Depression sometimes over not having success

[TomGray]

Hey, guys, I'm writing this while on the tail end of a bad funk. I sometimes get these funks and it's always the same thought that triggers them: that I've never had a girlfriend, sex, or a date since last year. This time, I was coming back from a movie and I saw a sexy blonde hugging warmly with a guy. They hugged tenderly several more times before parting. I thought to myself how I've never had anything like that which made me manifest the negative thought that I never will have anything like that and I'll never be loved. (This is hard to type). I got lower and lower until I was crying in the car in my driveway. All the time, I was manifesting negative thoughts of me failing with girls and even negative thoughts that never happened. I even got into self-pitying thoughts (hate those).

I'm tired of being on a stimulation ride: happy when I'm successful with girls, sad when I'm not.Even worse, sad when I THINK about being unsuccessful. I want to be constant with my emotions. I know about Ricardus' X-factor mental training. Maybe I should give that a go more? Have you guys had results with it?

Anyway, what I'm really trying to ask is have you guys ever felt this way and, if so, how have you handled it? I feel like I'm almost putting on a mask when I go out and be confident, that this insecure person is who I really am on the inside and I'm tired of being that and tired of having to conceal it and not being able to tell anybody.

As always, would love to hear what you all think.

 

[Pato]

Hey Tom,

I know how you feel. I don't know if I'd have what you would call depression, but I'd get angry and upset over something like hearing about a friend of mine's hook-ups at parties. Even parties in general, that I wouldn't get invited to but some of my other friends would. I wouldn't tell anyone of course, and I'd feel really down for a couple days, go back to normal for awhile, and then I'd get upset again. It kind of felt like a never-ending cycle. Sometimes I wouldn't even need that much of a trigger. Anyways, that was a little while ago (before I found this site), and I slowly got over it. I never tried to get any help or talked to anyone about it, so I'm not really sure what it was. I guess how I actually dealt with it was found something I loved doing (in my case jiu-jitsu) and spending a lot of time doing that. I also started lifting weights more, and while I was never insecure about my body, it made me more confident. Exercise also releases endorphins, which are chemicals cause a positive feeling in the body. But every now and again, I'll get those feelings again (mainly about lack of success with girls), and come straight here to try and slowly improve.

As for what I'd suggest for you, I'd say that Ricardus's articles are a good place to start. I haven't read it in complete detail yet (but should be getting there soon), but I know it has a lot of really useful info and advice. It helps you learn to control your emotions and transfer those to the women you want, which has two advantages. It talks about using different parts of your brain to trigger certain emotions and feelings, and that in reality you are ultimately the one that controls what you're feeling. It's really in-depth and detailed and that's a good place to start. I'd also say checking out Chase's article on how to get over depression, as that should help a good bit. Also, like I said before, find something you love doing, and spend a lot of time doing it. As long as you don't overdo it and don't overwork yourself, it can get your mind off those negative feelings that you have and onto something positive. Once you realize that you have gotten really good at something, that in itself will make you a more secure and confident person, but will also make it easier to master other things. So you also might want to look at Chase's article on how to master anything, if you think that will help.

One last thing, you have to remember to have outcome independence (and try to get an abundance mentality) and don't let yourself get too down after a failed situation with a girl. Remember that this whole thing is a huge process, and it takes a long time and a lot of effort to get better, but the fact that you are putting yourself in these situations is making you improve and learn more and more. So yeah, maybe you get blown out a few times or get flakes, or whatever, but keep working at it. I haven't even been doing this that long, but I feel more motivated in everything that I do and I just feel happier in general. And once you are going for awhile, your results will take off, and then you will be more satisfied.

If you have any other questions, let me know, and I'm sure some of the others will be glad to help also.
Cheers,
-Pato

 

[Franco]

Tom,

I thought to myself how I've never had anything like that which made me manifest the negative thought that I never will have anything like that and I'll never be loved. (This is hard to type). I got lower and lower until I was crying in the car in my driveway. All the time, I was manifesting negative thoughts of me failing with girls and even negative thoughts that never happened. I even got into self-pitying thoughts (hate those).

There's something that really helped me out in situations like this, and I even thought of doing a post on it awhile back (among many other ideas that I never really had time to just sit down and type up). There's a little trick that professional athletes in sports such as football or basketball use to really get them in the right mindset before they go "guns-a-blazin'," and that little trick is called building momentum.

If you've ever watched football before, you'll notice that, often, the quarterback of the team starts out by running plays that are "extremely low effort" with usually positive results (although minimally positive). These include short, 3-5 yard passes that have a high percentage of completion so that he can get into a rhythm where he feels confident and comfortable, and then he'll start taking chances by throwing deep passes all the way down the field for huge gains. The early momentum from the small passes helps him get in rhythm and establish a high level of confidence so that he can complete the long passes. The same technique can be applied to seduction.

Chase actually touches on this topic in terms of approach anxiety; he mentions that you should go out and start talking to girls immediately so that you can build "momentum" and really start gaining confidence as you approach more and more girls over the course of the night. The earlier you start, the better you'll be toward the end of the night. However, this idea of "momentum" can carry over to longer-term aspects of seduction too. Particularly, I am referring to going for "easier" lays to build up some confidence and remind yourself that you do in fact know what you are doing, and you can be successful in accomplishing your goals. So, for example, if you've been only approaching women that are absolute bombshells (9s and 10s), then you might not even realize that your game might not even be 100% when you approach them because you don't even have experience taking home girls that are 7s or 8s.

So if you still haven't had much "sexual" success yet, I suggest you maybe tone down your standards a bit so that you can build this momentum first. Get some experience under your belt in the full cycle of a seduction from opening to close, and then you'll begin to really feel more confident when you approach those women that you were probably putting on too much of a pedestal to nail down before you even made the approach.

For more information, Chase has an article on this topic:

Lower Your Standards (and Date Hotter Girls)

Keep your chin up! Just the fact that you've been approaching women regularly already puts you ahead of more than 50% of the people on this board, so you're making progress.

Cheers,

Franco

 

[TomGray]

Thanks, buds. I guess my standards HAVE been too high. All this self-improvement made me think that I was at a level higher than I am. Maybe this is a watershed moment for me in my seduction career. I should learn to like myself more and realize that my personal worth is more valuable than if lots of girls like me. It's all about personal happiness. If I was the idol of women everywhere, but hated myself, what good would that be? Thanks again for the help, good to get outside perspective (It's like Franco is always coming to my rescue )

 

[mkivtt]

I'm tired of being on a stimulation ride: happy when I'm successful with girls, sad when I'm not.Even worse, sad when I THINK about being unsuccessful. I want to be constant with my emotions.

Anyway, what I'm really trying to ask is have you guys ever felt this way and, if so, how have you handled it? I feel like I'm almost putting on a mask when I go out and be confident, that this insecure person is who I really am on the inside and I'm tired of being that and tired of having to conceal it and not being able to tell anybody.

As always, would love to hear what you all think.

You aren't the only one... my life is an emotional rollercoaster. The four major ups and downs:

1) I meet a girl and have the courage to approach her, I feel good, even if it doesn't go that well. Up.
2) I meet a girl but don't approach her for whatever reason, I will feel like crap for not making the move. Down.
3) When I see, call or text a girl from category 1) more regularly and she's clearly having a good time. Major up.
4) When a girl from category 3) starts showing less interest, or friend zones me, or I feel I'm losing control and it ends up being another failure.... Major down.

That last category hurts more than anything. I HATE feeling like that... I HATE it. It can break me for weeks on end when I liked the girl. Yeah whatever, call it oneitis, call me stupid, but when you don't have 5 dates a week and don't meet that many decent single women to begin with because you're 37 (as I am) and don't really have friends or a social circle, the ones you do find MATTER and it's hard to be "cool" and "act like you have abundance." Sure, I understand the theory and try... I laugh, play, tease, flirt, act confident, I think I do everything you're supposed to... but maybe they see right through me, or maybe it's simply a numbers game and I just don't meet enough women to find the one that digs me. I don't really have more than a date per month... and usually less than that.

I think I'm a decent guy... 5'11", 160 lbs, in decent shape, I exercise, and an working on gaining weight and starting some bodybuilding... I dress very well... make sure I am always well groomed and clean... I'm smart, make 140K a year, have a great job, own a home, no debt, 500K in the bank, have goals and ambition... I make good conversation with women I like... yet somehow I am still single.

Seeing everyone around me with a girl is another thing that really crushes my spirits. Sure many of those women are not attractive, but there are many guys I know who are slobs, dorks, who can't carry a conversation, who are just everything the PUA manual says you shouldn't be, with a nice, pretty girl... damn man, it just brings me down so much. I sit at home or lay in bed, or am even losing focus at work, thinking WHY? Why do all those guys have a woman yet I don't?

Then the one girl I did have a real, meaningful relationship with two years ago broke up with me not because she wanted to, but because her parents forced her to have an arranged marriage... sigh. I was an emotional wreck wreck for 9 months. A pretty, sweet girl who would've married me if she could have. Gone. And recently a gorgeous HB9 whose number I got... who against all odds really liked me, even though she is WAY hotter than I am... she ended up being too hurt from a recent breakup to pursue a new relationship.... if only the timing had been different... she might have been mine, a stunningly gorgeous woman, exactly my type... those kind of "so close but no cigar" stories seem to be the story of my life. I never actually get the girl.

Then I sit at home and just brood man... I don't have much of a social life or friends. I analyze everything over and over... what did I do wrong... why didn't this work out.... I curse the gods one day and pray to them another depending on my emotional state, and it's not healthy man. Not healthy.

When I was with that one girl I was so happy. Nothing else mattered. She loved and adored me and I wanted to be a better person for her. I would excite her, tease her, hold her, go places and do things with her, etc, and it was just the best thing in the world. It really made my life better. I was happy. People saw it. Yet now, other girls seem to not want to give me the time of the day, even though I clearly have what it takes to make some of them perfectly happy... The weeks pass, turn to months, the months turn to years, and I get older and older without ever having another woman. It just really kills my spirit. I try to be upbeat, walk strong, smile, and be proud, but it's just so difficult when deep down inside you are so very not happy. I end up snapping at people at work, fuming and stewing about my single-ness, and am afraid I am just turning into this bitter old man who will be alone forever

In all honesty, I would give up all my money, my job, hell I'd cut off my left nut if that's what it took. Just for that one sweet pretty girl who wants me and turns out to be the one. I don't care about one night stands... I haven't had sex, since I was 18, almost 20 years ago... pathetic huh? But I don't give a fuck. At this point I just want love... not sex. Sigh. No, I'm not being clingy when I meet girls... at least I think not. So yeah... you aren't the only one. Clearly I am doing something wrong, and although I feel I have been improving my game the past year, no luck so far. Hopefully I'll keep at it and eventually end up with a nice girl. I would settle for a HB7 who's nice and loving. Maybe even a HB6 if she's really sweet. Is that too much to ask? That's all I really want in life now. It is my only goal. Nothing else matters. Hopefully you find one too. Because it really, REALLY sucks to feel this way.

To be honest, at this point I think it is my lack of meeting women. I need to go out and find them, but don't really want to be "that guy" hitting on girls 20 years younger than me in the mall. I am busy, work from 8 to 6, have a house and personal business to take care of, exercise 4 evenings a week (at home)... I just don't have time to spend my evenings prowling clubs and other places. That leaves the weekends... but where to go? And since I have no real friends, do I go alone and look creepy? Sigh. Maybe yoga classes? Cooking classes? If only I were still in college. Back then I didn't care about women, and they were everywhere. Now I care, but they seem to have disappeared.

 

[TomGray]

Whenever something has not been working for a long time, it's usually a sign that change is in order. You say you can't meet girls? Well, Mr. 140K a year, instead of working out at home, join a gym. Maybe you won't meet girls but I have made several cool friends from going regularly and interacting with people there including a man who is seven years my senior and a real inspiration to me. If you order stuff online, head to the local stores instead. If you've had the same hairstyle for a while, change it up, same for beard. If you don't wear jewelry, try it out (easy way to instantly look sexier). Change is the enemy of stagnation. Like Colt said in his article on introverts, try to get out of the house at least once a day. And don't think about what you have as a factor in getting girls. If you lost your home and bank account tomorrow, what would you be left with? Yourself. So try to love yourself.

 

[mkivtt]

Well, I don't flaunt what I have. I don't even tell girls. However, just like men value beauty, women value stability and confidence. And money provides a lot of stability Anyway, I didn't mean to brag. I simply meant it as in "I'm not broke, so that shouldn't be a disqualifying factor when meeting women."

You're exactly right though. My problem is I don't meet enough new women. My life pretty much consists of business, the grocery store, and my home. I used to have friends... before I moved to another country. Then I found more friends... and I again moved to another country, and lost them all again. By then I was older, out of college, and everyone I work with is settled and married... it's not easy to befriend them as a single guy, and to be honest, I didn't really try that hard this time around either. I've ignored everything besides work the past 8 years. So I need to start building a social life and meeting people. Maybe I should go hit the gym like you suggested