Does he actually want it?

[tradtx]

I'm a girl and I stumbled across this forum googling about being a virgin who has crazy sexual urges haha welp it's all out there! So now that I'm here it seems like y'all are super knowledgeable on guys thinking so - help please?

I've been talking to/dating a guy thats a bit older (he's in his 20s out of college I'm still in college) for a few months. For periods of time it's been long distance which has made it a slower process. So in the long distance times we talk on the phone almost every day and when we do he always jerks off while we talk and at some point I don't even know how it happened he started guiding me to touching myself too I had never done that before. So now every day I touch myself for him on the phone. In person right from the start the dates were super flirty and we laughed a lot and he was always very touchy with me. Like he'd put his hand on my leg or my lower back or my back or pull me toward him. The second date we went to Top Golf and he was standing behind me running his hands over me. We've been on a bunch of in person dates since then and all of those ones ended up with us alone at his place with him touching me and getting super excited seemingly and it seemed like he might have sex with me but then he doesn't its like he holds back. I'm not going to tell him to have sex with me because I want him to not think I'm a slut and I want him to keep liking me but also what is he waiting for?! Like he has me there? does he not like me?

 

[Bill]

Does he know you’re a virgin? Is he a virgin?

If he knows you‘re a virgin he won’t think you’re a slut, he may be holding back if it’s your first time as that can be intimidating for some guys. If he’s also a virgin he may be nervous himself.

He may just not like PIV sex and prefer masturbation. This is a much less likely explanation but there are some guys like that.

You can breach the topic of sex without directly asking him to have sex with you.

 

[James D]

You can breach the topic of sex without directly asking him to have sex with you.

Second that.

 

[tradtx]

Does he know you’re a virgin? Is he a virgin?

If he knows you‘re a virgin he won’t think you’re a slut, he may be holding back if it’s your first time as that can be intimidating for some guys. If he’s also a virgin he may be nervous himself.

He may just not like PIV sex and prefer masturbation. This is a much less likely explanation but there are some guys like that.

You can breach the topic of sex without directly asking him to have sex with you.

Thanks so much for responding! He does know I'm a virgin and says he likes that. He is definitely not a virgin and has had a lot of experience. He's said when he was dirty talking before that he wanted to be my first and he couldn't wait to be inside me.

So then when he has the opportunity to do that and doesn't I get confused! He's had me down to just my panties even! and chose to focus on my tits instead which felt so good too but i fell asleep wondering why not more.

How do I breach the topic without asking him to?

 

[James D]

He's had me down to just my panties even! and chose to focus on my tits instead which felt so good too but i fell asleep wondering why not more.

How do I breach the topic without asking him to?

If he's had you down to your panties, it's safe to be more suggestive about sex without coming across as a slut.

At this point, sex is like the last 5 %.

 

[ChrisVirtue]

super odd he jerks off on the phone but hasn't smashed yet. this a gen Z thing ? lol

probably if I had to guess he thinks because you're a virgin he needs to take his time moving towards sex ?

 

[Derek da man]

Social conditioning and the current climate makes a lot of guys very careful and nervous about consent. Girls like a man to take the lead, but that takes a lot of confidence. Just because he says he has a lot of experience doesn't mean he actually has.

It sounds like you both have no issue talking about sex on the phone but are much more guarded in person - try asking him on the phone if it's easier.

Another way would be to tell him you want to play a game. You can only touch each other where your partner asks you to and you take it in turns to tell each other where you want to be touched. Start of with something easy like "play with my hair" then it's his turn, then "kiss my lips", and so on. Doing this means that each of you has given consent as you were asking, it also means you can't be seen as a slut as it was part of the game.

Just remember, us guys are very good at bravado, but a lot of guys are very sensitive and insecure and don't want to get it wrong so we take no action, which is actually worse as we can appear not to be interested.

 

[tradtx]

super odd he jerks off on the phone but hasn't smashed yet. this a gen Z thing ? lol

probably if I had to guess he thinks because you're a virgin he needs to take his time moving towards sex ?

Maybe he is taking his time - it felt like he moved so fast to do other physical things which I hadn't really done all that much before and before I knew it he was touching me and guiding me to touch him and taking off our clothes. He did say last night that it's going to hurt me so maybe he's worried about that? but also he seemed to actually be turned on by that tbh?

Social conditioning and the current climate makes a lot of guys very careful and nervous about consent. Girls like a man to take the lead, but that takes a lot of confidence. Just because he says he has a lot of experience doesn't mean he actually has.

It sounds like you both have no issue talking about sex on the phone but are much more guarded in person - try asking him on the phone if it's easier.

Another way would be to tell him you want to play a game. You can only touch each other where your partner asks you to and you take it in turns to tell each other where you want to be touched. Start of with something easy like "play with my hair" then it's his turn, then "kiss my lips", and so on. Doing this means that each of you has given consent as you were asking, it also means you can't be seen as a slut as it was part of the game.

Just remember, us guys are very good at bravado, but a lot of guys are very sensitive and insecure and don't want to get it wrong so we take no action, which is actually worse as we can appear not to be interested.

that's so interesting! I'm from a very traditional/Christian family and was definitely raised up thinking in ways of the man is the lead and prefer that! I'd be shocked if hes lying about experience he was a D1 baseball player and I feel like they are all players off the field too haha but maybe?!

He's def WAY more talkative on the phone he says really dirty stuff that he wants to do and my body responds like crazzzy to it without me meaning to it's embarrassing honestly how I react just naturally. I more answer his questions than actually talk about it.

I didn't know that about guys that's actually so sweet and kinda sad! I like that game suggestion - thank you!

 

[Skater]

*Sigh*. What's your number?

Just kidding. (Please don't ban me.)

I think the guys have got you covered. Hoping for the best!

A summary for anyone interested in a girl's anonymous, unfiltered thoughts:

1. Girls want sex. Even virgins.
2. ASD is deep-seated and VERY irrational so girls will rarely escalate, but will
3. Enthusiastically follow your lead if attraction is there, and will
4. Wonder whether you even like them if you don't escalate.
5. Dirty talk turns girls on naturally and viscerally. (A bit surprised myself here.)
6. Girls are generally clueless about guys' inner game entanglements. (Was surprised when I first heard this from another girl; now...)

Thanks for jumping into our "viper's nest" with this rare insider perspective, @tradtx. We're fundamentally all in this together.