Extreme hot to extreme cold?

[ogalego]

I caved and decided to ask complete strangers on my situation I'd like to better understand. I will try my best to keep it succinct.

My good friend hooked me up with a co-worker of his on a "blind-date" or sorts. It went well. I kissed her on the second date. We had sex by the fourth date. All within 3-4 weeks. Everything felt natural and smooth and she was always very responsive. She was really digging me based on my own awareness and proof from my friend, because she's very "talky" at work.

The week after the sex-close she had an extreme busy week where there was minimal contact , so I made no big deal (even though my instincts we telling otherwise) since I will see her on the weekend. Unfortunately, she cancels on me the day of due to being overwhelmed from work. I made no big deal and move on (though I sensed something). A couple of days later she follows up by asking me to see her that weekend.

This is where things get weird. Two days later I get a long, monologue of a text, saying: she got out of a 3-year relationship, where she was living with the dude and marriage was discussed. She ended it not long before meeting me and that she felt she was moving fast with me and that it was her fault because she felt that was an easy way to get over him. But she's not she says and that she didn't think she would like me so much this soon.

So I told her I empathized with her (and got myself ready to move on). But she followed up saying she doesn't want to stop seeing me, again emphasizing the fact she REALLY likes me. I told her that I enjoy hanging out with her and that we'll see how things go. (Just trying to stay cool and not pressure her.)

All this came out of left-field to me. Anyway, she never really followed up with our date that weekend and I never really wanted to bring it up, as to not coming off "needy." At this point I was telling myself, "don't pressure her, but don't be a stranger, let her "chase" you."

After that, contact has been minimal yet still friendly. I drove up to Portland with my buddy and she sent me a "have fun" text. On Christmas, I we exchanged texts and I followed up by asking her out. No response.

This is where things get odd, for me. Since she works with my buddy, I mentioned this to him. He told me that she told him about my text and that she had responded that she will be away on vacation. Hmm.

When she got back after New Year's, my buddy mentioned it to her. She claimed to have never telling my buddy she had responded to me (making my friend a liar, though she is). She then said that she doesn't have to respond to me if she does want to.

That is where I am at. I hadn't texted her in that last couple of weeks, until the other day. Again no response. Perhaps I shouldn't have sent her a text, but I wanted to take a shot. At this point, I just gotta move on.

Basically what I want to understand is where I MYSELF may have done wrong, if so (for my own self-improvement). And to understand the extremeness of her behavior.

I appreciate your reading and giving me objective thoughts and advise. Thanks!

tl;dr version:
-We hit it off, dating and sex within one month; she is smitten
-She drops the bomb about recently getting out of long relationship
-She says she likes me a lot and still wants to continue seeing me
-Her behavior switches to someone of low interest/playing games

 

[lanseri]

Not claiming to be any sort of expert on this subject, but here's my two cents -
She could have a dozen reasons, but to me it sounds like she's in the middle of processing her breakup and feelings toward that other guy. Could it be you were a bit of a rebound? From your description it doesn't seem like you made any ridiculous mistakes.

In any case, I can't help but see the similarities to my own thread here. And I'd suggest the same I suggest to myself - turn your attention to new girls. She obviously needs some space and new girls will make her notice you again. (And get your self-confidence back)

 

[ogalego]

Yeah, I mean things are fresh and then she jumps into something with me and she caught feelings. And when I get that huge text explaining her situation, the PUA thought would be: "Oh screw this, run, she totally just saying she's no longer interested." But I try not to be that cut and dry, and I thought I handled it pretty well without coming off needy or a jerk.

But now, it feels like this extreme distance that IS telling me to go "fuck off, I ain't interested." And I just don't understand where that all came from. Why say that you don't wanna stop seeing me, but then go off and act extreme cold?

And you're right, I will turn my attention elsewhere. Her loss.

 

[lanseri]

I know it sucks now. But please try and keep your chin up and just smile about it. You don't want to grow resentful of her or what happened.

 

[Franco]

ogalego,

I have to agree with lanseri for the most part -- I don't see any game-breaking mistakes made here. She may just be genuinely in an emotional roller coaster because of recent ending to her long-term relationship, so her emotions are going to rock back and forth from one day to the next. One day she'll say she still really wants to see you, and then another day she won't even respond to your texts. That's how it is sometimes.

If there was one thing to possibly critique, it might be this:

On Christmas, I we exchanged texts and I followed up by asking her out. No response.

I'm curious here as to how exactly you asked her out. She did already tell you she got out of a long-term relationship with (obviously) a lot of emotions, so the last thing on her mind right now is probably dating. If you asked her for something other than coming directly over to your place, then you might have worried her a bit that you were looking to move things quickly towards a relationship. After you've already slept with a girl, it's better just to invite her to come over for the night since the number one thing she'll be wanting is the feeling of a man in the bedroom with no worry of having any unwanted strings attached.

From there, if you're giving her good sex, she'll usually just keep coming back for it until she starts to form deeper feelings for you. Of course, if her situation is that she was literally just looking for a rebound (or if the sex wasn't anything amazing), then there's not much you can do to make her chase you.

- Franco

 

[ogalego]

I appreciate the post, Franco.

I empathize with her situation, even though her execution for telling me her deal seemed overkill. This day and age girls find it easier to throw so much information through a text than one-on-one. In her case, tell me here and there would have allowed me to easily grasp her situation. I got it all at once and I think I handled it decently.

I'm curious here as to how exactly you asked her out. She did already tell you she got out of a long-term relationship with (obviously) a lot of emotions, so the last thing on her mind right now is probably dating. If you asked her for something other than coming directly over to your place, then you might have worried her a bit that you were looking to move things quickly towards a relationship. After you've already slept with a girl, it's better just to invite her to come over for the night since the number one thing she'll be wanting is the feeling of a man in the bedroom with no worry of having any unwanted strings attached.

I believed I just asked her what her weekend was like and that we should do something. I was trying to feel her out before making any specific plans.

Your paragraph is very interesting and I wish you could further elaborate. We were obviously "dating" before having sex, so how would a simple get-to-together be more harmful (in sense of leading to a relationship) than telling an apparent emotionally-lost person to come over and try to have sex with? I would think more sex would further complicate things (depending on the person). I'm just curious on your rationale. I find it really interesting.

From there, if you're giving her good sex, she'll usually just keep coming back for it until she starts to form deeper feelings for you.

I can see what you mean here. In fact, I did give her good sex. Our first night was great, where (without too much detail) she said, "I don't think I can come anymore than I have." And she still did. She came back for more days later. So I think our sexual connection is pretty good.

Of course, if her situation is that she was literally just looking for a rebound (or if the sex wasn't anything amazing), then there's not much you can do to make her chase you.

And I thought of that situation, especially from her first text telling me her situation. I was ready to understand. But then she tells me THREE times she still wants to see me. So then I was ready to understand not to allow MYSELF to rush into things and pressure her. Cool. But then she's not acting on her words. After getting no response after Christmas and learning "I don't need to respond if I don't want to" through my friend, I was just like, "huh?"

If all she wanted was a rebound and be done with me, why bother making it known she still wants to continue seeing me?

I understand the go-to solution is just to fall off the face of the Earth and just worry about me, talk to other girls, etc. But is there anything else?