Ex dynamics

[theblackpanther]

So me and my ex broke up on Sunday night. It is now Wednesday. I've already come to terms with our break-up. The break-up itself was healthy and we're still friends, she even joked about "coming back" in 2 months, which I laughed at. Honestly, I rather she doesn't try to come back as it would be easier on my mental health/life but I suspect she will because I was a great bf. The only thing she wished we did differently was "move slower" which I disagree with because we all know we have to move fast. One thing that I did do wrong was invest more in the relationship than her and that was a HUGE mistake, and honestly I believe is what led to our breakup.

Speaking more about the breakup, she seems to still want gf privileges while not being my gf anymore? For example, I'm a part of a fraternity and I run the parties for the frat, so she asked if I could still skip her to the front of our party lines(lol what?). She also said I could come by her room anytime to "come see her cat" that I helped her raise. Then she said that she still wants to drop by my room from time to time to "drop things off". Now to all of these I laughed and said "we'll see". I also did her a favor right before the breakup which resulted in her promising to buy me food, and I mentioned that I still plan to keep her to that promise(which we laughed about also). She's even keeping me up on her instagram page and her reasoning was "it would be too much work to take me down, that's so dramatic". The breakup was so non-chalant she made the comment of " this feels like a breakup you see on tv that makes you wonder if the characters are still together or not".

In my head, we're done and I don't expect her to come back and nor will I wait on her too. I'm already back to daygaming and have a bunch of events lined up to go to and enjoy myself. Not going to get hung up on this girl. If she was to come back it would have to be a completely new relationship dynamic and I would invest A LOT less into it and would have to see a lot of growth on her end at least with her emotional maturity.

We've stayed as "friends" after the breakup(she asked to), and by friends I mean we don't hate each other and don't talk shit to each other, and are polite when we see each other. Which is nice, because we both go to a small college and have a class together that meets 4 times a week lol. I also saw her yesterday in class and she was rambling about her day and her plans like I was her boyfriend still and that was funny to me. In response, I didn't tell her about my day or plans(mainly because I didn't see a reason to) but I listened, smiled, and flirted a bit non verbally(mainly touch and eye contact).

Now i'm just wondering what should I do socially when I see her or when she texts me? On my end I never reach out first, but she seems to be making effort to reach out to me. She just texted me today asking if I told my family about and i texted back "do you think i told them?" keeping her guessing I suppose. Most of the advice on this forum for breakups is to just go completely silent and go no contact, but that's not really an option here(same class, similar friend groups, small campus), so what should I do instead? I like what I'm doing currently with the light flirting and being calm,cool, and collected. My main worry with flirting is that I don't want to give her the impression I miss her or anything or want her back. Overall, I'm not too worried because this is a really recent breakup. Now of course I still think about her from time to time but not in the complete heartbroken type of way you usually see.

Please let me know what you think and if you have any questions about the breakup or the relationship.

Cheers

 

[theblackpanther]

I forgot to mention that the official reason why we broke up is because she feels like she loves me but is just not "in love" with me anymore. She also is very busy with her life(which is true i've seen it first hand), and she doesn't know she needs to be in a relationship right now. However, as I said before I truly feel like most of this wouldn't have happen a year into the relationship if I just kept my frame better and invested less than her. Everything else I feel like was good or at the very least decent. Sex wasn't a problem, even though she tried to limit it or take it away I held my frame firmly on fucking. I've also have gotten in better shape, grown out my hair, and developed better skin all throughout the relationship, so I don't think it was an attraction issue either when we broke up.


Thanks

 

[theReason]

I am really interested to hear what people have to say on this one.

I have a gung-ho opinion about it but not enough experience to back it up.

 

[Warped Mindless]

Didn’t read it all but basically she wanted the freedom to go fuck other men and she’s keeping you as orbiter and a “safe” fallback option.

 

[theblackpanther]

Didn’t read it all but basically she wanted the freedom to go fuck other men and she’s keeping you as orbiter and a “safe” fallback option.

Thanks. Kind of guessed this, but as I said I don't really care what she sees me as. Not waiting on her and already on my way to fucking other women. More wondering how should I interact with her because avoiding seeing her is impossible atm. If you read the rest it'll make sense.

 

[Will_V]

So me and my ex broke up on Sunday night. It is now Wednesday. I've already come to terms with our break-up. The break-up itself was healthy and we're still friends, she even joked about "coming back" in 2 months, which I laughed at. Honestly, I rather she doesn't try to come back as it would be easier on my mental health/life but I suspect she will because I was a great bf. The only thing she wished we did differently was "move slower" which I disagree with because we all know we have to move fast. One thing that I did do wrong was invest more in the relationship than her and that was a HUGE mistake, and honestly I believe is what led to our breakup.

Speaking more about the breakup, she seems to still want gf privileges while not being my gf anymore? For example, I'm a part of a fraternity and I run the parties for the frat, so she asked if I could still skip her to the front of our party lines(lol what?). She also said I could come by her room anytime to "come see her cat" that I helped her raise. Then she said that she still wants to drop by my room from time to time to "drop things off". Now to all of these I laughed and said "we'll see". I also did her a favor right before the breakup which resulted in her promising to buy me food, and I mentioned that I still plan to keep her to that promise(which we laughed about also). She's even keeping me up on her instagram page and her reasoning was "it would be too much work to take me down, that's so dramatic". The breakup was so non-chalant she made the comment of " this feels like a breakup you see on tv that makes you wonder if the characters are still together or not".

In my head, we're done and I don't expect her to come back and nor will I wait on her too. I'm already back to daygaming and have a bunch of events lined up to go to and enjoy myself. Not going to get hung up on this girl. If she was to come back it would have to be a completely new relationship dynamic and I would invest A LOT less into it and would have to see a lot of growth on her end at least with her emotional maturity.

We've stayed as "friends" after the breakup(she asked to), and by friends I mean we don't hate each other and don't talk shit to each other, and are polite when we see each other. Which is nice, because we both go to a small college and have a class together that meets 4 times a week lol. I also saw her yesterday in class and she was rambling about her day and her plans like I was her boyfriend still and that was funny to me. In response, I didn't tell her about my day or plans(mainly because I didn't see a reason to) but I listened, smiled, and flirted a bit non verbally(mainly touch and eye contact).

Now i'm just wondering what should I do socially when I see her or when she texts me? On my end I never reach out first, but she seems to be making effort to reach out to me. She just texted me today asking if I told my family about and i texted back "do you think i told them?" keeping her guessing I suppose. Most of the advice on this forum for breakups is to just go completely silent and go no contact, but that's not really an option here(same class, similar friend groups, small campus), so what should I do instead? I like what I'm doing currently with the light flirting and being calm,cool, and collected. My main worry with flirting is that I don't want to give her the impression I miss her or anything or want her back. Overall, I'm not too worried because this is a really recent breakup. Now of course I still think about her from time to time but not in the complete heartbroken type of way you usually see.

Please let me know what you think and if you have any questions about the breakup or the relationship.

Cheers

Sorry to hear it, breakups are never fun.

It depends on how the breakup went, I'm guessing you were the one who initiated? She's clearly trying to hold onto you. She'll always start waving in your face all the things you used to share when she wants to trigger your emotions and make you question your decision.

The way to handle breakups in my view is:

1. Make sure she knows that you are 100% committed to your decision.
2. When you meet or talk, be friendly and warm but not emotionally invested.
3. Don't play any games whatsoever, that's the easiest way to keep her hooked.
4. Keep contact to a minimum, the amount you'd give to an acquaintance but not a good friend.

The main things a girlfriend uses to measure your investment in her is a) your attention, and b) your emotional investment, so it has to be clear that those things are no longer hers. If she still has them she'll simply behave as if the breakup didn't happen.

 

[POB]

@theblackpanther
Google monkey branching.
That's what she is doing to you.

Here's the 3 steps you have to take:
1) cut contact
2) cut contact
3) cut contact

 

[theblackpanther]

Sorry to hear it, breakups are never fun.

It depends on how the breakup went, I'm guessing you were the one who initiated? She's clearly trying to hold onto you. She'll always start waving in your face all the things you used to share when she wants to trigger your emotions and make you question your decision.

The way to handle breakups in my view is:

1. Make sure she knows that you are 100% committed to your decision.
2. When you meet or talk, be friendly and warm but not emotionally invested.
3. Don't play any games whatsoever, that's the easiest way to keep her hooked.
4. Keep contact to a minimum, the amount you'd give to an acquaintance but not a good friend.

The main things a girlfriend uses to measure your investment in her is a) your attention, and b) your emotional investment, so it has to be clear that those things are no longer hers. If she still has them she'll simply behave as if the breakup didn't happen.

Thanks Will. For some reason, you always clear my mind when it comes to these things. From what I understand I'm going to stop the flirting entirely and treat her an an acquaintance as you said. For the text message I'm going to reply with a simple "yes i did tell my fam" and leave things at that. Obviously she's still in my head seeing that I made an entire post about her, but the less I interact or emotionally invest the better things will get. She will no longer have my attention either. Being polite is as far as I'll go.

Thank you for the help.

 

[Skills]

Didn’t read it all but basically she wanted the freedom to go fuck other men and she’s keeping you as orbiter and a “safe” fallback option.

Is not necessarily like this per se... But, what happens op is she is getting bored and you getting a bit needy and she is flirting or eying a dude that she has perception better option on the present, and she wants to make sure if her bet goes south, you are a safety net.... Cut all contact, try to avoid bumping into her or being in places were she is... Till you have fully moved on and heal completely... When you do this, she will try every possible way to run into you or get back with you... Also take her and her friends out of your social media...i will link you my break up post later...

 

[Skills]

Sorry to hear it, breakups are never fun.

It depends on how the breakup went, I'm guessing you were the one who initiated? She's clearly trying to hold onto you. She'll always start waving in your face all the things you used to share when she wants to trigger your emotions and make you question your decision.

The way to handle breakups in my view is:

1. Make sure she knows that you are 100% committed to your decision.
2. When you meet or talk, be friendly and warm but not emotionally invested.
3. Don't play any games whatsoever, that's the easiest way to keep her hooked.
4. Keep contact to a minimum, the amount you'd give to an acquaintance but not a good friend.

The main things a girlfriend uses to measure your investment in her is a) your attention, and b) your emotional investment, so it has to be clear that those things are no longer hers. If she still has them she'll simply behave as if the breakup didn't happen.

The way it looks she did it directly or indirectly set him to do it...

 

[theblackpanther]

The way it looks she did it directly or indirectly set him to do it...

She indirectly set me up to do it.

 

[theblackpanther]

Is not necessarily like this per se... But, what happens op is she is getting bored and you getting a bit needy and she is flirting or eying a dude that she has perception better option on the present, and she wants to make sure if her bet goes south, you are a safety net.... Cut all contact, try to avoid bumping into her or being in places were she is... Till you have fully moved on and heal completely... When you do this, she will try every possible way to run into you or get back with you... Also take her and her friends out of your social media...i will link you my break up post later...

Maybe she is eyeing a dude. It’s fine, i had like 3 backups anyway that I was flirting with once I saw the relationship potentially ending. My healing process has been great so far, journaling and video diaries have been the main way of getting my thoughts out in a healthy manner. I have no resentment towards her, and she could fuck whoever. I’ve already been avoiding her and she’s been reaching out constantly over text, now she’s asking me how did my parents take the breakup. My assumption is she’s worried about her chances coming back if my parents hate her or something. She’s definitely keeping me as a backup I’ve noticed, and obviously I’m worth more than that. I’ll probably have at least a girl or 2 in my rotation by the time she does try to come around and we’ll see what happens then. I can’t wait to read your breakup post, wonder how you handled things.

 

[theblackpanther]

So me and my ex broke up on Sunday night. It is now Wednesday. I've already come to terms with our break-up. The break-up itself was healthy and we're still friends, she even joked about "coming back" in 2 months, which I laughed at. Honestly, I rather she doesn't try to come back as it would be easier on my mental health/life but I suspect she will because I was a great bf. The only thing she wished we did differently was "move slower" which I disagree with because we all know we have to move fast. One thing that I did do wrong was invest more in the relationship than her and that was a HUGE mistake, and honestly I believe is what led to our breakup.

Speaking more about the breakup, she seems to still want gf privileges while not being my gf anymore? For example, I'm a part of a fraternity and I run the parties for the frat, so she asked if I could still skip her to the front of our party lines(lol what?). She also said I could come by her room anytime to "come see her cat" that I helped her raise. Then she said that she still wants to drop by my room from time to time to "drop things off". Now to all of these I laughed and said "we'll see". I also did her a favor right before the breakup which resulted in her promising to buy me food, and I mentioned that I still plan to keep her to that promise(which we laughed about also). She's even keeping me up on her instagram page and her reasoning was "it would be too much work to take me down, that's so dramatic". The breakup was so non-chalant she made the comment of " this feels like a breakup you see on tv that makes you wonder if the characters are still together or not".

In my head, we're done and I don't expect her to come back and nor will I wait on her too. I'm already back to daygaming and have a bunch of events lined up to go to and enjoy myself. Not going to get hung up on this girl. If she was to come back it would have to be a completely new relationship dynamic and I would invest A LOT less into it and would have to see a lot of growth on her end at least with her emotional maturity.

We've stayed as "friends" after the breakup(she asked to), and by friends I mean we don't hate each other and don't talk shit to each other, and are polite when we see each other. Which is nice, because we both go to a small college and have a class together that meets 4 times a week lol. I also saw her yesterday in class and she was rambling about her day and her plans like I was her boyfriend still and that was funny to me. In response, I didn't tell her about my day or plans(mainly because I didn't see a reason to) but I listened, smiled, and flirted a bit non verbally(mainly touch and eye contact).

Now i'm just wondering what should I do socially when I see her or when she texts me? On my end I never reach out first, but she seems to be making effort to reach out to me. She just texted me today asking if I told my family about and i texted back "do you think i told them?" keeping her guessing I suppose. Most of the advice on this forum for breakups is to just go completely silent and go no contact, but that's not really an option here(same class, similar friend groups, small campus), so what should I do instead? I like what I'm doing currently with the light flirting and being calm,cool, and collected. My main worry with flirting is that I don't want to give her the impression I miss her or anything or want her back. Overall, I'm not too worried because this is a really recent breakup. Now of course I still think about her from time to time but not in the complete heartbroken type of way you usually see.

Please let me know what you think and if you have any questions about the breakup or the relationship.

Cheers

Another update:

After telling her that my family is fine and don’t hate her lol. She seems relieved. Now she’s asking me how I’m doing.

Now this I wonder how to respond. Any tips? Because I’m fine to be honest. One could even say almost thriving, but I want to know how to respond to her. Tempted to just say
“I’m Fine. Hope your good”

Seems polite and just enough. Something you would say to a “acquaintance” as @Will_V would put it.
Any thoughts? @Skills

 

[theblackpanther]

Is not necessarily like this per se... But, what happens op is she is getting bored and you getting a bit needy and she is flirting or eying a dude that she has perception better option on the present, and she wants to make sure if her bet goes south, you are a safety net.... Cut all contact, try to avoid bumping into her or being in places were she is... Till you have fully moved on and heal completely... When you do this, she will try every possible way to run into you or get back with you... Also take her and her friends out of your social media...i will link you my break up post later...

Also, I'll admit. Once I noticed I was putting in more investment than her I did get needy, which led to our breakup. Would the appropriate reaction would've been to just fall back instead?

 

[TomInHo]

Another update:

After telling her that my family is fine and don’t hate her lol. She seems relieved. Now she’s asking me how I’m doing.

Now this I wonder how to respond. Any tips? Because I’m fine to be honest. One could even say almost thriving, but I want to know how to respond to her. Tempted to just say
“I’m Fine. Hope your good”

Seems polite and just enough. Something you would say to a “acquaintance” as @Will_V would put it.
Any thoughts? @Skills

Move on bro

You don't owe her anything. The relationship is over, and your healing will happen faster if you cut off all contact. It’s not about being ‘salty’—it’s about respecting yourself and your time.

Truth is you want to keep the "connection" because you were so invested in that relationship and a part of you probably wants to fix things with her

But don't do it

It's more productive to get your needs met with someone new because you won't have the bad precedent of a failed relationship over your head.

Put yourself first because this girl and how she feels really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Use the lessons from this relationship to be better for the next girl(s)

The past belongs in the rearview mirror. Work through what you need to, but do it with someone who sees your value and matches your effort.

 

[Chase]

@theblackpanther,

In addition to what everyone else here has said:

The more time, energy, and emotion you spend dealing with her, answering her questions, visiting her, thinking about her, wondering what the right call is with her, etc., the more emotionally invested in her you are and will continue to be.

Here's the cool superpower women have: they have the ability to break up with a man, get railed every which way by their new man, yet still keep the old man on the hook in case the new guy doesn't want to commit or doesn't end up being commitment-worthy once she's had a closer look / gotten her orgasms with him.

Meanwhile a lot of the times the guy she's doing this with is too emotionally caught up in her still to play his A game. He's maybe able to bed some mid-range chicks but the girls at her level are out of his reach because his confidence is too shattered and he's too emotionally unsure. Which of course just keeps him hooked into her even more, because "none of these other girls I'm getting are as good as her. Maybe I should get back together with her."

Now i'm just wondering what should I do socially when I see her or when she texts me? On my end I never reach out first, but she seems to be making effort to reach out to me. She just texted me today asking if I told my family about and i texted back "do you think i told them?" keeping her guessing I suppose.

What are you trying to "keep her guessing" for? Are you re-seducing this chick?

Here's the deal: this was your chick. You have two choices:

1. Go stick your dick in her and re-claim her as your chick. If you really want to invest all this emotional energy in her and play these games with her, you'd better be fucking her. You were already fucking her; it doesn't even make sense to downgrade to "I'll just keep putting all that energy in, except I won't fuck her."
   
   
2. Axe 100% of the games and treat her like any other chick. Be cordial, be nice, but just treat her like whatever chick you went to primary school with or whatever and maybe used to hang out with back in the day so you have some history but that's it. You're not going to play mind games with your primary school ex-friend, go over to see her pet, or whatever. You can have a nice three-minute chat once a semester but there's really no point in anything else beside that.

Anything other than one of these two choices banishes you to a No Man's Land where you aren't getting pussy and aren't moving on.

Which I guess would be a really nice and considerate thing for you to do for her sake.

It is really sweet to continue to invest energy and make her feel very safe while she tries out other men.

But as kindly as that is to her, it's not very kind to yourself.

Chase

 

[theblackpanther]

@theblackpanther,

In addition to what everyone else here has said:

The more time, energy, and emotion you spend dealing with her, answering her questions, visiting her, thinking about her, wondering what the right call is with her, etc., the more emotionally invested in her you are and will continue to be.

Here's the cool superpower women have: they have the ability to break up with a man, get railed every which way by their new man, yet still keep the old man on the hook in case the new guy doesn't want to commit or doesn't end up being commitment-worthy once she's had a closer look / gotten her orgasms with him.

Meanwhile a lot of the times the guy she's doing this with is too emotionally caught up in her still to play his A game. He's maybe able to bed some mid-range chicks but the girls at her level are out of his reach because his confidence is too shattered and he's too emotionally unsure. Which of course just keeps him hooked into her even more, because "none of these other girls I'm getting are as good as her. Maybe I should get back together with her."



What are you trying to "keep her guessing" for? Are you re-seducing this chick?

Here's the deal: this was your chick. You have two choices:

1. Go stick your dick in her and re-claim her as your chick. If you really want to invest all this emotional energy in her and play these games with her, you'd better be fucking her. You were already fucking her; it doesn't even make sense to downgrade to "I'll just keep putting all that energy in, except I won't fuck her."
   
   
2. Axe 100% of the games and treat her like any other chick. Be cordial, be nice, but just treat her like whatever chick you went to primary school with or whatever and maybe used to hang out with back in the day so you have some history but that's it. You're not going to play mind games with your primary school ex-friend, go over to see her pet, or whatever. You can have a nice three-minute chat once a semester but there's really no point in anything else beside that.

Anything other than one of these two choices banishes you to a No Man's Land where you aren't getting pussy and aren't moving on.

Which I guess would be a really nice and considerate thing for you to do for her sake.

It is really sweet to continue to invest energy and make her feel very safe while she tries out other men.

But as kindly as that is to her, it's not very kind to yourself.

Chase

Thank you fellas. I'm going no contact, only way we're going to see or talk to each other is in class. As for the texts she's keeps doing, cutting them short and making sure they don't continue and then stop replying all together. All of this has helped, and I'm in an even better mental state than I was this morning.

Polite is as far as I'll go.

Which I guess would be a really nice and considerate thing for you to do for her sake.

It is really sweet to continue to invest energy and make her feel very safe while she tries out other men.

But as kindly as that is to her, it's not very kind to yourself.

This was a damn wake up call.

What are you trying to "keep her guessing" for? Are you re-seducing this chick?

I guess I thought I could subconsciously but couldn't make a full decision. After all this advice though, I'm certain with my decision. I'm ACTUALLY at peace now.

Thanks.
Cheers.
Onto new women.

 

[Skills]

Maybe she is eyeing a dude. It’s fine, i had like 3 backups anyway that I was flirting with once I saw the relationship potentially ending. My healing process has been great so far, journaling and video diaries have been the main way of getting my thoughts out in a healthy manner. I have no resentment towards her, and she could fuck whoever. I’ve already been avoiding her and she’s been reaching out constantly over text, now she’s asking me how did my parents take the breakup. My assumption is she’s worried about her chances coming back if my parents hate her or something. She’s definitely keeping me as a backup I’ve noticed, and obviously I’m worth more than that. I’ll probably have at least a girl or 2 in my rotation by the time she does try to come around and we’ll see what happens then. I can’t wait to read your breakup post, wonder how you handled things.

you can fuck 50 girls and say all that block of text, if you have onitis you have onitis.... I have ^ about 3 to 5 girls in every giving year doing the above, you don't see me, nor other dudes, asking about ex dynamics... Reason you are doing and asking all this cause you are hurting (is ok i did the same is total cope)... Anyways, here is a good post and tons of good contributions and links and sources....

Break Ups - Break up dynamics for secret society members (seducers, women, gays)

Most break up posts, blogs, videos are mainly accurate but from a normal person view, not from a secret society (specially seducer/player) perspective. What is the difference you may ask? A secret society member is able to access sexual partners fairly quick and usually do not get onitis...

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[theblackpanther]

you can fuck 50 girls and say all that block of text, if you have onitis you have onitis.... I have ^ about 3 to 5 girls in every giving year doing the above, you don't see me, nor other dudes, asking about ex dynamics... Reason you are doing and asking all this cause you are hurting (is ok i did the same is total cope)... Anyways, here is a good post and tons of good contributions and links and sources....

Break Ups - Break up dynamics for secret society members (seducers, women, gays)

Most break up posts, blogs, videos are mainly accurate but from a normal person view, not from a secret society (specially seducer/player) perspective. What is the difference you may ask? A secret society member is able to access sexual partners fairly quick and usually do not get onitis...

www.skilledseducer.com

No offense but the breakup was….4 days ago. So I think I’m at a pretty good headspace all this considered.

 

[theblackpanther]

No offense but the breakup was….4 days ago. So I think I’m at a pretty good headspace all this considered.

Things*