Hi all, so to keep all of this VERY short:
I was living in Asia, met a girl at the start of January, she is Vietnamese. Had a nice first date, invited her home, she didn't want to go, had the second date and tbh I felt that the sexual spark wasn't really there. Still she was interesting.. Had a 3rd date scheduled and I wanted to cancel, but she insisted that since we had it scheduled I should stick to it and I was like "wow this is interesting" so we went on the date and here comes the curveball:
I suffered from pretty terrible childhood neglect from my parents and it affected my life in all sort of ways, especially relationships. I am in my 30's and I still never had a proper relationship. I worked a lot on this for myself, therapy, etc, I improved a lot internally and now I feel ready to be with someone but... Ofc I am not comfortable sharing all this with women.. but I kinda trusted this gal and though " F it, I'll share it all with her"
The common wisdom is that you shouldn't be so vulnerable with women, you will be perceived as weak bla bla. But her reaction was quite surprising, she said she really liked how I dealt with all the shit that happened to me and it was almost the first time in my life I felt understood by someone who can be a potential romantic partner.
So to keep this post to less than 350 pages, we started seeing each, but I just didn't feel any sexual attraction by her. I thought that this was a pretty clear sign we are just great friends and not lovers, but the thing is that, this had happened to me many times before. I met girls that were perfect matches on a personal level (hot as well), but I just couldn't feel any sexuality between us. On the contrary, if I don't see the girl as a potential soul match, I am sexually attracted.
It does bother me a lot that since I am with her, I find other women sexually attractive... But as I said this happened before, personal attraction = no sex drive; no personal attraction = sex drive.
Anyhow, we spent 3 months together like this, really nice relationship on personal level, a lot of trust to share everything, but no sex.. We even went travelling together and all. I always told her everything I feel, all my past problems, she told me a lot about herself as well, etc. We have great communication and a lot in common. We have very different cultural backgrounds, but I don't think it's much of an issue.. Like I am sarcastic, she isn't. Anyways, she is cool with the lack of sexual spark for now and said she can wait and see what happens. Again, most women would have left by now, but she is just so persistent to make this work!
Now it's been 3 weeks I came back to Europe and she is coming to visit me soon. I still feel uncertainty about our future together, the lack of sexuality bothers me. And now come the questions:
Have you guys experienced something like this? Do you think that the sexuality is something that can be developed between us? For me it's a crucial part of the relationship and I don't want to be in a position where I am taking advantage of her by "using" her care for me, just to be with someone, while having all these doubts about our future compatibility.
Usually these sex drive problems start after some time together, not at the beginning, so that's why I would like some experiences from you. If you are someone who suffered from abuse as a child, then your experience would be very much appreciated!
I understand that the obvious answer may be to leave her, but try to look at this from perspective of someone who had a lot of problems in the childhood and teens, was never really loved by anyone, so I simply can't trust my obvious instinct here.
PS: I have no problem to meet women, so this is not the case of settling for someone bc I can't get better. I am just not sure if I would be losing an amazing person before trying all possible solutions to make this work.
Cheers!
I was living in Asia, met a girl at the start of January, she is Vietnamese. Had a nice first date, invited her home, she didn't want to go, had the second date and tbh I felt that the sexual spark wasn't really there. Still she was interesting.. Had a 3rd date scheduled and I wanted to cancel, but she insisted that since we had it scheduled I should stick to it and I was like "wow this is interesting" so we went on the date and here comes the curveball:
I suffered from pretty terrible childhood neglect from my parents and it affected my life in all sort of ways, especially relationships. I am in my 30's and I still never had a proper relationship. I worked a lot on this for myself, therapy, etc, I improved a lot internally and now I feel ready to be with someone but... Ofc I am not comfortable sharing all this with women.. but I kinda trusted this gal and though " F it, I'll share it all with her"
The common wisdom is that you shouldn't be so vulnerable with women, you will be perceived as weak bla bla. But her reaction was quite surprising, she said she really liked how I dealt with all the shit that happened to me and it was almost the first time in my life I felt understood by someone who can be a potential romantic partner.
So to keep this post to less than 350 pages, we started seeing each, but I just didn't feel any sexual attraction by her. I thought that this was a pretty clear sign we are just great friends and not lovers, but the thing is that, this had happened to me many times before. I met girls that were perfect matches on a personal level (hot as well), but I just couldn't feel any sexuality between us. On the contrary, if I don't see the girl as a potential soul match, I am sexually attracted.
It does bother me a lot that since I am with her, I find other women sexually attractive... But as I said this happened before, personal attraction = no sex drive; no personal attraction = sex drive.
Anyhow, we spent 3 months together like this, really nice relationship on personal level, a lot of trust to share everything, but no sex.. We even went travelling together and all. I always told her everything I feel, all my past problems, she told me a lot about herself as well, etc. We have great communication and a lot in common. We have very different cultural backgrounds, but I don't think it's much of an issue.. Like I am sarcastic, she isn't. Anyways, she is cool with the lack of sexual spark for now and said she can wait and see what happens. Again, most women would have left by now, but she is just so persistent to make this work!
Now it's been 3 weeks I came back to Europe and she is coming to visit me soon. I still feel uncertainty about our future together, the lack of sexuality bothers me. And now come the questions:
Have you guys experienced something like this? Do you think that the sexuality is something that can be developed between us? For me it's a crucial part of the relationship and I don't want to be in a position where I am taking advantage of her by "using" her care for me, just to be with someone, while having all these doubts about our future compatibility.
Usually these sex drive problems start after some time together, not at the beginning, so that's why I would like some experiences from you. If you are someone who suffered from abuse as a child, then your experience would be very much appreciated!
I understand that the obvious answer may be to leave her, but try to look at this from perspective of someone who had a lot of problems in the childhood and teens, was never really loved by anyone, so I simply can't trust my obvious instinct here.
PS: I have no problem to meet women, so this is not the case of settling for someone bc I can't get better. I am just not sure if I would be losing an amazing person before trying all possible solutions to make this work.
Cheers!
