Escalation anxiety .... Need help !!

[Spyce D]

I have it .. been to 3 dates ..and on all them couldn't escalate.. aka low physicality .

What to do about it ?

I am scared of escalating physically.

I only lost my virginity cuz the chick initiated .

But chicks don't usually iniate

 

[Kaida]

Visualization is the answer

One thing I discovered during my meditation is that almost every negative emotion felt is a result of these things I call "micro-visualizations"

Why do you feel a sudden rush of anxiety when your friend tells you to approach a hottie? Why isn't it a rush of horniness or pride?

It's because, in the back of your mind, you instantly visualize the outcome of whatever action you consider. This micro visualization sends ripples of emotion congruent with the visualization all throughout your body.

So in your case, whenever your mind considers escalating with a girl, you automatically visualize the girl recoiling or rejecting you somehow. This is the cause of your anxiety because your mind can't tell visualizations from real life. It is convinced that a negative outcome will happen.

So what's the solution? The solution is to reprogram these visualizations by collecting positive experiences or creating synthetic ones through meditation - ideally both.

That's all that social momentum is when you think about it. At the beginning of the night, you're unconfident and start thinking about all the negative outcomes of your approaches. You look at a girl and consider approaching her, but you have a micro-visualization of her rejecting you so you have a spike of anxiety.

But after you've warmed up and had a few positive interactions, you start to assume that the next interaction is going to be positive no matter which makes you more attractive and substantially increases the chance of an actual positive outcome.


So the actionable steps are:

1. Take some time every day and visualize girls reacting very positively to your escalation. What you're trying to recreate is your positive emotional reaction. Imagine how good and confident you'd feel.

I did this in-field. I'd look at a girl, consider approaching her, and hijack the negative visualization my mind would come up with and immediately switch it to a positive one, then approach. It takes some time to really see a change but it works

2. This is more powerful - push through the fear and get some positive experiences. Start small. Once you see she's not reacting as badly as you thought, really let it sink into your mind that you just proved the negative thoughts irrational. Save that memory and use that to gain confidence

 

[Spyce D]

1. Take some time every day and visualize girls reacting very positively to your escalation. What you're trying to recreate is your positive emotional reaction. Imagine how good and confident you'd feel.

I did this in-field. I'd look at a girl, consider approaching her, and hijack the negative visualization my mind would come up with and immediately switch it to a positive one, then approach. It takes some time to really see a change but it works

So ... I should imagine myself escalating with girls and then responding well .

Well, it makes sense cuz I was constantly worrying about escalating with this girl and she rejecting me , today . That's why couldn't make out with her today .

2. This is more powerful - push through the fear and get some positive experiences. Start small. Once you see she's not reacting as badly as you thought, really let it sink into your mind that you just proved the negative thoughts irrational. Save that memory and use that to gain confidence

I was doing it randomly as in there was no physicality ladder .

Got to focus on it more .

@Kaida actually, I talked with a guy I know irl about this , a few hours ago... It turns out that I don't feel man enough for the chicks .... ( Feeling that i Can't satisfy them ) So there is also this INNER GAME issue .

Like the thoughts are something like ...

I won't be a good partner for women ..so chicks won't accept my escalation attempt .

If a girl knows me for long ... She will realise that I am a loser

And other gibberish .

I never required inner game during the start of my pua journey but now ... I do require it cuz got a lot of b.s. in my mind thats hampering me .

 

[Spyce D]

Just realised
My Mindset towards my dates is not good ...

i always visualised them to be negative / flakey towards me even though they weren't .

i was worrying about this chick to go cold on me ...and guess what she is getting colder .

 

[ElderPrice]

.......why are you scared of escalating physically?

You need to think about this to find the underlying thought or belief.

Some help to get started:
Are you afraid you'll offend her.... and she'll leave?
Are you afraid of blowing an opportunity at sex? Why?
Re: visualization: it sounds like you're visualizing the ways it can go wrong. What if you try to escalate, she doesn't bite.... but she still likes you and wants to see you again?

 

[HoofHearted]

Here's a gift of pure gold for you...

If something is going on that you don't understand, just ask!

Clasping someone hand? Touching someone's shoulder? And unsure?

You: "This good?" While motion toward what 'this' is.

Intimacy isn't about taking/getting something from someone else, or seeing 'how much you can get away with.' It's something that's created together.

Your life would be better in a pro-social collaborative mindset, versus any context of tricking/manipulating someone into some kind of situation...

 

[foggy]

I have it .. been to 3 dates ..and on all them couldn't escalate.. aka low physicality .

What to do about it ?

I am scared of escalating physically.

you have an assumption about what will happen when you escalate physically...

...leading you to a narrow perspective of: escalation = rejection

you fix this by broadening your perspective, and there are several ways to do this. you can trust in this extra perspective i am about to give you, find out for yourself in field the fuller spectrum of woman physical escalation behaviors OR both.

physical escalation does not always end up in rejection. it can trigger healthy talks about boundaries. or excited moments from girls cuz you touched them for the first time. and also, there are different types of escalation, for example, a more romantic touch. or a "yeah theres definitely something here with us" touch

 

[Conquistador]

physical escalation does not always end up in rejection. it can trigger healthy talks about boundaries. or excited moments from girls cuz you touched them for the first time. and also, there are different types of escalation, for example, a more romantic touch. or a "yeah theres definitely something here with us" touch

The only intractable resistance I’ve ever met was a girl refusing to sit within a reasonable distance instead of across a table (vs. perpendicular) or on the extreme opposite end of a bench.

There’s probably a way to overcome that but 3 out of 4 times I don’t see why I should try, not because it’s impossible, but because if a girl won’t even do that there are plenty more who will.

My biggest regret the first time I ever escalated on a girl was not going further and getting openly sexual since she seemed fine with what I was doing. And of course she knew what it meant.

tl;dr in my (limited) experience the further you go the less you have to worry about

P.S. Be careful about hugging a girl goodbye if you didn’t kiss her as it can set the wrong frames. I think all the times this happened were special cases, but if so they’re fairly common special cases.

 

[Spyce D]

I think all the times this happened were special cases, but if so they’re fairly common special cases.

Didn't quite get the meaning .

 

[Conquistador]

Didn't quite get the meaning .

I’m not saying it’s a general rule not to hug, but in some common situations, it hasn’t helped for me.

 

[TomInHo]

Best way to get over escalation anxiety is just like approach anxiety.... you just suck it up and do it

It will feel weird at first because you're not used to acting this way and you may be tempted to say this isn't me. But that's just your brain trying to protect your ego and avoid risking social rejection

And when you start escalating more often, I'm going to be 100% honest... you're gonna suck at it. You will creep some girls out, make moves at the wrong times and even make moves that are too weak for the situation

But eventually, with enough reps things start to click and you'll make mistakes less, know how to handle resistance better, get more dick in pussy and girls calling you the best they've ever had

So push through the short term discomfort to open the gates for long term pleasure

 

[Chase]

Adding to @TomInHo...

Set yourself a few specific touch goals on dates:

1. Goal: touch her at least three times when making points.
2. Goal: aim to sit next to her so our legs are touching.
3. Goal: when walking with her, either walk arm-in-arm or put hand on her back.

Doesn't have to be those exactly. But set some goals, then go hit them.

If you miss them, keep the same goals, and keep going for them till you hit them.

Chase