Friends constant dating problems

[Estate]

Hey guys,
Sorry this is more of a rant than anything but couldn't get it off my chest anywhere else so I'm going Off Topic...

So, none of my friends that I know of are into "game". But we do all enjoy going out to bars for drinks or whatever and inevitably end up meeting some girls from time to time. Now, some of the guys are clued in. Nobody is a Casanova but they at least know how to talk to girls a little. They can just chill and do pretty well for themselves. It's never a big deal, we just like hanging out.

However one friend in particular just doesn't get it, when it comes to women. He acts extremely needy and frustrated. We have tried offering advice at times but it's just gone to a whole new level lately and I don't want to be around the guy when he's like this anymore.

There's been a whole bunch of stuff.

- He never approaches or talks to girls but will immediately try to high-jack things if he sees us talking to a girl. He expects we approach girls FOR him and if we don't he will get angry that "he liked the girl we approached first".

- He always claims "he liked the girl first" and goes off in a huff if he sees any of us with a girl. For example, this weekend, I was chatting to a girl and we kissed. It didn't go further than that. The next day he sent me a bunch of random texts really early in the morning fishing for a response. It was early so I was going to reply later. Then he just came out and said it... "What happened with you and X last night!?!?!?". I said nothing really happened and he replied immediately to let me know that was good because he had "laid claim" to her already. I just didn't respond again, more drama.

- He's done this with EVERY girl we know. He doesn't date them, he doesn't hookup with them, he doesn't even kiss them, I never see him even try to make a move. He just tries to befriend every girl we know and drives them around an buys them presents and all that and issues hands off warnings to all of us. He was doing this with one of this girls friends all night, I didn't even assume he had "claim" on this girl but apparently now he does.

- He never talks about anything but women. Like NOTHING. He keeps telling us about all these dates and lays he gets but we know it's BS. We see him around women and it's borderline creepy. I know all guys BS a little but when we know it's total BS and it's the ONLY thing he talks about anymore, it gets beyond boring and irritating.

- He constantly develops these huge crushes on every girl we know then asks us to validate by getting us to agree what a "huge emotional connection" they have. I don't see it but he will freak out if we don't agree. Meanwhile, he's too afraid to even talk to the girl.

- Inevitably, he will profess his love to these girls, they don't reciprocate and he looses the plot... then it starts all over again.

- He "white knights" constantly... as I said, his strategy is to befriend every girl we meet and buy them things and drive them around. But he's begun doing things behind our backs now. Like talking us down. or making up stories to "big" himself up while tearing us down. We know this, as a couple of girls have asked us questions about things which he told them happened and we were like... "WTF? That never happened..." or "we never said that!"

- It's actually at a point where a few girls have asked us "why we don't like them".. when we never had an issue with them, but they insisted this friend told them we didn't like them or that we didn't come out when we knew those girls were going to be there. The truth is that HE would make plans with them, not tell the guys and then tell the girls that we don't want to be around them so they shouldn't text us or let us know they are going out.

- He instantly took a liking to another female friend of mine months ago. He got really crappy because I didn't want to get involved in "setting them up", but I introduced them and met them at the same places several times and just told him to ask her out if he wanted but I'm not getting involved. He literally texts me every day.

- Right now he meets up with a group of friends I introduced him to, and I feel like he's trying to "split" the group because of the girl above. He seems to tell myself and 2 of the guys one thing, then messages the group another and insists we should "have his back". But we don't understand why he does this, even my friends have asked now, why he's like this, and why we have to have separate threads of conversation, 1 including the girls and 1 which does not. None of us have anything to hide from the girls but he does.

- I woke up this morning (Monday morning) to more texts of "Woah... never forget to buy condoms, lucky there was a 7-11 open on my way home...." I guess I'm to reply asking who he slept with but I'm so over it. He posted to facebook how he was out with a bunch of girls. He is implying he slept with one of them but I know these girls and they don't even like him. I know he found out there were going out and turned up but by looking on facebook, you'd think he was the player of all players, if you didn't know any better.

Drama, drama, drama... I'm so worn out from it.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Estate,

Sometimes friends like this only makes you lose girls because of the vibe he creates. I have a few, try to help. Some got things better, some still negative. I think sometimes it's better to stop, weigh in the pros and cons so that you decide whether to keep the friendship or no.

it's messy.

z@c+

 

[Franco]

Estate,

Zac pretty much summed up what you need to do here. You have a form of psychic vampire on your hands with a strong victim mentality.

Your best course of action is try to try to sit him down and tell him, "look, this is how we feel about your behavior recently, and it's something we don't really need to put up with. You can either change your ways -- and we'll help you do that if you listen -- or we'll have to part ways with this friendship." Make sure to explain what things he is doing, and if you have other friends that have noticed it as well, make sure they are with you so they can verify it; if he thinks you are the one just cornering him, he'll just assume that you're trying to step on his toes.

Of course, it sounds like you might have already tried doing something like this, and if it didn't work, then cutting ties with him is probably the best course of action. I've had several friends in the past that were leeches/vampires in their own right, and I'd hung out with them frequently for as long as 3 or 4 years and then finally had enough, and I just stopped hanging out with them. I never really explained why, but they got the hint. If you feel like this guy is a close friend, then you should at least make an attempt to point out the behavior and help him, but if he refuses, then cutting ties with him will help not only you and your other friends but also help him reflect on himself as well.

- Franco

 

[TheWiseFool]

Estate,

If he is a really good friend. Then I would definitely tell him what needs to be said. You need to talk to that ego of his and let him know what you and your friends and the girls that he thinks like him think of him. You need to break down his ego so he can build a new one. Until you break that ego of his down, he is going to continue to not want handouts, continue to leech off of you guys, continue to lie, etc etc. He is scared, childish, selfish, manipulative, a singularity that sucks all positive emotions from the atmosphere, a liar. He doesn't want to admit he is wrong. He doesn't want to admit that he needs help. That is a problem related to the ego and he needs his "imaginative reality" to be broken down in order to see the reality of the situation. If he denies it after all that you've told him, tell him, "It is what it is man. You can ask around and see if I'm lying, I bet you'll get similar answers." Then he and you don't talk for a while, he realizes personal flaws, is humbled, realizes he has to get himself together, begins to change as a person, and maybe one day you two meet up again and he is a better man. But that is if he makes that decision, a decision you can't make for him, but can persuade him into choosing. Allowing his behavior to continue by allowing him to be around you and your friends and leech off you guys and lie to YOUR girl friends behind your back is a no no in my eyes. What he is doing is just messed up and I used to be okay with that kind of behavior because it wasn't a "big deal" at first, but now I realize that if I want a friend like him to become a better man, he needs to know what is up. Things don't just "Change for the better" by chance, change begins with a catalyst and I am asking you to be that catalyst for your friend. You need to create a shit storm for your friend so he realizes what reality really is. He is going to fall, but you can be there to pick him up and help him to grow or silently observe him grow into this new man.

That is my experience being like your friend and having friends like that. I used to not see anything wrong with what I was doing when I was like him because my ego was so fucking big, nothing I did was wrong! How absurd right? I had an excuse/answer for everything! He needs to take responsibility of his actions. He can't say, "I called her" and not doing anything about it.... that is some middle school - high school level stuff.... "She was never yours to begin with bro." "Honestly, how many girls have you slept with in your life?" He has to confess the truth, and it will help even more to confess a lot of truths at once so he comes to the realization that he has been lying to himself the whole time. He is scared, I know for sure, and he is going to be like that until someone breaks his fucking comfort zone and throws him into the field, you know?

Hope this helps and keep me updated,
- The Wise Fool

As Zac said, sometimes you gotta weigh out the pros and the cons and decide to cut people out of your lives. I cut out a lot of friends from my life and I have to tell you that has made all the difference. The people we surround ourselves with are usually a reflection of who we are as human beings,
The Wise Fool

 

[Estate]

Thanks all,
I appreciate the input.

I went through a process about 2 years back where I cut out some negative influences. No drama, I just began to see some people less or depend on them less for a social life as I knew they weren't effecting me positively. It was a good thing. I still remained on good terms with these people if I saw them, just stopped hanging around them so much or letting them influence me.

Anyway, as it turns out. This guy was one of my first "new" friends. But in the meantime, I've met lots of new friends from different circles. The thing is though, I don't think he had a lot of friends either at the time and has sort of tagged along as I've introduced him to new people. I don't really mind that. But on the other hand, take the group I mentioned for example, 6 people, 3 guys, 3 girls, all got to know each other from the same place. We've not messed up the dynamic by hooking up together and we're all good with that. But once I introduced this guy to that group, he's done his usual, developed crushes on the girls and now tries to seperate the guys from the girls for his own benefit. I'm happy if he wants to be part of the group, but he can't really come in and try to "split" it when it wasn't his social circle to begin with.
I don't mean that to sounds selfish, I just don't feel it's appropriate.

I feel though that his lack of luck an his woahs in dating or even meeting girls is making him more frustrated. His behaviour just gets worse and worse an the last few weekend I feel it's come to a head where I'm just not prepared to deal with him.
He literally scolded me for kissing a girl he said he liked, though he never made a single mention of it before, infact he spent all night trying to get with this girls other friend without success. He describes them as "his girls" and seems to feel he has the right to hook up with them all and we should be hands off. I don't really understand how he thinks he will get with every girl in this group or if he just wants to feel like "the man" but he literally can't lay claim to every girl we encounter anywhere... it's just crazy to me.

 

[Teparus]

Why do you hang out with this guy at all? What's he bringing to the group? What's he bringing to you? How the heck did he get involved in your life? Clearly you had a social circle before he came along, one that he wasn't part of. How did he ingratiate himself into it?