Girlfriend Dancing With Other Guys

[ProblemSolving]

Hey guys!

Here's the situation. Lately, I quit work and instead, started working at home to get my business off the ground. I mention this because this change has kind of transformed my abundance mentality into a scarce one, with me being available all the time and slightly needy. I intend to remedy this quickly. With that said, my girlfriend of 10 months went to a work party with a bunch of coworkers at a bar for her first time. We traded a few texts while she was out, then she called me drunk as a skunk as she was heading home:

G: Hey PS! I had so much fun tonight. I danced with so many people (She begins listing a bunch of guys from work). I think I might get fired hahaha (Rambles about a conversation with her boss).

Me: Did you do anything stupid?

G: No

She rambles a bit more, with much of it incoherent.

G: I love you bye

Me: I love you too

A few hours later she texted me:

G: I love you babe

I didn't respond

I didn't show it, but my blood was boiling at this point. Should I be upset or am I just being a little bitch baby? Maybe I should have laid some ground rules before she left. Here's how I intend to respond when we speak face to face tomorrow.

Me: I just want some clarification here. It's cool if I go out, get hammered, and go grind on a bunch of women tonight, right?

The way I see, she can potentially respond 4 ways:

1) Low energy denial- If it's low energy, I'll know she's lying and therefore, press harder.

2 )High energy denial- If my accusations are false, and nothing sexual occurred, then she would definitely respond dramatically

3) Immediate apology

4) Affirms my accusations and is fine with my response - If this is the case, then it's over. She's gone.

Sorry for the long post. What would you do?

 

[Light]

Hi PS,

I'm glad I got to read this before you talk to her tomorrow. As a man, I will give you the respect of making your own decisions. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but would like for you to listen to a few points I have to make:

With that said, my girlfriend of 10 months went to a work party with a bunch of coworkers at a bar for her first time. We traded a few texts while she was out,

- Bare in mind this is something new to her, so it is to be expected that she will try to have as much fun as she could possibly can. The fact that you know where she's going means that you can trust her, and also her texting you on her way out is a way to comfirm her trust.

then she called me drunk as a skunk as she was heading home:

G: Hey PS! I had so much fun tonight. I danced with so many people (She begins listing a bunch of guys from work). I think I might get fired hahaha (Rambles about a conversation with her boss).

- If she didn't have you in her mind, she wouldn't even bother calling you. Its a way for her to tell you no matter how much fun it was, you was always on her mind. Not to mention if she did do something behind your back, the guilt would have shut her up all night.

A few hours later she texted me:

G: I love you babe

- A confirmation of her really missing you. She is thinking about you AFTER a happy time. This is a good thing! It is healthy for your relationship.
Imagine if she only thought of you after a sad time... how would that make you feel? It would give the impression that she is only using you. (Thats where guys end up after getting friend zoned!)

I didn't show it, but my blood was boiling at this point. Should I be upset or am I just being a little bitch baby? Maybe I should have laid some ground rules before she left.

- I'll be honest. Yes you are being a little bit bitchy baby. I would be delighted to know that my gf was still thinking about me after such a wild night out... I would probably fly over straight away to give her some wild sex.
- I wouldn't start laying any rules, as no one like rules to begin with. Laying rules will only create a barrier, and will put both of you in an "Expectation" mode. Problem with this is, once expectation is not met or broken.. It leads to disappointments and a feeling of betrayal - which is all illusional. Not healthy for a relationship.

As far as I am concerned, She hasn't done anything wrong. So you shouldn't make a big deal out of it, and you shouldn't say anything that will make her feel bad or guilty in anyway. Otherwise, she may not even tell you what she gets up to next time.. if you see what I mean. But with all due respect my friend, the decision is always yours.

Just remember this:
- Love (and Relationship) is a Two-Way street. The fault is never on just one side. The responsibility lies on both of you.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Hi PS,

A few hours later she texted me:

G: I love you babe


- A confirmation of her really missing you. She is thinking about you AFTER a happy time. This is a good thing! It is healthy for your relationship.
Imagine if she only thought of you after a sad time... how would that make you feel? It would give the impression that she is only using you. (Thats where guys end up after getting friend zoned!)

i have to admit, that's a cool girl you got. Still thinks about you after some wild party.

Zac

 

[ProblemSolving]

Thanks gents! Turns out it was much ado about nothing. My shut-in status lately has made me paranoid it seems.

She lied on the phone. She never did dance with anyone, but her brother for one song. I was a little skeptical, thinking she was doing some damage control, but then she showed me a video of the party. After seeing the video my suspicion vanished. It was a restaurant with a small corner blocked off for a "dance floor". Any kind of risky business would have been way out of place especially with the company owners in attendance.

Why would she lie in the first place? She said she was just being dumb and didn't know why. I suspect she was trying to get a rise out of me, since she always complains that I never get jealous when guys are ogling her or when I ask her to describe how guys hit on her during the day. Well, this little stunt worked!

I asked her what she would of done if I told her I got drunk and went out dancing with some of my female friends who were my coworkers, she said she'd kill me. We're both on the same page, we both have high standards for each other. In the end, she said she never wanted to go to another party without me and with that we got intimate.

You guys are right, she is an awesome girl. It took a ton of screening to find her, and like with all very desirable women, a heavy dose of abundance mentality to keep her. It's only been recently with money being tight and not being very busy, that the scarce mentality has started to creep in. I'm working on getting that sorted out.

Thanks again.

 

[Chase]

PS-

Good call not flipping out on her. Thoughts:

She lied on the phone. She never did dance with anyone, but her brother for one song. I was a little skeptical, thinking she was doing some damage control, but then she showed me a video of the party. After seeing the video my suspicion vanished. It was a restaurant with a small corner blocked off for a "dance floor". Any kind of risky business would have been way out of place especially with the company owners in attendance.

Why would she lie in the first place? She said she was just being dumb and didn't know why. I suspect she was trying to get a rise out of me, since she always complains that I never get jealous when guys are ogling her or when I ask her to describe how guys hit on her during the day. Well, this little stunt worked!

I dated a girl like this. It was really weird. I'd dated girls who'd lied to make themselves sound more innocent, but never one to make herself sound less so before. Some of the things she "revealed" to me that weren't actually true:

• That she wanted to start going out with guys, just to keep them around her as backups
• That she thought about Keanu Reeves while masturbating after we watched The Matrix
• That she was a prostitute when she was younger to pay her way through college

... and all kinds of other things. I later found out that she did this with pretty much everyone; she'd done it with her previous boyfriends, and even their friends (one of her previous boyfriend's buddies started chasing after her when she told him she wanted to sleep with him, and it led to her boyfriend and that guy no longer being friends). The girl was a handful, but very curious in a kind of innocent puppeteer way. She liked to push people's buttons just to see how they'd react. A social experimenter, you might say.

Really, it's just an effort to test you and see if she can get a rise out of you, like you note. She wants to know where you stand. Are you going to:

• Flip out and get insecure and panicky and angry?
• Be a weak pushover and just let her do whatever she wants?

Either of those is a bad sign.

WIth the girl I dated like this, her father had been strict, and she'd been used to being punished harshly. She confessed to me that when she did something wrong (even if it had nothing to do with us), what she really wanted was for me to punish her and make her feel bad. I eventually reasoned that this behavior stemmed partly out of this, too; in a masochistic way, she was hoping I would punish her and make her feel dominated for breaking the rules. If too long went on without us having any drama and me "punishing" her, she would start to complain that life wasn't "exciting" enough. Then, along would come some drama / lying tests from her, and along would come some punishment from me.

Other than that, she was a really bright, intelligent, ambitious, and sociable girl. Quite beautiful, and very confident and well-adjusted. A little impulsive, but no other glaring personality deficits. Just very curious, inquisitive, and prone to poking at things to see what kinds of reactions she could get... and maybe elicit a little punishment, too.

Chase

 

[Whizzy]

All depends if you think the games are worth putting up with or you just want to move on it sounds

 

[ProblemSolving]

PS-

Good call not flipping out on her. Thoughts:

She lied on the phone. She never did dance with anyone, but her brother for one song. I was a little skeptical, thinking she was doing some damage control, but then she showed me a video of the party. After seeing the video my suspicion vanished. It was a restaurant with a small corner blocked off for a "dance floor". Any kind of risky business would have been way out of place especially with the company owners in attendance.

Why would she lie in the first place? She said she was just being dumb and didn't know why. I suspect she was trying to get a rise out of me, since she always complains that I never get jealous when guys are ogling her or when I ask her to describe how guys hit on her during the day. Well, this little stunt worked!

I dated a girl like this. It was really weird. I'd dated girls who'd lied to make themselves sound more innocent, but never one to make herself sound less so before. Some of the things she "revealed" to me that weren't actually true:

• That she wanted to start going out with guys, just to keep them around her as backups
• That she thought about Keanu Reeves while masturbating after we watched The Matrix
• That she was a prostitute when she was younger to pay her way through college

... and all kinds of other things. I later found out that she did this with pretty much everyone; she'd done it with her previous boyfriends, and even their friends (one of her previous boyfriend's buddies started chasing after her when she told him she wanted to sleep with him, and it led to her boyfriend and that guy no longer being friends). The girl was a handful, but very curious in a kind of innocent puppeteer way. She liked to push people's buttons just to see how they'd react. A social experimenter, you might say.

Really, it's just an effort to test you and see if she can get a rise out of you, like you note. She wants to know where you stand. Are you going to:

• Flip out and get insecure and panicky and angry?
• Be a weak pushover and just let her do whatever she wants?

Either of those is a bad sign.

WIth the girl I dated like this, her father had been strict, and she'd been used to being punished harshly. She confessed to me that when she did something wrong (even if it had nothing to do with us), what she really wanted was for me to punish her and make her feel bad. I eventually reasoned that this behavior stemmed partly out of this, too; in a masochistic way, she was hoping I would punish her and make her feel dominated for breaking the rules. If too long went on without us having any drama and me "punishing" her, she would start to complain that life wasn't "exciting" enough. Then, along would come some drama / lying tests from her, and along would come some punishment from me.

Other than that, she was a really bright, intelligent, ambitious, and sociable girl. Quite beautiful, and very confident and well-adjusted. A little impulsive, but no other glaring personality deficits. Just very curious, inquisitive, and prone to poking at things to see what kinds of reactions she could get... and maybe elicit a little punishment, too.

Chase

Thanks for the input Chase! I completely agree with you about some girls getting off on being dominated. Consequently, I believe deep down, ALL girls want a dominant man to dominate them in some capacity, and like everything in relationships it's about finding the right balance.

I think this whole situation was due to her being so drunk. The conversation I had with her while she was drunk didn't make any sense. One minute she says she danced with all these guys and then next minute she says she got fired, both turned out to be untrue. She has never lied to me before, so my confidence in her hasn't wavered. However, I put her on notice that the whole "I was drunk" excuse was not going to fly with me. She understood and said it wouldn't happen again- I was satisfied.

 

[girlsfollow]

dont set rules or get annoyed - it teaches her not to be honest and text you after a night out - you should actually show your appreciation for the texts somehow subtly. I know it feels like you should do what you said - but its the opposite! Don't do it - its confirming what you said - displaying you are insecure. You should know you are the best guy around and she obviously only wants you. You've asked her already if anything happend and she said no - you should accept that and FOCUS on building your abundance so this isnt a big deal - do it now and just stay aware

little punishment, too.

Chase

ah saw the rest....good - yeh I like to throw in the getting drunk point too but never set it as a rule just a general feeling - it would be interesting to know how you do put your foot down in cases where its appropriate though chase? When is it? how did you punish your girl?

 

[PinotNoir]

To be honest, I think the initial text is great. If she truly had been dancing with guys, this would have told me that they had kicked an emotional high in her, and she was texting you for the emotional release: sex.

The fact that she lied... This makes me think that she's not feeling much passion or spontaneity in your relationship, and I still think she wanted sex that night with you. She's introducing lies to try and make you blood boil because she craves that attention and wild passion.

The only problem now is that you want to add this wild passion back in but you do not want to reward the bad behavior of lying. If you "reward" her, she'll think it's good to keep lying so that she gets this fiery romance. I think she is missing that spark though. Do something spontaneous with her and talk her up. Take her to a dance class since that's almost what she's hinting at here (dance class does not equal club). Just make sure that she doesn't think/know you're doing this because you got mad when she lied.

 

[girlsfollow]

To be honest, I think the initial text is great. If she truly had been dancing with guys, this would have told me that they had kicked an emotional high in her, and she was texting you for the emotional release: sex.

The fact that she lied... This makes me think that she's not feeling much passion or spontaneity in your relationship, and I still think she wanted sex that night with you. She's introducing lies to try and make you blood boil because she craves that attention and wild passion.

The only problem now is that you want to add this wild passion back in but you do not want to reward the bad behavior of lying. If you "reward" her, she'll think it's good to keep lying so that she gets this fiery romance. I think she is missing that spark though. Do something spontaneous with her and talk her up. Take her to a dance class since that's almost what she's hinting at here (dance class does not equal club). Just make sure that she doesn't think/know you're doing this because you got mad when she lied.

Yes this is interesting - we would probably be happy with things just being stable and happy all the time. Most girls need to have emotional highs and lows though - they NEED to have variation in the emotional tone of the relationship. Its very difficult to do in a safe way though. You can start chatting with some girls infront of her to hit some strong emotions and then have a discussion about it..... but then this can easily lead to a war....I think the safest way is to travel together - always be planning a trip in the future and make it different when you do go - do something VERY exciting and stimulating and different. Ideally we need to think of things that can hit this switch every other week or so.....

 

[ProblemSolving]

Thanks for all the feedback gents!

Honestly, this whole situation caused a MOMENTARY lapse in my security. A blip on the radar, if you will. It taught me to not jump to conclusions before getting all the facts. Since then, I've led with strength and everything has been pretty smooth sailing. Recently, the only problem I've had to deal with is her hounding me about what to get me for Valentine's day, so no worries.

 

[Chase]

GF-

it would be interesting to know how you do put your foot down in cases where its appropriate though chase? When is it? how did you punish your girl?

Very much depends on the situation. I go into it pretty in-depth in this article:

Operant Conditioning in Your Romantic Relationships

Chase