"Forget about this chick", "find other girls" perhaps not the best advice for noobs/ vulnerable people

[ShioriGC]

I've been checking out the forums for a bit and i noticed alot of the more experienced people with abundance mentality give this advice, and I know its right; but for someone who is a noob or in an emotionally vulnerable situation (post breakup+inexperienced) its not really our reality.

I know I sound like a bitch, but I can't be the only one who thinks this. Perhaps recommending someone meditate and look within themselves at their own root of feelings is a better idea "i was given this advice here and it helped drastically"

Deep down all us men know we need more women, but rarely are we told to look within ourselves for the root cause of our neediness/ emotions.

Just interested in vets or generaly more exp peoples thoughts on this

 

[HoofHearted]

I think something needs to be said about how the mind seems to work.

If you sit down to meditate/introspect today, it would be very different than if you were taking the steps it seems to take for succeeding with women. Because the conscious mind isn't fully/directly in control of what it experiences or what it thinks about or how it thinks.

We can see this if we pay attention to how we think when we have NO romantic leads, versus how we think when we have MANY romantic leads. The manner of thinking changes, because the circumstances change.

IOW the external world is in a feedback loop with the internal one. External conditions will inform not just what the mind thinks about, but *how* it thinks.

So that's why I'm not sure rumination is solely the answer. All things being equal, rumination is just the same dirt shoveled over and over, unless *something* changes the dirt itself, or the method of shoveling.

The suggestion to focus on other women isn't a statement that "you should have other women." It's an invitation for a perspective change, and hopefully inspires action to make that new perspective occurs.

It's encouragement against a destructive perspective of over attachment, which is a concept that extends outside the realm of interacting with women. A repeating pattern that occurs over and over, even elsewhere.

It isn't just individual women that we destructively cling to. Women, like always, are just a ready and potent example from which to draw these ideas out-- opportune in the volatile and emotional area of sexuality.

A better answer than "focus on other women" might be to "stop focusing on this girl/release her from your mind." And advice to change something about the circumstance-- such as exercise, doing something else, etc. that would change something in the aforementioned internal-external feedback loop.

The real advice is to learn how to 'let go' of something. And that's a life long practice, a question without end.

 

[ShioriGC]

I like how you ended that, "learn to let go" to me advice with that at the center rather than "other girls" is more useful to someone who is emotionally vulnerable from a breakup.

For me when I got out of a long term relationship, if someone told me that, I feel that would have prevented alot of pain, cause thats the root.

I had a friend tell me "dude just get other women" etc, and it didn't resonate at all. My brain said its right but my heart just wasn't there, and perhaps thats how many noobs feel- then they burn out, like i did too.

Its liek with advice to make money rich people say "just work hard!" but the real advice is actually "do one thing productive toward your goal each day" it reprogram your mind to think differently.

But i also aknowledge self rumination isn't the key like u said, some action is neccesary. It is one of those what came first chicken or the egg,mindset or action

Perhaps its different for different people. I suspect vets are more action oriented, so there advice is more action focused. Meanwhile noobs are all mental/ emotional are mental focus

TLDR: i know it means well, but lets be honest, most men aren't strong enough to just get up and meet a new girl without proper ref points in the past, esp with emotional damage. Focusing on letting go like u said to me fixes that fundamental issue

 

[HoofHearted]

i know it means well, but lets be honest, most men aren't strong enough to just get up and meet a new girl without proper ref points in the past, esp with emotional damage

I don't know. I'm not sure I agree with this so much.

Meeting women is a process, and it's one all of us are always going to have to do. It's not always a high-flying, pleasant process... sometimes it can feel like a grind.

But I think most men, if they just accept there's no shortcut, and that there's always luck involved... can partake in this process.

It's kind of like selling stuff door-to-door hotdogs. "I'm not sure I can go find new customers! I really wanted this one customer!"

Nice feelings.... But how does that stop you from knocking on the next door(s)?

Of course relationships and connections are emotional, etc. etc. But I believe finding women and obtaining phone numbers is so largely a logistical, sometimes boring process.

 

[ShioriGC]

I don't know. I'm not sure I agree with this so much.

Meeting women is a process, and it's one all of us are always going to have to do. It's not always a high-flying, pleasant process... sometimes it can feel like a grind.

But I think most men, if they just accept there's no shortcut, and that there's always luck involved... can partake in this process.

It's kind of like selling stuff door-to-door hotdogs. "I'm not sure I can go find new customers! I really wanted this one customer!"

Nice feelings.... But how does that stop you from knocking on the next door(s)?

Of course relationships and connections are emotional, etc. etc. But I believe finding women and obtaining phone numbers is so largely a logistical, sometimes boring process.

thats an interesting perspective, more of a grind mindset.

me personally I won't do anything until i can inject some magic into it fundamentally. That magic keeps me going in other crafts, like work, art, etc

when i do it jus for the grind, i burn out. It may be a different in way of life/ motivation.
Getting good at anything is usually a boring, logistical process, full of repitition, i solve it by including magic w/ mindset but thats not how everyone does it

 

[HoofHearted]

It's more like...

You have a job that pays great money and flies you all over the world for business. In your travels, on your projects, you make friends and have incredible experiences, memories for the rest of your life. Great job.

But back up. Before you got the job, you were polishing your resume, talking to people, looking for opportunities, etc etc

In my view, which probably could use evolving anyways, the good stuff comes *after* you start with the girl (*after* you get the job).

Finding opportunity (girls/jobs) isn't magical to me. It's a process I try to refine and make as efficient as I can.

The 'magic' comes when the opportunity presents itself, and in the seizing of it, and what comes after imo.

And I guess the 'opportunity', in my opinion, doesn't really present itself until you're in some semblance of intimacy with the girl, that could process onwards.

 

[ShioriGC]

It's more like...

You have a job that pays great money and flies you all over the world for business. In your travels, on your projects, you make friends and have incredible experiences, memories for the rest of your life. Great job.

But back up. Before you got the job, you were polishing your resume, talking to people, looking for opportunities, etc etc

In my view, which probably could use evolving anyways, the good stuff comes *after* you start with the girl (*after* you get the job).

Finding opportunity (girls/jobs) isn't magical to me. It's a process I try to refine and make as efficient as I can.

The 'magic' comes when the opportunity presents itself, and in the seizing of it, and what comes after imo.

And I guess the 'opportunity', in my opinion, doesn't really present itself until you're in some semblance of intimacy with the girl, that could process onwards.

Your way of looking at this is totally valid, enjoy the spoils of what you worked hard for!

When I look back at my life, i truly appreciated the process more than the outcome, all of that frustration, the mental gymnastics and the eventual triumph.

Then I want to jump back into a new process. For me when I got my job, it was decent paying but i felt an overwhelming emptiness, until i distracted myself with other pursuits and processes.

To put magic into it, I really feel my spirit is close to a dwarf in a mountain hammering away at the forge to make a new sword. The dwarf doesnt care what the hero does with the sword, he just wants to keep forging the next best thing.

I'm not saying my mindset is right or even optimal, just explaining the difference.

 

[HoofHearted]

Maybe so. To each their own I guess.

I myself do not enjoy the wandering around, and sometimes the lack of volume of women, and the high rates of statistical failure found in cold approach. But like I said, my mind could evolve about that. I think about it more than most. Most of my gripes are just about finding available, desirable women in the first place.

Sure do love the payoff, though. Or when things go right.

I would rather not spend time on hypothetical outings in shopping centers etc because I know the value of my time (and I have written about this).

 

[Will_V]

I've been checking out the forums for a bit and i noticed alot of the more experienced people with abundance mentality give this advice, and I know its right; but for someone who is a noob or in an emotionally vulnerable situation (post breakup+inexperienced) its not really our reality.

I know I sound like a bitch, but I can't be the only one who thinks this. Perhaps recommending someone meditate and look within themselves at their own root of feelings is a better idea "i was given this advice here and it helped drastically"

Deep down all us men know we need more women, but rarely are we told to look within ourselves for the root cause of our neediness/ emotions.

Just interested in vets or generaly more exp peoples thoughts on this

Yeah, good point.

The mindset you need at the beginning is "let me go through all this stuff, it might be messy/unsuccessful/painful but it's fine, I'm getting experience and learning, none of it really matters in the long run".

The mindset you end up with later on is "why do I need to go through nonsense when I don't have to to get what I want? Let me find an even easier way".

 

[Lover]

I've been checking out the forums for a bit and i noticed alot of the more experienced people with abundance mentality give this advice, and I know its right; but for someone who is a noob or in an emotionally vulnerable situation (post breakup+inexperienced) its not really our reality.

I know I sound like a bitch, but I can't be the only one who thinks this. Perhaps recommending someone meditate and look within themselves at their own root of feelings is a better idea "i was given this advice here and it helped drastically"

Deep down all us men know we need more women, but rarely are we told to look within ourselves for the root cause of our neediness/ emotions.

Just interested in vets or generaly more exp peoples thoughts on this

It depends on the particular case. Guys get oneitis for someone they try to lay for months, maybe years, without any progression at all. And I think the advice to meet new girls is best suited for them

Otoh, if you just got out of an LTR, people have their own ways of dealing with the emotions that arise. Some will tell you to process it, and others will tell you to rebound right away. Or both. There is really no one right way. And different breakups will require different methods to deal with it. But read this thread to see that it's not all "just meet others girls bro"

Break Ups - Break up dynamics for secret society members (seducers, women, gays)

Most break up posts, blogs, videos are mainly accurate but from a normal person view, not from a secret society (specially seducer/player) perspective. What is the difference you may ask? A secret society member is able to access sexual partners fairly quick and usually do not get onitis...

www.skilledseducer.com

Personally, I think dealing with post-breakup has no right solution. But I think the don'ts Skills mention in the above thread are good to follow

 

[rockstar]

Is this about dealing with a breakup?

Fucking new girls is only going to fix sex-abundance and validation issues. It's not going to fix the fact that you just lost a deep, emotionally-intimate relationship with someone that was important to you. There's no magic solution for getting over that.

Ime, if you had a long, monogamous relationship, fucking new girls is going to be really fun and exciting after getting out of that. At the same time, doing it when you still feel really depressed about your breakup in that moment is really unsatisfying and just feel like going through the motions.

 

[ShioriGC]

Is this about dealing with a breakup?

Fucking new girls is only going to fix sex-abundance and validation issues. It's not going to fix the fact that you just lost a deep, emotionally-intimate relationship with someone that was important to you. There's no magic solution for getting over that.

Ime, if you had a long, monogamous relationship, fucking new girls is going to be really fun and exciting after getting out of that. At the same time, doing it when you still feel really depressed about your breakup in that moment is really unsatisfying and just feel like going through the motions.

I'll admit this is a bit of a selfish post, I just want to see other people's opinions on the subject - I'm not looking to change anyones minds

 

[ShioriGC]

Yeah, good point.

The mindset you need at the beginning is "let me go through all this stuff, it might be messy/unsuccessful/painful but it's fine, I'm getting experience and learning, none of it really matters in the long run".

The mindset you end up with later on is "why do I need to go through nonsense when I don't have to to get what I want? Let me find an even easier way".

thats the mindset im having now (beginner) - its funny the fundamental similarity with learning other skills - making mistakes is important for building self confidence. Part of me hates that life seems to have a pattern like that there are painful things to read too - dealing with pain seems to be a fundamental skill.

appreciate your feedback

 

[ShioriGC]

It depends on the particular case. Guys get oneitis for someone they try to lay for months, maybe years, without any progression at all. And I think the advice to meet new girls is best suited for them

Otoh, if you just got out of an LTR, people have their own ways of dealing with the emotions that arise. Some will tell you to process it, and others will tell you to rebound right away. Or both. There is really no one right way. And different breakups will require different methods to deal with it. But read this thread to see that it's not all "just meet others girls bro"

Break Ups - Break up dynamics for secret society members (seducers, women, gays)

Most break up posts, blogs, videos are mainly accurate but from a normal person view, not from a secret society (specially seducer/player) perspective. What is the difference you may ask? A secret society member is able to access sexual partners fairly quick and usually do not get onitis...

www.skilledseducer.com

Personally, I think dealing with post-breakup has no right solution. But I think the don'ts Skills mention in the above thread are good to follow

Thank you for linking that thread, will be reading that - this post is just based off of only a couple one off things I've read

I suspect those who haven't mastered a particular skill in another craft and noobs would leave once they detect the spirit of a post is to just "get over it and man up" - which i admit IS the fastest most efficient solution.

*feel free to ignore following paragraph just ramblings*
In my field I often give advice to people new and my first instinct is to always give the fastest solution, and I always got pushback or passive agressive responses and i think (But i just want you to succeed just do it! ) then i realized many people dont want the most efficient solution - but... perhaps a nudge in the right direction? (im rambling)
Theres some solutions for speed (fastest) and those for velocity (accounting for slight dips in speed over time, that hopefully lead to upwards trajectory)

thank you for your post and the thread of information