Depressed girlfriend

[Huge Jack Man]

Imma make it very simple. This girl I started dating really recently I realised is quite depress and at first we used to stay up at night and just talk about different fun stuff but now everytime we FaceTime or meet, it’s all about depressing stuff and idk what to do anymore. It’s really draining. And i wish I could help her out and stuff and I’m not tryna be unsupportive as a boyfriend but it has just gotten to the point where it’s just so draining that anytime I wanna have some nice quality time with her, all she has to talk about are her problems and idk what to do anymore. Whether to just keep listening or there’s a way I can lighten the whole convo. A lot of times she doesn’t even listen to my suggestions (and I have heard it’s just the depression) but I just wanna know if I’m supposed to be listening to her complain all day and be quiet or have something to say

 

[Lover]

If you're up for it, tell her in a pleasant way that you can't be around her when she keeps talking about depressing stuff because it is draining. And also mention that she risks you will withdraw more of your attention. She should know and understand the risks of continuing this behavior. She might argue with you, but here you must stand your ground and let her know you need to think about yourself as well. If you're supposed to consider her side, then isn't she supposed to do the same?

If telling her doesn't work, or if she returns to her usual patterns eventually, then you withdraw more of your attention whenever she tries to go into depressing topics. Answer less. Listen less. Be more disinterested. End the FaceTime calls sooner. But give her attention whenever it's uplifting conversation and reward her that way

If withdrawing your attention is not working, or she attempts to get your attention in more dramatic ways, it's time to consider if you should leave her

Are you not up for it? Leave her immediately and meet new girls

Also, consider if something changed about yourself or the relationship before she became this way. Maybe it's a response to something you weren't aware of. How is the chemistry? How is the sex? Is she lacking something she got in the beginning?

 

[gameboy]

^^ great advice

Also, to me it sounds like it's very early in the relationship with this girl. So this behaviour is a bit of a red flag. Some people are just emotional vampires, and draining to be around. Is she one of those?

Therapy might help her if she's up for it. Also, you might want to consider what her mother is like. Is the mother also a depressed person? Maybe she learned this behaviour from her.

And no, you're not "supposed to" be around someone who makes you feel bad. If the relationship is draining for you then you are free to leave.

Not saying you should cut her off, I think it's awesome if you want to help her. Like Adventurer said, if you're up for it. But keep in mind that for this stuff to improve, your girlfriend also has to *want* to change.

 

[Atlas IV]

Imma make it very simple. This girl I started dating really recently I realised is quite depress and at first we used to stay up at night and just talk about different fun stuff but now everytime we FaceTime or meet, it’s all about depressing stuff and idk what to do anymore. It’s really draining. And i wish I could help her out and stuff and I’m not tryna be unsupportive as a boyfriend but it has just gotten to the point where it’s just so draining that anytime I wanna have some nice quality time with her, all she has to talk about are her problems and idk what to do anymore. Whether to just keep listening or there’s a way I can lighten the whole convo. A lot of times she doesn’t even listen to my suggestions (and I have heard it’s just the depression) but I just wanna know if I’m supposed to be listening to her complain all day and be quiet or have something to say

I've had that situation before. If it's getting bad, I believe you have to be very firm that although you sympathize with her, you are not her personal therapist.

It's a sad truth that there are a lot of depressed, broken girls out there. As lovers, we can support them in times of need, but it's not our responsibility to "fix" them.

Often the depression stems from some trauma in the past that can only be resolved through therapy. I suggest being honest with her about how you feel, that it's draining you and bringing the relationship down for the both of you. If she doesn't get it and start to change her behaviour, it's probably time to move on.

 

[Bill]

When women are upset they vent to relieve stress, you can try reframing it in your mind as helping her by listening her to complain and you’ll interpret it as less draining as you feel like you’re helping.

You can try telling her to try removing refined grains and refined sugars from her diet, they can worsen depression. She can also try taking vitamin D or Lithium orotate.

 

[Lover]

When women are upset they vent to relieve stress, you can try reframing it in your mind as helping her by listening her to complain and you’ll interpret it as less draining as you feel like you’re helping.

I tried this approach.

As time goes on, you just don't have that kind of energy and patience because you want to focus on yourself and be around more upbeat people.

And when you meet an emotional vampire, you are quick to conclude that you are incompatible

 

[Huge Jack Man]

If you're up for it, tell her in a pleasant way that you can't be around her when she keeps talking about depressing stuff because it is draining. And also mention that she risks you will withdraw more of your attention. She should know and understand the risks of continuing this behavior. She might argue with you, but here you must stand your ground and let her know you need to think about yourself as well. If you're supposed to consider her side, then isn't she supposed to do the same?

If telling her doesn't work, or if she returns to her usual patterns eventually, then you withdraw more of your attention whenever she tries to go into depressing topics. Answer less. Listen less. Be more disinterested. End the FaceTime calls sooner. But give her attention whenever it's uplifting conversation and reward her that way

If withdrawing your attention is not working, or she attempts to get your attention in more dramatic ways, it's time to consider if you should leave her

Are you not up for it? Leave her immediately and meet new girls

Also, consider if something changed about yourself or the relationship before she became this way. Maybe it's a response to something you weren't aware of. How is the chemistry? How is the sex? Is she lacking something she got in the beginning?

Thanks a lot mate. I have to agree that it is mostly because of her past trauma. I have been implementing what you said and although I didn’t say it outright that she should stop complaining, I encouraged her to start doing something about her problems and I’m there to support her however I can. I act disinterested when it goes on too long or just replace the topic immediately with something more upbeat and that has been working on my part tbh. I don’t feel as drained as I used to!

But then I started thinking, I’ve been thinking about the power dynamics of our relationship a lot after this post. Does the fact that I’m willing to listen to her vent and all that make me the one-up or one-down in the relationship? She’s always the one calling first and texting first. I personally don’t have that much baggage to vent on. Besides sex, I don’t really see much benefit I’m deriving. It kinda sounds like she needs me more than I need her but does it mean that I’m investing more than her when I willingly answer these phone calls and we talk about her issues (even though we do flirt and talk about other stuff but some days it’s mostly about her stuff)?

 

[Huge Jack Man]

I've had that situation before. If it's getting bad, I believe you have to be very firm that although you sympathize with her, you are not her personal therapist.

It's a sad truth that there are a lot of depressed, broken girls out there. As lovers, we can support them in times of need, but it's not our responsibility to "fix" them.

Often the depression stems from some trauma in the past that can only be resolved through therapy. I suggest being honest with her about how you feel, that it's draining you and bringing the relationship down for the both of you. If she doesn't get it and start to change her behaviour, it's probably time to move on.

Thanks mate! Yeahh I have encouraged her to see a therapist and initially she wasn’t open to it but now she is. She’s just saving up money to do so and I usually just try to change the topic to something more upbeat

 

[Huge Jack Man]

^^ great advice

Also, to me it sounds like it's very early in the relationship with this girl. So this behaviour is a bit of a red flag. Some people are just emotional vampires, and draining to be around. Is she one of those?

Therapy might help her if she's up for it. Also, you might want to consider what her mother is like. Is the mother also a depressed person? Maybe she learned this behaviour from her.

And no, you're not "supposed to" be around someone who makes you feel bad. If the relationship is draining for you then you are free to leave.

Not saying you should cut her off, I think it's awesome if you want to help her. Like Adventurer said, if you're up for it. But keep in mind that for this stuff to improve, your girlfriend also has to *want* to change.

I don’t really know much about her mom but I’ll ask. She does seem open about therapy now so I’m hoping going down that path can change things

 

[Dimension]

Good day!

What are her concerns? It really depends on the depth of the problems.
Best you can do yourself is indentify problems, because if you don't know roots of the depression, how can you solve these problems?
I would recommend her to write down specificly, what are her main concerns?

Giving emotional support is tough indeed, that's why most men are rather giving support financially and not being there for their women, because it's draining..
It's a good sign she is opening up though and not letting herself deal with those problems alone.

 

[Lover]

I don’t feel as drained as I used to!

I'm happy to hear that it's more to your liking now than before!

But then I started thinking, I’ve been thinking about the power dynamics of our relationship a lot after this post. Does the fact that I’m willing to listen to her vent and all that make me the one-up or one-down in the relationship? She’s always the one calling first and texting first. I personally don’t have that much baggage to vent on. Besides sex, I don’t really see much benefit I’m deriving. It kinda sounds like she needs me more than I need her but does it mean that I’m investing more than her when I willingly answer these phone calls and we talk about her issues (even though we do flirt and talk about other stuff but some days it’s mostly about her stuff)?

IMO, listening to your girlfriend doesn't really contribute to the power dynamics. It's more of a proof that you have a more harmonic relationship than not. Because if you didn't, you wouldn't spend time listening to her. In the rare case that a guy listens to his girl because he is afraid she will leave him or get mad if he doesn't listen, he may be the one-down.

However, I think it's better to view this relationship not through a lens of power dynamics, but whether you like to be in it, and whether its beneficial for you. She's investing more in you than you are in her. And it seems like she needs you more. To me, this sounds like you are the one-up overall