Socializing Facing Your Fears - Socially Awkward Situations

[Garrett]

Hey guys, Garrett here.

So you've developed yourself into a conversationalist, able to hold down an interesting conversation with just about anyone you come across. Then you meet a shy guy/girl, and you're having trouble getting more compliance than just a few words... so frustrating!

You'd like to master the art of conversation, even with the most boring/dull of people. Well maybe you don't, I mean if you've come to this site, you're probably trying to surround yourself with as many value-providing people as you desire. The thing is, if you're like me, you're exposed to people like this everyday; people who keep to themselves and you try to eliminate some of the tension/social burden on them, but it's a lot of energy/mental work when you've got bigger fish to fry. These people are extremely reserved and you have to really work hard to try to relate to them. You may come across these people at work, school, or basically anywhere you go. Think of an engineer who isolates themself all the time and does math puzzles for fun, and then try forming a connection with that person, without it looking forced or tryhard.. I used to have friends like this who I had to really wrack my brain with in order to come up with relevant/relatable content. I'm not an expert conversationalist, but I could hold down a conversation better than the average guy. The thing is, I want to learn how to communicate with these people, because I want to free myself from social constraint and eventually feel comfortable around any type of person at any given time/place. Normally I'll ask these people about themselves and their interests, and they'll be warm. Sometimes; however, I'll talk to my sister and she'll only respond with one word answers and it feels really awkward/uncomfortable, which I'm not used to.

Do you guys have any tips/advice on how to handle socializing with people like this? Sometimes I'll be working with someone like this at school in the lab, or even at home because some of my family members are really reserved/to themselves. I'll be tempted to play with my phone or even put my ipod in, like when I'm in the car driving alone with my sister to school. It's uncomfortable, and I want to feel more comfortable around these people, without having to work too hard to come up with content or try to think of ways to respond to dry/dull responses, as judgmental as that sounds haha! I've just got a lot on my plate, and during these few and far between situations like driving alone with my sister to school, who isn't the most in tune socially, I want to be able to feel relaxed around these people. I used to be shy/reserved but I knew that I had to change to make better friends and build relationships/connections with people. These socially awkward people are essentially who I was in the past, and now I know why people don't like spending time with them, it's too much mental energy, work, and it's quite uncomfortable!

I think you guys get my point, anyways, your thoughts/advice would be appreciated!

Garrett

PS - I meant to post this in off topic!

 

[Thinkingenigma]

Don't worry about coming up with responses. The key to being a good conversationalist is to ask good questions. Focus on keeping them talking. Every time they say something, see if you can come up with a question that riffs off of what they said. If it's something that you can't do anything with, pick up with a related thread from earlier in the conversation. If that doesn't work, you might have other problems.

 

[Garrett]

Don't worry about coming up with responses. The key to being a good conversationalist is to ask good questions. Focus on keeping them talking. Every time they say something, see if you can come up with a question that riffs off of what they said. If it's something that you can't do anything with, pick up with a related thread from earlier in the conversation. If that doesn't work, you might have other problems.

Thinkingenigma,

Thanks for your response! I think this was more of a rant post than an a very helpful post. I've got some personal things I'm currently working on and wanted to hear how others handled social situations that have the potential to be awkward. Based on your response, we would handle the situation in a similar manner. Honestly, I think the best way to learn is simply to throw yourself in situations that make you feel uncomfortable, rather than avoiding them because that way, you're forced to improve, even if you aren't feeling mentally/emotionally stable at times. That happens though, when you're studying a lot at school, or spending a lot of time working at something, you want to conserve as much energy as possible towards your goals. Not only this, but your well being may not be 100%, as I find myself getting moody, irritable and stoic at times. I was looking for an efficient way to handling these types of people who I deal with despite my fluctuating emotional state, because many intellectuals I've come across are more reserved, and in order to succeed academically as well as personally, I feel it's important to form deeper connections will all kinds of people of different social calibrations. At the same time, expending a lot of time trying to connect these people doesn't seem efficient to me, but I'll try to offer as much value as I can in the allotted and limited time I'm around these people...

Cheers,
Garrett

 

[Light]

I feel it's important to form deeper connections will all kinds of people of different social calibrations. At the same time, expending a lot of time trying to connect these people doesn't seem efficient to me, but I'll try to offer as much value as I can in the allotted and limited time I'm around these people...

Hi Garrett,

You've already mentioned the key word above to your topic: Deeper Connections

I never had problems with reserved people, and introverts. On the contrary, I am excellent at forming a connection with them, simply because I'm exactly the opposite. The shy and quiet girls always fall for me naturally

Here is how:

1) You must be able to relate to them (Chase has already mentioned this in his articles)
Example:
My ex girlfriend's little brother never had any friends. He always kept to himself. I understood he had a relationship problem once and was deeply hurt by a girl. I connected with him, because I knew he had a a certain passion for something - Forex Trading.
All I did was talked to him, asked him quality questions about forex trading, I was genuinely interested. I got him talking about what he cared most about and made him share what he loved with me. I formed a connection with him.

2) Non-Verbal Communication is more effective than talking
Example:
When it comes to shy and quiet girls, it is frustrating when they only give you brief answers to every questions you ask. It sure feels like you're interviewing them doesn't it? Which is why I stay away from the small talks. Again, you must ask quality questions, and find out exactly what their passion is. But it is also much better to just hold eye contact with these type of girls (as if you're trying to communicate with her using telepathy!), and give her your sexy, warm, genuine smile. They will feel like you can see right through their soul - a connection is made.
It might sound magical to you... it is!

3) Touch - The more you touch them, the more they will open up to you unconsciously. You can gently tap them by the elbow when trying to get their attention. You can lean in closer to them as if you're trying to whisper to them etc.

4) Tease them - Because they dont' talk much, you need to tease them (not offensively, but playfully). It destroys barriers, and make them feel like you're a long time childhood friend. It allows them to become playfully comfortable with you.

I'll give you a real life example from me:
- There was this girl who was exactly like this, shy quiet, and would only answer you if you asked her something. You can hardly hold a conversation with her. One night we just watched a movie with group of friends. She sat next to me. I snuggled right next to her, bodies touching (as if I'm trying to keep us warm). In the middle of the film, I placed my hand on hers, not grabbing or holding it, just placed it on top. Fingers touching. She didn't resist, so I held her fingers lightly.

Bingo. Thats all I did. I formed a connection without talking. Easy peasy. Bare in mind I already knew this girl, and I have been teasing her all the time, and making her giggle. So she was already comfortable being around me.

 

[Garrett]

Light,

Thanks for your in-depth perspective and story. You seem to have a solid grasp on how to connect to more reserved people. Today I had been forced to be around 2 of these people at school. I think forcing yourself into situations like this is great! I made a new friend, and I realized that I was being too hard on myself, and that once you get these people to open up, they start 'running' the conversation as people love talking about themselves. Even if you feel like crap, if you see a cute girl you should still approach because sometimes you'll get lucky and oftentimes, if you're a fairly decent conversationalist, you CAN and usually WILL get results!

Push yourself outside of your comfort zone, because that's the only way you will grow as a person. Staying in the same comfort bubble all the time is what the complainers do, the fixers push things to the limit and take advantage of opportunities and make opportunities for themselves!

The idea of simply touching the girl's hand and not saying anything seems like an interesting tactic, Light. I think I'll give that one a go if I ever get the chance!

Garrett

 

[Rasta]

Push yourself outside of your comfort zone, because that's the only way you will grow as a person. Staying in the same comfort bubble all the time is what the complainers do, the fixers push things to the limit and take advantage of opportunities and make opportunities for themselves!

The idea of simply touching the girl's hand and not saying anything seems like an interesting tactic, Light. I think I'll give that one a go if I ever get the chance!

Amen brother. Keep this mentality and you will go far in life..

Some spot-on advice from Light, as always. Kinda funny man, seems like we have some things in common. I tend to attract shy girls too and I've used some of the techniques you mention, and ended up with good results.

My brother doesn't talk much and he is very reserved. Most people would have a hard time extracting more than a few words out of his mouth. But I can get him talking because I know exactly what his interests are. Connecting with reserved people is NOT impossible. You just need to push the right buttons

 

[Light]

To top up what I said earlier about Non-Verbal Communication and how powerful it can be:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/nonverbal-attraction-and-getting-girls-without-words

 

[Chase]

Moved this one to "Socializing."

Lots of great tips here from everyone, but just wanted to throw in that sometimes, with VERY socially awkward people, it really can be next to impossible to get a conversation going.

You won't meet many of these people out and about in parties, bars, clubs, etc. But you WILL meet them in ordinary life sometimes. It gets less common as you get older, but still happens. The ones you usually want to give up as "lost causes" are the ones who are either A) totally disinterested in communicating with other people, or B) the weird people who are mega-downers and you're kind of afraid might stab you in the clavicle if you talk to them for too long.

The disinterested folks, these are usually a small segment of computer guys and ultra-nerds (guys and gals) who only want to study or, in the post-graduate world, just do their research / write their papers. They live reclusive lives and get most of their social interaction from MMORPGs (I assume) and some kind of online chat with a select group of people who only ever talk about whatever their shared interest is, and generally make cynical statements about all other people. These folks are generally somewhat misanthropic, but they're a small subculture of computer / nerd culture, and a distinct minority.

The weird folks are just the perpetual victims / insane asylum escapees who constantly dwell on their problems, complain about how awful the world is, and can't hold a conversation straight. They turn every conversational thread you open with them into a chance to harp on their woes, and make everything about them and their issues (that usually aren't their fault... it's everybody else that's the problem).

The good news is, distinct minorities, those two, and so long as you manage to avoid them, pretty much everyone else you can get through to by showing interest in him and finding out what makes him tick.

Just steer clear of the crazies and the misanthropes, unless you're feeling a little masochistic....

Chase

 

[Garrett]

Interesting responses to say the least...

I've realized that I'm good in conversation, even with shy/quiet people, but I avoid them at all costs. Why? It's a lot of work, so much work in fact that I'll make myself take an hour bus ride than to go for a 10 minute drive with someone who is deemed 'quiet'. Why? Well, yes, I find that when I talk to them, things will go pretty well, and I do ask them a lot about themself. I'm just really bad about handling social pressure, and oftentimes with a quite/reserved person, it's more work having to think of appealing topics that they would be interested in talking about, and it's no fun either if you have nothing in common with them, although you may learn something new depending on what they are interested in.

Take for example my sister. She's a sweet girl, and means well, but she's painfully shy. I feel like I lose so much energy trying to talk to her though, and it's the same with quiet/shy people in general. I'll be mentally exhausted, and when I go to hit the books, I'll just be too tired from all the energy expended not only from the conversation, but nervously awaiting the dreaded social pressure. I know I need to improve this and plan on doing so, but not right now. I'm also socially anxious when people come into my house because my family has been judgmental to an extent that I've been embarrassed on countless attempts trying to improve my social skills at home. I do best when I'm on my own, and like spending time on my own because that way I can invest as much energy as possible into what i like to do/improving myself and not waste it on banter with someone who I don't feel offers any significant value that will improve me in any sense. Also, whenever I'm around someone who is quiet/shy, I'll always bring someone else along to eliminate the social pressure. I know I have to fix this, but for now, I need to be putting my all into my studies and passions, and this is something I plan to work on come the summer when I start finally approaching girls and devoting time to facing social fears.

A bit of a rant on my part, but perhaps some of you can relate! For now I'm going with to just throw myself into these situations in order to combat them. I sincerely dislike making excuses, but at this given time, I am focused on my schoolwork and want to start the Newbie assignment and work on my social skills when school is over. Some of you who have experienced this, unless you are quite socially calibrated, it is quite draining to be around someone who you have to pine over things to say. I'd say my social intuition is fairly well developed, I just need more exposure to these situations and to work on other aspects of my social skills.

Feel free to comment, and if you have any tips on how to improve on these social phobias, I'd be happy to hear!

Garrett

 

[Verisimilitude]

Coming from someone who used to be "that quiet kid" for the most part anyone who is shy or seems hard to talk to deep down truly wishes they weren't and they could talk to people.

I think being a warm person can erase most of the shyness out of anybody. When I used to be quiet, I would connect with some people and looking back on it, they were always the warm and nonjudgmental ones.

Instead of getting semi-frustrated that people are shy (and it will show on your face), try to be in the moment and be warm. This doesn't mean a pity smile or encouragement, b/c that will make it worse. I can't describe it too well, but try to show that you care about people and keep trying to relate. When they do say more than a sentence, tell them to go on.

Even if it doesn't work, realize that the shy person is probably mentally kicking themselves as much as you are for a failed conversation.

 

[Garrett]

Cccrunner,

I get what you're saying, and I used to be like that too so I can relate.

The thing is, I find talking to shy/quiet people a bit mentally exhausting, and for that reason, I like to hangout with those types of people when there are a bunch of other people around. That way, if conversation dries up, I can talk to someone else or just relax and get back to them later; it takes off a lot of social pressure, which is draining when you have so many things on your mind and things to get done!

I understand what you mean by being warm/nonjudgmental, and agree that it totally works. I prefer to be around people who are more talkative because talking is work and it's not something I like doing a whole lot of, and you may be the same way. Although I'd say I have a more dominant than submissive personality, I feel I do best with girls who are talkative/outgoing, but will submit to me like a kitten once I establish a bit of dominance in the relationship. I notice my mother is a lot like this, and my father is the dominant figure, so I guess my interest relates to my father's type of women? Not 100% sure but it's an interesting concept.

Cheers,
Garrett