Ending it gracefully...?

[Estate]

Guys,
I've been thinking about this lately.

With any girls I've been with in recent months, if you keep seeing/sleeping with her there eventually will come a time where she begins to ask or hint at where things are going.
I know the idea is to set yourself up as their lover rather than boyfriend but I feel like this just buys you time, you can't really go beyond maybe a few weeks.

Which is all ok, but how do you handle it? To be honest I haven't really "dealt" with it much, I've just let things fizzle out. I'm not sure how awesome I feel about that but it is what it is I guess unless I felt really strongly about going down the relationship route which I haven't as of yet.
I'm finding myself a little more synical. Younger me would meet a girl and be happy about it and not really look past the moment. More success in this makes me think down the line... do I want to see her any longer than just a fling? And if not, I end up holding back, I don't want her getting invested even if I'd technically like to see her again but can't immediately see her as my girlfriend. Before all that, I'd just keep seeing a girl and if a relationship forms, great. But now I know what I'm looking for, maybe I am looking for a girl that is a 10 to me but I've met some 8/9's so far... I feel like I COULD date them casually but usually I've just backed off to avoid the whole thing.

I'm not really sure how you guys handle this part of things.

 

[NarrowJ]

Man... I am totally with you on this one. I find it so hard to just be honest and let a girl down. So, I end up keeping them around a little too long and then things get sour. When, I think if I was just honest and told her how I felt- she might be open to seeing me more casually. Who knows?

I mean it makes sense to me, that she's only going to be more resentful about it the longer I keep her around. I dunno..

 

[Franco]

Estate, NJ,

After having a casual relationship for awhile, it is common for a girl to start developing feelings for you. Chase has mentioned that the average casual relationship lasts around 3 months (assuming you stretch it out as long as you possibly can), and I've verified myself that this is pretty accurate. In general, I don't think Chase even engages in casual relationships this long anymore because he knows that it's hard to let women down, but at the same time, the experience is invaluable. Learning to build toward a strong long-term relationship first starts with managing a casual one.

If you recognize that the girl starts having feelings for you (and this can come at you in multiple ways, whether that be her just bringing it up and asking you 'where this is going,' or her even starting to do things like trying to make you take care of her when she's sick or withhold sex from you to try to place you in a boyfriend role), then there are a couple of ways you can handle this.

1) Cut contact.

• This one might sound harsh, but if you draw it out this long and can't give her what she wants, then it's better than lying to her (or making promises you can't keep) and then not keeping those promises. That's going to hurt her even more in the long run and probably make her very bitter about men. So instead of saying things she wants to hear that you won't do, this can be a better way to leave it. She might try to contact you, and you can probably be short and neutral/friendly with her (I'm still experimenting with this myself), but you can't keep the sex or romance going or you're just going to drag her painfully along.

2) Have a heart-to-heart talk with her and explain to her how you two want separate things and that it's best that you end it now before she gets hurt.

• I haven't tried this one myself, but Chase has suggested it to me as an option. If you realize she is starting to have feelings for you, then you can sit her down and explain that you don't want to be the guy that "makes her hate all men" and become bitter, so it's best to end things while you're still on good terms.

Either way, the longer a casual relationship is drawn out, the more damage she'll have to receive on her end. It's the "attractive man's curse." You can't satisfy every woman -- and along the way to becoming an attractive man, you are going to cause some emotional distress to the women who get feelings for you. The best you can do is try to mitigate that damage by not doing things to string her along or make her believe that there was something more than what it was.

I wish there was an option to make both parties walk away satisfied and content, but there really isn't. One party is always going to be more invested than the other. It's up to you which method you want to use, but the best suggestion I can give is to try to mitigate the damage as much as you can. Set early expectations and don't deviate unless you plan on pursuing something more serious.

As a last note, the one way to avoid this of course is to just not engage in lengthy casual relationships... but I understand that casual relationships are a good way to learn a lot about women and attraction, so you'll naturally find yourself in a few unless you prefer the bachelor lifestyle of one-night stands, which some members on this board do.

I hope this helps.

- Franco

 

[Longshanks]

I'm glad someone brought this up. This is the 'dark underbelly' of the pick-up arts. It's always easier for me if the woman does the breaking up. I always feel really guilty when I have to turn a woman down, and it leads me to keep things going too long, which of course only gets worse and worse. I suppose it's not so much different from the 'attractive woman's curse' though: maybe it's just a curse for all appealing people. I have even turned down a couple younger, inexperienced girls because I felt like I'd mess them up, they were too invested right away.

The girl from my most recent LR I've seen three times, and it's already starting to fall apart. She asked me if I "felt romantically" toward her, and I truthfully told her I didn't. (She has a way of asking really blunt questions, so I felt like I could avoid beating around the bush.) She later asked why, and I was again pretty direct, saying I didn't feel the dynamic tension I needed to feel romantic. (I realize this is partly my fault for not building sexual tension, instead when I got with her I just pushed past a bunch of LMR. She had later asked if I thought she was easy; I said 'no, not easy.') She described our present situation as 'friends who have sex' and I said that was an accurate description. I asked if she wanted that, and she indicated she'd rather find someone who was more into her than that. I feel like I can't honestly try too hard to keep her around, given that I know I could probably find other women who'd give me more what I'm seeking, and given her stated desire for something more like a standard relationship.

 

[Whizzy]

This is a common topic for me as well...any recommendations on how to maintain a friendship after this event? Most of the time girls seem either extremely hurt and I never hear from them again, or they repeatedly fall for me (also not ideal).

 

[Stray Dog]

A rule of thumb I have for myself is to never carry anything out longer than what feels right for me. I will not keep a girl around just because I like the attention. I will not keep a girl around just because I am afraid to hurt her and break it off. I will keep a girl a round only if A:I am way into her, or B: I think I am in to her but still need some time to figure it out. I the situation is B I am honest and upfront the whole time. I say something like "Hey I am enjoying getting to know you but I am not sure I want something serious just yet". The key is being present with what dynamics are being created. If it becomes clear that my ambiguity is putting the girl in tons of pain I simply say "You know, it is unfair for me to keep you hanging around while I can't make up my mind about you. I think it is best we go our seperate ways. Thank you for your time". It takes time to really know if you have strong relationship potential with some one. We all have to deal with a certain ambiguity for a while. But there is a point when you cannot take the ambiguity in good faith. When will my feeling actualy ever change? For me the three month mark is usualy when this question becomes very real. If I know sooner than three months that it is not going any where then I break it off then. A lot of girls i know right away or after the second or third date. Some girls take more time to know where I am at with them. If some one seems way invested right away I am very cautious and only proceed if I have a large amount of interest in them.

If I a have been honest and upfront from the get go. You know, not make false promises or saying things I don't mean like "I can really see us together. Then there is usualy no bad blood. She will probably be sad about it, but that is life. Good people never intend to hurt others but that is all part of getting to know each other. Sometimes it doesn't work out. It is really all about the foot you got things started on. Be socialy conscientous from the get go and things won't be all that bad. But if you were lying or leading on from the get go...Well then she has every right to think you are a fuckhead.

Also something I tend to encounter at the three month mark and I am considering letting her go; Am I really not that into her or am I afraid of real intimacy. If I have been invested in someone for three months or more it means that I actualy saw something in them and it is very important to reflect and see what sort of subconcious motives are at play. In the past I have talked myself out of a good thing because I was afraid of the reality of intimacy. When you start getting really good with the ladies it can become easy to cast one aside knowing you could always find another, but don't cheat your self of deeper human connections. Be sure about why you are letting her go.

all of that said Just don't string em' along folks. Plain and simple. Don't be selfish. Be a man and end things when they need to end, even if it is difficult.

 

[Stray Dog]

Also OP, I believe that there is not such thing as a true 10. In fact I have stopped rating people with numbers all together. Even the best of us have flaws and the real question is how well I connect with someone on a very deep level. I would take someone with this or that drawback but has a ton of integrity and we have a very solid connection over someone I "Think" is my dream girl but have no connection with. People are people not numbers. If you want to see her again see her again, just be honest where you are at and don't string her along or keep her hanging too long. And don't become so picky that you let a good thing go. You know what is right, just trust your gut man.