Gaining control in the initial stages of the relationship

[AfterMath]

Posted a little about this situation I'm going through in the main boards, but now I have a specific question that the more experienced posters probably can help me out with. I read a few articles in the main site about gaining control of the relationship, but it seems a little vague to me such as not contacting the partner frequently or once every few times.
In my situation, for example, I feel as if I'm already the one-down because she just got out of her first relationship (lost her virginity to him) and she "wants to take things slowly" as she put it. I agreed because what I ultimately want is a serious relationship with her, but I feel as if she's in control right now, what can I do to reverse this, by being more distant and cold and just dating other women in the process? I want her to push for the relationship since I feel as if I'm the one who wants it more than she does...
Thanks to all of you guys, you've been great so far!

 

[Thinkingenigma]

Re: Gaining control in the initial stages of the relationshi

You screwed up when you agreed to take it slowly. At that point, you gave her complete control. Now, you will have to do some strong re-framing to take control back, and you will be facing an uphill battle. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to successfully regain the upper hand her, so I'll leave it to the more experienced guys. However, I've found that the best way to fix that situation is to not end up there in the first place. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Re: Gaining control in the initial stages of the relationshi

Hi Aftermath,

I suggest letting this one go by slowly disconnecting with her.

Why?

1) She will not see you as someone who just came in and wanted sex.
2) You are warmth enough to acknowledge that she just lost her virginity.

As much as i think she really needs time, because the first guy might screw up with her, she needs a pillar of strength at the moment to bring her self esteem back up. So you might want to let her build up.

Date other girls for now

Zac

 

[AfterMath]

Re: Gaining control in the initial stages of the relationshi

You screwed up when you agreed to take it slowly. At that point, you gave her complete control. Now, you will have to do some strong re-framing to take control back, and you will be facing an uphill battle. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to successfully regain the upper hand her, so I'll leave it to the more experienced guys. However, I've found that the best way to fix that situation is to not end up there in the first place. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Yeah, I'm aware that I made a mistake, both in agreeing with her to take it slowly and also for trying to rush things. This weekend she was out of town and I didn't iniate any contact, but today plan on having a quick meet up, if all goes well. She is still clearly in control and it is something I don't like, and really don't know how to regain the control other than what I said before. I'm trying my best to keep an abundance mentailty, but it is hard because I want something serious with her. I'm thinking of cutting off contact all together after today until she contacts me, and maybe make her work for a next meetup. The problem is, she is somewhat submissive and I'm the one who usually calls her to meet up which makes it hard for me to keep quiet forever. I'm also not sure she is over her ex yet and even think she still communicates with him. She told me she doesn't talk to him anymore but I'm not really buying it.

Any one else with sound advice willing to help?
Thanks!

 

[AfterMath]

Re: Gaining control in the initial stages of the relationshi

Quick update here:
I asked her yesterday is she was still seeing her ex-boyfriend and she said that she wasn't going to lie and that she met up with him this weekend...
She said she was confused and didn't know what to do because she really liked him but also likes me.
I responded by saying that I'll make her decision easier and that she should just choose him because I don't have time to waste on women who can't make up their mind.
I deleted her from my friends on facebook and told her I needed a break from all of this and time to clear my head and that sometime in the future we can maybe start things over from scratch and if maybe be just friends if possible. Her response was something along the lines of: "Ok, I really like you, but maybe this is for the better"

I'm really emotionally invested in this girl right now, maybe if I spend some time without contacting her, I'll start seeing her as more of a f-buddy, I don't really know what to do right now. I know the logical thing is to just cut off all communication permanently, but some part of me thinks that I can use her in the future for just sex ad another part of me still wants a relationship with her...

 

[Light]

Re: Gaining control in the initial stages of the relationshi

Quick update here:
I asked her yesterday is she was still seeing her ex-boyfriend and she said that she wasn't going to lie and that she met up with him this weekend...
She said she was confused and didn't know what to do because she really liked him but also likes me.
I responded by saying that I'll make her decision easier and that she should just choose him because I don't have time to waste on women who can't make up their mind.
I deleted her from my friends on facebook and told her I needed a break from all of this and time to clear my head and that sometime in the future we can maybe start things over from scratch and if maybe be just friends if possible. Her response was something along the lines of: "Ok, I really like you, but maybe this is for the better"

I'm really emotionally invested in this girl right now, maybe if I spend some time without contacting her, I'll start seeing her as more of a f-buddy, I don't really know what to do right now. I know the logical thing is to just cut off all communication permanently, but some part of me thinks that I can use her in the future for just sex ad another part of me still wants a relationship with her...

If you know you can go for the sex... then just do so.
Women become emotionally attached after sex.
And yes.. stop investing in this girl anymore, and you should be able to control your emotions in due time.

 

[Whizzy]

Re: Gaining control in the initial stages of the relationshi

Might want to start talking to other girls even if you keep talking to her. She doesnt sound fully invested in you so you shouldn't be either