Girl seemed nervous/uncomfortable at lunch

[identityUpgrade]

I went out with a girl from my university today, nothing particularly crazy, just went to get food at a coffee-shop. We started off with the typical stuff, majors and what not. I tried to do some deep diving, and asked her why she chose her major, and afterward what she wants to do after college is over. I felt like the conversation was going well. I wasn't speaking too much, only answering questions, before directing attention back to her, but when she was talking she seemed nervous. She was fidgeting a bit, talking pretty quickly and would look around a bunch as she spoke, before returning her eyes back to mine (I think this is partially because my eye contact was a little too intense, I tried to break eye contact when she did, but I don't think it was for long enough). The conversation was strong in the beginning, but I think I may have had us spend too much time on certain topics. I also think I didn't demonstrate interest enough and related too much. Just some guesses, but I don't really know what was wrong, something just felt a little off. At least in my mind this kind of nervousness was not a good thing. What do you guys think is the cause? And is nervousness like this a bad thing?

Thanks in advance guys!

 

[Adam101]

I think what happened is she got the sense you were looking for a long-term relationship or wife hunting.

The Deep Dive is discussed on this site as being a very powerful tool that can separate you from most men a woman meets because it's about forming a connection and that is absolutely true. However implementing it is far more nuanced than what the site implies and maybe it'd be beneficial to have an article elaborating on that.

When I first started out and read about Deep Dive like you I would use it almost immediately. I thought I was showing myself as a man of substance but girls would give minimal responses and the conversation got dryer than the Sahara. What I discovered is deep diving can be defined as "heavy" conversation, and when a girl has just met you it's the last damn thing she wants. She wants the conversation to be fun but by asking things like "What's your major?" and "What do you want to do after college?" it comes off as though you're grilling her about all her major life decisions. In her mind though she's thinking you're interviewing her to see if your life plans match up in any way for compatibility. That's a lot of pressure! This is something women are more open to in their 30's when they're ready to settle down because they are done with "games" and so they want it all laid out on the table since the bio clock is ticking. So for this girl it sounds to me like you made her nervous because you were intense and treated your date like a potential business partnership.

I think Deep Dive is best thought of as a method of "seizing opportunity." When you small talk you're looking for something that triggers an emotional response out of her and once you do that's when you dive in. For example I recently was on a date with a girl and at one point she mentioned an affinity for the country of France. Sensing an emotional connection to the topic I started deep diving and that's when all the hopes and dreams came out. However this came after roughly 30 minutes or so of just talking about what was around us. As a result I was able to develop a strong connection with her thanks to the benefits of Deep Dive. The short version of this being, don't lead with Deep Dive but instead think of it as a tool to be used when a woman raises an emotion flag via conversation. On your next date try being present and lead with small talk instead of going straight to Deep Dive. Make a note of how she responds and let us know how it went!
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[identityUpgrade]

Wow, thanks Adam, that was interesting to read. I had never thought about it like that, but nice to know now.

I will definitely keep that in mind during my future conversations.

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

identity,

Adding to what Adam said, there are deep diving question you can use that don't lead the girl to thinking you are looking for a LTR. Some are "What do you like to do outside of college?" "What are your hobbies?" "What do you do in your free time?" "What is your family heritage?" "What kind of music do you like?" "Who is your favorite author?"

These are all questions which get her talking about her likes and dislikes. She will get that you are interested in what she is about and who she is. Good luck on your future dates.

SGent