Long-Term Feeling guilty about breaking up with girlfriend.

[Corsica]

I am 25 years old and quite shy. Three months ago I began dating my first girlfriend. I have very little dating experience and had never even kissed a girl before until I found help on this site. She was just turning 21 and had had several boyfriends and had even been engaged once before. We are both conservatives and Christians so we never had sex, just heavy making out.

Anyway I broke up with her two days ago because I didn't feel like we really clicked. My girlfriend was fantastic. She was kind, thoughtful, fun, passionate, everything really. The only problem was I felt like we did not really "click". We never had any great, fun, spontaneous conversations. And we only every seemed to have fun when we were out doing fun things. Whenever we were at home, it was kind of boring and the conversation was a bit stale and forced. This bothered me because I wanted to have a rapport where we could just talk about any old thing and have a good time. She was home schooled and had very protective parents, so I think that is why I have a hard time relating to her and feeling like we understand each other. I just wasn't feeling it.

So I broke up with her, but now I'm feeling guilty and having a hard time moving on. She said that I am the only good guy she has ever dated, that she is not good enough for anyone, that nothing in her life is working, and that she is sorry that she couldn't be what I wanted. I really tried to let her down easy and we left with no hard feelings. However, I still feel bad about it. She was crazy about me and saw a lot in our future.

How do you handle feeling guilty after a breakup? Is there anything I can do to help her get over me? Thanks a lot!

 

[Chase]

Corsica-

Some women will guilt trip you after a break up, which is what this girl is doing. You probably realize, but you don't want to get back together with her because you feel sorry for her... that's a very bad reason to be in a relationship with anyone.

The only thing that really alleviates guilt is getting some experience under your belt and realizing that people are pretty resilient and they move on a lot better than you think they do at first. Everybody thinks he has a massive impact on women when he first starts dating, only to realize as he gains more experience that women really do move on quite well and quite fast.

Women also are very good at keeping things hidden and playing the, "Oh, so lonely and waiting for you!" card even as they're out finding replacements for you (or even after they've chosen a replacement). Women know that men respond a lot more to a damsel in distress than they do a mighty woman who needs them not. And it's nice to always have a few good guys waiting in the wings... just in case.

For now I'd recommend you cut contact with her so she can't keep at it - women are much better at keeping men feeling sorry and waiting around while they themselves hit the dating scene hard than men are at keeping women on the hook while they themselves move on (men are terrible at this; women are quite good at it).

As soon as you're no longer a constant reminder in her life, she'll forget you and immerse herself in new boyfriend potentials.

3 months is also not a terribly long time, so you can rest assured she'll move on fairly quickly, too. Focus on yourself and meeting someone for you, and let her focus on her - the best thing you can do is give her space to let her get over any feelings she has for you, and move on.

Chase

 

[Longshanks]

Corsica,
I had a very similar experience with a homeschooled girl. (I was homeschooled too, but you'd never guess it now!) In my case, it wasn't her so much as it was my & her parents who made me feel guilty about breaking up with her. It's a terrible habit: don't feel guilty about it, because the only thing it will do is make you reluctant to leave the next time when you should really leave, but you don't want to hurt her. I had a tough time thanks to feeling unnecessarily guilty, and I stuck in some rotten relationships. I'm still dealing with that.

Chase's advice is right on the money. I'd add that you are not responsible for her well-being post-break-up, you have to be true to yourself, and you only owe it to her to be honest about how you feel and do a good job of breaking up (see Chase's article from Sept 2013, that's very helpful, wish I'd read it earlier).