Long-Term Ex is currently in cool down phase, what should I do?

[haiddsalami]

We are in a 4+ year relationship and we have a child together, which is why we haven't left each other (we're still living together). She's dating other people but I believe she is in the cool down phase of a Type 1 ex (Screw you jerk!). I sense that because she's starting to see some of my positive qualities again and is not getting as frustrated with me. Although we've been together for 4 years, she's moved into the cool down phase rather quickly (only took her about a month and a half). My question is since we live together, and the cool down phase is the worst phase to try to win her back, how should I act and what should I do during this time? Since she reached this phase so quickly, am I to assume she might reach the longing phase quickly as well?

 

[PinotNoir]

Dude, if she's dating other people, move on. Date other women that are like 10x hotter with 10x better personalities. Work on living somewhere else if you can. Focus your energy on yourself, on moving out, and on other women -- not on her.

I know that with a kid it can be tough, but that obviously didn't stop her since she's dating other men. If she truly cared about you and wanted to make this work, she wouldn't be doing that. Listen to actions, not words.

And in the long run, it's probably healthier for the kid that you'll be in a healthy and happy relationship with someone else. Do you really want to deal with this shit from your ex anymore?

Make a commitment to approach at least 10 women this week or to at least meet 10 women on an online dating site this week. Leave her in the past.

 

[Whizzy]

Going off of what Pinot said, dating other women will only make you more desirable too

 

[haiddsalami]

Thanks for the responses guys, much appreciated. I also should have clarified (it was late for me and I was groggy). She's not exactly an ex, when I read that article on how to get your girlfriend back, I referenced her as an ex because she fit the category. We're still together while she tries to figure out if she wants to stay with me and whether or not our issues are workable. She turned to dating other men because I wasn't meeting her needs emotionally as well as feeling like I wasn't supportive enough with raising the kid and not being family oriented and wasn't working as part of a team. Emotional needs that aren't met is usually how affairs start; there was some void that she was missing and just looked for it elsewhere. So she is basically dating to see if there is someone who's more compatible with her and shares the same values with her (family, religion, etc). She got to a point in our relationship where she felt like it was over but I'm still around because of our kid. I'm in the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" zone. I'm sure as you know, in long relationships/marriages, people will fall in and out of love at various times throughout and I do believe she can fall back in love. I didn't understand how she felt or what she was looking for from me until I talked to some friends of mine who have kids of their own and oddly enough they all went through the same thing, although not as severe as my case.

Additionally, since having the kid last January, I hadn't proposed yet and marriage is a BIG thing for her. We didn't want a shotgun wedding so we wanted to wait until after our kid was born. Unfortunately, with the newborn and me getting a new and much more stressful job last year, marriage wasn't at the front of my mind but it has always been my intention. In essence, I didn't progress the relationship.

I'm the one who wants this relationship to work (I come from a line of thinking that issues in a relationship should be worked on) and I think ultimately, she wants us to work out too. She was just too frustrated at first to see things clearly but I think she's turning the corner to where she can start seeing my positives again. As for Pinot's suggestion on dating, that makes sense, however if she finds out I'm dating, in her eyes, that means I've given up on us and I'm done working on it. She's definitely an odd one and from everyone I've talked to, I have the support of my friends, her friends and even her family.

 

[PinotNoir]

If the problem is truly that she's been pressuring you for a more stable, committed relationship and you have been refusing, then there's really only one solution: Tell her that you want a more serious, monogamous relationship with her. And, as you said, take care of her emotionally, etc. I think you pretty much answered your own question

It sounds pretty simple to me, but you're making it complicated.

 

[haiddsalami]

She didn't exactly pressure me and I refused. She explicitly stated in the past that she didn't want to pressure me because I always said I would propose when the time was right (guess I fubar'ed that one). I've definitely expressed that I want a stable and committed relationship, but I think I may have convinced her too late (after she had already felt like she was "done" with the relationship). I know she's had some pretty crappy proposals in the past (guy just tosses her a ring and says here's your ring) so I wanted to go above and beyond to make it special. She actually gave me an ultimatum about two years ago: either propose or knock her up. She was apparently kidding about the second choice but accidents happen, right?

I recently brought up with her how much I should spend on a ring, and in the past she said she didn't want anything too expensive because the cost couldn't be justified. This time around, she said she didn't want a "sad looking ring". When I talked to her sister recently, she said my gf seemed excited when she mentioned that I had asked her how much I should spend, which makes her sister think that there's definitely hope for us and she thinks that void that's missing (or at least a big part of it) is marriage. But, I also know from what my gf has told me (and she's been very open and honest) that she has other fears as well, such as whether or not my family oriented (being part of a team) changes will stick, whether or not her sexual passion for me will come back and she's afraid that she won't remain faithful to me because she thinks she will always feel like something is missing.

But what I'm hearing from you, Pinot, is I should just keep doing what I'm doing, show her that I care, focus on her/us and not on her dating (i.e. try to not let it get the best of me) and get it through to her that I want that committed relationship?

 

[PinotNoir]

OK, first, I apologize for my confusing posts here. I've just been trying to unravel this situation.

So, is this is how you would describe what happened? (or at least close to it)

- You started dating and having sex with no commitment
- Oops, accidentally got her pregnant (it happens)
- She began to imply wanting a committed relationship either before or after this
- You just acted aloof and didn't truly commit
- She began dating other guys because you were so aloof
- Now you actually want a committed relationship

Is this somewhat accurate?

Internally, I'm conflicted.

One side of me....
sees that she's dating other people. Why can she date other people but you can't? That's hypocritical and not the type of power dynamic any man should accept. "Hey Honey, yeah, you can date and potentially have sex with other guys. But, since I messed up, I won't date anyone else." This just seems wrong. In this sense, I agree with my original statement to move on to other women.

The other side of me....
does not know all of the history. Perhaps, when she was pressuring for commitment, you were off dating and making love to other women. In this case, you were doing what she's doing now, so it's kind of fair. In this case, I think you need to sit down and talk about this. I hate to use an ultimatum because it puts in you a "weak" position, but I really don't see another way unless a more experienced guy comes along and comments. Here's how I see it: "Hey honey, we need to talk about some things. First, I know that I was wrong in the past, but now I'm different. Now, I want a committed relationship just like you wanted with me. We have a kid now. I see that you're dating other guys though. I'm not the type of guy that's just going to sit around and twiddle his thumbs and fully commit to a girl while she's off kissing other guys. If you want to be with me, let me know, and you don't have to decide now but in a few days. If you don't want to be with me, then I'm going to start dating new women."

 

[haiddsalami]

No apology needed. You're somewhat accurate except for the first, third and last points. Before we started dating, we both agreed that we wanted a committed relationship with marriage and a family. The problem was I didn't express to her that I wanted to progress the relationship to marriage. In my mind, it was always my intention. I never talked to her about it because I like to surprise her. But then, when she got pregnant, she started seeing issues with me.

She was ready for the baby, I wasn't. I eventually came to embrace the concept of being a dad, but the damage had been done. Once the baby was born, she didn't see me as being a supportive father. She had all the babysitting experience, I had none and had no clue what to do so I let her take lead on that, which she saw as me not caring. There's a bunch of issues that have since stemmed from that, but a lot of it was from miscommunication where she felt like she had tried expressing her feelings to me, but I didnt understand where those feelings were coming from nor did I know what she wanted me to do to make her feel better, so then she felt like I had dismissed her feelings. To her, it seemed like I didn't care at all.

I've explained my point of view so many times and she keeps going back to "that's easy to say now, when I felt like I was over it". It's like she doesn't believe anything I say.

 

[Whizzy]

Easy way to solve this, ask her "What do you want?" If she plays dumb then feel free to narrow down what you could possibly mean