Deep diving used on you

[Searcher]

I had a recent experience where a guy I met was trying to deep dive me without sharing much about himself.

I started thinking that the guy is shady and is mostly trying to get something from me.

This experience makes me think whether using deep diving with other people without sharing much about me would make them feel the same.

Would you say that deep dive is best reserved for women and Deep diving more socially and power aware folks will most likely backfire.

 

[StrayDog]

Deep diving, when appropriate, is always positive. But no one likes a one sided conversation. It definitely feels shady and vulnerable when you are being super real with someone and they seem to be withholding. I have found though that once I got good at deep diving often times people will just open up and I have to say very little about my self. But this isn't because I am with holding. Its because I relate personal info about my self through the lens of what they are saying and the conversation moves in a direction that makes them comfortable to kind of just let lose. Conversation is kind of like playing music with someone don't play too much, don't play too little and always respond to them in a way that makes context towards what you are creating together. Often times a good deep dive is like the bass player hanging back and letting he guitarist solo. You're still holding a groove, but you just let them shine. And sometimes if the song calls for it and they hold it down you throw down a solo. But I generally like to play the role of the bass player. Being more supportive and holding down the rhythm and groove. This is rare. Most people want to play guitar. Its refreshing when someone is solid at playing bass (we are still using metaphors here) and because people don't encounter a good bass player much these days they generally tend to want to open up. And then when the groove is really kicking and they get a chance to solo. They will happily oblige and actually be greatful you are not saying too much.

All that being said its fine to deep dive on all sorts of types of connections. its just gonna have a very different flavor, context, and level of depth

 

[William Wallace]

I had a recent experience where a guy I met was trying to deep dive me without sharing much about himself.

I started thinking that the guy is shady and is mostly trying to get something from me.

This experience makes me think whether using deep diving with other people without sharing much about me would make them feel the same.

Would you say that deep dive is best reserved for women and Deep diving more socially and power aware folks will most likely backfire.

deep dive an autist and he will fall in love with you lol

 

[Regal Tiger]

I had a recent experience where a guy I met was trying to deep dive me without sharing much about himself.

I started thinking that the guy is shady and is mostly trying to get something from me.

This experience makes me think whether using deep diving with other people without sharing much about me would make them feel the same.

Would you say that deep dive is best reserved for women and Deep diving more socially and power aware folks will most likely backfire.

Depends on the vibe of the person. I suspect the vibe/energy was lower and you could tell that he wasn't all that personally interested in you as a human being. That throws up alarm bells in your head saying "what does this person want?"

Or you're just a paranoid person. I've certainly been there.



In addition, he might not have had any social context/glue for what he was talking to you about or asking about or even being around you in the first place. For example, if you're deep diving a girl on the date you don't have to socially finagle your way into creating context for what you want to ask about. Because that context is already provided via the date itself. It's socially accepted and expected that you learn about each other.

But, imagine this scenario (which I'm not using in a deep diving context but rather a chit-chat context so you can see what I'm talking about easier):

You're at a wedding event and some guy you don't know comes up to you and starts asking you questions:
1/Him: Hey man, you having fun?
2/You: Uh.. yeah, good times
1: Nice, well what do you think about the food here?
2: It's good I guess
1: Cool, cool, and what about the band?
2: Uhhh... I guess it was alright. But hey it was nice meeting you but I gotta go check up on my friend. Later


Kinda weird right? That's because he came at you in a way where he clearly had an agenda and was just firing off questions, almost like a survey. He didn't put up any threatening alarm bells and even seemed like an alright fellow. But you could tell he wasn't all that into you for you. Which means that he didn't have any social glue to be talking to you and neither did he create any and finally, he wasn't even interested in your answers which is a big conversational no-no.

Which is fine, because now go back to the wedding event and instead imagine a different guy walking up to you to talk to you:
1: Hey man, real quick I'm working for the event company that organized this entire wedding, do you mind if I ask you a few things for two minutes?
2: That's fine
1: Well first of all, are you having a good time?
2: Yeah it's a good time
1: Nice, well what do you think about the food here?
2: It's good
1: Cool, cool and finally, what about the band?
2: Yeah it's a good rock band. They did alright


Suddenly it's not quite as weird, is it?

That's because the second guy created social glue/context for why he was trying to pick your brain (as well as other stuff like a time bridge but I won't go there). He was working the event and his boss probably wants him to ask random guests these dumbass questions. You can tell he's not really into it but it has nothing to do with you, which is fine because it's his job to do it and you understand that.

Now, we can go into how he could have made some witty comments or follow-up questions so it wasn't quite as robotic, but even still you understand why he's there, why he's asking you questions and it doesn't even matter if he's interested in you as a human being (doesn't mean sexually/romantically, just on a human level)



The reason for this is because of creepiness. Creepiness is basically a feeling of psychological discomfort or even pain (term: cognitive dissonance). The reason that you get cognitive dissonance is because your conscious mind (the dumb part) doesn't see any red flags of behavior going on. There's nothing threatening you or anything like that. But something doesn't quite feel right...

Even if you don't ask yourself the question with the first example guy of 'why is he here?' your subconscious mind has already asked that question 5 minutes ago. Why is this guy here? Are we about to be mugged??? We don't know... and the unknown is dangerous! We gotta warn our conscious mind immediately! Which then turns into cognitive dissonance/brain discomfort which gets translated into creepiness. Which is what you felt when that guy tried to deep dive you.


However, had there been greater social glue between you then it most likely would have been alright.

Or again, maybe you're just a paranoid person lmao. It happens

 

[Regal Tiger]

It wouldn't let me edit my post to add more stuff to it :'(

So here's my edit that I tried to put in the above post:

EDIT: Cool example I forgot to mention about the difference between being creeped out and being full on threatened


Imagine a dark alley that you have to walk through. There's nobody around that you can see but yet... you feel off when you go through here.

The reason is because there aren't any immediate signs of danger but there are a bunch of unknowns because you can't see the entire alley. If it were noon during the day and you could see everything you wouldn't feel nearly as creeped out by this alley. And that's because there aren't as many question marks. Your brain feels safe in knowing that there's nobody around and so it doesn't put you into high alert (cognitive dissonance/brain pain)

But at night, you don't know if someone's hiding around the corner or in the dumpster just waiting to ambush you. Therefore your subconscious mind gives you the creeps so that you'll be on high alert.


And now with that in mind, let's go to a different alley. It's just as dark and you can't see as much around you. But there's a guy that you don't know who just approached you with a gun pointing directly at you.

Question; do you feel creeped out by the guy with the gun?

No, you feel threatened and in danger.


That's the difference between feeling creeped out and feeling threatened. When you feel threatened you KNOW there's a threat and you likely know what it is. And your body pumps you full of adrenaline and other drugs. You are on omega red alert. But you don't feel creeped out.

So in a way, you can imagine that the creeps are just a low level of threat of the unknown. It's because there are unanswered questions floating around and your subconscious mind wants you to be aware of them. There's no reason to pump you full of drugs to be on full alert just yet... but it definitely wants you more alert than normal.

And a good portion of the time, at least socially, you're never even going to understand why (same thing applies to chicks we approach btw). She gets the creeps because she feels a little threatened in some way but probably doesn't understand why.

 

[Chase]

@Sully,

In addition to the good stuff RT already shared, let me also ask this:

I had a recent experience where a guy I met was trying to deep dive me without sharing much about himself.

I started thinking that the guy is shady and is mostly trying to get something from me.

Is there a reason you weren't asking him things about himself? Or was he evasive when you asked?

Did he not relate back to you in any way and tell you little stories about himself that showed he related to what you shared?

You should not be evading questions while deep diving, and you SHOULD be relating back to the woman's experiences with little stories of your own. The only time you don't do this is when she just goes on a big gab-fest and tells you everything about herself and you're escalating in other ways in the meantime -- then you know she's just a girl who doesn't care about knowing you at all and is already sold on you or just looking for a guy she can chat to who will lead her forward.

If you just ask a bunch of questions to someone, never relate to that person, evade his questions if he asks them, and he's just sitting there like an interviewee, just answering your questions, then yeah, that will be weird.

I wouldn't call that "deep diving" personally... though I guess it technically is, if you're diving deep into someone's stuff... but without the peripheral connection-building supports it's just a deep one-sided interview.

Chase

 

[Searcher]

Thanks and appreciation for all your responses.

I do see that he was very evasive and was mostly shooting questions.

Or again, maybe you're just a paranoid person lmao. It happens

I am told many times that I am a bit paranoid. It's mostly because people say I have a very skeptical look on my face and I take a couple seconds more to respond.

Maybe it's due to the time I spent as an undercover agent taking down cartels.