject asap or at least ignore it. She is with you, she should be thinking about you and not about other guys. You are a new man in her life thus she should be creating positive memories being with you, not reinforcing memories with her ex. The longer you talk about her being with him, the longer she will be thinking about the other guy in stead of you.

So you sort of want to neutralize her feelings towards him, make their relationship seem unimportant by not paying too much attention to it. You don't want to paint him negatively because you would lower your value by talking crap about other people. At the same time you want to raise your value in a sense "hey, I'm here, lets forget all the past crap and have a great time".


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For example:

She: "Me and my ex used to go to to the movies a lot, I really loved it. I saw this ABC movie, it was really good". She's now replaying in her mind memories about when they sat in the movies, held their hands and then were kissing, maybe later on fucking, so you wan to break that chain of thoughts.

You: "Hm, that's good, some movies are good". Shrug shoulders, yawn. "There is this new movie coming out, XYZ, I'll definitely go see it, based on previews it must be quite interesting, exciting". Talk little bit about something else to change the topic, then: "Hey, why don't we go get ice cream, there is the new place I've discovered recently. On the way back we can stop in bookstore. Btw, I need to get more money, I got to stop in my place. Let's go!"

So now you disrupted her thought about her with him in the movies and doing things afterwards, and you suggested that there are other, new and exciting things to see and do in the future. You suggested other exciting things to do, new ice cream place, bookstore - and just BTW, stopping at your place...

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You are simply different guy, you like different things, and she will have different life with you. She should be busy thinking about doing different things with you, and not about being with him. In the future, once your relationship is more solid (you slept with her couple of times), you can listen more about her ex, but only if she brings the topic up. I would just listen, not necessary try to dig out details because you may be easily perceived as needy, jealous and insecure...

So you sort of want to do little bit different things for now than she was doing with the other guy, so she can clearly distinguish between you two, and - hopefully - see that you are much better choice...

 

[lux7]

Yeah, good point man.

I wonder if there's also a constructive way to engage in such a topic -at it really seemed difficult to avoid on the spot- or if it's just a complete nono?