GF did webcamming without me knowing...

[girlsfollow]

This is partially my fault for giving her a SERIOUS sexual awakening. As chase says - it can be dangerous to do that to an inexperienced girl cause she can go crazy - well thats exactly what has happend here - if I'd just had normal sex with her she would never of dreamed of doing this - she's said so herself - but shockingly here we are...unbelievable! - what does chase say to do in this situation? can anyone remind me?

We havent seen each other in a while partially because she was getting bitchy with me about not seeing her enough and a few other things (btw this is the most loving giving girl I have ever met she is amazing in that sense). She turns around yesterday and tells me shes shown her tits and made a lot of money over 4 hours on a site.....now this isn't a totally new idea, she had mentioned she might like to try it in the past and I had said she should try it - but obviously this was assuming she'd tell me when she actually wanted to do it! I have responded by asking her to give me total control of her body again over the next 4 weekends and to stop until we establish some rules/boundaries. She had made me a really cute card saying sorry and that she didnt want to do it again. We had a wonderful evening where she wanted me so bad and agreed to all this - I didnt have sex with her cause I wanted to save that for the weekend also it was fun to tease.

Then I called her up when she got home to ask her for some details for the website and she was super tired blew up when I asked her twice said I was suddenly being controlling and said we should end it because I can't trust her without some "crazy controlling rules"... WE've gone from me not caring enough to apparently being controlling in a VERY short space of time - talk about a tightrope! I think people here can understand my need to reclaim her body right? - I basically said she needs to give herself to me? - be totally submissive again like she always was at the start.

She's said she would like to give me what I want but doesnt seem to like the way its phrased interms of control and rules. How can I reframe what I want in a better way - I think deep down she wants to do it for me but I'm not framing it right..... I think one issue with the way I did it is I asked for too much investment in one go from a relatively cold standpoint... I maybe need to build her upto it more gradually and also have sex with her if she agrees again.

Treading lightly. I think I need to meet her and support her through a tough time shes in at the moment while still keeping my demands in place...

You?

 

[Thedoctor]

girlsfollow,

now this isn't a totally new idea, she had mentioned she might like to try it in the past and I had said she should try it - but obviously this was assuming she'd tell me when she actually wanted to do it!

You shouldn't assume anything, especially with this sort of thing since most girls will want to keep this to themselves for fear of certain repercussions. If you were encouraging her to do it and told her you really wanted to participate there's a better chance she would have included you.

This situation is a very slippery slope if you're looking to maintain a relationship. You cannot start imposing rules without appearing insecure. Whether she became sexually awakened with you, or already was, she's probably not the type of girl to be looking for monogamy at this point in her life (even if she is adamant that she is).

If you're only looking for a monogamous relationship, then my advice is to move on. If you want to keep her around, then don't start telling her what she can and cannot do. The more you try to restrain her, the more she'll pull away. Let her do her thing and don't be jealous (even with the camming). But don't fool yourself into thinking monogamy will work.

If you're open minded, you can have a lot of fun with a girl like this!

-John

 

[girlsfollow]

girlsfollow,

now this isn't a totally new idea, she had mentioned she might like to try it in the past and I had said she should try it - but obviously this was assuming she'd tell me when she actually wanted to do it!

You shouldn't assume anything, especially with this sort of thing since most girls will want to keep this to themselves for fear of certain repercussions. If you were encouraging her to do it and told her you really wanted to participate there's a better chance she would have included you.

This situation is a very slippery slope if you're looking to maintain a relationship. You cannot start imposing rules without appearing insecure. Whether she became sexually awakened with you, or already was, she's probably not the type of girl to be looking for monogamy at this point in her life (even if she is adamant that she is).

If you're only looking for a monogamous relationship, then my advice is to move on. If you want to keep her around, then don't start telling her what she can and cannot do. The more you try to restrain her, the more she'll pull away. Let her do her thing and don't be jealous (even with the camming). But don't fool yourself into thinking monogamy will work.

If you're open minded, you can have a lot of fun with a girl like this!

-John

Thanks john some great advice there... I thought I have put my foot down somewhat, although i did say I wasn't against it I said she needs to do it within my way of doing things. That would mean I need to be fully involved in the process. She showed me her account and she started crying the worst part may have been that I called it disgusting at one point which will lead to her wanting to hide it from me. She was actually super sweet about it and seriously as genuinely sorry as she could be for not telling me and for doing it - she felt disgusted with herself.

I think this is the kind of thing where you want to put some boundaries in place though I feel? As in she need to have some idea of what is ok. I mean if you had a gf you wouldnt just ignore her making out with other guys right!? Btw she has been chasing me for a serious relationship for years - this is totally out of character. She actually asked me to delete the account there and then but I couldn't because I didn't have the password and I kind of wanted to have a record!

I think best to play down what I said about it being disgusting by mentioning that if we were to consider it at all in future it might be healthier if I was involved and we could see it as a bit of fun together. What do you think? Despite her innocent image and wanting a serious relationship I think you're right this is a wild card that could blow up anytime!

Also what would you have her do to make this upto you?

 

[ProblemSolving]

girlsfollow,

The way I run my relationships is very simple and effective and only requires one rule: "Don't do anything to me that you don't want done to yourself".

Girlfriend texting some guy from work, no problem:

"Hey babe, just want some clarification. You'd be cool with me texting girls from work?"

You should see a light bulb go off in their head as they put themselves in your shoes. "Noooo."

"Well then, don't to it to me."

"You're right. Won't happen again."


Girlfriend engrossed in her phone while on a date with you, no problem:

Take out your phone and start texting, playing games, or whatever. Make her beg you to pay attention to her. She'll get the hint.


Finally, your case. Girlfriend wants to expose herself for money (red flag - keep an eye on this girl).

"Hey babe, just want some clarification. You'd be cool with me sending dick pics to other girls?"

If you get any response other than, "NO!" Find a new girl ASAP.


Your biggest mistake was encouraging the bad behavior, and then getting butt hurt when she actually followed through. Next time, correct the bad behavior immediately and set boundaries like a CEO - calm, cool, and collected. If she can't meet your expectations, you walk.

 

[girlsfollow]

Hey girls follow,



If at anytime I get the feeling she will not play within my boundaries, I take the delightful opportunity to use my favorite word, "NEXT!"

Really appreciate your responses guys!

So what I have found is that when we actually looked at her account together that is when it struck her... She was SERIOUSLY upset and distraught. She couldnt look at me and was for the first time GENUINELY sorry. She was telling me to delete it and that she felt disgusting. I made a small mistake here and said it was! That got her REALLY upset.. but at the time I thought it would hammer the point home - which it probably did. She went from being this fake woman to showing me her real girl side. She has tried pretty hard to make it up to me. She is a really super sweet girl, had only been with one other guy before me and this is SO unlike her, I think she realised that and dropped it now.

Having said that when we went out the weekend after she blew up at me for touching her inappropriately and had a massive tantrum saying she didnt love me any more and didn't want us to be together. Basically she's become a lot more edgy. One moment she will be more caring and loving and sweet than she ever has been. Next moment if I dont call her for a day - she'll blow up and tell me she doesn't feel anything... it seems to have calmed down a little now but I'm not sure.

Basically the whole camming issue seems SORTED - she wanted to stop and has. No rules needed.No mention since.

Final issue now is whether I have let her off too lightly - technically she's got off and now we're back to her expecting classic bf behaviour... not sure if I should have asked for anything else. I suppose the issue is settled as long as she doesn't do anything else. Dont worry I'm keeping my eye on her though - and keeping game strong!

 

[Ross]

In my opinion this is an early-on framing issue where you didn't establish power and instead ignored the balance, leaving it up in the air.

Then, as things were still up in the air, she used a power move when she said she was starting to show her tits online in an attempt to get you jealous.

now this isn't a totally new idea, she had mentioned she might like to try it in the past and I had said she should try it - but obviously this was assuming she'd tell me when she actually wanted to do it!

This here is an issue as well, as you may have assumed too much. She said she wanted to try it, you said she should, but then you assumed that she would ask your permission again. WIth these things you want to give a definite yes/no and give her a task.

Example,

Her: Know what might be fun? Doing a web cam show!
You: Yeah, that'd be cool. What ideas did you have for it?
Her: I'd love to do blah-blah-blah.
You: (Give her permission or deny her access and propose an alternative)

I have responded by asking her to give me total control of her body again

And again, here lies a power issue, as you're asking for her permission rather than telling her, which appears to be very submissive. Doing things of this nature feel controlling because people can sense that it's you logically asking to do it, rather than just doing it. Her being submissive isn't something that she's just automatically going to do - you have to set up the power dynamics so that she has to be submissive.

But even then, it seems things are at the point where she is unstable and you're probably not going to be able to establish any monogamy, as John said. She's already caught a whiff of what it's like to be sexually awakened and in power, and it might not be something she is willing to completely give up.