Drama GF is jealous of my friends

[ulrich]

Hi everyone, I want to ask your opinion on a big mess that happened this weekend with my girlfriend of 1 year.
Before starting, I need to point out that she is a very cute, smart and well-meaning person... buuuuut, she has lived a very sheltered life and as a result of her family overbearing she is extremely shy.

This has been a defining part of the whole relationship.
-------

THE PRECEDENT
She had not showed much jealousy before but the problem started one week ago when an old friend (woman) called me and asked me for help with her business.

We went to grab lunch and I tagged my GF along because she loves the restaurant and I wanted her to make friends with my hot friend (she is pretty cool)... I advised her that she would probably get bored while my friend and I talked about business but she was OK with that.

Anyway, on our way back, she started interrogating me on how we met each other and I confessed that we met because she is hot and I approached her in a business meetup but she had an engagement ring back then and we just became friends.

Now that was a big mistake that threw her into a two-day jealousy/sadness fit and I had to deal with that.


--------

THE BIG FIGHT
Fast forward to last week, we had a restaurant dinner with my group of best friends... everyone brought his wife/gf and the main topic of the day was the new gf of one of my friends, a confident sexy brunette with a great body (in all honesty, it's obvious she has had at least five surgeries and dresses to catch men looks... not my type, but hey, she is a nice catch after all).
Due to unforeseen circumstances (and possibly a bad judgement on my part), my girlfriend and this woman ended up sitting together. I thought this was a good idea as she seemed pretty cool and would possibly strike some conversation with my girl.

Well, this turned out to be a very bad call, as after the dinner I found out that this new girl was throwing mean glances and competing with all the other women in the table.

I was actively avoiding looking at her to not bother my friend nor my girlfriend so I didn't notice at the moment.

At the same time, my friend and his new girl spent a good time whispering to each other which I didn't pay attention to but it turns out she was nagging him the whole time which made my gf uncomfortable.
So I enjoyed the dinner, talked to my friends, shared a lot of stories about traveling and had a pretty good laugh.

My girlfriend didn't participate much due to her shyness... I tried to include her and my friends tried also a couple of times but she kept being polite and smiling.

I was constantly checking on her just to make sure she was OK and she kept returning me some smiles. I noticed something was not right but I thought it would be something small... she would give me a clear signal if it was something big, I thought. So I focused on having a good time and good conversations with my friends.
When the dinner ended, I took her home and that's when shit hit the fan.
She basically started an argument on how a bad boyfriend I am, calling me on neglecting her during the dinner, saying that I care much more for my friends than for her and that I make her feel insecure and jealous.

She said that she had a terrible time sitting next to that girl, couldn't hear much of whatever anyone else said, nobody cared to include her and that I was flirting with the new girl (this last one a total paranoia from her).
I pointed out that she is making stories in her head and that I treat the new girl respectably and interested the same way I do with most people... but she assures that I was trying to flirt with her.

I also pointed out that this is a recurring issue we have, she gets uncomfortable/angry about something, holds it up for hours or days until she explodes... and told her that she needs to communicate better.

Now the whole thing turned really bad because she claims that I don't make her feel safe and that I care more about my friends that about her.

She says she doesn't want to see my friends ever again.

-------

CONSIDERATIONS

Right now, my girlfriend entered a super depressive mood and it will take me days to get her out of it.
In all honesty, I think she is the best woman I have ever met... cute, smart, nice... but somedays I just can't handle those massive insecurities she carries.

If she could just outgrow them, she would be perfect.
The other thing is that a woman fitting with my friends circle is a TOP 5 MUST in my list.

I don't think I can/want to make it work with someone who does not want to join our night-outs, group travels, etc... but I don't think that's the case with her... I think she is just not used to socializing and being so out of her comfort zone is making her auto reject with aggressive rationalizations of how she does not fit (despite most my friends actively trying to include her).

I really don't know what to ask...

Should I try to build that confidence in her? Should I just accept her? Or maybe let her go?
Any advice is welcome.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Or maybe let her go?

I need more context. (Does she do this too often?)

If she doesn't get jealous too often, which you said she does not, then you should just read below by Chase, on strong personalities of humans.

I had a meek bestfriend, pretty introvert, and he once being antisocial infront of other people and I was kinda confused as to what's going on with him.

He then apologized and make a passing comment many months later and noted how I was very patient with him throughout the ordeal and not throw him under the bus even though I was kinda known over the social group.

"Known" here is subjective. I'm just a guy that people happened to have had many interactions with me, at the time.

The main key question here is where you going?

In my opinion,
- you are on the upward trajectory
(this might be untrue because you just meeting people for business. Thus this is just another meeting)

- she has a history of being more in 'her lane' than moving around

- she is not capable with handling new territories

I don't think that you should break up just yet. This is the buffer period of time where value assessing is more volatile. And this is the period where you analyze if she is good for you in the long term (depending on your goals)

So,
1)Where you heading next
2)Who she is and what she is capable of
3)What you willing to tolerate because she will be adjusting to your 'new' volatile social setting

Many females don't like this. Just as many men. Because you are essentially competing (ball busting) when you like social networking with other business/high level/testosterone people.

That gets very tiring if it is a common occurrence, which unfortunately is the world we live in today. Everyone is secretly tired of competing because now it's everywhere, thanks to the internet.

z@c+

Sidenote:

Why do Strong Personalities don't get along so well?

Are we really that insecure? I find that sometimes strong people don't hang out together or get along well. They obviously have their own lifes, but i just wonder is this how i really know true quality guys and the not true quality guys? Because honestly, i don't feel the need to screen the...

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[Zoro]

I have a pretty sensitive girlfriend as well. When things like that happen I let her know that what happened shouldn’t have happened and that it’s important to me to make sure it doesn’t happen again...

BUT I need her help to make sure it gets resolved. She needs to recognize her part in it.

That last part is huge. For example, if your girlfriend could admit she’s a little shy and wants to improve on that, that’s something you can work with, by letting her know you’ll support her in social situations and be there if she needs a life line.

If she doesn’t recognize any responsibility she had in what happened, I think it’s a lot harder to deal with since you basically have to apologize and take her responsibility as your own, and that’s not good for a healthy relationship.

In my own, even though my GF can go off the rails at times, she always owns up to her faults and that is what has won me over through out our relationship. I can communicate effectively with her and resolve issues, because both parties are willing to admit where they were at fault and decide together how to do better going forward.

 

[TomInHo]

THE PRECEDENT
She had not showed much jealousy before but the problem started one week ago when an old friend (woman) called me and asked me for help with her business.

We went to grab lunch and I tagged my GF along because she loves the restaurant and I wanted her to make friends with my hot friend (she is pretty cool)... I advised her that she would probably get bored while my friend and I talked about business but she was OK with that.

Anyway, on our way back, she started interrogating me on how we met each other and I confessed that we met because she is hot and I approached her in a business meet-up but she had an engagement ring back then and we just became friends.

Now that was a big mistake that threw her into a two-day jealousy/sadness fit and I had to deal with that.

Yup! Most girls that are really into you will get upset if you confessed to approaching other hot girls. Especially if you set the precedent of a monogamous relationship

Her response is not that strange because up to this point in the relationship she may have been feeling like she was your Queen. But then when you revealed that truth bomb to her it was a massive blow to her ego

She said that she had a terrible time sitting next to that girl, couldn't hear much of whatever anyone else said, nobody cared to include her and that I was flirting with the new girl (this last one a total paranoia from her).

This was just a test to see if she still had Queen status in your eyes. And is because of what happened earlier that is making her more alert about her status within your relationship

I pointed out that she is making stories in her head and that I treat the new girl respectably and interested the same way I do with most people... but she assures that I was trying to flirt with her.

I wouldn't have taken this too seriously. You could have laughed it off and reassured her by saying something like the woman was hot but you would never swap her out for your girl because of *insert whatever redeeming quality she has here*

I also pointed out that this is a recurring issue we have, she gets uncomfortable/angry about something, holds it up for hours or days until she explodes... and told her that she needs to communicate better.

She's a woman. Women are passive, especially when they are on the more submissive side. So whenever she has a problem with you, she would always revert to sulking and whining as her first choice, while hoping that you figure out that something is bothering her.

It may sound annoying but that's the price you pay for dealing with women

Now the whole thing turned really bad because she claims that I don't make her feel safe and that I care more about my friends that about her.

She says she doesn't want to see my friends ever again.

She's saying she doesn't feel reassured. It has nothing to do with your friends

CONSIDERATIONS

Right now, my girlfriend entered a super depressive mood and it will take me days to get her out of it.
In all honesty, I think she is the best woman I have ever met... cute, smart, nice... but somedays I just can't handle those massive insecurities she carries.

Meh! She'll get over it

Especially if you stay upbeat and focus on having fun with her to show that you care. Think of it as your attainability being currently low and you need to bring it up a tad

If she could just outgrow them, she would be perfect.
The other thing is that a woman fitting with my friends circle is a TOP 5 MUST in my list.

Nobody is perfect.

But now you have more information on your girl and you can actively structure your relationship in a way to avoid flare ups like this in the future.

I don't think I can/want to make it work with someone who does not want to join our night-outs, group travels, etc... but I don't think that's the case with her... I think she is just not used to socializing and being so out of her comfort zone is making her auto reject with aggressive rationalizations of how she does not fit (despite most my friends actively trying to include her).

Then focus on doing that stuff on your own time and then do the other stuff that you both enjoy together. You don't need to force your girlfriend into situations that she doesn't feel comfortable. It's wiser to avoid the problem entirely

If she wants to change she will on her own accord

Should I try to build that confidence in her? Should I just accept her? Or maybe let her go?
Any advice is welcome.

Accept her and just take this as feedback on how to run your relationship smoother going forward

 

[Will_V]

Hi everyone, I want to ask your opinion on a big mess that happened this weekend with my girlfriend of 1 year.
Before starting, I need to point out that she is a very cute, smart and well-meaning person... buuuuut, she has lived a very sheltered life and as a result of her family overbearing she is extremely shy.

This has been a defining part of the whole relationship.
-------

THE PRECEDENT
She had not showed much jealousy before but the problem started one week ago when an old friend (woman) called me and asked me for help with her business.

We went to grab lunch and I tagged my GF along because she loves the restaurant and I wanted her to make friends with my hot friend (she is pretty cool)... I advised her that she would probably get bored while my friend and I talked about business but she was OK with that.

Anyway, on our way back, she started interrogating me on how we met each other and I confessed that we met because she is hot and I approached her in a business meetup but she had an engagement ring back then and we just became friends.

Now that was a big mistake that threw her into a two-day jealousy/sadness fit and I had to deal with that.


--------

THE BIG FIGHT
Fast forward to last week, we had a restaurant dinner with my group of best friends... everyone brought his wife/gf and the main topic of the day was the new gf of one of my friends, a confident sexy brunette with a great body (in all honesty, it's obvious she has had at least five surgeries and dresses to catch men looks... not my type, but hey, she is a nice catch after all).
Due to unforeseen circumstances (and possibly a bad judgement on my part), my girlfriend and this woman ended up sitting together. I thought this was a good idea as she seemed pretty cool and would possibly strike some conversation with my girl.

Well, this turned out to be a very bad call, as after the dinner I found out that this new girl was throwing mean glances and competing with all the other women in the table.

I was actively avoiding looking at her to not bother my friend nor my girlfriend so I didn't notice at the moment.

At the same time, my friend and his new girl spent a good time whispering to each other which I didn't pay attention to but it turns out she was nagging him the whole time which made my gf uncomfortable.
So I enjoyed the dinner, talked to my friends, shared a lot of stories about traveling and had a pretty good laugh.

My girlfriend didn't participate much due to her shyness... I tried to include her and my friends tried also a couple of times but she kept being polite and smiling.

I was constantly checking on her just to make sure she was OK and she kept returning me some smiles. I noticed something was not right but I thought it would be something small... she would give me a clear signal if it was something big, I thought. So I focused on having a good time and good conversations with my friends.
When the dinner ended, I took her home and that's when shit hit the fan.
She basically started an argument on how a bad boyfriend I am, calling me on neglecting her during the dinner, saying that I care much more for my friends than for her and that I make her feel insecure and jealous.

She said that she had a terrible time sitting next to that girl, couldn't hear much of whatever anyone else said, nobody cared to include her and that I was flirting with the new girl (this last one a total paranoia from her).
I pointed out that she is making stories in her head and that I treat the new girl respectably and interested the same way I do with most people... but she assures that I was trying to flirt with her.

I also pointed out that this is a recurring issue we have, she gets uncomfortable/angry about something, holds it up for hours or days until she explodes... and told her that she needs to communicate better.

Now the whole thing turned really bad because she claims that I don't make her feel safe and that I care more about my friends that about her.

She says she doesn't want to see my friends ever again.

-------

CONSIDERATIONS

Right now, my girlfriend entered a super depressive mood and it will take me days to get her out of it.
In all honesty, I think she is the best woman I have ever met... cute, smart, nice... but somedays I just can't handle those massive insecurities she carries.

If she could just outgrow them, she would be perfect.
The other thing is that a woman fitting with my friends circle is a TOP 5 MUST in my list.

I don't think I can/want to make it work with someone who does not want to join our night-outs, group travels, etc... but I don't think that's the case with her... I think she is just not used to socializing and being so out of her comfort zone is making her auto reject with aggressive rationalizations of how she does not fit (despite most my friends actively trying to include her).

I really don't know what to ask...

Should I try to build that confidence in her? Should I just accept her? Or maybe let her go?
Any advice is welcome.

Sounds like there's a couple of things going on here:

1. There is a massive gap of life experience between you two.
2. The relationship is lacking a particular kind of ownership from you.

Combined, these things make her feel very insecure about what position she holds with you.

You seem to be a guy very experienced with seducing women, and in life in general, and I'm sure she can see that very well. On the other hand she's lived a sheltered life with limited exposure to anything, and that has made her feel shy and self conscious. When you go into these social situations together, that's when the difference becomes clearest to her. She loses a sense of commonality with you, of 'I am enough for him'ness.

To bridge that gap, the only way forward is to successfully navigate social situations as a couple, to create continued scenarios where you two are socializing together and after she feels like 'we did a good job at that'. That's to some extent just exposure, but it has to be exposure with an overall positive outcome.

Which brings me to the second point: ownership. In social situations, one of the best ways to make a woman feel secure is to show ownership of your relationship. The easiest way to do this is by showing ownership of her. If you're out together, every now and then come over to her, grab her and pull her in for a kiss, look her deep in the eyes, squeeze her butt or whatever she likes. That way she knows that every girl and guy there is getting the message 'she's mine and I want everyone to know it'. Nothing more validating for a woman.

Another thing you might try is to create an 'us vs them' bubble when you go out. Like whenever you drift back to her, talk about the other people there as if you're both observing and enjoying the social 'zoo'. It can create a sense of intimacy and enable her to enjoy everything going on around her in a way that brings her closer to you. You can even play around with it, like she's your student and you're showing her the ways of the world and giving her a role to play. Regardless, the idea is to give her some focused attention within a context of you and her together floating above everything going on.

Lastly I would suggest something that I think is important: don't get into the habit of 'taking care' of her when you go out. Instead, give her short periods of focused attention, 'territorial' displays, etc, and then go and completely remove your attention from her. After all she has to get used to you being focused on other things/people without getting anxious about it.

Good luck!

 

[ulrich]

In my opinion,
- you are on the upward trajectory
(this might be untrue because you just meeting people for business. Thus this is just another meeting)

- she has a history of being more in 'her lane' than moving around

- she is not capable with handling new territories

@ZacAdam, yes.
You are right, it seems that circumstances made her feel like she has to compete for me and she didn't exactly liked that.

I will do my best to avoid making her feel that in purpose but she also needs to understand this is the state of things.

Thanks!!

I have a pretty sensitive girlfriend as well. When things like that happen I let her know that what happened shouldn’t have happened and that it’s important to me to make sure it doesn’t happen again...

BUT I need her help to make sure it gets resolved. She needs to recognize her part in it.

That last part is huge. For example, if your girlfriend could admit she’s a little shy and wants to improve on that, that’s something you can work with, by letting her know you’ll support her in social situations and be there if she needs a life line.

If she doesn’t recognize any responsibility she had in what happened, I think it’s a lot harder to deal with since you basically have to apologize and take her responsibility as your own, and that’s not good for a healthy relationship.

In my own, even though my GF can go off the rails at times, she always owns up to her faults and that is what has won me over through out our relationship. I can communicate effectively with her and resolve issues, because both parties are willing to admit where they were at fault and decide together how to do better going forward.

@J Wick
Well, she admitted and apologized for getting all worked up on this scenario.
Didn't commit to communicate better but she seemed at least open to accept that she had some responsibility so that's a big step on the right direction.

 

[ulrich]

Yup! Most girls that are really into you will get upset if you confessed to approaching other hot girls. Especially if you set the precedent of a monogamous relationship

Her response is not that strange because up to this point in the relationship she may have been feeling like she was your Queen. But then when you revealed that truth bomb to her it was a massive blow to her ego


This was just a test to see if she still had Queen status in your eyes. And is because of what happened earlier that is making her more alert about her status within your relationship

OK, I see the mistake I did there.

In all honesty, I thought that a little jealosy and a reminder that I can get other girls easily would increase my value and give me an attraction boost... but it seems it ended being too much and threw me in low attaianability region.

Good to know, won't make the mistake again.

I wouldn't have taken this too seriously. You could have laughed it off and reassured her by saying something like the woman was hot but you would never swap her out for your girl because of *insert whatever redeeming quality she has here*



She's a woman. Women are passive, especially when they are on the more submissive side. So whenever she has a problem with you, she would always revert to sulking and whining as her first choice, while hoping that you figure out that something is bothering her.

Alright, so I should not get worried about the sudden extreme sulking... that's a way for her to deal with these things. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Gotcha.

Actually, we are much better now. I was surprised on how she can go from extremely distressed to all smiles and happy again in a couple of days.

It may sound annoying but that's the price you pay for dealing with women



She's saying she doesn't feel reassured. It has nothing to do with your friends

You were right in that one. She didn't mention it again.

She wasn't being honest about the real reason why she was all worked out but the signs were there. You catched them.

Meh! She'll get over it

Especially if you stay upbeat and focus on having fun with her to show that you care. Think of it as your attainability being currently low and you need to bring it up a tad

Standard attainability tech. Gotcha!!

Nobody is perfect.

But now you have more information on your girl and you can actively structure your relationship in a way to avoid flare ups like this in the future.



Then focus on doing that stuff on your own time and then do the other stuff that you both enjoy together. You don't need to force your girlfriend into situations that she doesn't feel comfortable. It's wiser to avoid the problem entirely

If she wants to change she will on her own accord



Accept her and just take this as feedback on how to run your relationship smoother going forward

Thanks, @TomInHo. This really helped me separate the fluff from the gold.

 

[ulrich]

Sounds like there's a couple of things going on here:

1. There is a massive gap of life experience between you two.
2. The relationship is lacking a particular kind of ownership from you.

Combined, these things make her feel very insecure about what position she holds with you.

You seem to be a guy very experienced with seducing women, and in life in general, and I'm sure she can see that very well. On the other hand she's lived a sheltered life with limited exposure to anything, and that has made her feel shy and self conscious. When you go into these social situations together, that's when the difference becomes clearest to her. She loses a sense of commonality with you, of 'I am enough for him'ness.

To bridge that gap, the only way forward is to successfully navigate social situations as a couple, to create continued scenarios where you two are socializing together and after she feels like 'we did a good job at that'. That's to some extent just exposure, but it has to be exposure with an overall positive outcome.

Which brings me to the second point: ownership. In social situations, one of the best ways to make a woman feel secure is to show ownership of your relationship. The easiest way to do this is by showing ownership of her. If you're out together, every now and then come over to her, grab her and pull her in for a kiss, look her deep in the eyes, squeeze her butt or whatever she likes. That way she knows that every girl and guy there is getting the message 'she's mine and I want everyone to know it'. Nothing more validating for a woman.

Another thing you might try is to create an 'us vs them' bubble when you go out. Like whenever you drift back to her, talk about the other people there as if you're both observing and enjoying the social 'zoo'. It can create a sense of intimacy and enable her to enjoy everything going on around her in a way that brings her closer to you. You can even play around with it, like she's your student and you're showing her the ways of the world and giving her a role to play. Regardless, the idea is to give her some focused attention within a context of you and her together floating above everything going on.

Lastly I would suggest something that I think is important: don't get into the habit of 'taking care' of her when you go out. Instead, give her short periods of focused attention, 'territorial' displays, etc, and then go and completely remove your attention from her. After all she has to get used to you being focused on other things/people without getting anxious about it.

Good luck!

Thanks @Will_V.

This is something that i really needed to read.
The ownership factor is something I can do much better and I would never have thought about that. Definitely something that I need in this relationship.

Alright, that becomes new normal in this relationship.

Thanks for your help.

 

[ulrich]

BIG UPDATE:

Two days after the big fight, my gf started sending me increasingly happier and upbeat text messages... all progressively... it surprised me how quickly she went from sulking and depressive to happy and positive again.
By the third day she was insisting me to go visit her.

When I went to her home, she was in a much nicer mood and apologized for the drama. She also did some explaining.

It turns out the thing that got her all worked out was the new girl aggressive an competitive behaviour. It seems this girls was low-key throwing meaning glances and a very bad vibe to all other women present.
I didn't notice but my girlfriend did and fell all for the trap... feeling like she was being insulted and despised.

All the other stuff about hating my friends might have been an exageration based on her wanting me to do something about the insult but not catching the signs.

She accepted that it was her fault for taking that insult too personally.

I did some "us vs. them" reframe on how we are going to deal with this nasty woman next time we meet her so she doesn't have to deal with it and I expressed my disapproval on people making those kinds of calculating social climbing moves.

I think we will be alright.