How Do I Broach Sex For the First Time?

[TouchGrass]

Hello GirlsChase!

This is Alex here, and I'm having a conundrum right now. I've recently gotten into a relationship with this girl (it's been about 4 days so far). I've been absurdly nervous about it, but I want to have sex with her. And after reading many of GirlsChase's articles on the subject, I realize I need to have sex with her. I really want to have a great relationship with her, and to do that it seems necessary to establish a sexual relation as early as possible: right now.

The thing is, I've never had sex in my life. I'll set up some context. I'm a high school senior, and so is she. We've been attracted to each other for a few months, but were only acquaintances until about four days ago when I kissed her for the first time (It was my first kiss ever too). Since then we've progressed to more passionate make-outs, but never to the really good ones I know about. The ones where clothes are flying everywhere and our hands are roaming all over and such.

Still, she's pretty inexperienced, and I did a decent job of moving as fast as I could confidently. She tells me I'm very bold and aggressive, since I'm pushing her against the wall and manhandle-kissing her or whatnot, so I think I've set a good precedent as a decently sexy guy rather than a pure boyfriend.

Context done, I'm not sure how to broach the topic of having sex with her. According to a very helpful article by Colt Williams here on the site (https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-h ... and-unsure) I shouldn't pressure her into it among other things. I noticed that most of his advice, while excellent, seemed to best serve a couple that's already agreed to have sex.

I think I should straight up talk to her about it. But I'm afraid of how it'll turn out. Is she willing to move this quickly with me when I talk to her logically instead of just making my move? If, when she's in a calm state and I'm having a serious conversation, will she say that she doesn't want to have sex yet, taking away the momentum I really want to build and the precedent I had as a sexy lover?

I don't want to pressure her, as Colt mentioned in the article. I want to respect her decision, because sex for the first time is a big deal and I care enough about her that I don't want her to get hurt by doing something she doesn't want to. Yet, I'm not sure how to balance that with attaining sex as soon as possible. I guess I'm just a whirlwind of emotion right now that isn't sure how to put all these concerns together into a solid plan.

Anyway, after writing this out I've steeled myself a bit. Tomorrow I'm going to ask her what she thinks about sex, and ask whether she wants to have it, nervous or not. If it all works out, wonderful. If not, I hope to come back here and see what advice you guys have for getting me on track. Assuming you can read the chicken scratch I wrote out, haha.

Cheers,
Alex

 

[Mr.Rob]

If I were you I wouldn't even talk about it I would just do it.

Sounds like your almost halfway there with your makeout sessions. You don't need more passion for "clothes flying off" you just need to pull her clothes off yourself. This will ramp the passion up and turn you and her on more.

What I think will happen is one of two things however this is totally speculative advice and I would wait until someone with experience in virgin on virgin action comments to verify or correct me.

1. She says nothing and is completely ready for sex and you both have sex.

2. She wants to go further but needs you to assure her that everything is going to be just fine and that sex is going to be not only the most fun option but also the best option.

Curious as to what other think about this.

 

[ray_zorse]

Hey bro I think you will find that verbalizing your concerns to her in this way isn't a good idea. The reason is that women (unlike men) do not make a LOGICAL decision to have sex. They make an EMOTIONAL decision. So making it an interview style thing almost certainly won't help, and also could be harmful to your cause.

You need to assume that almost all women, when asked directly for sex, will say "no". There are many reasons for this. They are nervous and unsure, especially if a virgin (but note always keep in mind she might be lying about this, luckily nothing hinges on it so it's actually better not to ask)... they do not like to commit ahead if time and if they do it creates such an intolerable pressure on them that they will definitely flake.

Note that the fact you're in a r/ship with her MAKES NO DIFFERENCE, if anything it weakens your position since accepting r/ship prior to sex was not a boss move, it communicates to her that she can withhold sex if she wants. Anyway I know from experience that a r/ship where you make out and don't have sex is a FRIENDSHIP, it is not a real r/ship at this stage and should not be confused with one.

In the same vein, YOUR STATUS WITH HER is very uncertain, you are "guy who seems interesting and may be worth exploring further with". If she kissed you and met you again and was still down to make out, then that is a good sign (but not how it normally goes, as you will notice as you meet more girls). But she reserves the right to change your status at any time -> "guy who seemed interesting but turned out to be a disappointment". Moving slowly, missing her subtle cues (I am talking about so-called "escalation windows" here) or seeming nervous or unsure, will put you in this category very suddenly.

Since you knew how to manhandle kiss her you've basically got the idea how to warm her up for sex -- be a boss, make it happen, and she will 99% likely just come along for the ride. What you have to be aware of is building comfort and connection, and escalating quite gradually so that as she becomes comfortable with you touching some part of her body you are already starting to do something even more intimate and thus expanding her comfort zone further. Beware transition points (putting the condom on, moving to the bedroom etc) as you will often have to start all over if you allow any distraction or interruption.

If she physically resists you, stop, but treat any other kind of resistance as meaning "I am not comfortable with this yet, could we backtrack a little and return here when I am ready". Given she is a virgin expect to persist through several hours of resistance AT LEAST, and plan your logistics accordingly. If she hasn't walked out the door (assuming she isn't physically prevented from doing so), it means she still wants to have sex with you. Just DO NOT acknowledge her resistance or try to discuss it. Laugh it off, make a joke, tickle her, etc, build more comfort and keep persisting, you KNOW she wants it really.

For some more detailed scenarios I suggest to check my journal re. Leticia, if you go back far enough it will describe how I had sex with her for the first time (I thought she was a virgin although it turned out she was just shy), more recently in the last few months you can see my efforts to have anal sex with her, in which I followed above principles in not telling her ahead of time, but rather just going ahead and trying to do it.

Ray

 

[TouchGrass]

Thanks for the responses,

Luckily, though I was delirious when I woke up this morning, I managed to see your warnings in time. I decided to listen to you guys and not bull rush in with a logical discussion like I originally planned. Rather, I asked a bit about her logistics to get a feeling for how I could pull off an escalation. Now I'm back with some more questions; I'd appreciate if you could answer a few of them. I'll begin by explaining some of what happened today.

Note that the fact you're in a r/ship with her MAKES NO DIFFERENCE, if anything it weakens your position since accepting r/ship prior to sex was not a boss move, it communicates to her that she can withhold sex if she wants. Anyway I know from experience that a r/ship where you make out and don't have sex is a FRIENDSHIP, it is not a real r/ship at this stage and should not be confused with one.

In the same vein, YOUR STATUS WITH HER is very uncertain, you are "guy who seems interesting and may be worth exploring further with". If she kissed you and met you again and was still down to make out, then that is a good sign (but not how it normally goes, as you will notice as you meet more girls). But she reserves the right to change your status at any time -> "guy who seemed interesting but turned out to be a disappointment". Moving slowly, missing her subtle cues (I am talking about so-called "escalation windows" here) or seeming nervous or unsure, will put you in this category very suddenly.

Good point. I was riding on the emotional high of my first relationship ever, so I was not thinking clearly when I got into this relationship. Definitely a mistake, but hopefully manageable in this case. Next time I'll make sure to be more prudent about sex before a relationship.

If I were you I wouldn't even talk about it I would just do it.

Sounds like your almost halfway there with your makeout sessions. You don't need more passion for "clothes flying off" you just need to pull her clothes off yourself. This will ramp the passion up and turn you and her on more.

What I think will happen is one of two things however this is totally speculative advice and I would wait until someone with experience in virgin on virgin action comments to verify or correct me.

1. She says nothing and is completely ready for sex and you both have sex.

2. She wants to go further but needs you to assure her that everything is going to be just fine and that sex is going to be not only the most fun option but also the best option.

Curious as to what other think about this.

Since you knew how to manhandle kiss her you've basically got the idea how to warm her up for sex -- be a boss, make it happen, and she will 99% likely just come along for the ride. What you have to be aware of is building comfort and connection, and escalating quite gradually so that as she becomes comfortable with you touching some part of her body you are already starting to do something even more intimate and thus expanding her comfort zone further. Beware transition points (putting the condom on, moving to the bedroom etc) as you will often have to start all over if you allow any distraction or interruption.

If she physically resists you, stop, but treat any other kind of resistance as meaning "I am not comfortable with this yet, could we backtrack a little and return here when I am ready". Given she is a virgin expect to persist through several hours of resistance AT LEAST, and plan your logistics accordingly. If she hasn't walked out the door (assuming she isn't physically prevented from doing so), it means she still wants to have sex with you. Just DO NOT acknowledge her resistance or try to discuss it. Laugh it off, make a joke, tickle her, etc, build more comfort and keep persisting, you KNOW she wants it really.

You're both right about getting to sex. I was hoping it would work out perfectly today and I could just invite her back to my place for some "studying," but I ran into some unexpected kinks that tripped me up. Her logistics, as it turns out, are pretty bad. According to her, she has pretty strict, overprotective parents that want to know where she is at all times.

On top of that, she has a couple of younger siblings she's used to taking care of all the time, so she's really uncomfortable with leaving them alone when she goes out with me.

Both of which are frustrating. I feel like they're excuses, but I think I know where she's coming from. If I was her and I never really went out on dates because my parents were overprotective, and I often had to take care of my siblings because my parents weren't around during the day, I'd also be out of my comfort zone.

I think it's my job to find a solution that will alleviate her discomfort and lead her to a private place alone with me, but I'm not certain how.

There's another thing she said that rang alarms in my head. She wants me to meet her parents before I take her out. The moment she said that I had a bad feeling she was putting the brakes on the relationship. So I didn't agree with her and tried to maintain my frame--"You're almost an adult; You should be able to make your own decisions"--but I didn't talk her out of it either.

At the moment this seems like a tough case, but I want to persist. If I quit in frustration too early then I might miss an opportunity that could be right in front of me. That's why I'd like to hear your advice on a few things.

1) How can I deal with this girl's discomfort due to her sheltered life in a way that'll make her more comfortable with going out with me?

2) How do I help her find a way to get out of the house alone? I don't know what she thinks on the matter, but I feel like any girl could find a way out of restrictive environments if she really wanted to. Perhaps she's legitimately in a bad spot logistically, but my instincts tell me I can convince her to want to go out alone with me so badly that she'll try her best to deal with all the obstacles in her way. I'm stuck on how to motivate her into doing so though.

3) How short is too short when escalating on an inexperienced girl? If I do ever get alone with her I'll probably have a short window to work with. What's the best way to gently escalate her to comfort with physical intimacy yet still be fast? Let's say, in two hours.

4) As an addition to the previous question, could I shorten the period by escalating on her prior to the day we have sex? Like if I roamed my hands around her body while kissing to get her more used to me touching her body and more intimate regions?

5) When should I call it quits and be able to confidently declare, "This is never going to happen, I should just move on" ?

I eagerly anticipate your answers,
Alex

 

[ray_zorse]

Some interesting issues here. I think the #1 answer is, meet more women -- while you should definitely push this as far as it will go, some women indeed have complicated lives, or have difficulty getting their heads around certain ideas. Luckily, there are millions more women out there who don't have the same problems.

1) How can I deal with this girl's discomfort due to her sheltered life in a way that'll make her more comfortable with going out with me?

Don't make excuses for her. Also, let her deal with her own problems. Bottom line is whether you can get what you want out of the interaction/relationship.

2) How do I help her find a way to get out of the house alone? I don't know what she thinks on the matter, but I feel like any girl could find a way out of restrictive environments if she really wanted to. Perhaps she's legitimately in a bad spot logistically, but my instincts tell me I can convince her to want to go out alone with me so badly that she'll try her best to deal with all the obstacles in her way. I'm stuck on how to motivate her into doing so though.

It may not be as big of a deal as you're thinking it is. I would just invite her on a date in the normal way -- by saying "hey let's XXX" and then "when do u think u would be free" and then working out the details/logistics in small bites. If that doesn't work, I think you have two real options here. One is the hard push. The other is the takeaway. Hard push -> give her a storm of reasons why she should do this thing, don't take no for an answer, and just keep persisting and coming at it from different angles (this is different from a logical discussion, because what you're doing is addressing all her logical objections so that she's free to take the EMOTIONAL decision she wants to take). Takeaway -> say "oh okay then... sounds like you're pretty busy" and then just ignore her until she counter offers.

3) How short is too short when escalating on an inexperienced girl? If I do ever get alone with her I'll probably have a short window to work with. What's the best way to gently escalate her to comfort with physical intimacy yet still be fast? Let's say, in two hours.

As an analogy lets consider a steep hill vs. a wheelchair ramp vs. stairs. The wheelchair ramp is slow and gentle and basically is how a Average Joe escalates -- he's constantly worried about the girl's feelings and fearful of going too far, too fast, etc... and as a result has difficulty getting laid. The stairs is sudden chopping and changing and doing things she doesn't expect and isn't comfortable with -- another problem that new guys have. The steep hill is the right way -- escalating hard and fast, but smoothly enough that you don't do anything too sudden, and therefore can back off if her reactions are not good. Then you can feel your way.

If you wanted actual details I guess the process is basically to kiss her and while kissing her feel her body outside clothes, and then inside clothes, and then gradually take things off etc. Although bear in mind that if you go kiss -> tits -> bra -> pants -> panties you'll get resistance. It's best to go straight to the pants. Some other techniques I find useful are: kissing / nibbling her ear (particularly sensitive), neck, stomach, top of panties... and blowing some hot breath in/on those things... also having her escalate on you: Don't be shy to give instructions, start by telling her to unbutton your cuff, caress your wrist, and go from there.

4) As an addition to the previous question, could I shorten the period by escalating on her prior to the day we have sex? Like if I roamed my hands around her body while kissing to get her more used to me touching her body and more intimate regions?

Around 9th December (according to my journal) I pulled a cute Japanese girl to my hotel room and failed to escalate because I wanted to build comfort first. So we made tea and sat outside. MISSED WINDOW -> it was a total bitch trying to recreate the situation that just fell into my lap earlier. CAPITALIZE ON YOUR WINDOWS BROTHER. Learn from my experience last month and DO NOT FOCUS ON on comfort-building when you could be escalating to sex. If you're in a place where you can roam your hands around her body while kissing her, you're in a place where you can have sex! Get to it my man! Don't procrastinate!

5) When should I call it quits and be able to confidently declare, "This is never going to happen, I should just move on" ?

When you've done the hard push and she's given firm no's, physically stopped you and physically removed herself -- or when you've done the takeaway, frozen her out and ignored her, and the gamble hasn't paid off and she's gone on with her life and forgotten about you. Just don't be satisfied with some wishy washy in-between (which equates to you becoming her platonic orbiter basically). Make her make a decision about you, and soon. I would give this a couple of weeks. Although, having said that, sometimes long game does pay off -- ignore her for a number of months and she realizes you are NOT going to chase... it can work.

Ray