Casual/FWB Hooked up but want it to keep going

[ChalupaBatman]

I met a girl online and we decided to go out. To make a long story short, we hit it off and went back to her place and hooked up. My question is, how can I keep this going to a FWB situation?

I messaged her a few days later asking if she wanted to hang out again. She made up an excuse that she could not make it. The excuse did not sound believable and I called her out on it. She did not like this and got pretty irritated. That was a few days ago and I haven't heard from her since. So I'm pretty much thinking this might be over...but how should I play it now that she blew me off? I definitely want to hook up with her again in the future. Thanks for all the help!

 

[trashKENNUT]

ChalupaBatman,

You came off too strong. Maybe it was bad sex or she just used to hooking up. and not wanting to see you again. You might want to give her a message a week later, coming off like nothing happen. Have lunch first before going at it, but then, not really possible the next time round. Just give it a shot. and see what you can take any info from there.

Zac

 

[Franco]

Hey CB,

Calling her out on her excuse probably wasn't a good idea, especially since you've only hooked up once, and you're trying to keep things casual anyway. You can't really be in a "friends" with benefits situation if you're going to treat her like a girlfriend who you think is cheating on you. It's best to just be relaxed and reply with something more along the lines of, "Ok, cool, no worries. I'll hit you up sometime next week and see what you're up to. " You should maintain this type of "coolness" regardless of whether you believe she is making up excuses or not.

The other possibility that she didn't want to hang out (besides the remark you made to her), as Zac mentioned, is that you didn't take care of all of her needs in some way that she actually felt like she wanted to hook up with you again. This could because the sex wasn't too great, or it could also be because you didn't show enough warmth after sex. The other possibility is that you showed too much warmth after sex (i.e. got "lovey dovey") and possibly spooked her into not wanting to hook up with you again because her expectations might have been to keep things casual.

EDIT: And of course, there is always the possibility that she might have been genuinely busy and couldn't see you! Even if this isn't the case, you should treat it as such.

Zac has good advice for trying to amend things with her. I would just give her a week to cool off, and send her a chill message the following week asking if she wants to hang out again. If she wasn't too put off by your accusation, then you might be able to salvage this one.

- Franco

 

[ChalupaBatman]

Thanks for helpful advice Zac and Franco. The one thing both of you mentioned that got me thinking was the quality of sex. It just wasn't there that night and now that I look back I see that.

Franco you are definitely right that I blew it even more by sending those texts calling her out. I'll try to have a more cool attitude in the future.

I still think this girl is gone for good but I'll shoot a message to her in a week or so and let everyone know how it goes. You guys are the best. This site is changing my life. Thanks again.

 

[gifatron]

You're a bit past this point, but something that has worked in my (admittedly fairly limited) experience for transitioning from a one time thing to an ongoing thing is to text her after the fact and communicate a handful of things to her.

1. You had a good time and would like to see her again.
2. You are available some time in the next week or so (I generally name a specific day)
3. She has this one opportunity to follow up if she wants to see you again, but
4. If she doesn't want to see you again, that's cool, and you genuinely wish her a great life.

Something I tried a few times in college, just did again last week, and it's worked pretty well -- I think it's at 3/4 success rate for me. Usually, it'll look something like this,

"Hey, Jennifer! Just texting to let you know...If you'd like to see me again, I'm available X day -- otherwise, have a nice life! "

The key on this is to communicate genuine interest, scarcity, and warmth all at once. You make yourself available one day or never again -- the now or never freeze out effect is pretty attractive, and it also gives you the advantage of closure if she turns you down. You may lose some possible leads this way, but for me, personally, the freedom of knowing for sure she's out of your life is awesome. It uses an invitation to force closure.

Of course, if she doesn't want to see you again, that's that...but it's a nice way to get what you want out of the interaction quick, or set you up to move on to the next girl.