FU Expectations mismatch on a date and poor sexual vibe

[Jan]

PRE-DATE

The report is about a 50+ MILF I met on Tinder. During convo on Tinder I stated pretty early that I'm looking for fun here. She replied to me that she is also looking for fun but multi-dimensional. She clarified later that she is looking for someone to go on dates with, go to cinema, theater, opera, sightseeing, vacations.

We had a pretty good social vibe on Tinder, getting to know each other. However, every time I introduced some light sexual remarks she would become less involved.

She was suggesting herself, telling me that she is going to take a bath or that she just took a bath and now she is walking naked around the house.

We continued talking on Tinder, and at some point she send me an invitation to Whatsapp.

On Whatsapp we talked more and I told her that I discovered this great spot in the city last weekend, and it's so amazing that I have to take her there. I also mentioned that I discovered a great restaurant and that I can take her there if she likes Thai food.

Finally, we agreed to go out on a date to see the spot and possibly visit the restaurant later on.

DATE

On the way to the date I called her that I'm hungry and that we should eat first and go on a trip later. She agreed without problems.

We met at the restaurant. Initially she was qualifiying herself hard, telling me that she goes to a gym and that she grows muscles, she showed me the muscles and let me check them.

We spent about 2-3 hours in the restaurant talking a lot about her and myself. She was very open talking about everything, she told me about her career, and dilemmas she is currently facing, we talked about her past relationships, about her son, and also what she is missing in life. We also talked about her sex life, about what she thinks about threesomes. She said that she have these fantasies but she isn't sure she would be able to do them in real life.

She asked a lot questions about me, my career, my relationships, my plans, etc.

I told her that I'm looking for a long term partner this year to have children with. However I also made it obvious to her that it can't be her, because she can't be pregnant anymore. It's actually more, that she mentioned this herself. I didn't say this directly, just nodded.

On the sexual side, I looked into her eyes, complimenting her style and her body. I also touched her hands, her cheek and her thighs. She seems little uncomfortable when I touched her hands and cheek, probably not accustomed to be touched in public. She didn't protest when I touch her things though. It was less publicly visible. She told me about her previous sexual encounters with some men, and she also showed me her naked photo. Once again qualifiying, this time sexually.

She showed some vulnerability by telling me about her insecurities, and I shared mine. I told her it's totally normal how she feels, and she told me that I shouldn't be ashamed about my vulnerabilities.

Even thought we never went to see the spot, she told me that she really appreciated the initiative and thought it was a great idea. All other guys usually don't show any initiative.

The problem started when I asked if she wants to invite me to her place (she lives nearby the restaurant). She refused and started talking about her expectations, that she doesn't have sex on the first date. I guess she seemed little disrespected and she started telling a story about some other guy who also kind of directly proposed her to have casual sex. She read me his message and he seemed much more disrespectful thought. He told her that he usually doesn't sleep with women older than him (he is in his mid 40s) but can try with her. Or something like that. It seems to me that she felt disrespected in both situations. Even thought he phrased seemed to me worse than how I did it.

She asked me if I can drive her home, and I did. We talked more about our expectations in the car, and after the date I was thinking that there is a big mismatch between our expectations. I would like to have her as a casual fuck body + some deep talking in her or my place, and she is looking for a long term partner to go on dates, be given flowers, travel and show me to her friends.

I also invited her to my place as I thought maybe she doesn't want to be seen with a guy coming to her place. She refused, and she also refused when I tried to invite myself to her place again when we were already in front of her apartment block.

Finally, she gave me a kiss on the lips and run away.

Personal review: as I said before, I thought that there was a big mismatch between our expectations which seemed to amplify the more we talked about it. I also feel that maybe we talked too much about the image in her mind - the image of her essentially looking for a guy to look after her, provide, partner. In terms of sexual vibe, I guess, sexual escalation was poor on the emotional level. There was a lot of talk about sex but it seemed more factual than emotional. I felt it was kind of difficult for me to escalate sexually as she felt uncomfortable being touched in a small restaurant (even though our table was pretty hidden). The only sexual escalation she kind of accepted fully was eye contact and a touch on her thigh. And talking about sex in general.

Any ideas where I fucked up?

 

[Zoro]

Too much discussion.

Women want to get lost in the experience. Sex is like a dance that starts when you first meet. She wants to be immersed in a good experience.

Discussing it, is like watching a performance and then the lights come on, and people start talking about how the show could be better, what they are really looking for in the performance, what they don't like, etc.

Don't discuss your dance, just start dancing. If you're a good dancer, she will want to keep dancing with you.

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about dancing... I'm talking about the experience of the interaction. Leading her through it, rather than talking about it.

 

[Beck Bass]

Discussing it, is like watching a performance and then the lights come on, and people start talking about how the show could be better, what they are really looking for in the performance, what they don't like, etc.

It can be interesting, for sure, but depends on the right girl and right situation... Also doing it in the right way.
With girls like these, you don't wanna be talking much about sex, it's not their thing.

Some women are just less experienced, sexual or they are even a bit awkward about sex @Jan. Maybe they have some trauma in their past that didn't allow themselves to open up, maybe they had a very supressive conservative upbringing or whatever. Those girls just don't react well to more sexual escalation, they take longer to open up and maybe expect you gonna make them super safe before sex, like being super romantic, maybe making some silly promise, I don't even know lol. But you know, every girl needs to feel safe enough with you before sex, and since those girls have very little experience and maybe have been burned in the past (as far as sex goes), they need WAY more than the average girl as far as feel connected/safe with you.

I asked if she wants to invite me to her place

You just escalated way too much and triggered her anti-slut defense (not sure if the way people use the term is mostly about the way the girl feel about herself, but that's the reason, she feels cheap and indeed disrespected, as you said). Of course some women can also be just posturing, like she wants you to commit as much as she can make you do before sex, so she's faking shock over your sexual advances, but I think those cases are rare (even if it happens, maybe you should just let it slide, probably better not to get involved with girls manipulative as those).

And as @Wick said, talking about it just cements on her mind she felt cheap. Like those flowers stuff, every women wants these, but it's a bit of a "childish" Disney type of thing (not saying girls wanting flowers and romance from guys is childish, but that expecting that every guy is gonna treat her like a princess is silly, and in the end that's not even how women want to be treated practically. Like of course they want romance, but they also want a manly guy that's gonna take charge and fuck her good, but again, if a girl is been burned by sex in the past, she might recent that part a bit and avoid it, mentally and in guys). It's more about giving her enough romancey stuff and escalating with care, making sure she's confortable, but getting sexual. Those girls are tough, and it's understandable you don't wanna deal with that, just know that every girl has at least a little bit of this. You don't need to push for sex on the first date, but ofc it's your call by the end of the day, how far are you willing to go for a girl

Also the pull is a key moment on the seduction, you have to feel the girl is ready for it and transition smoothly (or just throw a hail marry if you're not sure). But the way you did was maybe a bit... Entitled? Not sure how it came up in person, but if you just out of the blue ask a girl if she wants to go home with you as she's thinking of leaving, specially if the date is ending, in her head, she's not going to react well. Ideally the end of the date will be a high point and you will have more compliance with the girl, and then you gonna use that emotional momentum to go over the edge... Not sure if I got my point across, but it works like most compliance, you escalate and you previous to get more, and sex is the final compliance, by the end of the day (or more likely night lol). But again, sometimes you just gotta go for it, or wait for the next date, hopefully she'll open up more