First time dating - She suddenly wants to take things slow

[FiremanSam]

Hi,

I have been seeing a girl for just over 2 months now, generally every fortnight. We had sex on the second date and every date after that, however the dates evolved more and more into a pretence for sex to the point where I would just turn up at hers stay the night then go home. Although she was saying little things that made me think she wanted more... after she met my friends 'so that's the friend part out of the way' ' inviting me to meet her sister' ...but As I said I'm new to all this so maybe it means nothing....

Then I get a message last week (the day before I was due to go and see her) saying she likes me as a friend but isn't ready for a relationship. I was drunk when I got this and we text back and forth a bit with me asking for the real reason..I sounded like a little bitch when I look back at it now and she wouldn't give me a reason. The next day I sent a final message saying how I understand, I had fun anyway see you around.

I thought that would be it.....however she then asked me to come down anyway for her Birthday 'as my friend'. I told her being friends isn't going to work as I want more than that and she basically begged me to come down at which point I got annoyed and told her 'it didn't work out lets just leave it at that, Goodbye.'

Finally she starts telling me how she was sorry and made a mistake, does have feelings for me and wants to keep seeing me. Told me she was scared I was just using her for sex as that's happened in the past and asked if we could start over taking it slow and getting to know each other first.

So I'm now confused, she wants to cut sex out, which makes me feel like I'm getting friendzoned? I'm going to see her again this Sunday and see how things go and make my decision from there. I'm not sure how I should act though... should I tell her outright how I feel or just be flirty/physical like I was before this?

 

[PinotNoir]

I just wanted to comment that Drexel gives some really solid advice here. Your best option is as he said:

"I understand. I had a great time with you and think you're an awesome chick. I hope you meet someone who gives you everything you deserve. If you ever change your mind, my door is open."

And then NEXT her immediately afterward.

After similar failures with women, I learned this.

EDIT: Also, there's a solid article by Chase on relationship dynamics. Women should be pushing for a more committed relationship, while men should not. It's a hard truth to swallow. She says "I love you" first, and she is the one that pushes for a monogamous relationship. In this scenario, it sounds like you're pushing for a relationship, while she is not. She wants a FWB.

I also missed the first paragraph haha. Since you've actually had sex with her, then I don't think you're too bad off. You just need to pull back on the relationship reins.

 

[FiremanSam]

My gut feeling was there is probably another guy, I sent a similar message to that when she first asked me to go to her Birthday, 'We had fun but things don't always work out, it's fine. ' and that's when she blew up my phone saying she made a mistake ect...

I ended up agreeing to see her last weekend(a week since this happened) after she invited me to a play. We spent all day together talking and stuff, it was a little awkward at first but then was just like before she said she was going out with some friends this weekend and said I should come. (she lives about an hour away so I would stay at hers).

Then yesterday I get a message saying her friend had planned to stay at hers and we both can't stay (which makes no sense to me)...... at this point I just said ok fine, and her texting has died down a lot more than usual.

I'm going to just forget about it as I think she probably is playing me....oh well It's just frustrating as I wish she would just tell me shes not interested rather than keep going hot then cold all the time

 

[Franco]

FiremanSam,

I'm going to just forget about it as I think she probably is playing me....oh well It's just frustrating as I wish she would just tell me shes not interested rather than keep going hot then cold all the time

Never bank on this, especially with younger girls (mostly under 25). They don't know any better, and their biggest fear is being alone or passing up the "right guy." Girls will often do their best to try to keep you on a leash, even if it's a long one. It's not something they do with evil intention, they just legitimately worry about losing a guy who could be the guy they want to spend the rest of their lives with. They need the options for validation that they are desired.

More mature women will sometimes have the decency to let you go. They've been through all of it before: they know what types of guys they like and don't like, and they'll often cut off the ones they know they have no future with to prevent the drama and emotion-tugging. But if she's younger, it's up to you to just understand this at face value and accept the fact that it could be an ongoing struggle for a long period of time. The trick is to never stay on the leash -- you're either sure that she wants you and you're sure that you want her, or you start meeting other girls until she realizes that she should have never let you go or until you find another girl just as good as her (or often times, better).

Don't get trapped in limbo with a girl's emotions! They'll always be back and forth on things, and they desire the men who don't waste time waiting for HER to make the decisions.

- Franco

 

[Marty]

Drexel:

Here's the best response for when a girl tries this kind of thing with you:

"I understand. I had a great time with you and think you're an awesome chick. I hope you meet someone who gives you everything you deserve. If you ever change your mind, my door is open."

This text sounds very smooth. Is it applicable only with girls you're already lovers with, or will it serve equally well at other rejection points, e.g. if she texts you after a date to say she doesn't want to proceed (adapted as necessary, presumably minus the "I had a great time")?

Thanks
-Marty

 

[FiremanSam]

So she sent this this morning:

"I'm not ready for a relationship, if I do go abroad next year I don't want to chose between a relationship or my career (she may be going abroad for work for 6 - 12 months). You have done nothing wrong at all and what we have is great. I just want to focus on my career before anything else. Hope you are ok with that??? and that we can remain as friends."


I don't know if that's the real reason or not, but I don't think it matters either way as I have my answer ... I wished her all the best and will not be contacting her again. Looking back I can see how differently I started to act when she was the only girl I was talking too. When I didn't care she was all over me, as soon as I started to get feelings I stopped going after other girls and started chasing her, at least I know for next time.

 

[daviddreamer]

Interesting thread.