How can I fix this frustrating problem?

[RAFox]

Hello there!

This is a post concerning my parents--my father, to be exact. My mother just sits there and complies.
This is in no way a venting thread, I can control my emotions quite well already. But
I sincerely hope you guys can help me out here--I am at my rope's end.

My father has the frustrating tendency to make mountains out of molehills. He will take one thing I or my siblings do and blow it out of proportion. I'll share with you this story, to illustrate my point:
I recently turned 18, and as I'm still living with my parents, I had to go and confirm that I'm still living with them and living off their insurance. Which means I had to get some papers off my school and hand them to the insurance. I still had weeks of time at that point.

11 am that day, and I my phone rang just as I was getting dressed to go and sort my stuff out.
Dad: What are you still doing at home? How are you not finished yet? You better be done come afternoon, or else! (I am not exaggerating here)
I just say "okay" a couple of times during the convo, and hang up to head out.

Collecting the papers from my school, after hearing another infuriated "Why are you taking so long?" Speech on the phone, I head to the insurance company, and hand them the papers. You see, as it's still summer holidays, they could only give me the papers of LAST year, whereas I have to give them the confirmation of me attending school THIS year, which I can only get next week, at the start of 12th grade. Meaning that it was pretty much futile to go there that day.

So when he came home, I expained this to him, and he seemed understanding.
I am an aspiring CG-artist, and also part of a volunteer-based game project. Thus, I spend a majority of my time on my laptop.

After dinner, I open my laptop and do some sketching, when my dad walks in and this converation ensues:
Dad: Son, what are you doing?
Me: You know, ordinary stuff ( He is aware of me being part of a team)
Dad:Aren't you ASHAMED?(Again, not exaggerating here)
Me:Why would I? -In a joking tone
Dad:You know why! I told you a week ago that you, and your siblings, mustn't do anything to piss me off. And I told you three days ago you should handle this first thing in the morning, yet I call you at noon, and you're STILL at home!
Me:This is my first time ever handling this, you can't expect it to go 100% perfectly!(Lost my temper here)
DadYelling at this point)Enough! Shut your computer, and never open it again until I say otherwise! And I'll be taking that phone of yours!
Me:*quiet, waiting for the violent urges to subside

This happens once in two months or less, and frankly, it's starting to frustrate me. In this state of mind, he will not listen to reason, however calmly I try to make an argument. At this age, having one's phone confiscated is ridiculous, lol!
Instead, he will only threaten to extend the period of punishment, which can be even more infuriating.

I'm thinking about getting independent and getting a part-timer while studying to graduate, but ge won't allow me that, because he says I'd give up my studies and settle for "easy cash", which I don't, because I need to graduate to be able to get my dream job.

So here it is, fellas. Thank you for your time and patience. I am starting to feel like I'm caged, not able to harness my full potential, because everytime I break one of his arbitrary rules, he (figuratively) puts me on a leash until I fit his imagination.

So, what do you think? How can I fix this?
Thank you again for reading, and every piece of advice is much appreciated!

-Rogan

 

[Franco]

RAFox,

I'm not really sure I can help you here, but some clarification would help.

So when he came home, I expained this to him, and he seemed understanding.

Dad:You know why! I told you a week ago that you, and your siblings, mustn't do anything to piss me off. And I told you three days ago you should handle this first thing in the morning, yet I call you at noon, and you're STILL at home!
Me:This is my first time ever handling this, you can't expect it to go 100% perfectly!(Lost my temper here)

I got a bit lost in the story here and couldn't quite connect the dots. It sounded like you resolved whatever issue you had with the papers based on your first statement, but then you said your dad got upset for the exact same thing later that evening? I'm not sure that sounds right (and maybe that's your point... that it doesn't make sense and is frustrating), but I just want to be clear if that's what happened or if I read that wrong.

Was your dad upset about something else? Or was he upset about the exact same thing that you had explained to him and he seemed to understand (earlier in the day)?

- Franco

 

[RAFox]

Franco,

Thanks for the reply!
Frankly, that's what irritates me the most. As I said, he seems understanding, and I thought all was fine and well. Happy endings all around.

But less than an hour later, he's fuming!
I guess it's his pride that won't let him listen to reason. Every time I so much as try to defend yourself, he'll cut me off and start yelling.

One other time, I happened to fall ill at the time of an important math test. Might've been the strees, I'm not sure. At the morning of the test, I had a fever and almost threw up. My mother called my dad, and handed me the phone. My dad was screaming in anger, saying that I'm just trying to flake it, and that I could say goodbye to my freedoms.

Again, I waied for my anger subsided, pulled myself together, went to school, threw up in the bathroom, and ended up acing the test. This is actually one of the things I'm proud of. Lol!
Couldn't go to school for a week, but that still meant nothing to him.

Rogan

 

[Franco]

Rogan,

Well, it's hard to say that you're dad didn't overreact (because it sure seems like it), but you probably could have handled things a bit better when the accusation came around. Something like the following:

Dad:Aren't you ASHAMED?(Again, not exaggerating here)
Me:Why would I? -In a joking tone
Dad:You know why! I told you a week ago that you, and your siblings, mustn't do anything to piss me off. And I told you three days ago you should handle this first thing in the morning, yet I call you at noon, and you're STILL at home!
Me: So wait dad, are you mad that I didn't try to do it, or are you mad because I took so long?
Dad: I'm mad because it took you until NOON to get it done!
Me: Well, I'm sorry if it took longer than expected. I didn't know you would be upset if I did it later in the day, and I probably should have let you know that I couldn't get it done until the afternoon. I'll try to keep you more informed next time.

This provides a clear explanation and addresses what your dad was mad about, which was the fact that he expected you to do it earlier in the day and you didn't do it. It lets him know that you understand his concern and that you'll try to either (A) do things earlier or (B) inform him if things needs to be done later.

At that point, your dad will more than likely still be somewhat upset, but he'll see that you at least understand where your error was and be more likely to leave you alone on the topic (hopefully without taking away your valuables). If he continues to yell and does it anyway, then ignoring him (like you did) would be the NEXT step in the sequence because, at that point, he's just being completely unreasonable and is just looking for a reason to be "right" and be upset with you.

If it's something that is happening regularly and you want to get away from it, then yeah, just making sure you can move out of the house as soon as possible is your best bet. I know Richard (Zphix on the boards) is going through something very similar right now, so he's just focusing on maintaining control of his emotions until he can move out for college. I would suggest a similar path for you.

Also, if you feel like you want to discuss it with someone who is going through the same thing, I'm sure Richard would be more than happy to offer any advice he has. =)

- Franco

 

[RAFox]

Franco,

You're right. I should have kept my cool and tried to work things out. I enlisted in conflict mediation after realizing what deep diving and recognizing a person's perspective, but turns out I still need a lot of practice. Thank you.

And yes, I was thinking about writing that I read his post, and that his father and mine have some things in common! I hope his situation gets better as soon as possible, and I'd love to have a chat with him, should he feel the need to talk about it!

Rogan