Extreme Social Anxiety

[sunnygirl]

Hey guys, hope you are all doing well!

I guess I wanted advice on something that I've been struggling with. Recently, as @Surveyor knows I moved into my dorm at Florida State and I was having a blast at first. I moved in a couple weeks early than I expected (supposed to be late July) but they had a couple of slots left for the summer session, and I was really excited to leave my house...my family is being a bit dysfunctional right now, my parents recently divorced and just a lot of fights going on.

Anyways, It was so nice to finally be independent of my nagging strict parents, who were strict to the point where I didn't have a curfew, because I wasn't allowed out! My mother was the stereotypical Chinese tiger mom and my dad was overprotective up until the very last day I left. Anyways, I met a lot of new people and to be honest it was really overwhelming.

It was like going from zero to full speed. I had spent my entire life sheltered and essentially caged inside my house, I wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone. I feel like I haven't fully developed my social skills and am not socially calibrated to the point where I want to be. It was really intimidating meeting girls who had a vibrant social life, went out every night in their hometown, etc.

Social anxiety began to develop for me here. Whenever I walk alone and past a group of people, my heart beats really fast and I literally feel like I'm having a panic attack. Whenever people walk past me (for instance, if some girls walk past me and I hear them say the word "ugly", I automatically assume they are referring to me). I know these thoughts aren't rational. It happened again at the dining hall when I was sitting down a couple feet from a group of "frat" guys, they laughed and said "dude, she isn't even that hot." I glanced up and my stomach dropped, I think one of them was looking at me, I feel like I"m making so many assumptions and getting angry over them thinking that they were referring to me.

Even if they were talking about me, so what? But I don't know. I wish I knew if they were talking about me or someone else so I could stop thinking about it. The only time I can confirm it was an actual rude stranger was when my friend and I were at the gym, a frat guy passed us and said "you guys are dressed like whores." (we were wearing lululemon tank top and skirt). He directly looked at us when he said it and when we looked up he made direct eye contact with us and smirked.

I'm sorry for rambling! My point is, do you guys have advice for dealing with social anxiety and assumptions that others are talking about you? Do you guys recommend earplugs or something? I might order wireless earphones to blast music so I won't feel anxiety talking to other people and especially walking past groups of random strangers and trying to hear what they're saying and if it's about me. I get that this thought process isn't rational, it's literally paranoia.

I'd rather solve this issue really soon, because it's gonna take over my life if I just keep letting it win and not expose myself to social situations.

 

[Spyce D]

Hey guys, hope you are all doing well!

I guess I wanted advice on something that I've been struggling with. Recently, as @Surveyor knows I moved into my dorm at Florida State and I was having a blast at first. It was so nice to finally be independent of my nagging strict parents, who were strict to the point where I didn't have a curfew, because I wasn't allowed out! My mother was the stereotypical Chinese tiger mom and my dad was overprotective up until the very last day I left. Anyways, I met a lot of new people and to be honest it was really overwhelming.

It was like going from zero to full speed. I had spent my entire life sheltered and essentially caged inside my house, I wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone. I feel like I haven't fully developed my social skills and am not socially calibrated to the point where I want to be. It was really intimidating meeting girls who had a vibrant social life, went out every night in their hometown, etc.

Social anxiety began to develop for me here. Whenever I walk alone and past a group of people, my heart beats really fast and I literally feel like I'm having a panic attack. Whenever people walk past me (for instance, if some girls walk past me and I hear them say the word "ugly", I automatically assume they are referring to me). I know these thoughts aren't rational. It happened again at the dining hall when I was sitting down a couple feet from a group of "frat" guys, they laughed and said "dude, she isn't even that hot." I glanced up and my stomach dropped, I think one of them was looking at me, I feel like I"m making so many assumptions and getting angry over them thinking that they were referring to me.

Even if they were talking about me, so what? But I don't know. I wish I knew if they were talking about me or someone else so I could stop thinking about it. The only time I can confirm it was an actual rude stranger was when my friend and I were at the gym, a frat guy passed us and said "you guys are dressed like whores." (we were wearing lululemon tank top and skirt). He directly looked at us when he said it and when we looked up he made direct eye contact with us.

I'm sorry for rambling! My point is, do you guys have advice for dealing with social anxiety and assumptions that others are talking about you? Do you guys recommend earplugs or something? I might order wireless earphones to blast music so I won't feel anxiety talking to other people and especially walking past groups of random strangers and trying to hear what they're saying and if it's about me. I get that this thought process isn't rational, it's literally paranoia.

All my anxiety / panic disorder in my life has only one root social anxiety .

Been through worse shit cuz of it .

All you wrote here relate with me .

I am working on it and have done a good amount to reduce it .

Not completely healed but in the process

 

[sunnygirl]

All my anxiety / panic disorder in my life has only one root social anxiety .

Been through worse shit cuz of it .

All you wrote here relate with me .

I am working on it and have done a good amount to reduce it .

Not completely healed but in the process

Thanks for the support, it's like the flight and fight response, every time I leave my dorm I tense in preparation if people are gonna "insult" me and stuff, when in reality they probably aren't even talking about me. Urgh.

 

[Spyce D]

Thanks for the support, it's like the flight and fight response, every time I leave my dorm I tense in preparation if people are gonna "insult" me and stuff, when in reality they probably aren't even talking about me. Urgh.

It has happened with me inthe past .

It got so bad ... I was scares to move out of the house and indulged in escapism which eventually lead me to girlschase.com

How to overcome depression.

Social anxiety is nothing when you get anxiety for not approaching .

You get automatically motivated to talk to people when you get anxiety for not being social ..
That's what happened to me .

 

[sunnygirl]

It got so bad ... I was scares to move out of the house and indulged in escapism which eventually lead me to girlschase.com

Yeah exactly...well at home I would just read different forums and Youtube and fanfiction for hours while wasting away in my bed....here I just feel the urge to surf the web again and hide in my dorm because the real world scares me.. at least at home I had the excuse that my parents didn't allow me to do anything but here the anxiety rises each time I step outside my dorm room.

You get automatically motivated to talk to people when you get anxiety for not being social ..
That's what happened to me .

That kinda makes sense, so basically like flip your anxiety instead? So now you get anxiety for missing out and not being social? Better than anxiety from socializing, lol.

 

[Spyce D]

"Why don't you use Google" shit test + why I only open indirect ( for now)

So , I have really narrowed down on using directional openers . Yesterday , the above mentioned shit test happened thrice with me . In first convo.... I said .... I am Afghan and if I used it indian army will find me . ( With facial expressions telling that it's bullshit ) ( I am not...

www.skilledseducer.com

Why am I so scared in life ? ( Need advice)

I have unhealthy amount of anxiety in my life . Whether it's related to career , approaching women , fighting , sports whatsoever and it's eating me up . I feel less of a man because of this . Because of this i haven't take any substantive action in my life ( mostly half assed everything) ...

www.skilledseducer.com

Thread 'Internet addiction is fuelling my AA' https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/internet-addiction-is-fuelling-my-aa.25591/

My struggles

That kinda makes sense, so basically like flip your anxiety instead? So now you get anxiety for missing out and not being social? Better than anxiety from socializing, lol

I had no other choice lol....

It happened recently when I started getting panic attacks in may , 2023 .

Blessing in disguise.

 

[Skills]

Hey guys, hope you are all doing well!

I guess I wanted advice on something that I've been struggling with. Recently, as @Surveyor knows I moved into my dorm at Florida State and I was having a blast at first. It was so nice to finally be independent of my nagging strict parents, who were strict to the point where I didn't have a curfew, because I wasn't allowed out! My mother was the stereotypical Chinese tiger mom and my dad was overprotective up until the very last day I left. Anyways, I met a lot of new people and to be honest it was really overwhelming.

It was like going from zero to full speed. I had spent my entire life sheltered and essentially caged inside my house, I wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone. I feel like I haven't fully developed my social skills and am not socially calibrated to the point where I want to be. It was really intimidating meeting girls who had a vibrant social life, went out every night in their hometown, etc.

Social anxiety began to develop for me here. Whenever I walk alone and past a group of people, my heart beats really fast and I literally feel like I'm having a panic attack. Whenever people walk past me (for instance, if some girls walk past me and I hear them say the word "ugly", I automatically assume they are referring to me). I know these thoughts aren't rational. It happened again at the dining hall when I was sitting down a couple feet from a group of "frat" guys, they laughed and said "dude, she isn't even that hot." I glanced up and my stomach dropped, I think one of them was looking at me, I feel like I"m making so many assumptions and getting angry over them thinking that they were referring to me.

Even if they were talking about me, so what? But I don't know. I wish I knew if they were talking about me or someone else so I could stop thinking about it. The only time I can confirm it was an actual rude stranger was when my friend and I were at the gym, a frat guy passed us and said "you guys are dressed like whores." (we were wearing lululemon tank top and skirt). He directly looked at us when he said it and when we looked up he made direct eye contact with us.

I'm sorry for rambling! My point is, do you guys have advice for dealing with social anxiety and assumptions that others are talking about you? Do you guys recommend earplugs or something? I might order wireless earphones to blast music so I won't feel anxiety talking to other people and especially walking past groups of random strangers and trying to hear what they're saying and if it's about me. I get that this thought process isn't rational, it's literally paranoia.

Try the aa drills... but do them all the way, no half way...

 

[Rakehell]

The symptoms that stem from the anxiety that you feel are almost somatic or imaginary. They’re “real”, but they aren’t caused by something faulty or wonky in your body. It’s not something entirely out of your control, like say a disease or sickness.

I’ll save you a trip to a physician or anything like that, because what they will recommend is some kind of medicine to cope with the “symptoms”, like xanax, while you implement the necessary behaviors to cope with the anxiety on your own without the medicine. Which would involve some kind of therapy, which’d be them talking you through the coping.

I’m of the train of thought that it is possible to do on your own without the help. When things get “severe” it is from some kind of catastrophization of your own symptoms/outcome.

What I want you to do is take 20 minutes to an hour (whatever you can tolerate without getting bored), to sit down without distractions. Ask yourself when did your anxiety start, what specific scenario caused it, and why does it continue to crop up.

Usually it is some slightly traumatic experience/thought, or negatively interpreted scenario, that you never really processed. Maybe it fuels some kind of insecurity or contributes to low self esteem.

When you figure out what in the past is contributing to how you respond to present situations, and it can be more than one thing, you need to rationalize it with yourself on why what happened wasn’t that bad/did not curse you/doesn’t actually hold weight in the present.

An example, and one that already sticks out to me, that you’re probably unaware of is, the fact that you felt “sheltered” for a long time, and that you feel your social skills are not up to par.

This is the most obvious root based on what you’ve wrote, and its easy to see how you’d operate from a frame of insecurity/inferiority, from even doing something as simple as sitting near a group of people.

Another thing that may be contributing from what i’ve read is your romanticization of your peers social lives before you met them. You feel like they have way more experience so you don’t want to embarrass yourself around them by saying something dumb probably.

To me these are both irrational thoughts, what you need to do is correct these thoughts with positive spins, whatever resonates with your line of thinking and gives you motivation.

Flip the negative thought into a positive one. And accept that some aspects of your past were out of your control/were not that bad.

That is what therapy would tell you to do. They’d also push you to expose yourself to situations that you find uncomfortable gradually, which you are already doing but at a rapid pace, so good for you.

As for coping with symptoms of anxiety without some kind of medication, exercising, diet, yoga, etc is said to help. Journaling helps some people, meditation, breath work, grounding exercises, are also said to help.

When anxiety gets “out of control” to the point of panic attacks, or whatever, its usually not something faulty in your body. For most people it will be something somatic like I said before, it’s your own brain imagining scenarios and causing symptoms.

It is usually amplified by what I call “disaster thinking”, if you’ve ever thought things like:

“why is my heart racing”, “is there something wrong with me”, “can they see me sweating”, or some other line of thought in relation to your symptoms.

Or even worse attributing the feelings of anxiety to things outside of your control. Some flavor of “im destined to be anxious because x” or “ill always be like x because z thing happened to me”

Recognize and understand that most people experience feelings of anxiety, especially when you are doing something new.

99% of people feel anxious going to a new school, but not all 99% of those people fixate on their feelings of anxiety, amplifying their own symptoms.

Accept that anxiety is a normal thing that everyone has experienced or will, and when symptoms crop up, do some of the coping tips listed before, but do so without fixating on the actual symptoms that you’re feeling.

So before a night out instead of fixating on your increased heart rate, “im so nervous i cant go out” > “im so excited my hearts pounding out of my chest” then walk out the door.

Process the feeling, express why you’re feeling that way and keep it light hearted, then focus on the external environment and move.

Do not give the feelings power by attributing them to something outside of your control. Lines of thinking like “Its because I have social anxiety”, are more harmful than helpful because social anxiety is a subjective disorder in and of itself.

Remember it is not something plaguing you biologically. Brush any feeling off as simple excitement/nervousness.

Do this while also addressing the root causes of your anxiety, reframing lines of thinking that inhibit you (especially in the moment if any negative thought were to occur), while also gradually exposing yourself to new scenarios.

All of your symptoms including the anxiety itself are a product of the brain, so they can be corrected by the brain. It starts with your thoughts. Unless you are some rare case that suffers from a disorder in your limbic
system you can get through it.

If things get super bad or you’ve had some very traumatic experience, then maybe try therapy out/medication out, they will tell you to do what I already listed, but sometimes it helps to have someone talk you through it/keep you accountable. While the medicine helps manage the symptoms enough for you to do the cognitive work.

Hope this was helpful

 

[Conquistador]

One thing you could try would be to experiment with caffeine usage. Most people just use it to wake themselves up, but I find that the right dose works well as liquid courage/social lubricant. Everyone’s brain reacts differently to caffeine though.

 

[sunnygirl]

One thing you could try would be to experiment with caffeine usage. Most people just use it to wake themselves up, but I find that the right dose works well as liquid courage/social lubricant. Everyone’s brain reacts differently to caffeine though.

Good idea, thanks! Although, I drink enough caffeine as it is.

I'm really glad because I got my wireless earbuds shipped today (they were ordered through Amazon prime, I told my parents I suffer from social anxiety and they got them for me). I went to work out with them today, on the way there and black blasted music as loud as I could on Spotify. I feel like the anxiety and paranoia and panic had gotten so much worse over this past week, I literally couldn't breathe and my hands shook whenever I walked past someone (especially a group, and more specifically a group of rowdy guys). Anyways, on the round about trip a couple guys said something when I passed, I'm not sure if they were talking to me or to them, but honestly, right now I'm in the mindset that "oblivion is bliss." I'm so glad I have music playing in my ears so I can tell my brain rationally it doesn't matter what they said, I don't know because I'm literally listening to music at full volume via my earbuds.

Exercising was a lot faster and less stressful, I saw a group of people laughing as they passed by but again, the less I know the better at this point.

I will admit the anxiety of not knowing what they were talking and laughing about triggered my OCD and paranoia a little, but it's loads better than trying to hear what they're saying and automatically thinking it's about me.

I'm aware that the ability to not leave my dorm without blasting music at full speed is a bit of a crutch, but music honestly helps me relax and decompress so there's that.

I also went to the gym around 5 pm when it was PACKED with people and friend groups, which really ramped up my anxiety. I think a more productive method would be to go early in the morning before my classes, although I'd have to sacrifice my early mornings to do so. I'm willing to do that.

@Rakehell thank you so much for your insight and input. Really appreciate it and gave me food for thought.

The anxiety I was and am still feeling is almost unbearable, it's like having a heart attack, like you're drowning and people are just watching you laughing. I literally hate this, I consider myself a fairly rational person and this social anxiety is just really irrational. It doesn't make sense, I don't know why I negatively assume people are just talking about me and making fun of me as they pass, I don't think normal people would make fun of strangers.

My brain keeps convincing me maybe I should take a break from socializing. Going from literally isolating at home to the social scene here has been overwhelming to say the least. I think I have slight Asperger's or at least am neurodivergent and can't fully relax unless I'm by myself, even when my roomate's in the room I can't relax and just breathe. I feel like I'm suffocating, I just want to be alone in my room.

I really need to solve this issue sooner rather than later, I can't imagine living the rest of my life with this sort of anxiety, it's no way to live. Especially since I'm not at home anymore and can't hide in my room all day, I have to go out and face the music...

Update: This literally occurred a couple mins ago, my friend and I went out to the dining hall to eat. I had my music in, when we were walking across campus I heard some girls say "urgh" or something, I turned back and say them looking at me.

This incident somehow released a lot of my anxiety. I thought how stupid it was to just constantly live in fear and assume the worst. They could be talking about me, they could be talking about someone else. Even if they were talking about me, so what? Why would I let strangers who judge literally other random strangers ruin my mood, wtf is that?

I think I need to prioritize my thoughts and remember why I'm here.

I'm here to have fun and ace my classes. Those should be the top priorities in my thoughts. Being independent, having fun and in a positive mood, and most importantly, prioritize my studies.

I won't let this anxiety take over my mind anymore. It's taking up way too much of my energy and I'm sick of it.

 

[Bill]

You should get used to it over time and automatically desensitize to social situations that make you anxious if you consistently expose yourself to them.
I skimmed some of your posts and you seem to have a tendency to overthink things. I caution you in taking social skills advice like a lot of the stuff given here that is highly technical and technique focused, though it works if you already have a tendency to overthink and over analyze already, it can actually delay your improvement. Just a suggestion, but focus on action based challenges, a classic one is talk to everyone you see.

In the mean time you can try ”challenging“ disruptive thoughts as soon as they happen or as soon as you notice them. Some techniques I know is forcing yourself to think “cancel, cancel” when you notice a negative rumination patter. Or Sedona Method / Byron Katie method to challenge beliefs, which goes like:

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

You then "turnaround" the belief to its exact opposite, and see if that is as likely to be true as the original belief.

then:
1) Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling in this moment
2) Could you let it go?
3) Would you let it go?
4) When?
5) Repeat until you feel lighter, freer, happier, etc.

The way this works is it trains your mind slowly to let go of thoughts you might normally fixate on. (Even if you answer yes it’s true, I’ll never let it go, etc. It actually still works because it simply is bringing it into greater awareness)

If you get a negative comment or critique, and it’s really getting to you because you don’t know if it’s true or not, another technique you can do is.
1. Go to someone you trust, ideally not family, perhaps a friend or coworker
2. Take them out to coffee or something (as thanks for the advice you will ask them)
3. tell them something like “a couple people I know have said [negative thing about me], I just wanted to ask someone I trust if there is any validity to what they said.
4. if it is an issue, you know it is something to fix, if it is not an issue this should make you stop caring as much. Your brain can be causing cortisol because it feels like the negativity is coming from your peer group, and is concerned about its social standing, if you get the opposite confirmed by someone else, you got “social approval” which your brain will register as from your peer group.

 

[Chase]

@sunflowergirl04,

Well, there's good news and bad news.

The bad news is that never really goes away. Eventually once you're happy enough with where you are it kind of fades into the background. Plus once you're good enough at a bunch of different areas you don't get self-conscious about those, but you still end up self-conscious about other areas you don't feel like you're in the top Nth percentile at.

The other bad news is when you're learning you will spend a lot of time pushing out of your comfort zone doing things where you get to thinking everyone must be judging you as a failure/retard/etc. even if logically you know people don't notice or care (or may even admire you for doing stuff they're too afraid to try themselves).

The good news is if you can accept that you are going to have to fail a bunch and look like an ass to get yourself to the point where you are skilled and savvy and perform at a high level, you become able to stomach all those worries and overrule them. Eventually you get to a point where you take pleasure in confronting situations that trigger anxiety in you. "Oh, am I nervous about doing that? Now I HAVE to go do it! Ha HA!"

The other good news is that the more you develop various skills and aptitudes, the more those areas move out of your "worry zone"... freeing you to then worry about higher level things you think you're not sharp enough on yet... then eventually get good at those too.

At last you reach a point where you're good enough across a range of things that you just feel confident in general, and the tendency to think that people are judging you in a negative light moves far to the background. You get a more realistic perspective, where you understand that you'll never really know what is in someone else's head -- one person may really admire you, another may loathe you, and still others won't care about you either way -- and you just accept that rather than try to guess what people are thinking, you are just going to stay on your grind instead.

But it all starts with resolving that if you want to get to that point where you have capability and confidence, you are going to have to spend some time crawling through that muddy ditch where you fail a whole lot and look LESS awesome and admirable -- but in the end you will end up with sharper skills and abilities than all the other folks who never overcome that fear and remain trapped forever simply doing what feels comfortable and safe to them.

Chase

edit: also, on the fight-or-flight "thinking everything everyone is saying or doing is about me" thing... I went through that as a kid in first grade and the only thing I can say there is, at least for me, after a few months of worrying that people were laughing about and talking about me because a second grade girl rejected my marriage proposal on the schoolyard (her rejection was something like "I can't marry you! You're a first grader!"), eventually I just got sick enough of it that I said in my head, "This is ridiculous. I doubt anyone even remembers that. It was months ago. When something funny happens people laugh about it for max five minutes then move on to the next thing. I am being crazy," and after that it was mostly done. At least in my case, I just had to get fed up enough with how absurd the worrying part of my brain was being that I ultimately stopped listening to it / shoved it aside. Not sure if there's a shortcut, or if you just have to go through it until it clicks how stupid and dumb the whole thing is...

 

[sunnygirl]

Hey guys, bit of an update.

First off, I appreciate everyone's responses here, they helped tremendously!

I'm also happy to report that my social anxiety has decreased DRAMATICALLY. I honestly believe a part of it was hauling my ass to the gym every single day, putting in work, and eating enough. I've lost some of the skinny-fat shape (I was too afraid of lifting weights because I thought they would bulk me up) and it feels so great to be and appear more fit.

I am the exact same weight but have a shape and muscularity to me now that I find really pleasant (@ who knows my true identity can attest to this fact).

Anyways, aside from getting into better shape and feeling a lot more confident wearing stuff like crop tops, tight leggings, etc. I found myself thinking, "nobody walking around campus is gonna talk smack. They're involved in their own life, their own drama, and no offense to myself but they could care less about me."

I also posted a video of my gym progress on Tiktok that BLEW UP and I've been getting a lot of love as well as a couple haters (girls from HIGH SCHOOL that hated my guts for no reason). [

USER=6USER] knows what I'm talking about here...they literally commented extremely hurtful stuff and it almost got to me until I thought..

They don't pay my fucking bills, they don't feed me, they're not part of my life anymore, so why should I care about them?

I think a part of getting older is just caring less what other people think of me. I feel like I am getting a lot more better at this especially entering college. Another great thing is that I just am ruminating and dwelling on shit like this A LOT LESS, mainly because I actually have a social life now that I'm in college and because my helicopter parents aren't monitoring me 24/7, I can do as I please and make friends on my own terms.

Things are truly taking a turn upward for me.

 

[Conquistador]

Good to hear!

I'm also happy to report that my social anxiety has increased DRAMATICALLY.

…

I honestly believe a part of it was hauling my ass to the gym every single day, putting in work,

Only “a part?”
Congrats on the consistency btw, it’s the key to life, the universe, and everything

and eating enough.

Lately I’ve been cutting too fast and now that I’m at 15-16% or so, let’s just say I can’t handle it consistently.

I assume you were experiencing worse…

I've lost some of the skinny-fat shape (I was too afraid of lifting weights because I thought they would bulk me up) and it feels so great to be and appear more fit.

Great to hear!
Many girls will never understand this but it looks like you’ve started to internalize it
Random thought: maybe if you bulk enough to lift your mom up, she’ll stop bothering you

 

[Rakehell]

Things are truly taking a turn upward for me.

Notice how things went from “severe” to relatively calm in such a short amount of time.

Goes back to what I was saying about these things being somatic symptoms coming from your thoughts.

Hold onto that phenomenon, write it down somewhere.

In the same way things may flip from calm to whatever your definition of “severe” may be, in the same way. With anxiety coming back.

It’s important to remember that it’s not the end of the world so that you don’t get pulled back into the cycle of feeling sorry for yourself and isolating.