Embracing One's Emotions - Why it's Important!

[Garrett]

Hey guys, Garrett here.

I wanted to share some knowledge with some of you guys about emotions. This post is quite long, but for some of you it'll definitely be worth reading! Sit back and relax as I have a bit of a story to share with you all today...

Since finding Girls Chase, I realized that I was your typical "nice guy". Before I found the site, I was basically searching for dating/girl advice because I knew I was doing something wrong. There were some things I learned for sure, such as "Don't go shopping with a girl if she asks you", the thing is I never really understood why I shouldn't. Fast forward to today. It's actually amazing and I actually laugh when I tell a guy not to go if a girl invites you shopping and they say, "Really? Why not!?" Then as I begin to explain I feel an internal shock and want to give myself a forehead smack as I can't believe the guy would actually go shopping with a girl, especially if it's on her terms!

So anyways, after finding the site I was thinking, "Well shoot, I've been doing everything wrong! Chase says you need to become a genuine man and start changing things up with your behavior, so that's what I'm going to go do!" So then I set out on a journey to basically be this genuine guy Chase was mentioning. The thing is, I took things to a whole other level...

Throughout my interactions, I was monitoring everything I was doing like how I talked, my walk, my attire, my posture, among other fundamentals. That's just the beginning... I cut off a lot of people in my life, I would make sure not to reply to people too quickly, I would come off as tryhard, a bit cold, aloof, distant, and I felt like absolute crap!

Why i was feeling so crappy you may ask? Well here's the deal...

When you first start out and want to get good at something, a lot of people will go extreme at it, then give up and just quit. Like after a while I eventually burnt out and felt like, "Man, I can't do this anymore. I'm not getting results, I feel like crap all the time, my grades are slipping, I have no energy, I feel stoic/no emotion, I'm not being productive, and I've cut a bunch of friends off and made people distant towards me!"

So then I went back to who I was before Girls Chase for a brief period, until I met some sexy middle eastern girl at a co-ed soccer game. I started talking to her and was myself, and as I continued talking to her, I was thinking, "Damn, this feels off, even though I'm being myself, I don't feel attraction from her at all!"

So then I went back to reading girls chase and studying it everyday, and I started encountering the same problems I was experiencing before. Then I kept thinking about it and because I didn't quit like I used to do with a lot of things, I finally realized, "I'm going waay too extreme with my behavior!"

Basically to sum things up, I was a nice guy before, then I turned into a bit of an ass hole. I was getting more attraction from girls, but I felt off, not in control, was masking my emotions, and basically felt like crap.

So anyways, I realized I needed to tone it down a little and make tweaks until things felt right. Today I'm at that place and it feels amazing! Now when I'm talking to a girl, friends, or family, I'll be a genuine guy who is nice/warm. The thing is, I'm not a "nice guy" anymore. I have a better walk, talk better, and I don't think too much about what I'm doing. I think it's stupid to just go with the flow so I do have a plan normally with things, but I make sure that if I slip up, I don't worry about it, because when you care TOO MUCH you won't get results!

Everything in life is a balance. For example, you want to be a balance between being a nice guy and being an ass hole. You want to study, but also make time for family and friends. You want to workout hard, but make sure you have time to rest. You want to care, but not make something a big deal because things in life aren't a big deal. You want to be productive, but make sure you don't spend all your time doing stuff or you'll burn out. You want to think about your actions, but not so much that you fear taking action.

So to explain a bit more about myself, I'm a pretty extreme person. Granted, I've recently toned it down A LOT! Being extreme does have its benefits: you get really good at a skill you want to master, you'll get better and faster results, and you'll feel satisfied with your production. The problem is, overworking yourself is not good on you mentally (unless you have a personality disorder like Chase mentioned where it doesn't really affect you). The thing is, you only have so much motivation and will power to do something and if you expend it all quickly, you'll burn out and possibly go into a depressive rut like I did. For the longest time I never knew what I was doing, until I became aware of my subconscious self through introspective analysis in order to figure out why I was depressed. Then I realized it was because I set the bar so rediculously high that I could never achieve the results I was looking for. Even when I could achieve those results when I first started out, it was often short-lived.

So then after finding the root of the problem, I made adjustments and things improved! The problem was, I still wasn't feeling great, was stoic, and I really didn't know why. I kept thinking and pondering why I felt this way and I came to an influential conclusion... you should NOT mask/hide your emotions, they exist for a reason!!!

Whenever I'd see a cute girl I'd feel nervous but I'd tell myself, "You can't feel nervous, you'll look shaky and screw up!" So then I felt crappy and would never approach the girl anyway. Why didn't I approach her? It's because I didn't have a good psychological balance. As Chase mentioned, you need to balance logic and emotion. Too much logic and you'll go stoic/emotionless, too much emotion and you won't feel satisfied with your productivity, among other things. The thing is, you NEED emotions to make decisions and without it, you'll make wonky and often, regrettable choices. Following your emotions too much is not good either, like if you meet a girl and allow yourself to fall in love right away, you'll get screwed in the end!

So what's my advice after all of this? It may sound cliche and like Chase, I don't really like cheesy cliches, but you have to feel the fear and do it anyway! What does this mean?
Well, say you have no abundance mentality and you keep looking at a girl's twitter/facebook. You then hear everyone saying, "Ohh, don't look at her stuff, avoid her as much as possible!" Logically, it makes sense and it is logical to avoid looking at her stuff and avoiding the temptation to check her facebook. The thing is... your emotions aren't taken care of. So yeah, you may not check her facebook/twitter today, but eventually it builds up and you'll give up. So if that doesn't work, well then what does?

What I've found, and you may find it counterintuitive, is that I allow myself to check up on the girl as often as I like. Why I do it? Well for one, I don't feel as attracted to her if I know everything she's up to. Also, if I saw her in person I wouldn't feel as nervous/curious about her. Not only this, but I'm in better shape and more emotionally stable so if I meet other girls I'll feel more comfortable. So what I'm saying here is, if you feel an emotion like being nervous or tempted to check up on the girl you like a lot, you should give in to it. You may think, "Well how am I going to get over her?" The thing is, you won't necessarily get over her then and there, but overtime you'll get bored of her naturally and you'll meet other girls. This may not work for everyone out there, but from what I've noticed, the longer I consciously fight getting over a girl, the longer and oftentimes more painful it is to do. If you have abundance, then you should be able to naturally get over her fairly quickly, but if you don't have abundance and she seems like your dream girl, I suggest you don't force yourself not to check up on her. If you give into your emotions, eventually you'll be able to logically do what you want. You don't have to check her facebook every minute, but whenever you feel the need to, I say you give in. By giving in, you'll do it less and eventually you won't want to do it anymore. There's an exercise in Buddhism where monks are actually given a topic and they are told not to think about it. For example, the head monk/leader tells them, "For the next 15 minutes, I want you all to not think about polar bears."
They found that restriction often made things harder because the monks were only following their logical mind. Humans are emotional beings so we can't just robotically function well over time. For a short period of time it will work but eventually you'll crash and burn.

Another way I was extreme was whenever I had a homework assignment, I'd only touch it when I felt like I had enough energy/motivation to do a perfect job. Once I brought it up to conscious understanding from my subconscious, I realized how wrong this is and how unproductive I was being. So these days, what I do is I'll not think about it too much, I'll just go do an assignment and even if it's not the best quality I could produce, I'll just do my absolute best in that given moment of time. Taking action and being proactive yet not producing perfection is a hell of a lot better for getting results than not taking action unless you feel great. You can't sit around and wait for motivation, you need to be proactive and make it happen, and if you fall flat or feel crappy, you're probably doing something wrong. Things that are worth investing your time in are usually not very easy, take pickup for example. Not many guys would have the balls to do pickup, but the ones who do are getting better, hotter, and great quality girlfriends. All of these guys had no clue of what they were doing until they actually spent time getting better and improving! So if you feel like crap, you're nervous and all you can say to a girl is "Hi", then say it because that's one more word and you're that much closer to getting better with girls than if you stayed quiet and felt regret. You have to embrace your nervousness, admit to it, and make a decision, so internally you could say, "I feel like crap, I'm really nervous and I've never approached girls, but if I want to get better, this is how to do it!" Take action, but work gradually and don't go to the extreme. If you do go to the extreme that's fine, you'll know because you feel like crap. Sometimes it's good to really think things through and examine how you're feeling. If you feel like crap, chances are you need to make adjustments. Even if you're in medical school where you have lectures from morning till 5pm, you need to make time to relax and decompress or you'll be an emotionless, stoic mess. Take time out of your day to work on fundamentals, workout some days, and devote a lot of time to study.

Remember, the genuine guy is always the balanced guy and it often takes work and many adjustments to get to where you want to be! If you aren't getting what you want from people despite following the Law of Least effort among other techniques, you may be acting like an ass hole. Like my friend for example, he'll purposely ignore people and it looks try hard. For that reason, I tend not to want to spend time with him because he comes across as a dick. The thing is, if you want to be genuine, and you start as a nice guy, you may have to go through a bit of crap to get to where I am today as the genuine guy, but I promise you guys its worth it. Balance is the key to your success, I promise !

Best of luck,
Garrett

 

[Chase]

Garrett-

Interesting post. It seems like you've been trying to combat addictive behavior by swearing off that behavior, but not removing the thing from your life.

It's sort of like teling yourself, "Okay, NO MORE potato chips tonight!" when there's a delicious half finished bag of potato chips in the pantry.

The solution I've found is not to try to willpower myself to control. You will, like you note, burn yourself out very fast.

What I've found the best solution is is to take away the option to do the thing I don't want to do altogether.

Need to quit eating so much junk food? Throw all the junk food in the trash, take the trash outside, throw it down the garbage chute, and refuse to buy anymore for your house. Give yourself permission to have dessert if you're out at a restaurant, but it's not allowed in your home anymore.

Need to quit Facebook stalking every girl you meet, wasting time on it and leading to obsessing over women you hardly know? Get off Facebook. Facebook is WAY more favorable toward women than it is toward men. It's obsession-inducing. No man I know who's really in control of his life is on Facebook. Keep in touch with girls via email or LinkedIn, they're way less addictive. Or meet them in real person. Facebook is only fake image posturing anyway... you only see what she wants you to see on there. She isn't going to post a status update about the guy who picked her up at a bar last night and shagged her without a condom... you're lulled into a false sense of "knowing" through it that she constructs for your (and many other guys' and gals') benefit. Facebook is a fake book of constructed imagery... it's lights and whistles. You don't know anything more than the stories she's carefully spinning to make her look exactly like she wants to look.

Need to quit Internet surfing when you should be studying? Turn your computer off, hide it in your closet, and tell yourself you're not allowed to use it until you're finished reading Chapter 37 or whatever it is you need to do.

Need to get yourself approaching girls, despite approach anxiety? Go out with the goal of talking to at least three (3) new girls, and you're absolutely not allowed back home until you've done it. You'll stay out until tomorrow morning if you need to.

This is another form of extremism, but it's a form that allows you to circumvent emotional tendencies toward temptation. Remove the source of the temptation, and you remove its ability to control you. e.g., the temptation is cookies? Throw them out. The temptation is Facebook stalking? Disable your account. The temptation is surfing the web? Hide your computer and ban yourself from it until you're done. The temptation is not approaching, giving up, and going home? Refuse that option to yourself until you've hit an (achievable) approach quota.

The first time I recall using this method was when I was in high school and I got too addicted to playing Diablo II. I'd literally spent all day and all night for something near two weeks I think playing this game obsessively. My entire summer was going toward it. It was a complete waste. But I couldn't stop playing because my character was so cool and powerful and kept getting cooler and more powerful.

So, one day, really pissed off at my inability to control myself, I went on and deleted the character. Every time I thought about Diablo II after that it was, "Oh MAN, it's going to take me SO LONG to get back to where I was before... I don't even want to play that anymore."

And just like that, the spell was broken.

And I was happy about that. Then I was free to start doing some writing, which I sucked at. But I figured if I worked at it for a while, I'd get better.

You can do this with just about anything.

Some obsessions are good, and should be encouraged.

But if it isn't adding anything to your life, get rid of it... as soon as it's gone, you'll be glad.

You sacrifice the obsession, but what you get back is... freedom.

Chase

 

[Franco]

Chase, Garrett,

I didn't read this topic until Chase replied, but it's a very interesting one.

Well, say you have no abundance mentality and you keep looking at a girl's twitter/facebook. You then hear everyone saying, "Ohh, don't look at her stuff, avoid her as much as possible!" Logically, it makes sense and it is logical to avoid looking at her stuff and avoiding the temptation to check her facebook. The thing is... your emotions aren't taken care of. So yeah, you may not check her facebook/twitter today, but eventually it builds up and you'll give up.

Let me start by saying this: I have "stalked" (if that's what you want to call it) girls on Facebook before. And before anyone goes, *gasp*... "Franco! How COULD you?!" ...let me say that I have absolutely no shame whatsoever in doing it. For anyone who truly knows women to any respectable degree, then they also know that women are the masterminds of stalking. You wouldn't believe some of the things that women do when they want to know what their ex-boyfriends, current lovers, or possible future lovers are doing. I'm surprised some of these women don't work for the surveillance department of the CIA!

So both of you have presented two different solutions to the same problem. Let me re-iterate them here.

Garrett,

What I've found, and you may find it counterintuitive, is that I allow myself to check up on the girl as often as I like. Why I do it? Well for one, I don't feel as attracted to her if I know everything she's up to. Also, if I saw her in person I wouldn't feel as nervous/curious about her. Not only this, but I'm in better shape and more emotionally stable so if I meet other girls I'll feel more comfortable. So what I'm saying here is, if you feel an emotion like being nervous or tempted to check up on the girl you like a lot, you should give in to it. You may think, "Well how am I going to get over her?" The thing is, you won't necessarily get over her then and there, but overtime you'll get bored of her naturally and you'll meet other girls.

There is some truth to this statement about "giving in" to your emotions so that you aren't driving yourself crazy trying to keep them in check. I can relate to this. There have been a couple of girls in the past that I have "stalked" like clockwork -- if I didn't check their Facebook at least two or three times a week trying to find out if they were thinking about me or seeing someone else, then I would usually bang my head against a wall. Giving in to that emotion actually gave me SOME temporary comfort... until the next urge a few days later. So it was certainly not a permanent solution; and I disagree that you will "get bored of her naturally." If you are truly addicted to something (or someone), then it will require change in your approach toward the problem in order to resolve it. If you are able to "naturally" get over it without changing anything, then it means you weren't really "addicted" to begin with.

Which leads me to Chase's response,

This is another form of extremism, but it's a form that allows you to circumvent emotional tendencies toward temptation. Remove the source of the temptation, and you remove its ability to control you. e.g., the temptation is cookies? Throw them out. The temptation is Facebook stalking? Disable your account. The temptation is surfing the web? Hide your computer and ban yourself from it until you're done. The temptation is not approaching, giving up, and going home? Refuse that option to yourself until you've hit an (achievable) approach quota.

I have tried this extreme approach. But while it should work in theory, actually applying it in practice is a whole different beast. I agree that you need to do SOMETHING differently in order to handle an addiction appropriately. But even what some might consider as an "extreme" approach to intervention may actually not be enough.

Throw away the cookies? If I want them bad enough, I'll go back into the trash and get them out.

Disable my Facebook account? If I want to check on it bad enough, I'll re-enable it.

Hide my computer and ban myself from it? I'll use my roommate's or my neighbor's computer if I want to surf the web badly enough.

...delete my character on Diablo II or World of Warcraft? If I'm addicted enough, I will start ALL over again. And I know this because I have done it (with World of Warcraft).

So what is the actual best solution to solving an addiction? Well the best approach would certainly be Chase's... if it works. In my case, it did not. And in many other cases, it may also not work. So what is a man to do when giving into his addiction only prolongs it, while NOT giving into the addiction only drives him up the wall until he eventually comes back to it?

Well, I believe there is a middle ground to both of these arguments. Let's use an example.

Cigarettes. When individuals are looking to break their addiction to cigarettes, does smoking the exact same amount every day until they "naturally get over it" cause them to stop? No. The addiction is usually much deeper than most people imagine, and if you keep giving into the temptation to smoke, you will never stop.

And If you've heard a story about your friend who smokes and tried to go "cold turkey" on it, then you also probably heard his follow-up story about how he decided to just have "one" cigarette a week later because the urge was so strong... until he eventually went back to smoking full-time again.

But I also have heard of, witnessed, and used a third type of approach. And this approach involves giving into your temptation... while applying changes that should eventually lead to not giving in again (or severely reducing it).

A couple of my friends have purchased a relatively new item called an "e-cigarette" which allows you to smoke a "healthier" version of a cigarette without the tobacco. There is still some nicotine, but you can also tone that down slowly since you are no longer damaging your body the way you were with normal cigarettes. This is an example of still "giving in" to your temptation while mitigating the damage and side effects it causes. And sometimes, with an addiction, it is only harmful if it actually HAS negative side effects. Most addictions are rarely healthy, but there are some cases where they aren't "unhealthy."

As far as using this approach myself, I actually had to give in to the temptation of checking a girl's Facebook repeatedly in order to help keep myself sane. However, the side effects of this addiction to checking her Facebook were severe -- I was not sleeping well, I was distracted at work, and my overall "standard of living" went down the drain. I knew that I had to do SOMETHING, but I just wasn't sure what it was... until I found this website.

Deep down, I knew that the only way to resolve this was to replace the emotion that was driving me to act this way. Instead of replacing the activity that you are actually doing, you need to focus on replacing the core EMOTION that is driving you to do it. In my case, I realized that my emotion was comprised almost completely of the fact that I thought I would never find another girl like this again. In order to replace that emotion, I had to first convince myself that this was NOT the case, and although she could still end up being my dream girl someday, there are many other women out there that could be that dream girl as well -- I just needed to know how to get them.

After enough reading and application of the material on this website, I was able to replace that core emotion with a new one: one that told me that I do not need to have this girl in order to be happy. Once I was able to fully realize this, then that emotion that was driving me to check her Facebook every other day began to disappear. HOWEVER, while I read the material and practiced my game, I continued to check on her Facebook. Why? Because I knew I wouldn't be able to get myself out there and practice my game if all I was thinking about was checking her Facebook.

So in a way, applying both of these methods had the best impact on me. It allowed me to maintain my sanity while slowly changing the core emotion that drove me toward my obsession until it eventually was reduced to (almost) nothing.

Anyway, this was long, but I hope I added some valuable content here!

Cheers,

Franco

 

[Garrett]

Chase and Franco,

Thanks for the replies. Chase, I noticed you used some of these examples in your post about eliminating chasing habits among others.

I've been busy lately, but I was kept up last night because I thought deeply about this. Chase, you mentioned that in order to get off Facebook, you simply deactivated your account after realizing you had all of your real friends in your phone. You once mentioned that at one point, you would check your phone every 30 minutes when you had a crush, which you assumed to be quite often. You also said that you got rid of your account on Diablo II after you deleted your character, and you eliminated your alcohol addiction by quitting cold turkey and changing the drink.

Based on these habits that you've accumulated over the years, it appears as though you don't have a very addictive personality. Not to label, but I feel as though you are able to quit a habit more easily than others, including myself and perhaps Franco feels the same. One of the things I found shocking was that you would check your phone every 30 minutes, and you thought that was checking often. Really? I used to check my phone every few minutes when I had a crush. I was still keeping busy and being productive, but I'd keep popping open my phone quickly to take a peek. Doing that was really limiting my productivity and focus, so now I check my phone like every 30 mins to an hour, sometimes more frequent, sometimes not for hours. Since reading your blogs, I remember you saying how it was rude to have your phone out when in the company of others, particularly on dates. Regardless, when I'm with family or friends, I put my phone away and engage in conversation instead. I don't talk a whole hell of a lot, and due to a developed social intuition over the years, I have a fairly good idea of when it is appropriate to speak and say certain things during certain times.

Another thing, have you heard of the online game, Runescape? I used to play that game for hours, and over time I eventually just got bored of it because none of my friends were playing it anymore and kids who were older than the 8th grade were viewed as lame for playing it. That's when I finally clued in to the fact that I'm wasting my time and I could have been doing so much more with my time like studying, making new friends, getting better at sports/music at the time, etc.

So based on a few experiences and analyzing this, I think breaking a habit comes down to 4 things. Firstly, you have to recognize that you have the habit, and you have to want to break the habit internally. Secondly and more specifically, as you mentioned in your article, Chase, you have to have a reason that is more superior, that overpowers the pleasure you receive from partaking in a habit. In relation, the amount you value a habit will determine how hard it will be to break sed habit, so it's a negative correlation. The third thing is, if you want to quit cold turkey at something, you need to make the habit hard enough to continue doing, such that when your brain tells you to do it due to the developed patterning over time, you won't do it because it's too much work. This comes down to laziness too. Chase, you said yourself that you are lazy, so I think this has something to do with you quitting your habits. Maybe you do have an addictive personality, but the fact that you don't put much work in on certain areas of your life allows you to eliminate them more easily. I'd consider myself pretty hardworking, especially when I really want something. I won't rest until I get it, so if I want to get on Facebook, I'll bust my balls until I do. Being aware of this, I had to figure out what it would take for me to eliminate the habit. I had to figure out, 'How much would it take for me to stop doing this?' Then I realized what I had to do and I went for it, and it has thus far, worked! Also, some people resort to punishment tactics like snapping a rubber band on their arm whenever they do the habit, but if the pain of getting slapped won't bother you as much as engaging in the habit, this just won't work. If I really want to see a girl on Facebook/Twitter, getting slapped hard on the wrist won't stop me, but for others, I'm sure it could.

Enough theory, now let's get into an example. Chase, you said that to get rid of your Facebook, you simply needed to deactivate your account (after many attempts), and you successfully got off of Facebook once you eventually realized that your friends were on your phone. Me? I had to change my password to something really long/complex, change my email to a random Gmail account, make the password really long, change the recovery questions, rip up the passwords, and now I'm trying to block the site on my macbook! I would quit for a few months then try to see if I could get back in and I always figured out a way, now I feel like I made it nearly impossible to get back it, which is good.

My point above is that, different people attach different emotional value to different things. It's really complicated, so to provide a solution like, 'just deactivate your account' appears a bit like a surface level analysis that isn't going to work for everyone. Also, yesturday I turned 19 (I was 18 when I joined the forum, but said I was 19 for confidentiality, not that I care anymore), and I went out to a restaurant. Realizing that 19 is the legal drinking age in Canada, I asked for a Virgin strawberry daiquiri. Why? It's because I recognize that I have an addictive personality. My parents don't drink/smoke, neither do I. That tells you something Chase because I don't buy into many things these days, and the fact that I bought into your teachings on your site says how good you are at marketing/sales, so kudos to you my friend!

Another thing, I want to thank you, Chase and Franco, for something. You always provide insight that I don't realize, and once I realize it consciously, I make changes. For example, I didn't realize that pinning over a girl from the past would make your pickups look half assed. Having this understanding is motivating me to block this girl's Twitter that I check up on frequently (at least once a day), despite the fact that I have some other girls in my life. If anything is going to hinder me meeting some smoking hot Latina with a curvy body and killer personality (my type), then I'm going to take action and do what I have to do to get my life back in shape!

Cheers,
Garrett

 

[The Tool]

Excellent Post Garrett I enjoyed every minute of this read. Wish I had as much to contribute as Chase and Franco their words are always extremely insightful.

Yes addictions are hard to get over, as far as I have taken my game I still obsess over facebook though not always with checking girls profiles (only the ones that I date-Kinda sad I know) I often try and deactivate it but quickly put it back up the next day....shameful..hope to keep it deactivated soon.

Anyway-Just wanted to say Garrett, They way you write is excellent-I take it you excell in writing class and literary arts. I look forward to your posts, there are only a few people who I noticed write in the same style (indepth, insiteful and with detail) Chase, Franco, Just_Dave, Eric, and yourself. Not saying the others are bad writers but simply that yours stand out. I myself could vastly improve with my writing I think more detail and sentence structure is my downfall.

Anyway, Excellent read as always. Keep it up my friend.

Cheers, The Tool

 

[Chase]

Garrett-

Good stuff.

On addictiveness, right - I'm not super addiction prone. I've associated with a lot of highly addictive outlier types, and I've watched how this personality gets involved in addictions. However, because I always look for ambitious people, these individuals normally were able to overcome their addictions because they had more important things they wanted to do with their lives. I've also known some non-addictive personalities, who could come into contact with almost anything addiction-inducing and simply walk away, no problem. As for me, you'd probably classify me as somewhere between "normal" and "extreme" addiction. Higher than average, maybe.

Every addiction is different, of course. When I used to play video games a great deal, I'd play them non-stop, until way past when I should've gone to bed. I'd turn the computer off to go to bed, then go turn it back on again and start playing. I could feel boredom and disgust creeping in and I still couldn't stop playing. Games like Daggerfall and Age of Empries took up vast chunks of my teenage years. I never got to the point of skipping school or not studying for exams to play them, though (though I might have sped through studying for that), like I know some people do.

My extremely addictive friends (e.g. getting blacked out drunk every night, spending all their disposable income on hard drugs, etc.) have used cold turkey with varying degrees of success. One friend who's been using cocaine for a long time can give it up for months on end, but he goes back to it eventually. Another who has arguably a far more addictive and temperamental personality even than that friend though has quit cold turkey on drinking, hard drugs, etc., and not gone back. He refuses to have even a single drink though, because for him the moment he breaks abstinence, he's back full-on into his addiction. There is no middle ground for that friend; it's either total immersion, or total abstinence.

I think this is another one of those things that comes down to having a purpose bigger than the addiction. If you don't have anything you want with clarity and resolve that's bigger than the addictive influence, you will lose, no matter how addictive or not your personality trait. This is why I see incredibly addictive personalities walk away from their addictions and never indulge them again IF they have a bigger purpose, while scads and scads of only moderately addictive people are never able to give up their addictions despite being far less addiction prone.

My experience is that walking away from addictions is a skill, like anything else. The first time you do it, it's impossible, and you're back before you know it. The second time, a little easier. The third, a little easier. The broader a range of addictions and bad habits you build up a history of having walked away from, the cleaner a break you're able to make.

It also has something to do with thought control. In my days of obsessive thinking, I couldn't leave addictions because I'd keep thinking about them until I had to go back. These days, with much firmer control on my thinking, this doesn't happen. The instant I notice obsessive thoughts creeping in, they're instantly banished... a nice side effect of forcing myself to mentally overcome depression was that I gained control of my mind and emotions, to a large degree. Without rumination and reflection, addictions lose their hold on you.

One other trick is replacing one addiction with another. e.g., you can learn to steer your addiction toward something like skill-building instead. Right now, for instance, my current addiction is learning and working on building business. In the rare occasion where crises happen in my life that prevent me from working on business for a day or two, I become very agitated and irrationally upset. I start talking to people about how I'm going to "lose my edge" or businesses will fall apart without me. There's some kernel of truth in this, of course, but not over not being able to work for a day or two. When I go out with friends and it lasts more than 3 or 4 hours now, I start getting agitated about all the time I'm losing from business building. Logically, I should be able to calm down and take a day off, but I can't, as business has become my latest addiction (albeit, one I'd rather have than, say, something less useful to my life).

So, you may or may not be more addictive than me, and we could sit here and compare addictive qualities all day. But no matter how strong your addiction might be, I've had friends with some of the most extreme, addictive personalities you will ever meet (people who are alcoholics, sexaholics, workaholics, talkaholics, drugaholics, obsessive gamblers, and more, all wrapped up in one) whom I've watched simply walk away from their addictions (often after "last time" indulgences of tremendous excess, as a way of saying "farewell"), one at a time, of course, simply because they had something they believed in more than the addiction.

If you can't leave an addiction, I wouldn't sit around and say, "Well, I guess I'm just TOO ADDICTIVE to give stuff up!"

Instead, I would say, "Obviously, I either don't have anything I really believe in more than this addiction, I don't have anything else to immerse myself in to take its place, or I haven't built up the skill of walking away enough or taught myself to steer and direct my thoughts in more constructive avenues than obsessive rumination."

One final note: burning the boats. You really want to quit something? Can't stop going back to it though? Burn the boats.

When Julius Ceasar landed on the British Isles with his men, set on conquering Britain finally after multiple failures, he turned around and set fire to the boats they came on. "It is now win or perish, gentlemen," he said. He removed the option of retreat.

If part of you wants to leave Facebook, for instance, and the addictive part wants to stay, how long will the addictive part hold sway if the logical part keeps defriending every friend you make, removing every picture you put up, and deleting every status message and wall post you have? Eventually the addictive part of you will find that Facebook is a lot of work without any reward, and it'll throw the towel in.

Burn the boats. You won't want to stay.

Destroy the reward you get from something in your saner moments, and the emotional part will eventually lose interest.

Don't want to tear your Facebook profile down (or whatever else you're addicted to)? No problem - but accept that you're accepting the addiction, and don't worry yourself so much about it.

Otherwise, if the plan is not to retreat, then what do you need those boats for? Burn them down.

Of course, maybe this sounds extreme. It is. Most people aren't going to burn the boats and remove their ability to retreat back to their old addictions. And that's why most people are still on Facebook, no matter how much they complain about Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg just keeps serving them the brain crack they hate to love, and laughs all the way to the bank.

Chase

 

[Flames]

Ive got a non addictive personality,

I smoked for years then gave up instantly and without withdrawal and ill still have just the one every now and again, just because I feel like it. I drink like a fish and yet feel no compulsion to drink every day, though sometimes I'll drink all week one week and have none the next. Ive taken every drug most people stay away from because of thir addictivness and though yeah ok that's pretty cool, but tomorrow I'll just have a beer, or I'll have a day off.

There's no pattern that I get into with any of it and I've no idea why I'm like this, but with the same token I cannot feasibly understand addiction. It's a totally alien concept to me.