Novacane-
Novacane said:
First and foremost I got myself into a sticky situation through curiosity, and half-witted decisions. With that being said the experience has really hit me to the core as I tend to be very open and give people the benefit of the doubt. However with the recent turn of events I've come to realize you can't really trust nobody, it's not that I am naive but I still try to justify that close friends would never go around and betray you in any shape or form, but when it is a multitude of people and your not sure who to trust what do you do? How can one still give people the benefit of the doubt without trusting someone until they can prove they are worthy of it? Any advice or ways in how you managed to cope with a situation that hit you with the reality there isn't any one you can really trust, is appreciated.
Yeah, a nice little stab in the back can certainly serve as a wake up call.
At the same time, it's very important to not let it jade you.
I find that quite generally, you can get a good idea about how people are likely to behave in the future by looking at how they've behaved in the past and how you see them behaving right now with other people. Promises + work ethic tend to be the most reliable indicators, although also looking out for snakes in the grass.
If someone makes lots of promises ("We're going to do this!" "Wow, we'll be XYZ!" "10 years from now, you and I are going to ABC!"), he's a highly emotional person who says and does whatever's on his mind at the moment. These people can be a lot of fun, and can provide jolts of energy in whatever capacity you have them in your life in, but emotions are fleeting, and so are the loyalties of emotional people. Because they follow their emotions so strongly, what feels like they want forever and ever right now can often feel like something they have zero interest in tomorrow. Emotional people frequently don't realize that others' emotions aren't nearly as transient, and they expect you'll forget about things (like promises, guarantees, commitments, etc.) just as readily as they do.
If someone doesn't have a fantastic work ethic - e.g., focus on something one moment, something different the next, something entirely different after that - or you see them talking about how hard they work but have trouble putting a finger on exactly what it is they do, this is another indicator of someone slippery and changeable who doesn't like being nailed down and prefers not to feel like she has any duties or obligations to anyone else.
A snake in the grass is someone who's both reserved (doesn't make promises) and seems to keep his nose to the grindstone, but is also an opportunist and constantly watching for his chance to strike and turn things more to his advantage. These are the "calculators" who will let you down, whereas the other ones are just flighty and emotional. Calculating people plan out when they'll pull the rug out from under you; flighty people don't plan to do it, they just do it by accident as they do a 180 course correction because the winds have changed.
Alternately, there are the professional conmen, whom you'll usually only meet from time to time, who often start out by being generous with you, then turn around and ask for something back far greater in return. Watch for unexpected generosity - usually of things you don't really want or didn't ask for - followed by requests that you give or do something, almost always followed up with guilt-tripping and sob stories ("Why is life so hard for me???") if you don't jump at the opportunity to "pay the favor back" right away. These people it's just better to have nothing to do with from the instant they start trying to do little weird favors for you that are unwanted... usually you can get the sense that they're setting you up for something, even the ones who are pretty good at it.
Aside from looking out for personality types likely to cause you distress at some point, a few other things to mind:
- Live life as unashamedly but also as honestly and considerately of others as possible, to remove most angles for attack
- Never let anyone control any of your resources - your time, your money, your possessions - that you're not 100% comfortable losing
- Have backup plans for everything - dating, social life, income, etc. What will you do if the rug is pulled out from under you in one?
- Be aware of the things other people ask for when they know you have them or are good at them (money, special skills, emotional support) and keep them low key so you don't have people chasing you down who are most interested in using what you've got while providing little in return
Guard your time and money, and have backup plans for everything, and you're generally safe and can permit yourself to indulge with people as much as you'd like to other than that. Be smart, be aware of the levers other people can use to con, blackmail, or manipulate you, and just don't leave any temptation out or pathways in to make it easier.
The biggest one is really just avoiding the personality types for whom its in their nature to change directions on a whim or take things from you when they see a chance. These people have the things that they're good at, and can be interesting to learn social skills like persistence and determination from, but they tend to turn on those closest to them first, not because they're intentionally trying to hurt anyone, but mostly because that's simply what they do. They have a more short-term view of the world of "get what you can before you lose your chance to" rather than the longer-term "do well for others and one day they will do well by you" view... which makes them largely incompatible with people with longer-term inclinations.
Just remember that short-term and long-term don't mix. If your mentality is, "I'll give to people now, and one day I'll get in return!" and someone else's mentality is, "I've got to get from people now, because tomorrow never comes!" you've got a recipe for disaster. Look for people with a similar length of view to yours and you'll be fine (i.e., find other people who believe in giving now to get later rather than getting now to get now).
Chase
